AN: Music for this chapter (on repeat): Numb by Portishead, Breathe Me (Mylo Remix) by Sia, Inferno by Michael Giacchino, PM's Love Theme by Craig Armstrong, Olympic Fanfare and Theme by John Williams, O Fortuna by Russian Red Army Choir, Myth, Power, Beauty by Nick Glennie-Smith from Secretariart Soundtrack
FIFTY-FOUR
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Upon their return to Russia, Nadia threw herself completely into training for the Olympics and when she wasn't in class she was at the gym, spending as little time as possible at home. She'd isolated herself, and found her purpose and drive in finding 'perfection' in the one thing she could do right, gymnastics.
Again and again she'd do something over and over until she had it nailed, getting angry at times when her coach, Nadia, would call it quits at after midnight seeing Nadia's burning determination and obsession with perfection grow to unhealthy levels, greatly concerned and worried for her physical health as well as mental seeing the emotional storm lurking in her big brown eyes and having no idea where it came from. She tried to get her to talk to her and Nadia would only respond with, "I'm fine. I'm just determined to get this right and seek perfection."
When Nadia, her coach replied with, "No one is perfect. Perfection is ideal most often unattainable." Because of her great concern for Nadia, seeing her beautiful flawless performance in the gym again and again and was 'still' not good enough in the young woman's eyes; Nadia narrowed her brows slightly looking at her coach with a slight tilt in her head finding it odd to hear such a thing coming from the world's greatest gymnast.
"But you did. You were the perfect gymnast, obtaining perfect marks."
Her coach sighed with a heavy heart, "Everyone's version of 'perfect' is different. You're already better then I ever was. I was still perfect in my performance, yes. But your performance is even 'more' perfect…d o you understand what I'm trying to say? That there will always be someone else out there whose version of 'perfect' is better or different then your own?"
Nadia then of course responded with, "Well, then I'm going to be the most perfect form of perfection I can be in my own definition."
The famous Romanian gymnast cupped her face and stare deeply into her eyes for a long moment, finally asking, "Are you even having fun anymore?"
"It's the only thing I do now, that is fun." Her answer was both a relief and concern for her coaches, happy to hear she was having fun and concerned that she'd said 'only' thing she did that was fun now.
They finally compromised and set an iron clad schedule of hours that began in the gym at 4 AM in the morning until 7 AM and then Nadia would go to school, get out at 2 PM, take an hour to eat and rest and then start the late practice at 3PM that went no later then 9 PM, not a minute over until she was finished with school and graduated.
Once that happened and her days were open, they couldn't get the girl out of the gym. Where Irina had thrown herself into running going through the same thing, Nadia's outlet was gymnastics. Her trainings ethics very much reminded Irina of those implemented on the Soviet athletes who were made to become machines with the sport they were in their only purpose in life and it scared her, to see that drive in her daughter that she apparently inherited from her mother.
Jack and Irina both tried to get her to ease up but there was little they could do now that by all technical definitions, Nadia was an adult and they couldn't physically make her stop practicing and at this point, threatening her or reprimanding her for doing such would only cause more harm. There were two who could do something though, Nadia and Olga, her wonderful coaches, finally did something after Nadia's first two weeks after graduation, she would be in the gym from 4 AM until 10 PM. They put a strict cap on the amount of hours she was allowed to practice a week nine hours a day maximum, five days a week and that included her time off the apparatuses and mats and in the weight room and running. Nadia was fine with that and found a way to still stay at the gym instead of being home by helping teach the younger gymnasts and the beginners who were just tumblers being toddlers.
Irina's heart was breaking feeling the drastic change in her relationship with her daughter and seeing her relationships with just about everyone else change to a degree as well. Nadia's personality had seemed to shift. Instead of being the always happy, smile on her face and laughing girl who was always outgoing and adventurous in everything she did, had become the quiet one who on rare occasions they'd engage in a conversation more then a few sentences long, her normally larger then life personality and smile had become introverted and every now and then they were lucky enough to get a shy tight smile from her.
Jack could hardly stand it too, his Firecracker it seemed had lost her spark and he couldn't help but feeling guilty for his part in it. Spending hours thinking about his reaction to her having sex, not just that day it all went wrong but his stance on it all the way up to that point that had been so ingrained into his girls they'd go to drastic lengths to keep him from finding out and risk his 'disappointment.' That he'd be ashamed of them because he'd made it seem so 'dirty' to have sex.
It wasn't intentional that he'd meant them to feel that way that, that was the way he felt about it, but that was the way it was being perceived by them… and in doing so, managed to make his youngest feel 'dirty' for what she'd done just by having sex. He knew that there was more to it then that, that it was more then him that led to the drastic change in Nadia but he also recognized his part in it and it changed his views on the subject entirely. He had made is sound like having sex was dirty and somehow made them dirty for engaging in it by his overreacting on the subject… even with Sydney who was a grown woman with teenage children of her own.
Irina, he knew, was open on the subject and had been able to talk to them but now, even that wasn't an outlet or option because they feared how his reaction to what they told their mother would effect them. It was a domino effect that was messy and real and there was no easy quick fix no matter how much he wished it.
She seemed to have a much easier time with her siblings and friends, acting more of herself they'd seen and 'heard' about but when either of her parents were around, she'd withdraw. Irina went to bed on more then one occasion crying or with tears in her eyes that she couldn't help her no matter how hard she tried, Nadia saw herself as dirty and tainted and it seemed, 'still' felt like her presence was unworthy of them she was so ashamed of herself. She hated to be touched now and when Irina or Jack would hug her, she wouldn't push them away but she wouldn't return it, she'd go still as stone beneath them and maybe pat them softly with one hand, not the 'almost knock you over' bear hugs they used to get.
Nadia had still maintained her 'rule' that no one was allowed to come watch her practice wanting them to see it when she performed it for everyone else, something she'd demanded since she was little but when Irina heard from her coaches after talking to them of her concern for more then the first time, that Nadia had actually started smiling and laughing, had 'seemed to come to life' since starting to teach the younger kids while at the gym…she couldn't stand to stay away, so desperate to see a full smile on her daughter's face she hadn't seen in months.
St. Petersburg, Russia -June 2020
Irina had come unannounced to the gym wanting to 'see' Nadia in action when she was away from her family, without knowing their eyes were on her and couldn't stop the smile or the tears in her eyes when she watched Nadia finishing with her class of little gymnasts.
The smile on her face was radiant and her laughter filled the massive space mixed in with that of little girls as they all did their little 'practice is over' dance and she gave each and every little girl a hug and a kiss…the bear hug that lifted them off the ground and made them laugh when she wiggled them from side to side.
*Numb (v2)*
The little girls said their goodbyes and rushed away from the bars to grab their stuff and meet their parents all starting to congregate in the entry to pick them up and more than a few gave Irina radiant smiles of surprise to see the Tsar in the gym for the first time having seen her only at competitions or exhibitions previously.
Nadia remained on the mat, using a remote to turn on her own practice music as she always did to be able to perform with the loud noise and various music selections going on from the Floor Dance while performing on the rest of the apparatuses. Her demeanor seemed to change almost instantaneously with the kids gone and Irina watched while her daughter still hadn't noticed her presence across the gym.
The lyrics of the song were quite telling as to Nadia's mind set and Irina's eyes fought furiously to blink back tears watching her daughter finish taping her hands and wrists and then flip herself up onto the high bar of the Uneven Bars and start warming up, flipping and swinging around slowly gradually getting faster until she was into her routine.
Irina was holding her breath watching with pride to see how amazing her daughter was doing some maneuvers she'd never before seen that were instantly breathtaking. All the sudden Nadia seemed to slow down and then just came to a stop, hanging on the bar for a moment and flipping backwards off. One hand on hip and the other wiping the stray hair from her ponytail off her face and behind her ear as she stared at the ground with her back to Irina, in thought apparently and then moved to start over. She bounced back up onto the bar slowly and it was then her gaze caught sight of Irina standing in the entryway on the other side of the gym watching her.
Nadia immediately ceased in her routine and dropped facing her mother and swallowing hard.
"Don't stop on my account. Please… go ahead and finish. I can wait." Irina gave her a small smile when her daughter walked across the mats towards her.
"What are you doing here, Mama?" Nadia asked softly with questioning gaze completely ignoring Irina's suggestion to continue and she'd wait.
"I wanted to steal you away for a while to see if you'd like to have lunch with me. Just the two of us. I feel like we don't ever get to see each other that much these days… I miss you, Nadia." Irina smiled softly trying desperately to keep her tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry, I can't. I haven't practiced yet today working with the kids all morning and I need to practice." Nadia shook her head softly and looked down avoiding her mother in a new familiar dance that broke both their hearts and only continued to shame her more seeing the tears her mother was trying to hold back.
"I don't think you need the practice, Sweetheart… you looked amazing out there-"
"It's not finished. That was terrible and I have a lot of work to do to make it perfect." Nadia immediately interjected uncomfortable with the thought she'd seen her practicing her routine. "I'm sorry, I can't go to lunch with you, Mama." She added quickly, leaning forward and kissed Irina's cheek rapidly with the barest of touches and then started walking back towards the bars. "I'll see you at home." She called over her shoulder.
"I have to go to Moscow later this afternoon… overnight with Lena for some official Olympic business in preparation for the games." Irina called out, knowing she wouldn't see her daughter later that evening, and even if she were home, Nadia would eat dinner with them and then disappear into her room or somewhere else. "I won't be home… I was going to ask that you please come with us."
"Am I officially required to be there?" Nadia paused in the middle of the mats asking in a quiet voice.
"No." Irina answered softly shaking her head, "Lena has to be there as the last torch barer…there are some things she has to do, people she needs to speak with in preparation for that and I have some business as well. You aren't required to be there."
"Well, it sounds like it's an important trip for the two of you and I'm not really necessary as the spare and not the heir, so… I think I'm going to pass because I have so much to prepare for, but I hope the two of you have fun." She gave a small tight-lipped smile and started to turn.
"Spare?" Irina choked out with narrowing eyebrows and welling tears hearing her child describe herself as such.
"Don't get me wrong." Nadia shook her head softly and turned back to face her, "I don't mind being the spare and not the heir, Mama… really it's fine. Great actually, I get all the perks without the responsibility Lena has… I know my place in our family."
"I don't think you do." Irina held back a cry, hearing exactly how much her daughter really did value herself so little. Seeing it in her eyes. "You underestimate your worth and what you really mean to our family… to me. You're not a 'spare'… you're my Nadia! You're not an 'extra' that isn't really needed because your sister is heir… I need you." Her voice was borderline pleading in this quiet conversation.
"Mama… really it's okay. I'm not jealous of Lena or wishing I were her; or the heir at all…I don't envy her that title and the responsibility and I think she's the perfect one…for it. She's the best daughter for the job and I'm proud of her." She gave another small smile to pacify her mother.
Irina noticed how she responded with deflection concentrating on how she felt about Lena instead of responding to what her mother had said about her own worth.
"Nadia, what have I done? Talk to me please. You're not an 'extra'… you're not worthless… you're my daughter and, I love you." Irina wanted to know why it was her that her daughter seemed to pull the furthest away from her and was desperate to fix it in anyway she could but knew in her heart there was no way… she could feel it because she could feel what Nadia's heart was feeling, see it in her eyes. For some reason, Nadia really believed she was unworthy of her mother and it horrified Irina to know that she could ever feel that way. That she'd set some kind of a bar of what a 'worthy' daughter was in her own mind and wasn't measuring up to in some way.
*Breathe Me*
"You haven't done anything, Mama… don't worry. I'm fine… and I love you, too." She added softly with another soft smile, "Have fun with Lena in Moscow." She gave a soft nod and spun around walking back to the apparatus ending the conversation.
Irina stood there and waited with tears finally slipping from her eyes in silent streams watching her walk away in deflection again and trying to 'escape' her mother's presence.
Nadia turned on the lower bar with hands set waiting to mount staring across the gym and refusing to begin while her mother was still there with her own tears in her eyes that Irina couldn't see as she fought to keep them back.
"I love you… to the moon and back, more than the stars in the heavens and grains of sand on Earth, Nadia… forever and always… never forget that." Irina called out across the vast space before turning on her heel and leaving seeing her daughter wouldn't move until she left.
Nadia's tears finally fell as she swung herself up onto the bar and started her routine, the silent tears turning to sobs as she swung around and then finally dropped, feet to knees with head dropped against her chest in shame with heels of her hands against her eyes. She hadn't heard the footsteps so gentle in their grace that slowly walked over to her and knelt down beside her, and then pulled her into her arms to hold her.
"Nadia…" Her beautiful coach asked softly with tears in her eyes, having caught the end of Irina and her daughter's conversation and then watched Nadia start her routine and start crying and then drop. She had tears in her own eyes as Nadia didn't try to push her away and instead turned and hugged her, to her surprise while continuing to cry.
"Sweetie, what's wrong? What's going on? This isn't good for you… this stress. You can tell me anything; you know that… you have my complete confidence from everyone! I've known you for half your life and I can't stand to see you this upset. What happened with your mother to change things so dramatically? What did she do?"
"She didn't do anything." Nadia cried softly, "I did."
"What? What did you do?" She held Nadia more tightly with concern flooding her eyes; wanting to know what could be so bad in the last months as to change everything.
"I did something that almost would have hurt her for the rest of her life… and my father… because I was stupid and wasn't thinking!" Nadia shook her head softly and pulled away wiping at her tears.
"You did something that 'almost' would have? Sweetheart, you have to explain more... I don't understand." Her coach pressed on.
"In India, I slept with Dubey and thought I was pregnant and if I was… she was going to have to deal with that, and my father, forever…" Nadia cried shaking her head and missing her coach's eyes widen considerably with pounding heart as the vivid flashes of the man with her mother from the film started flitting through her mind.
"You know who Vijay Dubey is or was in my mother's life?" Nadia sniffled wiping at her eyes and the endless silent tears.
"Yes, I remember him from the book and films." The gorgeous Romanian answered softly swallowing hard and understanding now why there was such dramatic change in relationships and with Nadia.
"It was his son…" Nadia shook her head softly with more tears and missed the sigh of relief in her coach's eyes and breath, "My mother and father would have had to deal with his father for the rest of their lives. See him and interact with him… share a grandchild with the man who desperately wanted children with my mother… his mere presence makes both of my parents want to turn inside out. Because I was stupid and not thinking, I almost ripped open a wound in their lives they'd never again be able to close… hurting them forever because of my thoughtless actions."
"But you didn't. Right? You're not pregnant and none of this happened." The woman was trying to understand.
"But it almost did. Because I was an idiot and it still doesn't change the fact I slept with his son or what happened." Nadia held her head in her hands and sobbed again softly.
"Does your mother know about this? I heard her asking you… what she did wrong? I didn't mean to eavesdrop… just overheard the end of the conversation. She's upset that you're pulling away from her? Is that it?" She placed a comforting hand on Nadia's back.
"Yes, she knows. Except for when I told her, she thought I meant his father and it all went horribly wrong and I made her physically ill she was so disgusted… she was throwing up continuously and sobbing… I've never ever seen her like that… and it was all because she thought I was pregnant with Dubey's baby… her Dubey." Nadia sobbed harder shaking her head and her coach's eyes were wide in understanding how the Tsar could have thought her daughter was talking about the father as she herself did on first assumption of hearing the name and could only imagine what that must have been like for her mother.
"You didn't make her physically ill, Sweetheart." She consoled her in a soft motherly voice of her own, "Thinking it was his father did… because of her relationship with the man. Not you."
"Yeah, she told me that, too…" Nadia inhaled sharply holding back a sob shaking her head and trying to keep herself calm, "But none of it ever would have happened if I hadn't of slept with his son. And it wasn't until 'after' I had to tell them all the sorted vivid details of what happened that we all figured out we were talking about two separate people… all because I wasn't thinking."
"So you made a mistake… it's okay. We all do and you've got to forgive yourself for it. No real harm was done and your parents are amazing people who love you unconditionally and only want what's best for you…they always have and always will." She wiped at her own silent tears touching the younger woman's cheek.
"I don't deserve to be her daughter," Nadia shook her head softly turning her eyes down and more tears coming, "She deserves better than what I am… what I've done. She's done everything for me all my life and yet, I slept with the one guy's son in the world I knew I shouldn't, almost creating a disaster. I couldn't even respect her enough to stay away from him. I was more concerned about me. What I wanted then to do that one small thing for her considering all she's done for me."
"Nadia… you might be a Romanov and Imperial but you're human. Allow yourself to be." She smoothed her hand over the side of Nadia's head, "You made a mistake. Probably the only one of your life and you're allowed to do that. Your mother isn't holding it against you or she wouldn't be so upset with the status of your relationship. She's your mother and as a mother myself, its our job to do everything we can for you… she's made mistakes, too and was actually brave enough to show them in vivid color to the whole world because of the lessons she learned from them and what she took away from the negative to make positive and they only made her stronger." She sighed brushing the hair over Nadia's ear, "You've got to find the positive in this mistake and not damn yourself with it for the rest of your life. You're an amazing young woman unlike any I've ever met and I know she feels the same… we've talked about it and she is so proud of you and loves you so much…you are worthy of being her daughter… and you are so much like her but still your own person." She smiled through her tears, "You are your own beautiful self with your own amazing talents and unique to this world. She doesn't want you to be just like your sister. She wants you to be you. She loves you… for you… and she misses you. Don't damn yourself because of this mistake. You are your own perfect, you! There is no other Nadia Ekaterina Alexandra Ivanova Romanova Bristowva in this world." She smiled widely and laughed softly with the pride in her voice at saying that name, "You only have to measure up to yourself… no one else's standards. You are way above and beyond in most every aspect of your life, your character and your strengths then most people because of the life you've already lived, what you've already done and been through, and you've got an incredible mantel upon your shoulders being a Grand Duchess in the Imperial Family. You're allowed to make mistakes… just like the rest of us."
"I know I'm hurting her more by pulling away but I just don't know what to do when I'm around her now. I'm so ashamed of myself and ashamed of the way I am and act now it just seems to keep getting worse…like right now, I feel horrible for not going to lunch with her or to Moscow and making her cry, because it takes a lot to make her cry in sadness… She's got to be very upset and usually its only us… her children or my father or something very tragic that can bring her to tears but lately it's only me and I hate myself that I'm making her sad… and it only seems to make me more ashamed the next time I see her. I don't know what to do…I don't want to hurt her but… I can't just make myself stop feeling that way and suddenly think I'm worthy again when I really don't' feel that." Nadia shook her head.
"Well, then we'll keep working on it until you do!" She wrapped her arms around her pulling her close, "Your mother is never going to give up on you… you're human, Nadia… you can make mistakes, its okay. I've no doubt that in two weeks you're going to show the world exactly how amazing you really are…beneath the Imperial title, beneath your astounding beauty," She smiled making her look at her, "On your own and who you are… you are more then the gorgeous third daughter born to the Imperial Tsar of Russia. You are, you."
"Yes, but I got my athletic genetics from my Mama by default," Nadia sniffled with a slight smile wiping at her tears. "The Chosen One with the amazing abnormalities."
"Yes, that's true. But just like her… you may have been born with certain traits and capabilities possible…but you still had to learn how to master them and harness them like everyone else. You weren't just born being an amazing gymnast. You had to work at it really hard. A lot of things came naturally to you in movements but you still had to learn the techniques. The same with your brother and sister in all that they do. You lucked out in the genetics lottery pool in a lot of ways. I lucked out with being petite too when I wanted to be a gymnast that helped give me an advantage just like taller people are better generally at things like basketball. You can't be blamed or discriminated against because of your genetics. You still have to do the routines just like everyone else. I'm so proud of you already and all that you've accomplished and how amazing you are." She smiled again and kissed her head. "We'll work on you not being so hard on yourself."
Moscow, Russia
"Lena," Irina shifted her gaze from staring out the window of her apartment next to the Kremlin she'd kept for these short trips of Imperial business. "Have you spoken with Nadia at all about what's going on with her? What she thinks or how she feels?" She swallowed hard with tears in her eyes when Lena nodded yes softly from her position in the large leather chair with legs pulling up under her as she set her book aside, "I'm so sorry for asking you this. I don't want you to be forced to betray her confidence by telling me but I'm scared…I'm scared that I'm losing her and soon there won't be a way to pull her back and once the Olympics are over and she starts school…she'll further separate herself from our family and one day all together." She quickly wiped at the single fallen tear pulling her own legs up behind her.
"I'm only revealing this and breaking her confidentiality because I'm worried for her too and I can't seem to convince her otherwise no matter how hard I keep trying," Lena sighed with her own tears welling and looked down at her fumbling twisting fingers. She knew what she was going to say would hurt her mother but seeing her mother in tears now, she already knew how much pain she was in over what was happening with Nadia too and hoped…somehow they'd figure it out together. "Quite simply…she hates herself." She swallowed hard and looked up at Irina with gazes locking. "She's ashamed to be around you or Daddy…she doesn't feel worthy of being your daughter."
"Why?" Irina asked in a choked voice, "From what happened with Junior?"
"Yes…and your reactions to it and the what could have happened…that's the worst part, I think. She hates herself for not thinking and what could have happened if she had gotten pregnant…how that would change your life and Daddy's…having to share a grandchild with Dubey," She paused to wipe her tears trying not to cry, "She knows how much that would have hurt you forever and she is ashamed that she did something that could have had such major repercussions on the both of you but especially you…because she knows you'd do anything for her, even swallow and bury your own pain and find a way to 'cope' with sharing a grandchild with him, for her."
"But that never happened." Irina sighed with a constant swell of tears and breaking heart.
"It doesn't matter to her. It could have because of her actions and that's all she sees now… that and your reaction. That she made you physically ill she can't seem to get that out of her head. That her actions have the power to make you respond with physically being ill…"
"Oh god," Irina sobbed with fist coming to mouth and looking away in her own shame leaning on the back of the sofa, hating herself for not being able to stop herself that day and the repercussions of 'everything' about that whole incident left her daughter with and understanding them all too well.
"She feels dirty and disgusting and hates herself for having sex with him. For recanting the details to you but mostly to Daddy whom she knows hates the idea of his daughter's having sex and that its taboo and a 'dirty' thing to him though he's never said that…his reactions to it always suggest that's how he feels even though we know inside he really doesn't…but that suggestion is what she's going on now because its bad and she's ashamed…so her relaying her actions in sex and reactions of actually taking pleasure in it…" She shook her head and wiped at her tears, "Well, she hates herself and feels dirty now for it especially because it was Dubey's son…the guy Daddy can't stand because of his intimate relationship with you…she feels like she betrayed the both of you. That's she's been marked and tainted for life… and that's made her question everything now…she doesn't feel like she's worthy to be your daughter because of this and she doesn't feel like she belongs in our family." Lena cried with her own heartbreaking hating that her younger sister thought this way and was so self-loathing now with value on her life. "And she's ashamed more and more everyday because of her reactions now making you sad and she can't stand that either so the next time she sees you…she remembers how she upset you the last time or was unable to show you any kind of affection or hurt you in some other way and its just compounding reactions of shame…so much so she's drowning under it now."
Lena shrugged sadly and watched her mother's face with rivers of silent tears, "That's why she's thrown herself so completely into perfecting her routines in gymnastics because she feels like that's the only part of her that's not tainted anymore. When she's doing them she doesn't have to think about you or anything else or what she's done…it's why she's at the gym all the time and avoids coming home. She doesn't have to think or feel there. In that one aspect of her life…she can be perfection…it keeps her 'worthy' because outside that… she thinks she's worthless and that I'm the perfect daughter and who is worthy of your love but that because of what she's done she'll never be good enough…in her own eyes, not yours. She'll always be 'just the spare' as she said."
"Just the spare?" Irina asked with a cry, not knowing where to begin in questioning all this or processing it.
"Yes, just the spare. She's said it twice to me now. I finally asked her if she was upset that I'm the Tsarevicha and she said, 'no' and I honestly believe her. She just doesn't know where her place is. She said that, Sydney was your first born and Julian was your savior keeping you alive and sane all those years, and I was the 'light' that brought everyone back together, the new baby and a second chance and that Nicholas was your only biological son still alive, and she just happened to be the 'extra' that came along with him."
"Has she always felt this way?" Irina asked in a gasp with blurry eyes of disbelief and horror.
"No." Lena shook her head sadly, "Just since February and she started questioning everything about her and hating herself. She does love you…the same as she always has she just doesn't know how to show you anymore or react around you because she doesn't want to hurt you with her unworthiness and just feels its better if she stays away from you and everybody. She feels awkward."
"I saw her with the children that she teaches gymnastics to. She was smiling and laughing and holding them tightly…she doesn't do that with us anymore." Irina spoke softly looking down and shaking her head while wiping at the tears.
"That's because she can just be herself with them…they don't know what she did. Their views of her haven't been 'tainted.'" She repeated the word her sister used, "She can be with them and not have to think about what she did because she knows they don't know anything and when they look at her…aren't 'thinking' about what she did or 'seeing' it."
"And she thinks we do?" Irina asked with choked voice.
"Yes…that every time you look at her, you see what she told you in great detail and her mistake…and she's ashamed. Ashamed at what could have happened, how she could have hurt you both and how you were both thinking that day in the miscommunication that she was talking about 'your Dubey' and envisioning her with him in the details she told you that made you sick." Lena spoke quietly and more tears flooded her eyes hearing her mother's internal sob, "That'd 'she' would be the dirty one in that scenario as your daughter sleeping with your former lover and willingly doing so…what you must have thought of her. That's why she won't hug you or touch you unless she has to…she tries to so that you won't get more upset but she really does feel like she's dirty around the both of you now after recanting those details. That she just slept with the guy for sex and pleasure and she doesn't feel worthy of your affection or attention."
"I talked to her about that." Irina shook her head realizing her daughter hadn't heard a word or did and it wasn't penetrating the self-loathing walls she knew well.
"I know…she told me you did and you talked about sex and making love and not being ashamed of taking pleasure but it's with the 'whom' she can't get past and in her mind now… She didn't have sex with your Dubey but she feels like she did. Has violated you in the same regards, brought the same shame because of everything that happened she might as well have. I freaked out on her, Sydney freaked out on her, you freaked out on her, Daddy freaked out on her…the first time she ever messed up in her life and because of what it 'could have been' she's been traumatized by it basically." Lena cried waving her hand up and down with the count of those who'd freaked on her sister, "I was lucky to even get that much out of her over the last few months but I keep trying and watching her and listening intently to hear what she's not really saying…watching her interactions and I feel like I failed her too…that she came to me for help twice and both times my initial reaction was to freak out first…I guess that's human nature to startling news but with so many of us and on such a tempered and sensitive topic it expounded her feelings of guilt and shame intensely. She's never made a mistake…she never learned how to recover from one and learn from it before all this happened." Lena sobbed biting it back and shaking her head.
"My god, how did this get so messed up and go so wrong?" Irina asked herself more then anyone with head in hands leaning over the back of the sofa with one arm and tear stained face and more falling.
"Well, that's part of the problem. She realizes how massive it all got blown out of proportion because of things that happened and clarifications made and mistakes and she's ashamed of that too. Because it all started with her and this is where we are now. Everything's changed." Lena sniffled with more tears coming fresh in her eyes, "And I asked her what she's planning on doing after the Olympics are over…if she's going to go to school at the University in St. Petersburg like she planned or what? And she said she thought about school 'someplace far away' now or maybe 'getting lost in the world' for a while to 'find herself' because she feels 'empty and numb."
"My god…" Irina gasped and started sobbing softly, her worst fears coming true that Nadia was separating from them completely…it was only a matter of time and she wasn't prepared to lose her daughter when she was only sixteen. She knew what Nadia was thinking and feeling because she separated completely from what was left of her family and everyone she ever knew after Kashmir because she didn't want them to see how 'tainted' she'd become and because she was so ashamed of how her mother died and closed herself off to everyone.
"Mama…I keep trying to help her but I don't know how." Lena cried feeling helpless herself, "She just feels so alone and I don't know how to get through to her that she isn't. That we love her and just because she made a mistake doesn't mean she's not worthy of us. That she shouldn't be ashamed for the things that were out of her control like the mix up but she's taken it all onto herself and I don't know what to do, Mama. I'm trying, I just don't know what to do."
"Come here." Irina waved her over with a quiet strangled voice and held her on the sofa where they cried together.
When Irina and Lena returned later that night, Irina revealed to Jack everything she'd learned from Lena as well as her last encounter with Nadia and he held her when she cried and his own tears built and fell silently that both of their fears had come true. The damage had been severe and spiraling downward and they were now frantic and desperate for a way to stop it before she pulled away completely.
*Inferno*
Irina couldn't take it anymore; it was killing her slowly to slowly lose a child this way in a painfully, torturously slow disconnect. In the middle of the night, she got up and went to Nadia's room.
Without waking Nadia, she slid into bed beside her, not touching her knowing how her daughter felt to be touched by her now, just sleeping next to her after watching her daughter sleep so peacefully for a long time before closing her own eyes.
Nadia woke up like clock work at 4 AM with her internal clock set having gotten up at this time for months straight now and was more then surprised when she opened her eyes to see her mother sleeping beside her. She watched her for a long moment feeling the tears coming to her eyes before sliding out of bed soundlessly and leaving.
When Nadia woke up on the second, third and fourth morning to her mother sleeping beside her, she knew in her heart her mother was going to keep sleeping beside her not willing to give up and neither said a thing to the other about what had become a nightly ritual in the daylight hours.
The second week Irina stared at the back of Nadia's head for a long time while her daughter slept on her side that first night before moving in, her heart pounding rapidly at taking this risk but unwilling to let her go and fight through the awkwardness. She stealthily spooned up behind her and wrapped her arm around Nadia so gently that Nadia didn't awaken. Tears were in Irina's eyes with her face almost touching the back of Nadia's neck as she inhaled the sweet smell of the shampoo her daughter had used that had become her scent over the years and felt her chest rise and fall slowly under her arm and her heart beat against Irina's through Nadia's back.
This time when Nadia awakened in the morning her eyes went wide again to feel the body pressed against her's and the arm over her and the tears returned. She lay there silently for a moment taking in the unconscious contact knowing her mother was still sleeping feeling her stillness and the steady and soft breaths against the back of her neck. She didn't want to wake her mother and have to face her and ever so gently, picked up her arm and slid out from under in a stealthy move of her own, gently placing it back onto the bed with the tears falling from her eyes.
And as with the first week, neither said anything and Irina continued to hold her during the night with Nadia slipping away in the morning but Irina was determined to make her child comfortable in her arms again, with her touch letting their hearts beat in time with each other at night and do a bit of healing in the process.
"How's it going with your mother?" Nadia, the coach, asked her pupil while she finished putting resin on her hands getting ready for her practice on the Balance Beam in one of the final practices before the Olympics in just two days. She'd noticed something slightly different in Nadia in the last couple of weeks and she was wondering about the change. She seemed somehow calmer in the last week especially the last few days then she had in a long time.
"She sleeps with me every night." Nadia answered her softly with an awe in her tone as if still stunned by that fact. "Every night since she returned from Moscow with Lena two weeks ago. I just woke up and she was there. She never says anything and I don't either…but she's there every morning when I wake up."
That fact alone was a bit jarring as she knew how much her mother and father hated sleeping apart so for her mother to have been sleeping with her for the last two weeks…
"She misses you...a lot it sounds like." The beautiful woman smiled softly with a hint of sadness in her voice, "I told you she wouldn't give up on you. She loves you very much, Nadia." She spoke softly while they continued to prepare the beam, "I wish you could be me for a moment…just so you could see the way she looks at you when you're not even aware." She caught Nadia's eyes flashing up to hers' in a brief moment of surprise and emotion before looking down again. "Do you know what the name Nadia means?" She asked softly with a smile knowing at having the same name.
"Hope." Nadia answered softly smearing the white powder over the four-inch wide space, just wide enough for one foot.
"Yes, that's right." The Romanian responded with a slight head nod, "My mother named me Nadia because she said I was her 'hope' for the future…when you were eight and I first asked your mother and father about coaching you, your mother told me the same thing…that you were her hope for the future… 'hope' that you'd be the one daughter she had that would have a shot at living a somewhat normal, happy, healthy life…free of espionage, free of Imperial Ruling, that you could just be 'you' with no expectations to live up to…just doing whatever made you happy."
Nadia's eyes flashed up to her coach's again and swallowed hard, listening intently having never known these things. She knew that her mother had told her she was the 'hope' she had for the future when she was younger, but she never said what that was exactly until now.
"She loved that because you've the freedom to live a life you want, that she has never had. That your sisters will never know. That right there… is enough for them to be enviable of you and that is what makes you unique from them. She said she was afraid though…because she saw that 'spark' in you that you were destined for greatness and with greatness, never comes normalcy…which is true." She shrugged with a smile having known that first hand after becoming the most famous gymnast in the world her life was never the same, "The normalcy she had 'hoped' for you would be gone. But she didn't want to hold you back either just for her dream for you to live as 'normally' as you could…she wanted you to have your own dreams which is why she said 'yes' to letting me coach you and take your gymnastics to the next level when we asked you what you wanted. She saw your passion and the fire in your eyes and it made her happy that you were happy…and she told me that you were still her 'hope' for the future because you will always be her dream in whatever you do…her dream being you are happy and healthy and free to live your own dreams in whatever way you want…you've always been very special to her. From your birth and probably before."
She smiled finishing the end of the beam with Nadia whose brows were slightly furrowed thinking about this new information.
"Do you know a lot about your birth?" She dusted off her hands looking at Nadia with a curious tone and smile seeing she was cracking through somewhere inside the girl.
"We were born through emergency C-section a month early because of a Placenta Abruption and we were all bleeding to death." Nadia answered quietly relaying what she knew having heard it a few times in her life, "After Nicolai and I were born Mama almost bled to death and her heart stopped before Uncle Ryan got it going again and Aunt Katya had to do a massive blood transfusion for her. My cousin Sophia, donated blood to me while they had to use Lena's blood for Nicolai because of his Hemophilia and Mama had none to spare." Nadia swung up onto the beam and straddled it with eyes flashing to her coach wondering what she brought this story up for.
"Hmm." Her coach smiled softly at the matter-of-fact way that Nadia relayed those details. "Yes, I remember it well, too. It was quite traumatic, all over the news. Everyone was following the story so carefully so concerned for all of you." She nodded slightly standing beside the beam, "Do you know the exact details of your actual birth? The moment you and your brother were born?"
Nadia shook her head softly with a slanted eyebrow of curiousness, "Only that he came first and I second." It wasn't something anyone in her family every really discussed. Usually only stories about how adorable and tiny she and her brother were in their first days and weeks of life and how happy everyone was to have had them arrive. She never really thought to ask about her actual birth in more detail as it didn't seem like something anyone ever wanted to talk about given the seriousness of the situation. It seemed to pain everyone in her family with the mere mentioning of it and they'd quickly all redirect their attention immediately onto the happier parts of life in the days after their birth.
"You don't know that your mother refused anesthesia?" Her eyebrows rose a bit with a soft smile seeing Nadia's eyes widen. "She wouldn't let them put her out because she was afraid she was going to die without ever having seen you…and she wanted to see you so badly at least once…she let them cut her open without any medication…just biting on a stick. Her heart stopped just after she saw you were out and safe…"
Nadia's eyes widened even further having never heard this part before and wondering for a moment why it was left out and then realizing, it was everyone's way of trying to protect her and Nicholas again apparently as it was quite a shocking, horrendous and extraordinary measure and likely the reason 'why' no one ever wanted to talk about it. It must have been terrifying for them all.
"I'd imagine…that a mother who loves her children that much, was so determined not to give up on them then…isn't likely to do so now." She looked up with a slight smile that was almost a smirk, "You're very worthy to her, Nadia…you always have been."
The following night they were preparing to leave St. Petersburg to fly to Moscow where the Summer Olympics were being held in Russia for the first time since the Soviet days. The Opening Ceremonies were taking place the following night and they were going tonight as to have all day tomorrow to prepare as host country of the games, there was much to be done especially by her mother.
Nadia was in her room finishing packing her gymnastics bag as her other luggage had already been taken down before when she heard the soft knock. "Come in." She called back softly as she finished zipping the bag.
Irina had tears in her eyes the instant she opened the door and saw her daughter zipping closed her official Imperial Russian Olympic Athletes bag, so proud of her already. She quickly tried to blink them back before Nadia turned but was sure her eyes were glistening when their eyes locked for a moment before Nadia diverted as she always did now.
"I just wanted to ask if you're ready? If you're not, that's fine I just wanted to let you know everyone is ready when you are." She spoke quietly with a soft smile of sadness that this night was here, as their two weeks of sleeping together ended this morning with Nadia staying in the Olympic Village for the next two weeks of the games. Her eyes flickered with the glint of tears and she gave a small smile speaking very softly, "I'm so very proud of you, Nadia…so proud of you." She nodded softly and then turned to leave.
"Mama…" Nadia suddenly called out stopping her from going and swallowing hard with anxiety and a pounding heart. "You stayed with Lena in the Olympic Village at her first Olympics…I just…wanted to tell you that you're welcome to stay with me, too." She swallowed hard again and shifted her gaze before forcing herself to look her mother in the eye, "I would like it if you stayed with me…at my first Olympics."
Irina's heart skipped in her chest and the tears built rapidly in her eyes with smile growing that they were making progress and she wanted to rush forward and grab her daughter holding her tightly and kissing her to pieces but she didn't want to push her any faster than this, already big step.
"I would love to, Sweetheart." She answered quietly with a soft nod and smile turning to leave again and the first tear fell with her back to Nadia.
*Inferno*
"Mama!" Nadia called out again rapidly and waited until her mother turned half way around and then saw the silent tears escaping from both her mother's eyes. She looked her in the eye for a moment and then rapidly stepped forward, wrapping her arms around her mother tightly and Irina gasped at the first contact like this in five months and relief swept through her as she wrapped her arms tightly around Nadia holding on for dear life. She pressed her cheek against Nadia's head and inhaled a shaking breath through a held in sob as the tears ran down her face.
"I love you, Sweetheart…so much." She whispered softly, still cautious as to not say too much or push too hard but had to tell her that much at least.
"I love you, too." Nadia whispered back blinking back tears she was refusing to let fall and then pulled back when the nervousness hit her again. "We should get going. I don't want to keep everyone waiting." She gave her mother a soft smile and a nod and then turned to get her bag and stuff.
Irina knew they'd broken through a major barrier but were still no where near being 'okay' again and her heart sank only a little at that thought for she was too happy for the positive at the moment. She waited for Nadia in the hall and the two walked down together with everyone clapping and whistling for Nadia as they'd done for the other two Olympians in the house preparing to go on this journey when they came down the marble staircase to meet them all in the massive foyer and Nadia responded with a tight lipped smile that was fairly shy and they all longed to see her real gorgeous one again.
Once settled on the plane Irina pulled Jack into their bedroom and the moment she shut the door she threw her arms around him and cried happy tears, "She hugged me, Jack. She really hugged me!"
"She did?" Jack pulled her back surprised and with a hopeful smile he cupped her face sharing in her joy that she was breaking through slowly, "So it's working then?" He asked in reference to Irina's sleeping with her every night for the past two weeks and the last week while snuggled against Nadia.
"Seems to be." Irina laughed softly with new tears coming from her eyes in nervous joy, "She asked me to stay with her in the Village like I did with Lena."
"Oh wow." Jack gasped quickly at that massive progress when Nadia avoided he and her mother at all cost before and now she was asking her mother to stay with her for two weeks. He was overjoyed and feeling like he was going to jump out of his skin just like Irina and grabbed her again holding her tightly. "We're getting her back…we'll get her back." He resounded softly but sure of himself pressing his cheek to her head and then pulling back to kiss her with hands cupping her face. "I've missed you like crazy but God is this worth it! It's working!" He smiled against her lips and kissed her again.
"I've missed you, too." She kissed him back with a smile having to make do without sleeping together but at least able to still make love if not in the mornings after Nadia leaves and Irina comes back to their bed but in the shower or her den or wherever and whenever they'd gotten a chance to be alone. This being one of them… "We've got forty-five minutes before we land." She smiled rapidly stepping back and ripping off her shirt with gusto.
When they'd settled into their rooms in the Village, Irina with Jack went around to each of their children's rooms to say 'Goodnight' and hold them tightly, telling them how proud they were of each.
Antony was staying with Lena this time around and upon first hearing such news, Jack had clenched his teeth and took a deep breath, stopping to think before he said anything and realized how ridiculous it would be to get upset by Antony sleeping with Lena over the thought of 'what they might do' when it really didn't matter anymore as they already had and on a regular basis. He instead shifted his focus onto the fact that if Antony was in her room, she'd be that much safer from the throngs of other athletes who more than a few, gave her long and heated lust filled gazes as they entered the buildings going towards their rooms. Having her brother in the next room over was also a comforting thought and Nadia and Irina were on the other side. For security purposes, it was just easier to keep them all in the same area.
Irina was going to be kept very busy as the games got going, not only watching her children's events but being the one to place the medals around all the athletes necks at every medal ceremony was going to be quite the challenge though one she was looking forward too as were the Russian athletes who were thrilled to find out that if they made it to the podium it would be their Tsar kissing their cheeks and giving them their medals.
Lena by far had the most insane schedule of them all and would most likely be 'too tired' to do much of anything but compete and sleep. When Irina promised her she wouldn't hold her back from doing whatever she wanted to at these Olympics, Lena took it quite seriously and was competing in a record seven separate sports. All the sports she was entered in came naturally to her with her normal training of martial arts, running, and weaponry, mostly taught to her by her mother and the Samurai.
She had qualified to compete in five events in Athletics in the 800m, 1500m, 5000m, 10,000m, and the marathon; Archery in both the Individual and Team events; Shooting and Fencing with a combined eight events alone in both of those; Judo and Taekwondo, both coming easily to her with her extensive training in the Martial Arts since the age of four; and the Modern Pentathlon where she would combine shooting, fencing, swimming, equestrian riding, and a 3000m run all in one event. In all, Lena was competing for a record eighteen Gold Medals, whether as Individual or Team and a heavy favorite to win in at least eight of those and because of such, was the most talked about athlete coming into the games. There was not one single day in the two weeks of the games that she wasn't competing in something and at times, was competing in more than one event on the same day.
Nicholas was competing entirely in the pool in two sports of Diving and Swimming. In diving he was competing in the 10m Platform and 3m Springboard and in Swimming, 100m, 400m and 1500m Freestyle, the 4 x100m Freestyle relay as the anchorman and the 200m Breaststroke going for seven Gold Medals. He was an incredibly strong swimmer and his love of diving had never ceased from the moment he had scared them all to death when he was two by plunging off the diving board in the palace pool.
Nadia was competing entirely in Gymnastics in each of the Individual events of the Vault, Uneven Bars, Balance Beam, and the Floor as well as the All-Around, the most coveted Gold Medal for gymnasts as its all events combined, and as part of the Team Competition. She had the potential to win six Gold Medals. She was the most talked about gymnast having been kept such a 'secret' to anyone outside of Russia who'd never really seen her perform in events outside her home country, and with her famous coaches 'requesting' too, that they be able to coach her at only the age of eight, everyone was on edge to see her perform. Especially when in an interview that the two coaches gave together, they both said with sly grins of pride, that 'Nadia was the best gymnast either had ever seen' it got hearts pumping madly with excitement.
In all, the Romanov children had the potential of bringing home an astounding thirty-one Gold Medals and no one would be too surprised if they did in fact pull it off. The only downside of such a heavy schedule was that in the earlier days of the games, some of their children's preliminary events and rounds overlapped forcing the family and parents attentions to be split.
When Nadia's door was the last they came to in the rounds of saying 'goodnight' Jack and Irina paused hesitantly, unsure of what to do. Should they try to hug her? Do they not? It was heartbreaking to try and decide what to do that wouldn't stress her out or make her uncomfortable especially when she had so much more on her mind with her competitions in the coming days.
"I think we should just hug her. I'll go first since she hugged me earlier and hopefully that won't be too much for her and break the ice some for you." Irina whispered quietly to Jack and he nodded thinking that was probably the best. "Don't try to hold her too long…let her control the amount. She seemed to be fine with me earlier and all the sudden it was like she remembered she was uncomfortable in my arms and pulled back immediately." She swallowed hard with tears forming in her eyes. "Are you ready?"
"Yes…I feel like we're preparing to go into a strategic battle rather than say 'goodnight' to our daughter." He sighed rubbing his forehead in frustration and sadness. "I hate this."
"Me too. But we're getting somewhere." Irina sighed cupping his face with one hand and sighing herself as she leaned forward and rested her forehead against his for a moment in silent support. "Let's do this."
She knocked softly on the door and waited for Nadia to answer, "Hi, Sweetie your father and I just wanted to say 'goodnight. Can we come in a minute?"
Nadia nodded softly and stepped back swallowing hard and already anxious slightly at just 'how' she and her mother were going to be going to sleep in the same bed with both conscious while they lay down.
"We figured tomorrow we'd all go around as a family to look at the different venues and area that each of you will be competing at to get an idea of where everything is for all of you before the actual day of competition." Irina smiled softly fingering her hair behind her ear, "Though you're entirely in the dome which makes it nice and easy. You don't have to run all over the place. Lena is another story…" She chuckled softly shaking her head. "Is that okay with you?"
Nadia answered with a slight head nod with gaze shifting all around and wrapping her arms around herself.
"Okay then." Irina inhaled a deep breath quietly and stepped forward gently reaching out to touch Nadia's face and bring her daughter's gaze up to her own if even for a split second before quickly removing it, not wanting to make her too uncomfortable. "I'm so proud of you." She smiled softly, "And I'm very excited to see your routines." She paused for just a moment before wrapping her arms around Nadia kissing her head and her heart sank slightly when Nadia didn't return it but stood completely still beneath her.
"Thank you." Nadia answered quietly trying to keep her own tears held back and patted her mother's back lightly with her fingers, wanting so badly and yet not, to hug her again tightly.
"I love you, Sweetheart." Irina kissed her head again with tears in her eyes she willed to stay there and then let go.
"I'm very proud of you, too, Firecracker." Jack stepped forward and kissed her forehead before holding her tightly, "And I'm very excited to see you perform, too. I love you…so much." He kissed her head again with his own tears and then quickly let her go seeing that she was still as stone beneath him, too.
"I love you, too…" Nadia answered him in almost a whisper and then shifted her gaze away.
"Okay, we'll let you go to bed now. See you tomorrow." Irina smiled inhaling a shaking breath and stepped back turning towards the door.
"You're not staying with me here?" Nadia asked rapidly with a quickening beat to her heart seeing her mother leave.
"Yes, I am…I just thought you'd be more comfortable falling asleep on your own instead of me beside you…I was going to come in later, after you'd already fallen asleep…if you want me to stay now, I will." Irina swallowed hard, hoping and praying with pounding heart Nadia answered with 'yes, please stay now.'
"Okay…I guess I'll see you in the morning then." Nadia swallowed hard, realizing her mother had taken away the awkward factor of falling asleep together by continuing with what she was doing, sneaking in after she was already asleep. It was a relief and yet it wasn't, all at the same time. She hated feeling this way. "Goodnight." She whispered and then turned away from them walking back into the dimly lit room and Jack grasped Irina's hand and pulled it gently to leave.
As soon as they were in the hall and the door was shut separating them, everyone's tears finally fell in silent streams. Nadia sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the door and Jack and Irina holding onto each other in the hallway with Irina trying to keep from sobbing.
"Come on…let's go for a walk." Jack whispered into her ear, kissing her temple with hands rubbing up and down on her upper arms in comfort.
They ended up walking around the massive Athletics stadium where the Opening Ceremonies would be held the following night filled with nearly a hundred thousand people but tonight, it was completely empty except for them, walking hand in hand around the track once and then sitting in the infield with Irina between Jack's legs leaning back against his chest while he leaned back on his arms to brace them, staring up at the sky and talking quietly.
It was late when Irina slipped back into the room she was sharing with Nadia and changed her clothes for bed. This time when she slipped in, she didn't notice that Nadia wasn't really sleeping, only had her eyes closed that opened that minute her mother's arm went around, spooned up behind her and silent tears fell over the bridge of her nose into her pillow hearing her mother whisper against the back of her neck believing she was asleep, "Goodnight, My Nadia, My Little Love…My Heart…"
Nadia concentrated on keeping her breathing even and pulse slow as to not allow her mother to know she was awake and concentrated on the moon outside the window she was staring out of as her focal point. The tears kept falling especially when she realized her mother had fallen asleep and in the stillness with her chest pressed against her back, could feel her mother's heart beating against her and through her and soon, realized their hearts had become synchronized and beating as one. Her mind flashed back to the many times that her mother had always said that her children were pieces of her heart, that their hearts were hers' and when they felt pain and joy, she felt it too and for the first time Nadia physically felt the power her mother's heart had over her own, enough to change its rhythm and beat in time with her own. Her heart really was a piece of her mother's and it amazed her how when left in the stillness without the interruption of the mind, they could talk to each other and find peace in a simple rhythm. Her hand clenched up against her chest from where she lay, gently fingered the locket out from beneath her nightshirt and she grasped it against her palm, falling asleep clutching it as her mother clutched her.
Nadia woke first as she always did and slipped out from beneath her mother's grasp. She stood at the edge of the bed for just a moment before gently leaning forward and kissing Irina's cheek ever so softly with tears in her eyes and then slipped outside on their balcony sitting in the chair there and pulling her legs up under her to watch the sun rise.
Irina felt Nadia sliding out of her arm's for the first time and remained where she was, pretending to sleep and fought like crazy not to cry feeling Nadia lean over and kiss her cheek but once the French balcony door was closed, her tears slipped from beneath her lashes in relief and grief that they could only show and accept the other's affection when they thought the other was sleeping and unconscious of the act.
When it was time to head to the stadium for the events the family split up, the athletes having to go prepare for the parade and the rest of them preparing to welcome the other nations and Open the Ceremony. Lena was kept in a room by herself; with a door just outside the exterior of the Stadium entrance as the last torch runner who would bring the Olympic Torch that had been traveling around the world into the stadium where her mother would light the enormous flame.
It sounded like thunder above her with the hundreds of thousands of people above and around her and she hardly heard the knock on her door as she paced wildly but smiled when Max, her security guard smiled at her opening the door and let Nadia pass.
She couldn't tear the smile from her face staring at her younger sister who looked so beautiful and shook her head with happy tears to see Nadia wearing the Imperial Russian Opening Ceremony outfit of an old time Russian Cossack, really fitting into her other nickname. It was to celebrate their heritage the entire Olympic Team had voted on wearing the traditional Russian clothing of years before and the men were all in the red shirts with black pants and high boots with the cords around their waists while the women in all gorgeous but simple dresses and gorgeous scarves on their heads. Lena was the exception dressed in her uniform of short red shorts with form fitting white top with red stripes on the sides as the one elected by the team to bare the torch.
"You look amazing. I'm jealous you get to wear that." Lena smiled and stepped forward embracing her sister. "Aren't you supposed to be lined up by now?"
"Yes," Nadia smiled softly, "But I knew you'd be nervous and I wanted to come wish you luck and to tell you…you'll be fine." She pulled her sister in for another hug and Lena's eyes watered with tears at the tight embrace. "I love you, Lena…and I'm proud of you."
"Thank you…I love you too, and I'm so proud of you." Lena held her more tightly, "We're going to have fun this Olympics…and I promise I'm coming to see as many of your competitions as I can. Sleep be damned…it's not everyday my sister wins Olympic Gold." She laughed softly.
"We'll see." Nadia smiled shyly with her sister's confidence. "I've got to go…take a deep breath and know that all of Russia loves you…you have nothing to be nervous about. I can't wait to hear the roar of the crowd when you come through that gate." She gave Lena the first full radiant smile Lena had seen in months and held back her tears with a head nod of thanks while Nadia walked out the door.
*PM's Love Theme*
"Here they come." Olga smiled over to Nadia as they watched the entrance of the Imperial Family on massive screens outside the stadium so the athletes could watch the beginning of the ceremonies while waiting for their parade. "My God…Your mother is so gorgeous...takes my breath away in pride that she's our Tsar…every time." She smiled softly shaking her head watching as Irina on the screen stepped out onto the platform set up for them in the middle of the side of the stadium.
The roar was thunderous when they'd stepped out dressed impeccably in their Imperial Regalia and the gorgeous gown Irina was wearing with her hair up and crown on head looked every bit the Tsar she was and Nadia couldn't help the tears forming in her eyes never really getting to 'see' this side of her mother and her family form 'this' perspective, always standing beside them and taking it for granted.
But to see it now, with outsider's eyes, she was in awe and her breath stolen hearing and seeing the massive amounts of love around her as the Russian athletes and almost every other nation's athlete's whistled and cheered loudly for her family…a family she was proud that was her own, that she belonged to them. Her tears flowed freely applauding her mother and father as they waved and bowed regally to the hundreds of thousands of people in the stands above them. Looking like nothing she'd ever seen, this people who were awe-inspiring just in their beauty and presence alone to create such a fuss and then to realize…this was her family and that tonight when this spectacular celebration was all over, the glorious and gorgeous Tsar before her now would crawl into bed with her…as her mother.
She felt the arm go around her and turned her tear stricken face to see her coach smiling at her with the same tear stained face and radiant smile having watched Nadia's reaction and nodding softly while turning her gaze back to the mutual welcoming on the screen.
"Your family… your mother. Only one of five people... in the entire world, that gets to claim that." Nadia spoke quietly looking at her younger namesake, smiling at the thundering roar above with tears continually building in her eyes, "And she's the only one in the world, that gets to claim you for her daughter…and that means more to her than any of this." She nodded towards the screen where hundreds of thousands of adoring people were smiling and cheering and a great deal with tears in their eyes as the cameras scanned the crowds reactions.
For the first time in her life, Nadia felt a real sense of 'awe' looking at her mother, as the Tsar, watching the world's reaction to her as such and, seeing her through their eyes and feeling a surge of immense pride, that she was her mother.
*Olympic Theme*
The parade of athletes was a spectacular sight with all the nations following Russian suit and wearing traditional clothing of their countries heritage that had everyone smiling to see the various costumes that were so easily recognizable for most but none more proud then the Russians to be hosting the games for the first time in their country under Imperial Rule. There would be no boycotting of these Moscow games as there had been the last time under Soviet Rule and every country was excited to partake in the games hosted by the new world leader, having slowly taken over from the United States though the two remained in close competition while remaining great allies.
"Oh here they come!" Irina's eyes instantly had tears in them watching the Russian team enter the stadium and spotting her son who was this year's flag carrier and his radiant smile and Nadia just beside him. The cameras instantly zooming in on them and the entire Imperial Family gasped at seeing Nadia's full blown radiant smile on the jumbo screen and moved to tears watching her continue to smile and wave to the thousands of screaming people.
As they marched around the track waving Nicholas blew his mother a kiss with a smile passing their platform before taking formation on the edge of the field.
"They look so beautiful…all of them." She cried seeing the hundreds of Russian athletes in their attire so proud of their heritage now and so many of them waving frantically with smiles at their Imperial Family.
When the last team was inside the stadium and in place everyone waited in anxious anticipation for Lena to enter with the torch having no idea what to expect, except for Irina and the other members of the Olympic Committee who knew what would happen but even they were on edge with pounding hearts.
*O Fortuna*
With the first notes of the song blaring loudly throughout the stadium and Lena's appearance, running through the stadium field entrance with Olympic Torch in hand the crowd went completely nuts with the song written and dedicated to the 'Call of the Warriors.' Many, including her family, instantly had visions of Irina from the films running for her life to this same track that had become her anthem. Lena couldn't help but smile as she ran past the blur of people and athletes, running alone around the track and her image broadcast all around on the massive screens, tears in her eyes and streaking back into her hair that was pulled up into a ponytail swinging madly behind her running like the wind with pride.
Everyone had tears in their eyes and Irina could hardly contain them though she blinked them back furiously knowing she had a job to do and waited breathlessly for Lena to make her way back around to them. She walked down the red-carpeted path of stairs alone to the lower platform where Lena would meet her and the timing was perfect.
Lena smiled with pounding heart in the deafening roar of hundreds of thousands of voices as she ran up the stairs to meet her mother with the flame. Irina smiled widely at her with tears in her eyes reaching to pick up the Golden Bow from its pedestal and held it out for Lena to light the arrow on the end. She leaned forward and kissed her daughter's forehead with a smile and a proud nod and Lena kissed her cheek in the same manner, before taking aim at the massive caldron on the end of the stadium. With arm pulling back tightly on the strung wire it was a sight to behold; the Imperial Tsar of Russia looking so regal and gorgeous in her gown and crown and aiming with a Golden Bow in perfect form like a Goddess before letting the flaming arrow fly soaring through the air in a dramatic arch over the athletes and igniting the Olympic Flame on the other side of the stadium.
Everyone roared as the flames lit to form a spectacular formation and sculpture of fire in the shape of St. Basil's domes with colored fire and all to match the most famous symbol of Russia and flaming golden Olympic rings in the middle; the second crescendo of the music in perfect time with the dramatic events and the loud booming of the song and fireworks exploding in the background accentuating the heart pounding brilliance before them.
"Ho-ly hell!" Weiss gasped with raging tears of happiness clapping wildly in stunned awe with complete surprise to his wife. "Wow…I think my hearts going to explode!"
"Mine too." Sophia nodded with another gasp wiping at her tears with a raging smile.
Lena extinguished the torch in her hand by dipping it into a large golden vase and waited for her mother to replace the bow before throwing her arms madly around her with tears of joy and excitement; the embrace was flashed around the stadium with the people continuing to go crazy before Lena stepped back, bowed gracefully in her slight way to show her mother respect in such a formal manner with smile on her face and then turned to jog down the steps again and join her team while the festivities took off with that massive bang of a beginning.
"Nice shot, Empress." Weiss winked at Irina with a pleased smile and applause when she returned to her seat and the rest of the family stood until she was seated on her throne next to Jack. The last time he'd seen a spectacular shot like that from her, that had taken his breath away had been his stunned awe in Libya watching as her assassin's aim took out Sloanes' guards from more than a mile away. She proved to be just as accurate and spectacular with a bow and arrow.
*Myth, Power, Beauty *
Irina had waited to return to their room just as she had the night before and soundlessly slipped into the room, smiling softly to see Nadia asleep in the bed on her side facing towards the balcony doors again. She hadn't gotten the chance to see her and speak with her since before they all left for the ceremony and she watched her sleep for just a moment before beginning to remove the dress Jack was kind enough to unzip before she stepped into the room, making it much easier to get out of by herself. With the dress sliding down and off her body, she laid it over the back of the chair intending to put it away in the morning and slipped into her black running shorts. She removed the heavy jewelry worth millions of dollars and placed them carefully into their boxes and shut them into the portable safe along with her tiara crown. Her arms quickly slipped through the holes and under the straps of her matching light tank top that clung to her figure.
She stepped in front of the windows letting the moonlight wash over her as she looked out over the cityscape below with a slight smile on her face, raising her arms to release her drawn up hair unaware, she was being watched by her daughter.
Nadia had remained silent watching her mother's transformation from the Tsar...to her mother. Her coaches words flashing rapidly through her mind, 'she's the only one in the world, that gets to claim you for her daughter and that means more to her than any of this.' Nadia's eyes caught sight of the scar across her mother's abdomen when Irina lifted her arms to release her hair. The scar that her father had originally created and then was used again to save she and her brother during their traumatic birth; Nadia had never really paid too much attention to it before having seen it all her life but now with the new information her coach had given her, she couldn't take her eyes from it and the tears welled and fell thinking about what her mother had gone through, endured in tremendous pain because of her love for her before she was even born. She had the overwhelming urge to hold her mother and be held by her in turn and shoved all thoughts and feelings aside and she carefully slipped out of bed.
The movement caught Irina's peripheral vision and she turned just in time to see Nadia's tears streaming down her cheeks stepping towards her before engulfing her in a hug that almost knocked her over…the bear hug she'd been longing for.
"I'm so proud that you're my mother." Nadia whispered with head turned away holding tightly. "And I do love you, Mama."
Irina couldn't help the small sob that escaped and held Nadia tightly, "Sweetheart, it is I, that am so proud…that you're my daughter." She cried softly and kissed Nadia's head repeatedly, "I love you so much…to the moon and back, more than the stars in the Heavens…and grains of sand on Earth…forever and always…I love you, Nadia." She had no idea if she'd said too much or was holding too tightly but she couldn't contain herself feeling Nadia's tight grip around her and her daughter's words. Her heart was pounding rapidly and dreading the second when Nadia's awkwardness returned and would pull her away.
Nadia could hear and feel her mother's thundering heart beat beneath her ear, the obvious connection and excitement made the pace beat in double time and her mind short-circuited to the fact that 'she' made her do this, physically. She had the power to physically make her mother's heart pound with love and excitement within her chest and more tears began to fall as she snuggled her face in deeper into her mother's soft skin and chest inhaling her scent she loved so much.
Irina's heart only continued to pick up speed with every passing second Nadia let her hold her, and her daughter held her back and more and more silent tears fell. She hoped her heart beating pressed against Nadia's chest would be able to continually convey the love she had for her when she didn't want to overload her with the words. In almost a breathless second later, she felt Nadia pulling away and she rapidly struggled to pull herself back together and put a soft smile on her face.
Nadia gave her one in return and wiped at her tears that Irina saw for the first time and her breath caught in throat to see her daughter's emotions so clear and without the protective veil. Watching as Nadia turned back towards the bed to climb in, Irina walked to her dresser and opened the drawer to find her sweatshirt.
"What are you doing?" Nadia asked just before getting into the bed staring at her mother peculiarly.
"Going to run for awhile, so you can fall asleep again." Irina answered still sniffling and gave her a small smile pulling the black fabric from the drawer.
Nadia instantly shook her head without thinking and walked forward rapidly and then stopped suddenly, swallowing hard she took the sweatshirt from her mother's hands gently while Irina watched her with held breath. She set the fabric down on the end of the bed and held her hand out slowly staring at it with pounding heart and then tracking up her mother's torso until she was looking into her eyes. Irina tried to calm her shaking hand as she reached for Nadia's and felt her heart skip a beat when her child's fingers wrapped around her own and turned leading her back to bed.
"Are you sure?" She asked Nadia in a whisper with hopeful tears in her eyes.
Nadia only answered with a soft head nod and each climbed into bed on opposite sides. Nadia once again was facing towards the balcony doors and Irina was staring at her back with a foot of space between them, unsure of whether or not she should hold her now or wait until she fell asleep.
They stayed silent and still for a moment like that before Nadia shifted her arm back extending her hand and waited until she felt Irina's slide into it and then pulled it over her, pulling her mother closer and Irina bit back a sob as she snuggled up behind her. When Nadia didn't release her hand but tucked her mother's arm beneath her own trapping it against her body and pulling their connected hands up towards her chin Irina didn't hesitate to pull Nadia back against her more soundly and lay her cheek over the back and side of Nadia's neck, as close to cocooning her as much as she could or dared.
"Goodnight, Mama." Nadia whispered after a moment with pounding heart feeling hers' bouncing against her mothers through their chest walls.
"Goodnight, Doodle Bug." Irina whispered back feeling the same pounding rhythm and as the silence passed and breath evened out, their hearts fell into a synchronized tandem beat just before both pairs of eyes closed.
