Part II: The Dark Side of the Moon
Chapter 53 To Mourn
AN: Don't hate me for this. I wrote the majority of this chapter in November when I originally began this fic. So I have known all along that this was to occur. Still love me? Bloody hell I am rather nervous with this update.
Maria's pov
Something is not as it should be. Something is not right about this night. Something feels sticky and wet. Wake up. Wake up, Maria. I subconsciously urged myself, attempting to rouse myself from my slumber.
But it was as if I knew. As if I knew that waking would only bring suffering and perhaps staying asleep would make it all disappear. But I couldn't stay asleep any longer. I knew before I even opened my eyes.
I moved my legs and squirmed my hips around beneath the linens. Open your eyes, Maria. I ignored myself and squeezed them shut even tighter. But it was all wrong. Not as it should be.
Wait, why is it I am feeling a wetness?
I finally succeeded at pulling myself from that strange place between sleep and awake. My eyes flew open. Darkness. It was still night. There was a soft orange glow on my left from the dying fire in the fireplace. Robin lay next me, also on my left, buried beneath the covers and sprawled out on his stomach fast asleep.
This was how slowly time progressed for me in this moment. That I noticed small insignificant details. Too afraid to face reality. I blinked into the darkness and shifted beneath the linens. But I felt sticky and wet. Then I remembered why I had willed myself awake.
I froze. And my breath caught in my throat. My heart thumped heavily and I sat up abruptly, tossing the covers aside and thrusting my hands down on the space between my legs. My hands met with a warm thick substance and I jerked them back and peered down.
I gasped and shook with fear at what I could see in the dimness of the night. My nightdress clung to my legs by weight of it. Once white but now stained. With trembling hands I grabbed a hold of the hem and yanked it back. And I was petrified by the sight.
A deep, dark, thick pool of blood. Blood down my thighs. Blood over the sheets and duvet, soaked through my nightdress, covering my hands. I held my hands out, bringing my palms toward my face and stared at them. Trying to make my brain comprehend what I was seeing.
No. No, no, no, no! This can't be happening. This isn't real. This isn't real. This isn't real. I chanted in my head.
And then a pain gripped me so much so that I let out a scream. I turned to Robin and gripped his arm with a bloodied hand as he was awoken by my scream, "Robin! Robin!" I shouted to him trying to shake him from his post-sleep confusion.
Another pain came before I even I had enough time to recover from the last. I cried out and sobbed, unprepared to handle it's intensity. I had disappeared into my mind as the pain started around my back and tightened toward my front. I hadn't even noticed Robin had jumped to his feet and had lit the gas lamps and was standing at my bedside clutching a corner of the duvet that he had pulled away and standing frozen, eyes transfixed on the bed between my legs.
I dared myself to follow his gaze and reassess in the now more brightly lit room. It was bad. This is bad. This is not right.
"There's so much blood...Robin?" I whispered with a sob as he stared straight through me. Eyes wide with horror. Then quickly he dashed into the far corner and jerked the satin cord that pulled the bell down into the servants quarters. And disappeared into the shadows of the anteroom and flung the door open.
"Please wake the coachman, order him to retrieve the midwife, he knows where she lives, it is urgent, now go!" I heard Robin's strained voice demand of the guard from the corridor, followed abruptly by heavy footfalls.
Robin returned, hair askew and wild-eyed, still shirtless and rushed to my side, "I won't leave your side, Maria. Oh bloody hell. Oh shit...It's going to be alright."
"The baby is coming too early." Was the last thing I said before I momentarily slipped from consciousness ...
"I can't loose her. I can't loose her!"
"She's awake!"
I heard Robin's voice shout in a rage and another voice that sounded like Corrine. I blinked, my eyes were blurry and were slow to adjust. I felt Robin's strong, rough hands clasp around mine.
"Maria! Maria, look at me!" Robin pleaded, his hands were stained with blood and I met his eyes. He was trying to be strong for me. Trying to hold back his fears. So I cried for both of us because I knew he needed to as well but could not. The tears streamed down my face and I felt so weak.
"Robin, I'm sorry..." I whispered. Sorry that I failed as a woman. Sorry that I couldn't carry his child. Sorry that my body failed.
"Maria..." Was all Robin could say and he showered me with kisses and swept my hair from my face and held my gaze. He was afraid of losing me. I could see it in his eyes. Losing me the way he had lost his mother.
Mrs. Abbott came bustling into the room and remained calm, her features like stone. Even though I caught her flinch in the slightest at the blood soaked linens that Corrine had removed and the new bright red stain forming on the crisp white linen she had folded beneath me.
She looked to Robin and quickly did away with trying to persuade him to leave, "How often are the pains coming?" She demanded, dropping her bag on the floor and rummaging through it.
"Appears every minute or so." Robin replied without emotion. He kneeled at my side and gathered my hands in his again. "I'm staying right here." He whispered to me with our eyes locked.
Another pain came. I gripped Robin's hand and cried out. And once again I felt myself slipping in and out of consciousness. When I came to, I was immediately bombarded with another contraction and Corrine was removing yet another crimson soaked linen from between my legs. I felt my body bearing down.
"She's ready." Mrs. Abbott stated somberly
"It's too early, it's too early..." I cried, thrashing my head side to side and forcing my legs closed. Mrs. Abbott and Corrine propped me up against the headboard.
"Perhaps it best you should leave, Master Robin." Corrine nearly pleaded. He looked pale and distraught as Mrs. Abbott then parted my legs and sat between them. Robin merely gave a weak shake of his head and remained at my side.
"You will need to prepare yourself, sir..." Mrs. Abbott warned him. And a sob escaped my lips. I didn't want Robin to see this. To see me like this. To see my failed outcome at producing a child.
Robin dropped to his knees once more and placed his hands on my face and turned me to him, gently coaxing me to meet his eyes, "No matter, Maria, no matter. I love you."
Another pain. I screamed. And then a darkness closed in around me...
"She will live, sir."
"And of the child?"
"Stillborn. A boy."
"Fuck! Damn it all to hell! Fuck!"
I heard voices and the sound of something slamming into the wall and Robin cursing but sleep was calling me. Luring me into it's stronghold. To a deceptive place of calm and peace. And it appeared far nicer than where I was now. I longed to numb the pain in my heart. I let my head fall back and my eyes close and succumbed to sleep's comforting arms.
oooooooooooooooooooooooo
I was awakened by a stirring about my legs. I reached out confused, "Robin..?" But Robin is not there.
I blink against the light of the sun streaming in through the window and groan. Shapes and colours began to form. I am in my private chambers. Unsure of the time but it is no longer dark.
"It's only me dear." Says Mrs. Abbott. I see that she is accompanied by Corrine.
I watch as she removes the wet, blood stained cloth from beneath me and replaces it with a new one. Tucking it under my hips, "Your bleeding has slowed." she notes. And I draw in a shaky breath.
Corrine slips her arm behind my back and props me up slowly. I wince at the soreness from my now emptied womb and between my legs. She removes my nightdress. It is tarnished by deep crimson stains. I wince again but at the pain at my chest. A wetness pours from my breasts. I stare at the midwife in disbelief and confusion.
"I will bind you. It will help dry up your milk. It will be painful, my dear." She says solemny. My breasts ache to nourish a child that is not there. What a terrible curse to bestow upon a woman who has suffered such a loss. I am further angered at my body for deceiving me. I watch as Mrs. Abbott removes a long strip of cloth from her bag at her feet. I wince in discomfort as she begins wrapping it around my chest tightly.
Tears fall silently down my face. And I long for the days of my youth. For the days not long before this. Days of traipsing through the forest. Riding through the valley with Periwinkle thundering the ground below. Days spent sitting on the bluff and gazing out at the sea.
And in my pain and mourning, I look for someone to blame. Out of anger I falsely blame Robin. I blame him for coming into my room in the dead of night and taking advantage of me. I blame him for stealing my youth.
But even in my desperation, I know I am only making myself to believe lies. I could not blame Robin for thistragedy...
What went wrong? What did I do wrong? What had we done to deserve this? Another curse? A punishment of the Moon?
I was afraid of Robin. Afraid he was angered with me. In his mourning did he blame me? Was this my fault?
"Your Ladyship? Your Ladyship?" I felt a hand lightly touch my shoulder. "Some tea?"
I couldn't see for my vision blurred by the hot, salty tears that welled into my eyes and spilled out in a slow succession. My baby. My child. I placed trembling hands over my abdomen. My stomach lurched into my throat at the hollowness there. It felt soft and pliable and so unlike I had become lovingly accustomed too-that firm rounded bump. The little kicks and nudges within me. I had felt such movements not long before this tragedy. How could that be? What could have gone wrong in such a short course of time?
I looked up toward the voice I had heard. I made out the familiar outline of my maid, Corrine but I stared straight through her in incomprehension. My arms felt so empty. They longed for the gentle weight of what they should be holding as I snuggled a precious bundle to my breast.
I felt so weak. So lost and so utterly emptied. I felt small hands coax me against the pillows. I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath as I sank into the bed. Covers were drawn up to my chest. The colors behind my eyelids changed from orange to black as the drapes were drawn. I heard the soft click of the door as it latched shut.
I was alone. Left to mourn in privacy. But I was too exhausted to cry. To scream. To wail out in anguish. The tears welled and forced their way out behind my closed lids. They streamed out hotly from the corners of my eyes.
I wondered where Robin was. He promised he wouldn't leave my side but he wasn't here. I feared that he couldn't bring himself to look upon me for my failure.
We had lost our son. I had lost our son. I had failed. Failed Robin, failed our son. Failed in my role to produce an heir. Perhaps Robin couldn't forgive me. For I couldn't even forgive myself.
