AN: I don't own any of The Hobbit characters, I am just taking them out of Tolkien's toy box and playing with them.
"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth."
― William W. Purkey
With thanks to my Beta fierynightangel, who really is an angel and saves you from my horrendous spelling and grammar.
Warning: food porn.
Warning: The talk.
Warning: Revealing of a dwarf's past.
Nelsanna: Thank you.
LovesDragons: Yep, it definitely terrifies Thorin, which in itself is amusing without anything else. Balin needs to lose occasionally, I've been told it is good for him. Ah, the distraction, hmm, a hint, you remember the library conversation? Yes? Good. Well, Nori, needed the tricks before he joined the underworld, or he would have been dead, and who else would he have learnt them from but his big brother when he was surrounded by good and honourable guards.
Chapter Fifty Three – Something to Believe in.
Bilbo Baggins, heir to Bag End and hobbit of the Shire, ran a hand through his now thoroughly mussed up hair. He hadn't realised his interest in dwarves would hit such a dead end so early on. For two years he had scoured the stalls of the book and tat vendors of Bree and the Shire. All that had gained him was a headache and a dislike of haggling. Finally, he had something he could use, and it was nothing more than a book written for the children of dwarves, teaching them to read and write. If he hadn't found the slim volume, he would have given up on his research altogether, and while his find had dismayed his father, his mother had grinned, and provided him with a journal that she instructed him to keep in the new language he had discovered. Suddenly, he grinned as he realised what a treasure his new find really was. Dwarves were secretive, that was a fact known by even the most hobbit-y of hobbits, if he studied diligently, he now had a way to read most of the scripts and books that vendors sold as illegible tat. He knew at least three vendors in Bree had books with these runes on their spines, this tiny instruction book would open worlds to him. Now, that symbol there meant the number one. When Belladonna went to call her young son to lunch, she found him immersed in carefully tracing words onto the parchment in front of him and a wide smile on his face.
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After calming Gandalf down and waking Thorin by dint of slapping the king-in-exile's cheek, Bilbo walked into the kitchen to prepare the Company a late supper, slapping Dori and Nori softly around the head as he passed. It was only when he reached the kitchen that he realised what he had done, and turned with an apology ready on his tongue, bumping into Ori, who was a single step behind him. The young dwarf dragged him physically into the kitchen and shut the door. Bilbo looked into the grinning face and sparkling eyes of the dwarf he had declared himself protector of, and sagged against a counter, "Oh, thank Mahal and Yavanna."
Ori's bright laugh filled the room, and he pulled Bilbo into a massive hug. "You're family now, and you are never getting away." He softened, "Thank you."
"Bah," Bilbo grunted feeling embarrassed, and reeling from the fact a dwarf had voluntarily hugged him without hesitating. That the dwarf in question was Ori, made a huge smile spread across his face and a warm feeling settle in his chest. He laughed lightly, and gestured around the kitchen, "Shall we?"
Ori's delighted nod meant they settled into a now familiar routine, and the Company members glanced at the door as strains of song and laughter floated through it. Thorin glanced in dismay at Dori as a rather rude line reached them, quite clearly being sung by young Ori, and flinched when the grey-haired dwarf merely smiled serenely and settled back with his knitting by a peaceful looking Balin.
In what seemed like no time, supper had been served up, and the Company dragged Gandalf to the table, happy to have the wizard eat with them. The food before them smelled wonderful, and there was enough that everybody's tastes were satisfied. Thorin hummed as he hoarded the peach and custard tarts, this was one recipe he didn't know, and he made a mental note to get it from the hobbit if they ever reclaimed his home. Dwalin was grinning as he happily ate the plate of butter smothered scones that had found its way to his elbow, Bilbo had decided to sit in his lap and was nibbling at his own scone, the innocent expression on his face telling Dwalin there would be dessert for him later. Fíli was sharing a bowl of strawberries, honey, and cream with Bofur, coaxing the miner to take the fruit from his fingers. At the jolt his stomach made when a warm tongue licked the digits, he rethought that plan, making a mental note to ask Bilbo why that had happened later. Kíli watched his brother with wide eyes as he tucked into the mint-glazed lamb cutlets, salad, potatoes, and griddled asparagus. Ori was tucked against his side, occasionally snaffling a potato from his plate, despite claiming he had nibbled too much making the food. Bifur was laughing at Nori's disgusted expression as he tucked into a balsamic drizzled blood-orange and fennel salad, while the thief was eating roasted potato sticks and spicy-flamed chicken, getting revenge on the toy maker by threatening to wipe greasy fingers on him. Dori sighed indulgently as he sipped at a red-berry tea and daintily nibbled at elderflower and gin flavoured shortbreads, making liberal use of the bowl of elderberry preserve that had magically appeared. Gandalf was watching everyone, and wondering just how Bilbo and Ori had magically prepared such a spread, he wasn't complaining as such diligence had allowed them to provide him with a mint flavoured mead and a bowl of chopped pineapple, melon, and passion fruit. Glóin was making complimentary noises as he dug into a plate of thinly sliced salted beef, liberally flavoured with mustard and sliced gherkins. Óin was enjoying a pork tenderloin with balsamic onion and fig relish, while Balin was attempting a spiced chicken dish that came with rice and reminded him of the one Bilbo had served their first night at Bag End. Bombur was savouring the dish he had chosen, while he knew he should probably share, the thought of giving up the burnt orange chocolate mousse made him rather teary eyed.
Full and satisfied at the end of the repast, the Company split into different groups. Bilbo found himself confronted with Fíli and dragged away before he could fully remove himself from Dwalin's lap. Devoid of his companion, Dwalin settled with Óin, Glóin, and Bombur, somehow finding himself telling the trio of older dwarves just what had happened when he arrived at Bag End. Thorin pulled Gandalf to a couple of chairs to talk, and they shared a pipe as the dwarf described the visit by young Estel. Bofur, abandoned by a flushed looking Fíli, was joined on the floor by Bifur and Nori, who slowly dragged him into a game of marbles. Dori had retreated to his room to grab an early night, leaving Balin to talk with Ori and Kíli, who were questioning the diplomat on what he could remember of the ancient history of Khazad-dûm.
While the Company settled in the common area, Bilbo found himself dragged out into the gardens by an embarrassed looking Fíli. Finally deciding he was bored of being dragged through the pathways, he simply pulled to a stop and planted his feet. Surprised, Fíli staggered backward, and turned to him with wild eyes. "Now, while I appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me a secret, lad, why didn't you just ask, rather than drag me out?"
Wide blue eyes stared at him, "Sorry, Uncle Bilbo."
"Now, none of that, lad. What's wrong, Fíli?"
The flush was back, and Bilbo edged the blonde dwarf to a bench while he let the broader male make his mind up. Seating them comfortably, Bilbo waited in silence for Fíli to start talking, and to his surprise, the technique worked.
"I've found my One, Uncle Bilbo." Bilbo looked over the regular braids the prince sported, and the worried expression on the Durin's face, settling for silence again as Fíli kept talking, "We haven't put braids, or even exchanged courting gifts, as I am still trying to convince him that we can court and our differences don't matter. He keeps putting himself down, and it hurts when he does so. I don't care that he is a miner at heart, that he now makes toys for a living. Hell, I have even less to offer him. I mean, I am an heir to a kingdom lost to a bloody dragon, and I have no true skills. Barely trained at the forge, and a warrior through necessity not heart, what exactly can I offer him?"
Bilbo smiled wryly, and understood just how young the dwarf beside him really was. In years, he might be decades away from the blonde, but even with his experiences, Fíli had just barely turned adult. "Fíli," he sighed softly, breaking into the ramblings, "I shouldn't tell you this, but I once asked Bofur what he saw you as. Do you know what he told me?" Fíli's eyes flew wide, and Bilbo smiled gently, "He told me, 'I see him as friend, a very good friend. I see him as a great dwarf, he is someone I could happily call king if I had to. He has a kindness in him, a lightness that many dwarves are missing now. He is a quick learner, and good with his hands."
Bilbo squeezed Fíli's captured fingers, "Do you know what that means Fíli? It means he loves you for you, he sees you. He doesn't want a prince, a blacksmith, a jeweller, a warrior. He wants you, and you alone. It isn't that he doesn't see himself equal to the prince, it is that he sees you as a jewel beyond measure. To Bofur, you are his Arkenstone. He was willing to teach you so you could gain your one, he befriended you, despite your differences, and he let you see him fall apart. That should tell you he is serious about him being in your life no matter what, you held him as he fell apart and he let you put him back together, and…"
"For a dwarf that is unheard of, but for a bonded couple." Fíli's voice finished the sentence, and this time he was calm. "I'm sorry about that. The ramble-rant thing wasn't actually what I wanted to talk about." He flushed lightly, "I supposed I could ask Bombur or Glóin this, but I am more comfortable asking you." He took a deep breath, and before Bilbo could blink, was talking again, "When-Bofur-took-the-strawberry-from-my-fingers-my-stomach-did-a-sort-of-flip-and-I-found-it-hard-to-breath."
Bilbo blinked as he peeled apart the rapid fire words, "Oh! Right!" Taking a deep breath, he stared at the statue he could see at the end of the path, "Fíli, do dwarves have lessons about what should go on when you claim your Ones?" At the confused look, he grumbled under his breath, and then sighed, "Should have known, Dwalin only mentioned courting. What you felt was probably lust. Tell me I don't have to explain lust to you."
"Erm, no, I have heard of the theory. Why would I feel that when Bofur licked my finger though?"
"Oh, Yavanna..., what have I done to have to have this talk?" Bilbo let go of Fíli's hand, ignoring the hurt sound the blonde released. "Right. I am assuming that despite courting rules you have kissed, held hands, hugged?" The dwarf beside him nodded. "Don't have to cover that then. Good. Right now, I am going to tell you what I was told, and I really hope you can make it so it fits your race, as my brain is not liking this situation." Fíli nodded again, and Bilbo ploughed on, diverting his gaze from what he realised was the statue of a naked female. "Right, then, as the responsible adult, it is my job to talk about this, and while it may be embarrassing, I suppose you need to know these things. When you are attracted to someone, your body sends you signs, these can be anything from blushing, to a feeling of a fluttery stomach, to sweaty palms, and since you are male, an erection. As you mature, I suspect you will try masturbation before you try having sex. Masturbation is the idea of gaining sexual pleasure from yourself, while sex tends to be sharing that pleasure with others. When you start to experiment with others, you will probably go no further than kissing for the first few times, however, this is not all there is. When you engage in sexual intercourse with another, there are the mechanics to consider, and the thought of a child if it is a female you fall for. Now, I know you will have some questions, so I suggest you read one of the many books available on the subject," Bilbo drew a deep breath, and wondered why it was so hard to simply talk about something so every day. "While I understand dwarves aren't like hobbits, does that help at all Fíli?"
Fíli felt that he could out colour a tomato at the moment and what little Bilbo said made sense to him, but, "Where on earth do you get books on these things?"
"Oh, Yavanna." Bilbo rubbed his face. "I'll get one from the library here for you, can we say this talk is finished now?"
Fíli laughed loudly, suddenly relieved he had been acting normally in Bilbo's mind anyway. "Yes, please, and thank you."
"Don't mention it. No, really, Fíli, don't mention it. Yavanna have mercy, when I find that book, read it all, and make the others do so as well."
"Thanks, Uncle Bilbo," Fíli ran back to the Company, determined to blame his flush on the running he was now doing.
Left alone in the dark, Bilbo groaned in embarrassment, "Well, now I feel like an ass for all the questions I asked Dad." Huffing, he pushed to his feet and made his way to the library, once there he managed to skilfully skirt the ever present guardian, and made short work of finding the volume he wanted. Hopefully, the dwarves reading this would mean he would get no more questions. Forcing his blush down as he walked the quiet corridors back to the Company, Bilbo sighed as he realised he still hadn't given Dwalin his courting gift. He would have to correct that tonight.
Fíli was easy for him to find, especially considering the blonde was curled in a chair peering out into the gardens. Smiling softly, Bilbo ruffled his hair and dropped the book into his lap, before flopping across Dwalin's lap and buried his head in the warrior's chest. He found that Fíli's questions, despite being embarrassing, had focused his mind on why he had been so determined to join the company of dwarves in the first place. Dwalin's fingers through his hair were soothing, and he found himself nearly dozing as he watched Fíli with hazy eyes. The colours the lad was turning were amusing, and had drawn Kíli's attention. Yawning Bilbo snuggled closer to Dwalin and shut his eyes, determined not to move until Dwalin was ready to head to sleep.
Thorin's outburst at Gandalf put paid to that though, and Bilbo jolted awake just as a furious, "My business is my own, as is my history!" echoed through the rooms.
Bilbo looked at Dwalin and brushed a kiss to his lips as he stood, "No, you stay here, I think it is time I had a talk with Thorin anyway. That guilt and grief he is carrying cannot be good for anyone."
Surprisingly Dwalin listened, as did the rest of the Company, Bifur and Nori even going as far as to comfort the wizard. Bilbo slipped into the dark gardens, wondering just why Mahal would allow his own children to be hurt in such a manner. Thorin was surprisingly easy to find, and Bilbo sighed softly, before moving to join the dwarf at the edge of one of the fish ponds in the gardens of Rivendell. Deciding it was up to the dwarf to speak, he merely stared into the water, trailing his fingers and letting the fish suck at them. The night was soothing, and if it weren't for the obviously broken king-in-exile seated beside him, perfectly relaxing.
"Why did you follow me, Master Hobbit?"
Bilbo blinked at the soft tone of voice, he'd expected the other male to rail at him. "Someone had to make sure you weren't going to destroy stuff."
Thorin had expected direct honesty or a pry into his past, and so the flippant reply startled a laugh from him. "I keep underestimating you, Master Hobbit," he admitted, "I would have expected you to demand an explanation from me. You seem to have discovered more about my Company's past than even I know."
"Ah, but Master Oakenshield, I merely asked, and they told me. Apparently they are convinced that I, a simple hobbit from the Shire, will actually be able to protect them."
"The difference between those who have promised them that before and yourself, Master Hobbit, is that I believe, as do they, that you will put yourself between them and any danger they face. By Mordor, you had Dwalin convinced before we even left your home."
"Master Oakenshield," Bilbo felt old, and chewed his lip a moment. "I meant everything I have said to them. No one has the right to hurt a child, and I will give them my protection, for what little good it will do. Even if it just gives them peace of mind. I would die for Dwalin, I would kill for him, and having travelled as much as you have, you will know that for a hobbit, that is no easy vow. Fíli, Kíli, and Ori are dear to me, Fi and Ki even call me uncle, asked if they could call me uncle. If I could go back in time, I would gut every person who raised a hand to them, I would destroy those who denied them food or shelter, who made them afraid. I cannot however, all I can do is be there for them, as damaged as I am. When I lost my parents, I thought my ability to love had died with them, yet a company of dwarrows has brought that ability back tenfold."
Thorin allowed the silence to settle as he thought over the words of the male seated beside him. Even their own kin would never admit to such a thing, and the confession that he would kill for those Thorin held dear, settled the realisation he had been trying to deny. Finally decided, Thorin started to talk, "I was an arrogant sod when I was growing up, Master Hobbit, still am most days, but back them it was an arrogance stemming from pride and vanity. I was heir to a throne, good looking, and skilled with a blade. I was a fool. I had gone hunting alone one day, right up to the bows of the Greenwood, belief in my own immortality undiminished. I found myself under attack, and despite my best attempts, was injured badly. They turned from me before I was dead, and I can remember hearing someone begging me to hold on, through the pain, I thought I was dreaming, and so when I came to in my own bed, chest and right leg bandaged, I pushed it from my mind. I was resigned to bed rest for several weeks, banned from contact with my siblings or my friends, it was when I was defying my mother's orders that I overheard them talking about the injured elf who had brought me back. It was the first blow on my ego, and fractured my pride. If the elf was still injured, then I had put someone else in danger from my stupidity. When I demanded to see my rescuer, my Mother relented, and I was shown into a private healing room, even though I was exhausted and my right leg was on fire, I found myself standing tall as I thanked her for my very life, and begged her forgiveness for having placed her in such danger due to my stupidity, of course she didn't respond, as she was unconscious. I returned every day while I healed, yet it wasn't until two weeks after my return to normal duties that she finally awoke. I walked into the room one day to find her sitting up in the bed, and frowning at a healer who was refusing to open the curtains. Ignored by both of them, I returned the favour and opened the curtains, letting in the light from several crystals set up to allow the healing wing natural light. The she elf relaxed and the healer turned to shout at me. Deciding after everything she had endured for me I could stand it, I let the healer finish, and politely showed him the door. She laughed at my apologies, and informed me that I owed her no life debt or thanks, as those who had attacked me had been following her. It wasn't until several weeks of conversations and as she was mounting a horse to leave us, that I realised I didn't know her name. Vanya, I retreated to the library, and searched until I found the scrolls on Sindarin, she was literally named beautiful, and it was fitting. With hair of an almost blue-shaded black, skin of the darkest mahogany, and eyes of onyx, she was more beautiful than any Dwarrow-dam I had ever met."
Thorin felt tears on his cheeks and wiped them away. "She stayed close to the mountain, and I became friends with her. She taught me how to track, how to hunt, and how to live without the riches I was used to. I feared telling her that I had fallen for her, she wasn't my One, but I knew I loved her. Three years after I met her, those who had brought us together were finally tracked down by their kin. She told me how she had been kept a slave to one of the kings of the human realms of the south, and I swore they would never hurt her again, even when she tried to disgust me by showing me the grey scars on her skin, I swore I wouldn't leave her. They came one night when she was giving me a lesson in star craft, their blades were coated in poison, and I fought like a beast possessed, yet it wasn't enough. I was knocked unconscious when they realised they would need to remove me to get to her, even a dwarven skull couldn't protect me against a stone from a sling-shot. If I had been any other race, it would have killed me, I remember waking and tearing into them with my bare hands. I was too late, and I broke my word to her, yet even as I held her, she named me shield-brother with her dying breath. It took our guards two weeks to find me, and they only did because I had gathered the dead of those who attacked her and burnt them. I was sunburnt and delirious from dehydration, as I had built her a cairn with the stones around the area, carved her a memorial, and then kept the traditional weeks watch of my people." Thorin swallowed, and drew a necklace from under his tunic, "I still carry this with me, the only gift I have received from an outsider that I have cared for. She made it for me, and even Dwalin and Dis do not know whom I received it from."
Bilbo jumped when Thorin stood suddenly, "Thank you, Master Hobbit. It is strange, for years I have jealously guarded her memory, but with you, I find myself happy that someone will know of her even if I die."
Bilbo stood also, and was careful not to make mention of the tears still staining the dwarf's cheeks. "I will honour her memory if you will allow me to, Master Oakenshield." He gripped the dwarf's forearm, "And though you may not believe me, the fact she named you shield-brother, tells me she did not believe you broke faith."
Thorin left with a nod, and spent the remainder of the night wandering the pathways of the gardens, the stars overhead reminding him of Vanya and her lessons. The hobbit was an odd one, and he believed his shield-sister would have adored him, maybe that was truly why he was determined to keep the younger male at arm's length, and yet he had shared her with the hobbit. Told of their past. Perhaps he had a second shield-brother. Far above, a brilliant star caught his eye, and he smiled softly at it, the carved glass leaf at his neck falling from his fingers. "Vanya, forgive me."
Bilbo had slowly sat back down by the pond when Thorin had left. He was conflicted by the information Thorin had shared with him. This Vanya sounded like a brilliant person, and he wondered just why the king-in-exile had chosen him above his dwarven kin to share her memory with. Before he figured that out, he had a promise to keep. Forcing himself to stand, he made his way to the walled garden where the Rose of Sharyn bloomed. When he had enough, he created a wreath of the blooms, careless of the thorns that tore at his skin, carving a smooth bit of willow bark with the name he had been given and a Shire blessing for those who had been torn from them in his own language. Once done, he made his way back to the pond and set the wreath to float on the surface of the water.
The Company were surprised when Bilbo returned alone and with a soft smile. Dwalin was sleep on the couch, and they watched with wide eyes as Bilbo covered him with a blanket before seating himself by Óin. The healer nodded, and shoved a book into Bilbo's arms. No matter how carefully the Company listened, the only words they heard were Óin's "That star there? That is the star of remembrance, Bilbo."
AN: Okay, that ended up being depressing. I do apologise. Please feel free to leave me a review.
Tat-I don't know if this is an English or local word so they are similar to white elephant/boot sales.
