So I'm back after yet another long, un-announced hiatus. Yay! Super sorry guys. I had about a quarter of this chapter done ahead of time and thought I was on schedule. Then other things happened and I got off-track.

It is my entire fault and I take all the blame. It's summer now so that should mean faster updates (hopefully). I guess we'll just have to wait and find out, won't we.

Alright, that's enough blabbering. On to the next chapter.


Total Drama © Fresh TV Inc. & Teletoon


Total Drama Redemption

Day Fifty One (51)

Today seemed like it was going to be a wonderful day. I could hear the birds chirping, the chipmunks running and the flies buzzing. It felt chillier than usual.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Gwen shouted.

Ah yes, I could also hear the other campers cursing. Just another normal day.

"How did we get here?" I heard Duncan ask. And that was when I knew something was up.

I opened my eyes. For the second time in two days, we had fallen asleep in our cabins and had woken up in a strange place. This time, we were in the middle of the forest.

"Chris?" Gwen asked confusedly.

"Sweet." Geoff said.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!"

Was that Chef? On the ladder of a helicopter?

"HOW YOU GOT HERE IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN!" The big brute snarled into a megaphone.

He dropped down to the ground and flashed a 'thumbs up' to the chopper, which promptly left.

"What happened to Chris?" Gwen asked.

"None of your gosh darn business what happened to Chris! I'm in charge now, and I'm going to make you were never born." He said in a dark and sinister tone (so no change from his usual voice).

"Oh. I'm already wishing it. Believe me." Gwen said. Such a Goth thing to say.

"Your mission is to find your way out of the forest… or die trying!" Woop! This sounds promising.

"I wanted to split you bozos into teams first, but I changed my mind." The grumpy cook pulled out four duffel bags and tossed one to each of us.

"Everything you need is in these bags. You will navigate your way north to base camp. The first person to tag the camp totem pole wins invincibility."

"And here's a tip." He continued. "Better set up camp before sundown, because once nightfall hits, you won't even see your trembling hand with your terrified face." So scary! Much wow.

"Unless you got night-vision goggles." He pulled up said goggles. "But you don't" He laughed an eerie laugh.

"Oh please, please don't leave us here!" Duncan said, getting down on his knees and tugging Chef's shirt. "I'm begging you! We won't survive!"

"Grab a hold of your gut, soldier!" Chef said, pushing the punk off of him.

"Dude, aren't there, like, grizzlies in woods?" Geoff asked fearfully.

"Oh I wouldn't worry about that. You wish you saw a grizzly once you meet up with old Sasquatchinakwa. He's one mean mamma-jamma!" Uh... not sure how to react to that.

At this point, the helicopter dropped back down and Chef climbed the rope-ladder.

"CHIN UP, TROOPS! TRY NOT TO DIE!" He said as he as being flown away. Wow. Great advice there, Master Chief. I'll try my best to follow it.

"Fuck you too, Chef!" Gwen yelled at him, he either couldn't hear her or pretended like he couldn't hear her.

"We're doomed." I said.

"Come on guys, let's go!" Duncan said. Grabbing Geoff and I, he raced into the woods, dragging us behind him.

"What... the... fudge...? Where... are... we going?" I managed to gasp out after a while.

"Alright. I think this is far enough." Duncan said as we sputtered to a stop.

"We're screwed, dude!" Geoff said.

"Calm your tits. This is no time to panic."

"Are you kidding me? This is the perfect time to panic!"

"We'll be out of the woods in no time thanks to these babies." He showed us his night-vision goggles. They were the same ones that he had stolen from Chef just a little while back while pretending to be scared.

"I knew you were up to something when you were begging Chef for mercy." I said.

"What can I say? I'm a hardened criminal. With these babies, I can see as clear as day."

"Nice!" Geoff said.

"You've only got one condition."

"And what would that be?" I asked.

"If I get you back to camp, you'll agree to give me ten percent of your winnings."

It took a moment for me to let that sink in.

"Ten percent?" Geoff asked. "You want ten percent?"

"Did I st-st-stutter?" Came the reply.

"But that's like, fifteen-thousand dollars, man!"

"No. It's ten-thousand dollars, Geoff." I said, correcting him.

"Whatever, man. Math isn't my strong suit, okay?"

"What is?" I asked.

"Partying! Duh!"

"Of course. How did I not realize that?"

"Look, my point is that it's a lot of money."

"So let me get this straight." I said. "You'll get me back to camp and you want me to agree to give you ten percent of the prize money in return?"

"That's right." Duncan said. "Think over it. Take your time."

10% was no joke. But those night goggles could sure come in handy.

"Hmmm… fine. Deal." I said, extending my hand. Duncan shook it. I still didn't trust him fully after the shit he had pulled with Tyler, but what choice did I have? At least now, I would have company on my trek.

"I too agree, my good man." Geoff said.

We shook on it, and then we were on our way. We had walked for a couple minutes before Geoff spoke.

"Shouldn't we, like, check to check out all the stuff we got?" The party-boy asked.

"Good idea." Duncan said.

I emptied my duffel bag. Out came a map, some chocolate bars, and some juice cartons.

"A compass! Sweet!" Geoff said, holding up the directional locater. He had also gotten a big bag of trail mix.

"I've got some bug spray and some frickin C-rations." Duncan said.

We walked some more. Our adventure took us to a rocky hillock. Heaven knows where Gwen was right now or what she was doing.

"So do you guys buy that stuff that Chef said?" Geoff asked as the three of us were scaling to the top.

"About what?" Duncan asked.

"You know, that Sasquatchinakwasaurus or something."

"You mean Sasquatchinakwa?" I asked.

"Yeah. That."

"Hey. Didn't Eva have to fight that thing back in some challenge?" Duncan asked. "I seem to remember Chris having mentioned it before."

"She did." I said. "Although we've never actually seen its face."

Things were quiet from then onwards.

We had miraculously reached the summit and I was out of breath.

"Wait a minute." Duncan said. "This map shows the rocky hillock behind our starting point. Are you sure you're reading that compass correctly, Geoff."

"Of course I am, bro. 'S' stands for 'straight ahead', right?"

"…"

No it doesn't, Geoff. No it doesn't.

"S means South, you dumbass! Well isn't that great? Now we're behind!" Duncan said irately.

Pro tip: Never give a compass to a blond.

"I thought we had to go straight!" Geoff said.

"It's okay, guys. We can still fix this." The punk said.

"We can?" Geoff asked.

"We're gonna have to jump off into the river."

Geoff took one look at the river below and started squirming.

"Maybe there's an alternative?" He asked.

"You're in luck, Geoff old pal! There is." Duncan said.

"There is?"

"Yep. Me pushing you in."

After uttering those words, Duncan proceeded to do just that. Geoff hardly had time to retaliate before he was flung face-first into the river. The punk jumped in after him.

"The things I do for friendship." I said before jumping in myself.

It was me who came up with the brilliant and revolutionary idea that we could ride the river along its path. The other two accepted. We had gained some easy ground quickly and made up for lost time. Enough time, in fact, that we decided to break for a while.

"Aw man! There are peanuts in these!" I moaned, looking at the cover of my chocolate bar. "Is there any chocolate out there that doesn't contain peanuts!?" It seemed as if all of the ones one the island had the little devils.

"Trade ya." Duncan said.

Now I was no fan of C-rations, but at least I wasn't allergic to them. I took the tin can from Mr. Mohawk, grabbed a spoon and ate, cursing Chef under my breath the whole time.

It didn't taste good, but it wasn't awful and not as bad as Chef's cooking, so I ate.

Geoff gave me the remainder of his trail mix in exchange for two candy bars.

"I only like the M&Ms anyway." He said.

I was sipping and slurping on my apple juice carton. Evening had hit and we were still a ways from camp.

The darkness didn't matter to us thanks to the night vision goggles that Duncan had so graciously offered to share with us. Geoff was fiddling around with said goggles right now.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggh!" Screaming. Screaming that could be distinctly categorized as Gwen's screaming.

Turning to look where the noise was coming from, I could make out the figure of Gwen riding on a large beast. This 'large beast' was none other than the Sasquatchinakwa which Chef Hatchet had talked about. This was not looking good here.

In other words, "oh shit!"

The three of us hightailed it and took off. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, fearing what that creature would do to me if it caught me. There was chaos and confusion.

Suddenly, everything went dark. In all of our frenzy, We had run into a cave. It was pitch black.

"This isn't good, man." I heard Geoff's voice say.

"Why not?" Gwen asked.

Things weren't so pitch black anymore. I could make out pairs of glowing red eyes. Lots of them. Something just didn't feel right about this.

"Because where there's a cave, there are also..." He gulped. "Bats!"

Out they came, with their screeching and flapping. It was a horde of them.

Then the running and screaming started once again.

"I'm Batman!" Geoff yelled as we all ran helter-skelter.

Bats were bad news. Those creatures could give people rabies! One little bite is all it takes. Fearing what would happen should one nip me, I zoomed away.

When I thought I had finally gotten enough distance between myself and the bats, I was gasping and panting for breath.

There was only one difference: This time, we didn't all end up together. Damnit! Where' were the other fuckwits?

I had gotten separated from the rest of the group.

Well, shit! Wasn't that terrific?

I was all alone, in the night, with no equipment, in Wawanakwa Forest. That was just fine and dandy.

Everything's gonna be okay. It's gonna be Okizam.

You keep telling yourself that.

Shut up brain.

My duffel bag was nowhere in sight. It must have gotten misplaced in all the commotion and pandemonium.

So, I see how it is. Just a man and his wits.

I tried to recall everything that I had ever read about getting out of a forest. Wilderness Survival 101. Unfortunately, I hadn't read much on the topic. I knew how to make a fire and most of that other basic stuff, but none of that was useful now.

Truth be told, to learn about foraging and navigation, one had to actually go out and do those things. It was more of a practical, hands-on thing than a theoretical one.

I am Jack's complete lack of directional sense.

I hadn't even the slightest clue as to my whereabouts. Where am I? No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't recognize this portion of the woods.

I have never been this deep into the woods before. This was just like when I got lost in the supermarket when I was seven years old, except on a much grander scale. The feeling was surreal.

For the first time in a long while, I was actually lost. Funny. I didn't feel lost when I woke up in the middle of the woods.

If I was alone in the daytime, I could have at least used the location of the sun to determine the cardinal directions.

The moon was out now and I could have sworn on my life that I heard wolves howling somewhere off in the distance. There was a distinct chillness in the air. The same chillness that I had felt in the morning.

Was that a bear roaring?

Every little sound, no matter how slight, caused me to perk up.

I had a newfound respect for all those other people on reality shows. Bear Grylls had to do this every day of his life. All those people on "Survivor" or "Endurance".

And all I did was sit back and make smart comments and witticisms. Quippage motherfuckers!

Only after being stranded in the fucking woods did I get a taste of my own medicine.

I didn't know which way to go, so I just picked a direction. My biggest dread was that I would somehow end up where I had first started.

There was just one thought in my head the whole time.

How the fuck was I going to get out?

Calm down, Noah. You're gonna get out. These woods aren't that big.

What would I do if I ran into Sasquatchinakwa right now?

... Yeah. As if I didn't have enough problems on my hands already.

I have no idea where the hell I'm going. I don't know what I should do. I don't know what I could do, except run. Run home.

And so I did just that. I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more.

At long last, I had reached a clearing.

This was familiar territory! Finally! I knew I had made it out.

By this point, I was walking really slowly because my legs hurt so much, but I was happy to be so close to camp that I broke into a light jog, and then a sprint.

I was running home. Running to base camp. Running to the cabins. Running to freedom.

I could make it out in the distance. It was big brown, wooden and slender. The totem pole!

I felt like I had run a marathon. My body would have been drenched with sweat if it weren't for the cold temperature outside.

It was at that point in time that I saw something that made me both happy and sad at the same time. How was that even possible?

It was the other three contestants. Geoff, Gwen and Duncan had all been waiting for me along with Chef.

"Finally! You're here." Chef Hatchet said. "Now we can start the spitfire ceremony or whatever the hell Chris calls it."

No one really bothered to correct him. We were all too tuckered out.

The moon shone bright and the fire burned brighter as we sat down on the tree stumps in the campfire pit.

"Wait a minute." Gwen said. "We didn't vote!"

"Silence minion!" Chef said. He cleared his throat, as if readying himself for a big speech.

...

Uh oh.

"This was supposed to be my day!" He started. "I had it all planned. I was gonna drink some soda, wear a comfy sweater-vest, and finish reading a secret diary, and clean my toenails."

Shit! Was he talking about...?

"That reminds me. You need to sharpen these." Chef said, tossing Duncan's (now blunt) knife back to him.

Yep. He was definitely talking about our stuff. Our private stuff. You monster!

"Then I was going to eat the rest of Geoff's snack stash." He said with a wicked grin. "BUT YOU ALL RUINED IT!"

"So, here's your invinci-darn-bility!" Chef tossed Duncan something else this time. It was a marshmallow. So Duncan made it out first!

Shit. Chef told us how to get immunity. He never told us how we would be eliminated. I assumed it was gonna be a vote as usual, but I assumed wrong.

"You two!" Chef pointed to Gwen and Geoff, then tossed a marshmallow in each of their mouths.

"Choke on these, suckers!"

"And as for you!" He pointed at me. "You're finished!"

And just like that... I was gone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. This was it. I guess I had made one snarky comment too many. Of course, Duncan was still number one on Chef's hit-list, but the bad boy had won himself immunity and a place in the semifinals.

I, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky

I still didn't know the exact reason for getting booted off, but I knew Chef didn't like me that much. We had gotten off to a bad start, and it had all gone downhill from there.

There wasn't much to like about him anyway. Only person that loved him was Owen. Fucking Owen!

"Left, left, left, right, left!" Chef said as I marched down the Dock of Shame. "Come on, soldier! Do I bear a striking resemblance to somebody who's got all day!?"

I was now at the opposite end of the 'goodbye' spectrum.

"GG, bro." Duncan said. "No hard feelings, right?"

"None whatsoever." I said, gritting my teeth. There was still some bad blood between us.

"You were a good contestant, Noah. And a good friend." Gwen said. "Well played."

"Shoot man. I feel so empty inside now." Geoff said. "I'm gonna miss you man."

After we had said our short goodbyes, I boarded the Boat of Losers. My time on The Island had come to an end.

Well, I never really liked the place anyway, so there's that. Sour grapes excuse.

I had been eliminated. Out in the final four. The quarterfinals. This was the first bonfire ceremony that I hadn't received a marshmallow in. And my last. It was all over for me.

I was in the waters now.

I don't know whether it was the exhaustion of my body, my grief over being eliminated, the calmness of the waves, or a combination of the three, but I felt really tired.

So I curled myself into a nice little ball in the Boat of Losers and drifted off to dreamland.


You thought Noah was gonna win the whole thing, didn't you readers?

Betcha didn't see that one coming. In all honesty though, how many of you think that Noah could have realistically made it out of the forest first. I mean we're talking about a guy who will do anything humanely possible to avoid excercise and the outdoors.

Could he have won the challenge? Yes. Did he have a good chance of doing so? I don't think so.

So Noah is gone, but this story is far from over. Okay, it's pretty close to being complete, but it's not over yet! There's still a couple more chapters. Please keep reading even though Noah isn't in it! I urge you to. Pretty please?

Don't you wanna find out who wins and stuff?

Also, sorry about the long wait again. Next chapter should be up later this month. If not, then you have permission to call me as many indecent things as you like.

I will C U L8R.

Semifinalists: Gwen, Geoff, Duncan,