Deeks feels his heart sink, and possibly break, at his partner's whispered words. He had told Hetty that if things were handled poorly, they might lose Kensi - but it had been a threat. He had yet to let himself consider the possibility that she wouldn't recover and come back to work, soon. But now that possibility was staring him in the face, raised by the last person he expected - Kensi herself.
What would it mean for him if she didn't return at all? What would it mean for them and how would their relationship change if they were no longer partners? Would he even stay as their liason or would Hetty send him back to LAPD? He knew he had been chosen for the position to be Kensi's partner. He was struck by his selfishness though, as a deeper realization hit him. What must Kensi be thinking and feeling to even consider not coming back? And that scared him even more. Kensi defined herself by the job. If she gave it up, what would she have left? And what was it that made her think she may not be able to come back? Did she fear not recovering from her physical injuries? Or was it the dreaded return-to-work psych eval she was sure she would fail? Or did she genuinely doubt her ability to recover from this sufficiently to be able to return? Each possibility felt like a blow to the head.
He was lost in thought and wondered how much time had passed since she spoke her words. His attention snapped back to her, taking in her sad expression as she continued to poke at her food. What was going on in her head? Was she ready to talk? Gently, he reached out to hold her hand. The fork she had been using fell to the plate when she felt his touch, and she let him take her hand in his.
"Kens, what's going on in your head?" He asked, knowing his words sounded clumsy. "Help me to understand." She met his gaze, surprised to see unshed tears glistening in his eyes. "I know you're hurting, and you're going to need time. But what is it that's making you consider you won't come back to work?"
She sighed and shifted uncomfortably, unsure how to respond. She shrugged but knew that wouldn't be enough of an answer for him.
"It's just too much." She tried to explain. "Panic attacks, those episodes... what if it happened in the field? It could get someone killed."
"It's only been three days. You can't expect to bounce back so quickly. You'll get them under control. Nate and I can help." He told her. She looked up at him, still unsure how to explain. How was she going to tell Deeks, who obviously loved her so much, what was going through her head? Tears continued to spill down her cheeks before she finally whispered
"I'm broken. What if I can't put myself back together again?"
Deeks heart shattered when he heard those words. He quickly moved closer to her and scooped her up in his arms, holding her close to his chest. The tears that had been threatening to fall now landed in her hair as he cried with her. He needed to reassure himself and to reassure her.
"You are not broken." He said emphatically. "And even if you were - I would do everything it took to put you back together again. You don't have to do this alone. You have a whole team behind you ready to help. And you have me. What you went through was horrible, too horrible to put into words. And maybe it made you feel like you were breaking. But you are NOT broken. You are beautiful, and strong and amazing. You are wonder woman, and you're going to get back to saving the world again." He punctuated what he said with a gentle kiss to the top of her head. "No one is giving up on you. So don't you dare give up on yourself."
Kensi continued to cry softly, touched by her partner's words but still unable to feel the hope that he had for her. But she was sure of one thing right now, and that was her trust in him. She had no doubts he would do everything he could to help her, but she was afraid instead of saving her that he would only end up going down with her. Her instincts were screaming at her to push him away, but she knew how useless that would be. Nothing was going to convince him to leave her right now. So she sighed and let him hold her while they were both lost in thought.
"Deeks?" She whispered quietly when her tears had stopped falling.
"Yeah?" He replied. "I'm here."
"Maybe we should go to bed." She suggested. "I know we had a nap... but it's late. And I'm still tired."
"Of course. Let me give you a hand." He told her as she moved from his lap so he could stand up. "Lean on me and keep the weight off your leg." He ordered as he helped her stand up. "Washroom first?" He suggested and she nodded. When they got to the door he paused so she could go in by herself. "Let me know when you're done. Take your time."
The door shut, and he returned to the couch. He took a few minutes to tidy up, grateful that he generally kept the place clean. He retrieved the blanket from the couch and took it to his room, in case Kensi felt she needed it overnight. He grabbed the meds they might need overnight and a bottle of water, and was lost in thought considering what else they might want or need. He heard Kensi open the washroom door, and she paused for a minute before calling his name. He knew she was fighting the urge to just walk to bed herself, but she resisted and let him help her. She sank down, clearly exhausted, and pulled him down next to her. She didn't resist as he tucked the blanket around them and pulled her close to him.
"I've got you Kens, you're safe. Get some sleep." He whispered. She looked up at him with a weak smile.
"Thank you." She whispered back. Refusing to think any further, she gave into an impulse she'd been fighting for ages. She reached up and put her hand on his cheek, gently pulling him towards her so she could bring their lips together. "Thank you, for everything." She said again, before nuzzling into his chest and drifting to sleep.
