I should have listened to Kurt. He told me getting her an African sow pig was a terrible idea but I told him that Rachel would think the idea was totally cool. And I really believed that until I realized that vegans probably didn't eat pigs, and giving your vegan girlfriend a pig for slaughter probably seemed like a really awful idea. I'm an idiot. Her face said it all. I bought her a pig. What the hell was I thinking? Rachel didn't yell at him though, she just pushed the pig back into his hands and told him to go back to the start basically. He wouldn't be trusting Google this time, whoever said Google was their friend had obviously never tried to search "What to buy your high maintenance diva girlfriend for Christmas or Hanukkah." Because obviously African sow pig was the wrong answer.

I need to talk to someone else. I tried asking my mom but she just started crying about how happy she was that Rachel and I were back together and how cute it was that we were still together and it was Christmas and obviously we hadn't broken up yet so we must be doing something right this time and I finally got tired of listening and went back to my room. And that's how the sow pig happened. No this time I had to pull out the big guns. I needed to find the person who knew what a girl wanted. I needed to find Santana. She would know exactly what to get a girl like Rachel.

What I didn't realize is that it would take so long. I'm not talking about going to a million stores or spending half an hour looking through something. No it took four hours at one jewelry store. FOUR HOURS! And we spent more time looking at stuff Santana liked or wanted. The girl was straight up crazy if she thought I was buying her anything at that store. At one point she told the man behind the counter that I was her sugar daddy and had authorized her to purchase anything she wanted. Before I knew what was happening there were employees everywhere putting bracelets on her wrists and rings on her fingers as she spun around in circles like the fucking queen.

When I finally told the guy that I worked as a mechanic in a garage and was still in high school and this wasn't even my girlfriend they were less than friendly about helping us out. But we did manage to find the best earrings that $89.26 cents could buy. Sure I had to sell my letterman's jacket to afford them but it was worth it to know that I could get her something to make her whole face light up even brighter than the sky with a million stars shining down on her. One day I'm going to give her the stars and the moon but until then heart shaped earrings were going to have to do.