Chapter 43

I've heard this quote once:

A broken heart is like having broken ribs. No one can see it but it hurts everytime you breathe.

I never believed in it. The thought that someone could be in so much agony that not even breathing could put you at ease sounded unimaginable. Until it happened to me…

When my mother died.

And now.

"In love with me?" I mutter under my breath, soft enough for my ears only. The phrase tastes sour on my tongue.

"It was my greatest mistake. The worst of all things I've done and I would regret it, I would if I didn't give me you. Since it did, I can only regret my actions that furthered my own agenda. The rest I won't because I'd never know what I'd feel for you." I feel warm flesh on my temple then brush over my hair, catching a wayward strand to put it back in place behind my clear. The warmth then travels to my chin where he tilts my chin to meet his eyes. "Understand me when I say, I would do my whole twenty-seven years over again. Go through the losses, grief and agony because that path led me to you. Every day I've spent away from you I've caught myself wondering if you could ever forgive me. I tormented myself with the thought that I'd never touch you again, hear your voice. Yet, out of all those same days, I haven't, for not one second, questioned if I'd do it all over again." His gray eyes hold a flicker of pride before it is drowned with remorse. "Hurting you was never the plan."

"So then tell me. What was the plan, Christian? What was so important to you that was worth destroying me? Us! Make me understand!"

I have to hear it from him.

Christian's eyes flash around the space to see if anyone was drawn into the booming of my voice. There must have been because I'm shoved further out of sight with him right on my tail.

Once satisfied with our new location, he clambers to find his voice. Finally, the words he's looking for settle in with a sigh, "You walked into my office. I was caught off guard because you looked so much like her."

The reason he did all of this.

"Your sister."

"Yes, Mia." He runs his tongue along his lips. "When I saw your scars, the memory of her death came spiraling back and so did my promise to her. The promise I made to myself and the reason why I wanted to be a psychologist. For so long I couldn't sleep and I'd dream about what could've lead her down that dark path. I became so angry with hate that I too I succumbed to my own dark path. Luckily, before I was too far gone I met Elena. She and I, before you and I ever met, made a deal to find someone who self-harms and observe them."

"Elena? She's on this too?"

The way his knuckles wring up and the murderous expression slathered on his face tells me three things.

One, Elena was his partner in this.

Two, she had purposely left herself out of the narrative to avoid blowback.

And three, with them in this together, her keenness to expose Christian and their plan, along with this reaction from him means they aren't on the same page. There's something I am missing. Something big.

"So that's all I was to you? A subject for you to use as you please?"

"No." He drops his head, the weight of his own guilt probably pulling it down. His voice remorseful as he speaks, "At first, no, it was more clinical than that. My plan was to get you to confide in me, share your secrets and thoughts. It was never meant to go any further than that."

"So not only did you decide to treat me like a ginny pig, fatten me up with lies and feed me false affirmations. But you also got a good fuck out of it too."

He shakes his head fiercely. "Jesus, no, it wasn't like that. It was never like that."

He's trying to remain strong, but his strength is winding down, the last of it in his eyes, a small glimmer of silver attempts to shine through. Yet there is no denying that he is on the brink of being completely destroyed.

Perhaps that's how I looked.

Christian rubs his hand over his face before he grates, "This isn't how I wanted to tell you. None of this is coming out right."

"Maybe because none of it is right at all. It's all fuck up. You're fucked up."

He reads my disgust through my words, my face, my isolated touch, the shaking of my body. In response, he winces, the inability to reach out and console me obviously killing him.

"Please, let me get out the truth. All of it, regardless of how ugly, at least it will be accurate, not the sentiment of someone else. Let me tell you how it was."

Against better judgment, and the racing thoughts that screamed of disapproval, I give a nod of my acquiescence.

"After you left my office, I made a choice. I went to Elena and told her about you and your condition. She saw an opportunity like I did. We were of one mind in the beginning stages but when things weren't going fast enough, when she wasn't getting the results she desired, conflict happened and differences on how to execute the plan arose. I wanted you to think of me as a confidant, she thought seducing you into the notion of a BDSM relationship where I push your boundaries of pain, using pain to banish the pain of your past and replace with pleasure; inhibit a deeper level of trust and provide answers my way could never."

A wave of nausea ripples through me at the thought of Elena knowing my secret and being the one to propose our sexual relationship. Is she the reason why the contract was originally drawn up? Is Christian the reason why it fell through?

"Despite better judgment, I listened to her. I gathered information she wanted...and at one point in time, what I wanted, but during all of that, I cared more about the strong, ambitious woman that was growing before me and not the one I knew was of the past. You're not her anymore."

"No, I'm not."

"I know, and I saw that. Elena didn't. She kept pushing and pushing. Trying to get me to cross lines I wasn't comfortable going crossing." He expels a breath. "You have to understand. She's consumed by greed, this information she wants, information she thinks you can provide is all she cares about. If you got hurt because of our actions, it furthered her research. You breaking beyond repair was the ultimate prize. And when I realized that..." His eyes flare with speckles of defiance. "I put an end to it."

Those final words are like lightning striking a tree. They hang in the air as if smoke from the aftermath of the impact. In seconds, I burn up, the intensity of his words have sunk in. What does he want from me? Is he expecting a fucking medal because he put a stop to the absurdity?

He takes the silence on my end as an opportunity to continue. "The night I went for a run, I went to see my brother. I risked telling him everything so I could get an impartial opinion. He told me to cut ties with you, naturally. That my career and your future wasn't worth tainting in spite of how I felt for you. After some thought, I went to Elena's. Called it off. I meant to come clean when I came back from the conference in New York. But then you said you needed space and I never got the chance," he pauses briefly, moving his gaze over my face. "And the time apart, not telling you has been killing me—"

I cut him off. "It's been killing you?" I laugh but it's empty.

I break from the wall and start to pace. This is when the torrent of tears would begin to cloud my eyes but there is too much anger. I had given him everything. All that is left is the hate burning inside me which has dried up the tears that he doesn't deserve anyway.

His stare burns me. "It won't mean much and you have no reason to trust me when I say it, but there has not been a day since I've met you where I didn't treasure having you in my life. Please, understand. All I have ever wanted is to protect you. Ana, I'm more sorry than I can put into words."

Christian, in the short months I've known him has never been so animated, so passionate. Spoken with so much love in his voice.

Though the overwhelming fact remains. If he wanted to protect me he should've never come to the café. Our last encounter should've begun and ended in his office.

Deciding I've heard enough, I tilt my chin and ease my labored breathing to make certain there is no mistaking my next words.

"You want my forgiveness. I can tell you you'll never have it. You do, despite how painful, have my understanding. I understand why you choose your sister over me. You did what you thought was right. Still, what you did, it's unforgivable. And for that, I can't be with you."

I brush past him and head back to the exit—

His hand settles on my shoulder. It's like ice.

"Don't!" I swat the hand away. Just let me go. He owes me a lot more, but for now, I'll take that. "Don't come after me. Don't call me. Put me out of your mind because I'll be doing the same."

"Just talk to me. Give me another chance to—"

"No. No more chances. No more secrets. We are done."

Every feeling I felt for Christian has combined into a tumor on my heart. At one time, separating myself from whom I once thought was the love of my life was unimaginable. Now, I yearn to be free of it. Down to the last speck of emotion.

"Please." Ever heard a voice so desperate, it was terrifying? I hadn't before. Now I have. "God, I'm sorry. I love you… Doesn't that count for anything?"

I grit my teeth and fill my voice with malice as I say, "It could've, but you ruined any chance of that."

"And your promise?" he slings the question at me, curling his fingers into a fist, straightens them to then wring them back, "You promised you wouldn't run."

It was only a matter a time before he threw that back at me. Honestly, I prepared myself for it and because of that, I don't feel the crushing guilt. "Since the truth you made me believe was a lie, my obligation to honor my promise feels like a moot point, don't you think?"

Of course, the question was rhetorical.

He already knows the answer.

His capitulation is signed off with his resigned demeanor. Taking a risk, he draws me in by the back of my neck and kisses my crown. He steps back and before the acid spreads around my eyes—tears—a cue of my broken heart, I turn around and speed out of the private area we had been hiding in to the lobby. I cup my face from the view of guests, although there's no mistaking my frazzled exit.

Passing the coat room, I stop.

I can't go home. Not yet.

Sure, I got Christian and Elena's two cents yet that's all it was...their word. I still don't know where the truth begins and the lies end. I needed unbiased, clean facts.

Irrefutable proof.

And there is only one place I can get access to them.

With the attendants distracted, flirting with each other off to the side, I glance over the check-in list, scaling my finger down until I spot Christian's signature and the number paired with his coat.

Quickly, I slip into the small closet. The coats are arranged numerically so it takes all but a couple seconds to find his and dig through the pockets for his key ring which holds the one I want—the one to his office. In one try, I pluck the key off the ring and tuck the entire set back in his pocket.

Craning my head out I notice the lobby remains clear so I drop the key in my bag and casually step out of the room. As I head for the exit, my eyes glance backward to ensure I'm not being followed. A surprised gasp propels past my lips at the intrusive sound of a familiar dulcetly rich voice.

"Ana, is that you?"

Plastering a smile on my lips, I trill, "Mr. Gallagher, hi."

The dean of my college and the father of my former boss approaches and I force myself to look at him. When he settles into my space, he inspects me in an appreciative way that omits any sense of feeling ogled. He lingers on my face. The redness of my cheeks and eyes certainly throwing him off yet he doesn't address it.

Instead, he asks, "What on Earth are you doing here?" He flashes a dimpled grin. "You know what? Never mind that. The family would love to see you. I know Kalum would too. He tries to be tight-lipped about it, though, that boy is as easy to read as a children's book." He offers his arm to me. "Shall we?"

"I'm sorry, I would but I really have to go." He feigns disappointment and gazes at me as if discerning what had transpired moments ago and has caused my uncharacteristic behavior.

"It was lovely seeing you again, Mr. Gallagher. Tell everyone I said hello and happy holidays." I say, hoping that when I dash out the door, he takes my words as sincere and let me disappear off his radar…as well as Christian's.