I apologize in advance for the typos and grammatical errors but the longer the chapters are, the less I seem to pay attention...The chapter is worth reading though, I promise.


Chapter 54 :

Survivor's guilt :

It's about nine the next morning when Olivia wakes up next to Amanda for the first time in over a week. Lying on her side, her hand on her wife's enlarged belly, Olivia can't help but being torn between her happiness and that pain that overwhelms her every time she looks at Calvin. Will she ever be able to help him cope with his recent loss and make him feel part of the Benson-Rollins' family? Only time will tell, but she sure as hell will do everything in her power to make it happen.

"You're already up?What time is it?" Feeling Olivia's finger tips tickling her belly button, Amanda slowly opens her eyes wide enough to see her wife looking at down at her, her eyes filled with love and that smile that can light up a room almost as brightly as the day light.

"It's only nine o'clock, but I have a few errands to run with your mother, don't ask, it's a surprise." Not giving Amanda any time to object, Olivia presses her lips against hers.

"Alright, I won't. How's Calvin, have you checked on him?" Slowly and painfully straightening herself up, Amanda immediately feels a violent contractions striking through her entire body.

"Yes, I think he's unpacking, are you okay?" Helping Amanda to sit up in bed, Olivia immediately reaches to her belly only to feel the babies moving so vividly that she has no trouble sympathizing with her pain.

"You think? Have you checked on him or not?" Amanda replies, her voice slightly more agressive as she clenches her jaws to try to keep from screaming in pain.

"I walked by his bedroom and heard some noise but I didn't want to barge in and bother him, I think he needs some privacy but I'll check on him before leaving don't worry. Let me get your mother so she can check you up." Swallowing hard, forcing herself to take deep breaths, Olivia lets go of Amanda's hand for a second thinking that this is it, the moment they've been expecting for almost a year now is finally coming.

"No, I'm fine. Just one of those Braxton's contractions." Although she's had these particular contractions for the past few weeks, this one is particularly intense and endless, forcing Amanda to wonder if she'll be able to handle real contractions, labor and giving birth to two babies that are already above average size and weight.

"Just take a deep breath okay?" Cussing herself for being to powerless, Olivia gently starts massaging her belly, hoping her touch would appease the pain.

"I'm fine...Can we talk about something else other than the pain please? Distract me." Forcing herself to smile through grin teeth, Amanda squeezes Olivia's hand as hard as she can.

"Okay. Well, I called George a couple of days ago and he recommended an excellent psychiatrist for Calvin but I don't want to mention it to him just now. " Although Olivia held Amanda's hand through these Braxton's contractions in the past, this one seems more intense, which hopefully indicates that the twins are almost ready to grace them with their presence.

"I understand, you don't want him to feel that you care so little about him to just ship him off to a shrink."

"Yes, I want to give him some time and space to settle down and acclimate himself to his new life. I also want to give him the opportunity to confide in me first before sending him to a stranger."

"I understand and I'm willing to do everything in my power to help him cope with his loss, as long as we both agree that as much as we love him we might not be the most competent to help him." Repositioning herself on her back as the pains slowly starts to fade away, Amanda reaches out to Olivia's face with her right hand, knowing just how much she hates feeling powerless to rescue the people she loves the most.

"I know, being a parent means you have to accept that you don't have all the answers and that reaching out for help doesn't make you less competent." If there's one thing Olivia learned over the past couple of years is that reaching out for help doesn't make her weak or unworthy, that to the contrary it makes her strong and that putting her pride aside from time to time proves just how devoted she's to her family and how much she loves them.

"Exactly. Speaking of which, have you and Dr Huang discussed the possibility of us adopting him?" Smiling as she says the words that she knows will bring the brightest smile on her wife's face Amanda gently starts stroking Olivia's right cheek with her thumb.

"I...I...No, we didn't discuss that. I didn't think that's something you'd be willing to do especially since we don't need to do it you know." Adopting Calvin, making him a Benson, is a dream she gave up a long time ago.

"I know that considering both his parents have been stripped of their parental rights, there's no one left to claim custody so we have no legal reason to adopt him but I think it might help him feel more part of this family, especially once the twins are born and start monopolising all our attention and time."

"Maybe, but I never wanted to replace his mother. I know he still loves her and that he's still hoping she's gonna come back for him some day." When it comes to Vivian, Olivia is torn between wishing that she's still alive and hoping she'll never come back, knowing that people like her just don't change, not after falling that low and struggling for that long. She knows that as hurt as Calvin him to live without her, seeing him come back only to hurt and disappoint again would hurt him even more.

"Do you think she ever will?" Amanda never met Vivian but she heard enough about her to know that seeing her coming back is the last thing Calvin needs, that he would never recover, should she disappear again.

"I don't even know if she's still alive. It's been five years since she checked out of rehab. She never called, wrote or visited and that's exactly why the judge stripped her of her parental rights, so she'd have no legal rights to take him away from his grand parents if she ever decided to come back. I just...she's still his mother." That love/hate relationship Calvin has with this mother is one of the thing they have in common and just like him, Olivia knows what is like to still love a mother who did nothing to deserve that title and she understands better than anyone else how difficult it is for Calvin to keep hoping she'll come back and change, for him, because she loves him and to be let down every single time without ever being able to stop loving her.

"Giving birth to him doesn't make her his mother. You've loved and have cared more for him in the past five years than she ever did in his entire life. That said, adopting him wouldn't mean you're replacing her but that you, that we're welcoming him in our family. I think, after being abandoned by his mother, seeing his father being sent to jail and his grand parents die before his eyes, that he needs this reassurance that he's finally found a stable home." Things weren't always easy between Calvin and Amanda. When Olivia first told him she fell in love with the blonde and that she was convinced she was the one, the boy felt threatened, left appart, as if Amanda was going to replace him in the brunette's heart. When the two women visited him in Vermont for the time, the boy did everything he could to show is disapproval and to let Olivia know that he would not visit her as long as Amanda was in her life. Thankfully, with time, Calvin realized that just like he found his grand parents to raise him and provide him with the love he had craved for his entire life, Olivia too deserved someone to take care of her and slowly came to accept that Amanda was that person. Now Amanda and Calvin entertain a perfectly loving relationship and the only thing Amanda can hope for is that he won't feel threatened by the twins and that he'll learn to accept them in his life the same way he accepted her and he'd come to understand that loving them and caring for them wouldn't make her and Olivia love him less.

"You're absolutely right but let's take this one step at the time, shall we?" Although there is no doubt in her mind that she wants to officially adopt him, Olivia doesn't want to get carried away and prefers to play it safe and follow George's advice.

"Absolutely, now go get dressed, I can hear my mother downstairs and you know how she hates when we make her wait."

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay?" Wandering her hand on Amanda's belly, Olivia can fell that the babies are finally settling down and that the her breathing is more regular but doesn't fell right about leaving her, even for a couple of hours.

"Yes, Calvin is here if I need anything and I have both you and my mom on speed dial. I'll be fine." Truth is, Amanda is eager to spend some quality time with Calvin to see if she can get him to confide in her about his grand parents' death without Olivia knowing about it. She knows how hard Calvin always tries to show Olivia he's a man and that part of that is to hide his sadness, to keep it inside for as long as he can take and she's afraid of what might happen when that sorrow just explodes.

"Okay. I don't like this but we really need to take care of that...thing, it shouldn't take more than a couple of hours. Just stay in bed okay?" Pouting, Olivia gently kisses Amanda's forehead.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Stepping out of the bedroom, Olivia quickly checks her watch and realizes that she still has time before driving to the airport to pick Adele up and that she might as well use those few minutes to talk to Calvin.

"Hey there. How did you sleep?" Olivia says as she pushes Calvin's door which is already half open.

"Very well, how's Amanda?" Calvin is standing in the middle of his bedroom, clothes, books and other personal items spread around him, he's still wearing his PJ's and he looks rested and content.

"She just had one of these Braxton's contractions that was pretty intense but she's fine now." Stepping inside the bedroom, Olivia quickly looks around her and realizes that this is now Calvin's sanctuary, the place where he'll spend most of his time after school, studying, reading or playing video games, that it wasn't just the room he occasionally slept in when he visited them over the summer and this was his home now.

"I think it should only be a matter of days." Still turning his back on Olivia, Calvin continue to fold his cold and to put them away in the gigantic wardrobe standing in front of him.

"That's what the Doctor said but in the mean time Dorothy and I are gonna pick up Amanda's sister at the airport, we should be back around noon." Apparently, Calvin is not in a chatty mood, this morning but it doesn't matter, Olivia knows that he'll confide in her eventually, that right now he needs his space.

"It's okay, I'll look after Amanda, is she going back to sleep?" Strangely, looking after a woman that could start having contractions any minute doesn't frighten him, after doing extensive research on the subject, he feels confident that he'll be able to help Amanda until the ambulance arrives.

"I think so, but I didn't come here to ask you to look after, I was actually wondering if we could talk?" Shyly mumbling these few words, Olivia crosses her fingers and wishes that he won't push her away again, the way he has for the past week.

"Sure." At this point, Calvin knows that he doesn't have much of a choice, that at some point he's gonna have to sit down and listen to what Olivia has to say and eventually open up about what happened that night. Thankfully, he knows that Olivia only has a few minutes and that he won't have to confide in her just now.

"I just wanted to let you know that Amanda and I are here for you, what ever you need, all you need to do is ask, okay?" After hesitating for a second, Olivia finally reaches out to the boy who's sitting next to her and snakes her arms around his shoulder and pulls him into her warm embrace. She'd love to say more, to tell him how much she loves him and how sorry she is that his grand parents had to die for them to be together again but she can't, not now, it's too soon.

"I know and I'm okay, I miss them, that's all." For a split second and for the first time since the funeral, Calvin allows himself to find comfort in Olivia's strong and loving arms but still manages to hold his tears.

"I know and I miss them too." Olivia too is holding her tears as she tightens the grip she has on the boy.

"You should go now, I can hear Amanda's mother getting ready downstairs." Shaking his head, Calvin resurfaces from that quiet and warm spot he had slipped in and gently escapes from Olivia's embrace.

"Yes, we'll talk more when I get back okay?" Teenagers, mourning or perfectly happy, it's hard to get them to accept a simple hug, but it's okay, Olivia doesn't need Calvin to express his love and gratitude physically, all she needs is to look into his big brown eyes.

"Okay, don't worry I'll call you if anything happens." Nodding, Calvin bounces out of his bed and takes a few steps towards his wardrobe feeling the tears slowly rushing to hus eyes.

About an hour later, after finally finishing sorting his things out and taking the time to get dress, Calvin decides to make Amanda some breakfast and to wake her up.

"Morning Amanda, I made you breakfast." Stepping into the master bedroom holding a large tray in his arms, Calvin can see that Amanda is already awake and is grateful that he won't have to wake her up himself.

"Thank you. I wanted to get up but then I decided I could use more rest." Smiling at that thoughtful gesture, Amanda puts the book she'd holding away and welcome Calvin to sit next to her.

"You couldn't get up hum?" The last time Calvin saw Amanda she was only six months pregnant and could easily get around and seeing her lying in bed, unable to move breaks his heart into a million pieces.

"No, It's hard to get up with and stand still when the entire weight of your body seems to be concentrated on your belly. Thanks for rescuing me, I was starving." Amanda replies as she licks her lips in anticipation of the delicious breakfast Calvin prepared for her.

"You're welcome, it's my grand mother's omelette recipe, I hope it's not too spicy." Calvin replies as he delicately positions the tray on Amanda's lap.

"I hope it is, I don't think I'll be able to take this much longer." And God knows she tried everything safe to induce labor like eating spicy food, but nothing seems to work and the only thing that's left to try is to have sex with Olivia, which she has every intention of trying once her wife is back home.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm fine, I've just had a few contractions this morning, nothing unusual. So tell me about your grand mother, she was a great cook wasn't she?" Grand parents always hold a key role in a child's life, not because of their wisdom and life experience but because children tend to confide in them more than in their parents and to look up to them as allies, only looking out for their best interest and not as ennemies. Sadly, the closest thing Calvin has to a grand parent now is Dorothy and he only met her a couple of time but Amanda hopes that the two of them will eventually get close and develop a strong bond.

"Yes, but she wasn't traditional like your mother, she always tried new recipes or even make up new ones so my grand pa and I never knew what we were gonna eat or if we were gonna like it or not." For the first time since their deaths, Calvin smiles mentioning and thinking about his grand parents.

"And here I thought you were as bad ass and adventurous as Liv." Smiling back, Amanda takes a small bite at the delicious omelette, hoping it's indeed spicy enough to provoke contractions.

"Yes, but not when it comes to food, I think I have a sensitive stomach like my grand pa, we had a lot of things in common but I'm all alone now." His head down, Calvin is unable to hold his emotion, the tears are rushing to his eyes and his voice is slightly shaking.

"That's not true. You've got me and Liv and we love you very much."

"That's until the twins are born but afterward you won't have time for me and I'll just have to go live somewhere else." Stability, that's the one thing Calvin always wanted and the only time he truly felt home was when he was living with Olivia years ago but this time it's different, it's like Olivia's life changed so much that he doesn't fit anywhere in her family or home.

"Don't say that! It's true that we're gonna spend a lot of time with the twins but it doesnt mean that we won't have time for you or that we will love you less, you hear me?" Calvin's fear of abandonment is so infuriating that Amanda rises her voice at him when the one she's truly mad at is his mother.

"I should have died in that accident." As angry as he is, Calvin's voice is strangely calm and steady. He's sitting next to Amanda, his head still down and the rest of his body is completely relaxed, as if he just stopped fighting.

"Don't say that." Shaking her head, Amanda painfully put the tray aside on her night stands and pulls the boy into her embrace.

"No, I should have, I wasn't sitting in the right seat, that's why I didn't die!" Suddenly, Calvin isn't so calm anymore, he pushes Amanda away and bounces out of bed.

"What do you mean by that?" As painful as it is for her, Amand forces herself to toss the covers aside and sit on the edge of her bed. If it comes to it, she's willing to get out of that bed and grab Calvin to force him to stay with her.

"I always sit in the right seat behind grand ma but I spilled some soda so I had to sit on the other seat." His hands closed into fists, Calvin is standing a couple of feet away from Amanda but can't look at her in the eyes. This guilt is experiencing is so overwhelming that he doesn't feel he deserves the compassion he knows he'd see in them.

"And the other car hit it your grand parents' car from the right." Sighing, Amanda finally comes to understand Calvin's inability to confide in Olivia or to express his grief by doing anything else than staying prostrated in his room.

"Yes! The only reason I survived is because I changed seats! That's not fair !" Bursting into tears, Calvin instinctively rushes into Amanda's arms. For the first time since his grand parents died he's finally able to tell the truth about the accident and to express his guilt.

"Oh Calvin, sweetheart, come here..." At that precise moment, Amanda is stroke by a pain that sharper than anything contraction she's experienced before and a warm liquid streaming between her legs. Determined to allow Calvin to express his frustration and guilt, Amanda clenches her jaws and fists around the sheets below her hoping it won't be long before Calvin is calm down and able to grab the phone and dial 911 because God knows she couldn't move her little finger even if she tries.


Well I'm glad you're all enjoying Calvin's return and since you're all so concerned about him and his grieving process I figured I'd focus another chapter on him so he could confide in Amanda about his loss. I just didn't want this part of the story to be contrived or to leave it unfinished before the twins are born.

Now I hope you don't hate me for the cliffhanger... Next chapter should be interesting!

Please tell me if you want me to write the birth of the twins in graphic details or just mention it quickly to focus on the moments leading to it and the moment they're all reunited as a family afterwards.