Rosie spent a sleepless night at her dads that night. She had found that since Max had left she couldn't settle and after tossing and turning in bed for three hours she gave up the ghost and went to sit in the kitchen with her hot chocolate that was where she stayed thinking until morning. Later Liv walked from her bedroom her hands running through her tousled hair pj bottoms trailing the floor.
"Morning Liv." Rosie said.
"Morning? Is it really? I still thought it was the middle of the night." she grumbled obviously getting as much sleep as Rosie had last night. She studied Rosie. "Oh and you look as rough as I feel." poured herself some coffee.
"I couldn't sleep so I decided to make myself some hot chocolate, then I got lost in thought." she sipped her chocolate and found it cold. "To be fair it's a common occurrence these days."
"Insomnia is a companion of mine recently too." dropped into a chair after placing her coffee on the table. "I feel like crap!"
"You worried about Alice?" Rosie enquired softly.
"Danny. Charlie. You. Everyone really. No one is normal around her. Anything that shifts the status quo in this place seems to make everyone freaking crazy! Alice is probably the only one who I'm not worrying about, she has no worries anymore." sipped her coffee and cursed when it was too strong, barely resisted the urge to throw it across the room. She rubbed her forehead feeling irritated by everything at the moment. She was sick of being stressed out!
Rosie frowned. "You're worried about me?"
Liv nodded.
"You really don't have to. I'm fine." and faked a bright smile.
"Cut the bullshit Rosie I'm not in the mood." Liv told her simply. "If you really were fine would you faked that big smile? No you wouldn't have to we both know there is nothing to smile about right now."
"Seriously Liv though I'm fine." she patted her hand. "Better than fine."
"I really don't have to worry huh?" anger growing. "Then why haven't you been to bed? We practically grew up together Rosie and I know when you're avoiding something, especially a man!"
"If this is about Max…" Rosie began and shook her head.
"It is!" Liv interrupted heatedly. "And don't tell me to back off ok!" she snapped. "Look at what you have Rosie. A chance! A chance to say you love him! A chance to try again. Its more than Danny has right now! Do you have any idea how lucky you are? You can go a whole lifetime without finding anyone who makes you feel a tenth of the way you do and you're blocking it. Why? Why do this? You know you love him why can't you just admit it? I mean for Gods sake!" she exhaled an angry breath.
"Liv you don't understand….."
"Your right I don't understand! I don't understand why you are doing this. YOU LOVE HIM!" Liv had no idea where the anger came form but it seemed to be exploding from her. She stood up sharply. "I really don't believe you!" she yelled. "Is it worth it Rosie? Really worth it! Are the sleepless nights and loneliness worth what you get in return? And what if he finds someone new? What then? I love you and I want what's best for you but God you are stubborn and I'm about ready to strangle you! Forget everything for a minute, forget the stubbornness and the pride and think about you had! And then when that comes back and you remember why you can't be with him pray to God you don't end up in the same situation as Danny. Imagine not being able to say sorry to Max for everything. Imagine never being able to tell him how you feel before he dies." then Liv stomped back to her room her coffee untouched.
Rosie exhaled and folded her arms on the table, rested her weary head on them. First it was Dupe a few days ago and now it was Liv. It wasn't as easy as they all thought! They had no idea how hard it had been for her to not only get over Max but to be able to get on with her life without him. She had to force herself to get out of bed on some days, she had to find a way to be strong. How do you reverse that and let the person in who made you feel that weak? On the odd day she still found herself reaching for him across an empty bed or calling his name when she returned to an empty house. They didn't know how much they hurt each other and therefore didn't understand anything, if they did they would leave her be.
"You ok?" a young voice asked.
Rosie jumped and lifted her head, saw Charlie stood there, damp hair curling around shoulders already dressed for the day at five am. Rosie nodded. "I'm good."
"Look Rosie do you really mind me coming with you?" she shifted from side to side on her feet. "This house has me on edge. Everyone stares at more like I'm gonna crack up or burst into tears or something."
Rosie understood what that was like she had went through the same when she lost her baby, they were only looking out for them but truth be told it was suffocating. "You're more than welcome. Ally will be pleased, she's really taken to you."
Charlie nodded and thrust her hands in the pockets of her shorts. Rosie could tell she was struggling with something so she decided to put less pressure on Charlie by busying herself with something. She took her cup to the sink and poured the awful cold coffee away. It took only a minute to glean the results she expected.
"I feel guilty!" Charlie blurted.
Rosie placed her cup in the sink and turned to look at Charlie's, she saw her eyes were glued to the floor. "About?"
"Leaving, I feel like my place is here. This feels like I'm running away when she needs me. My mum…"
"Your mum would understand. She lost her mother too so she knows what you are going through right now. She'd understand if you wanted some space to clear your head. Then you will come back here and all of us will grieve."
Charlie's green eyes were brimming with tears. "I listened to her voicemail last night you know. I needed so badly to hear her voice again so I rang it over and over just so I could listen to her. I felt so good hearing it but when it ended it hurt so much." she sniffed. "I'm trying so hard to be an adult about all this Rosie but I'm struggling. I don't know how to grow up without her there. How did you do it? And Liv?"
"We had people around us to support us and you're no different. We are all here for you."
"She's a part of me Rosie." put her hand over her chest for emphasis. "I feel like something in me is dying. Something I won't get back. I'm scared about the part I'm losing it feels like a gaping hole, massive."
"Oh Charlie." Rosie went to her and hugged her. She had never really understand Charlie's and Alice's bond. They were more than mother and daughter. They had forged an unbreakbl bond duecto them being all the other had for so long. Now losing her was tearing Charlie apart. "You aren't losing any part of yourself. Your mum is still part of you. She is more than body, she's a memory. Just because she isn't here in person doesn't mean she won't still be here. She will never be forgotten and trust me when I say you'll feel her by your side when things get tough."
"Everyone keeps saying that, even I have said that but I don't need to feel her by my side I need her to be there! I don't need her to be gone, this isn't fair."
Rosie knew no amount of soft words could help Charlotte. She just needed someone to hold her while she tried to work this through. "I know things won't ever be the same, especially for you but in time you'll find some sort of peace." she whispered against Charlie's hair as her face was buried in Rosie's shoulder.
Charlie nodded and lifted her head, wiped her eyes on her sleeve before pulling back.
"At first Charlie you will hate it when life starts moving on but do me a favour don't dwell on it too much."
Charlie nodded and swallowed.
"Your mum will live forever in your heart and that's why she will never be fully gone and that's why you aren't losing a part of yourself, only difference is you will have to learn to find it. If you can't tell me or Liv, that is why we are here, took us a long time to find it too ok?"
"Thanks Rosie." Charlie whispered.
"Anytime don't hesitate if you need me. I'm always here. Always." she knew how important someone to talk to was. Being alone had almost destroyed her and Charlie deserved better.
Charlie didn't reply. Rosie watched her turn and walk down the hallway shoulders slumped. Rosie felt her jaw clench as a defeated feeling washed over her. Even though the bags to go to see Max were packed Rosie decided to go and check them again, only to escape the feeling that resided deep inside her.
(X)
Rosie and the girls left Leopards Den at ten thirty. She had briefly considered getting flights and almost asked the girls before it occurred to her that the girls passports had no doubt been destroyed in the fire that had stolen their parents from them so it seemed they had no choice but to drive down. The address Max had given proved to be a long road trip. Charlie promised to try and distract the girls as much as she could, that was how much of the day progressed. Many stops on the route to allow the youngsters to stretch their legs and burn off some energy. It allowed Rosie and Charlie time to talk in private about Alice although Charlie said nothing, just seemed very distracted.
Now they were at a café getting food, they decided against McDonalds as the café had a soft play area for the girls, and even though Ally protested, half heartedly, she was soon playing with her younger sister. Rosie sat with an empty plate watching the girls with one eye while watching Charlie with the other. Charlie had ate nearly nothing forcing down only a few bites of mashed potato claiming she didn't like it because it wasn't as good as Nomsa's. The rest of the food on her plate she had picked at with her fork or pushed around her plate. Rosie was worried about how thin and pale Charlie looked, when was the last time she ate a solid meal?
"I know its hard but you need to stop thinking the way you are Charlie."
"Like what?" she muttered arms crossed staring at the floor.
"Wondering if your mum has passed away yet. It'll drive you mad, dad will be in touch in time."
Charlie again pulled her phone out and checked her messages once again ignoring Rosie's words.
"If you want I can take you back." Rosie offered, this wasn't helping as much as Rosie hoped it would, if anything it had added to Charlie's stress.
Charlie shook her head. "I don't want to go back. Io don't know if I ever want to go back!" she frowned and her face became angry. "I want it to be last week when my mum was healthy. I want it to be last year when mum and Danny still loved each other. I want it to be two years ago before we lost Leopards Den and everything was normal and not falling apart!" she put her face in her hands then fisted them tightly. "I want it to be any time except now coz I hate all of it, I hate now! I hate everything!"
Rosie felt for Charlie and the stages she was going through, depression, anger, the strength she seemed to have to find endless reserves of. Although Rosie didn't want Alice to die in a lot of ways it would be easier in Charlie the earlier she let go. Once Alice was gone Charlie could grieve and begin to work through everything, while Alice hung on Charlie was left in limbo unable to stop thinking about it and unable to move on her mind going around in circles. She was trying to think of a conversations starter to take Charlie's mind off it but all of them sounded contrite and hollow to her own eyes, instead se simply offered her hand across the table which Charlie took and squeezed tightly. They sat there for a long time like that.
"I know I didn't know you're mum but I bet she'd be well proud of you right now." Charlie told Rosie softly.
"What?"
Charlie nodded. "The way you are looking after me and the girls. Making sure everyone at home is ok. The way you are dealing with losing my mum but still carrying on." Charlie gave her a small smile. "Yeah, she'd be proud. I'm proud to be your little sister too."
"Thank you." Rosie whispered all choked up.
"And even though I think you are being daft about other stuff I'm just gonna leave you to it. We all have enough to deal with without bitching at each other about that stuff. You know what you are doing and that is all that matters." Charlie was lost in thought. "I can understand too, seeing what losing my mum is doing to Danny, then before, the way they argued and all the rest of it. Is love worth it? I dunno, love seems pretty bad to me."
Charlie had it all backwards and Rosie wouldn't let her think like this. "Well yeah Charlie I mean there is sometimes bad stuff that happens but what about the good things. Like laughing over private jokes and falling asleep in someone's arms. Coming home after a hard day to a smile. Sharing your life with someone though all the ups and downs….." Rosie trailed off having a silent epiphany.
Charlie hid a smile. "I'll go get the girls."
"Um… yeah." Rosie was dazed having been reminded if all the good things she and Max used to do together. Being reminded of everything she loved about him, the smiles, the laughter, the love.
Charlie looked back at Rosie while climbing over large cubes of covered foam. Saw Rosie rubbing her head like she was trying to work something out. That was too easy, her mum had taught her well. 'Did you catch that mum?' she whispered. 'I'm good huh?'
"Is Rosie ok?" Ally asked.
Charlie picked her up and nodded. "I think so." dropped the girl onto the foam.
Ally squealed as she fell then laughed. Charlie dived for Gloria to do the same, she squirmed which made victory all the sweeter.
Charlie was chasing them around occasionally throwing them on the foam, other times hiding and bursting from it which Gloria loved.
"Are we gonna stay here with Uncle Max for good or go home with you?" Ally asked/
"I don't know." Charlie admitted but they had more of a chance now then they had ten minutes ago, much more of a chance.
A/N i love charlie in this, she us having such abhard tim but is so much stronger for it! shes jst brill :) and so sneaky lol Rosie didn't see that coming at all!
ANYWAY bad news time - heres the thing - i wrote some of this today and no matter what i do somthing inside me is saying that someone needs to die...its one of three people Alice, Danny or Charlie... no matter i do or try to write it ends badly i did write some today and one of them...:( gonna try and change it but if i hit that chapter before i can change it then it happens x
