Charlie: Merry Christmas~


Chapter 49
'Twas the Night

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

"Are you quite done?" Charlie asked poking his head out from under the rift generator. By one of the bookshelves, Kevin snapped a large bound book shut and glared down at the innkeeper.

"I'm just saying Charlie, it's close to the winter holidays. Do you REALLY have to ruin Christmas for everyone?"

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Oh please, if I have my way, we'll all be sitting down to dry turkey and overcooked ham by Christmas Eve. Now quit your whining and give me some power."

Kevin put away his book of Christmas poems and took out a yellow bound thunder tome. He glanced over warily at Charlie who was lying under the power generator.

"Are you SURE you want me to power it while you're under the machine? I know you think you're invincible, but there are somethings not even you can survive."

"Yes yes yes, your concern for me is touching. Now just crank it." Charlie said impatiently

"Alright..." Kevin said. He opened the tome and began chanting. Once the incantations were finished, the librarian released a burst of magical energy from his body. Moments later, a bolt of lightning appeared out of nowhere and struck the power source of the rift generator. The machine crackled to life with streaks of blue static running across the exposed metal surfaces.

Soon it became apparent that not all was right. The machine was too loud, too unstable. There was too much smoke for things to be working properly.

Underneath the generator, Charlie briefly regretted his decision to stay beneath the machine... then the world went dark.


Death looked upon the prone... spirit body of the poor excuse of a man before him. This is already the second time in less than a week that Charlie has been in his office. Sadly, the powers that be forbids Death from taking the man's soul yet. While this meant less paperwork for him, it also unfortunately meant that Death was now working Christmas Eve, a time that could much better be spent attempting to sleep with his secretary. Once every century or so she gets drunk enough to actually let him.

Sighing, Death strapped his scythe to his back and kicked the man on the ground. With a loud groan, Charlie rolled over and promptly vomited on Death's shoes.

"That is disgusting." Death said calmly, using his unholy magic to turn the disgusting goop into unicorn sparkles. "Seriously, must you throw up on me every time we do this?"

"Must we do this?" Charlie grumbled, struggling to his feet. "Can't you just kill me and get it over with?"

"Yeah..." Death said. "There isn't a single God in ANY universe that you haven't pissed off. So guess every time you have an incident that would normally kill a man, you get to spend the day with me until you have a revelation."

"So what, you don't have anything better to do anyways." Charlie said. "I mean, what else would you be doing? Getting rejected by your secretary while getting pissed?"

"Oh shut up." Death said. "You know, they actually were talking about letting you die this time."

"Really?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, Jesus was having a shitfit with Elimine over you violating dimensional lines." Death said.

"So why am I still not dead?"

"Because," Death said. "Elimine saved her people by vaporizing monsters. Jesus saved his people by dying. Not much of a contest there."

"I'm touched Elimine would fight for my life." Charlie said.

"Don't be." Death said. "Instead of killing you, Jesus requested that I show you how much better the world would be if you never existed. He's probably hoping your revelation will involve your suicide... or at least a deep depression that stops you from fucking with his realm. Either way, I'm sure you'll enjoy this."

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Oh please, like the world would be a better place without me."

Death opened a portal. "Why don't we find out?"

The snow crunched beneath his rather solid boots, but Charlie could not feel the coldness of the air around him. Beside him, Death was in his customary black robes with scythe. They were in Silent Springs. Charlie took a look around, nothing seems different.

"It looks like my not existing really didn't make the world that much better." Charlie said.

"I bet you you're wrong." Death replied. "Come on, let's check the inn. As usual, nobody can see or hear us."

"Yeah yeah." Charlie said. "By the way, if I don't exist, who's running the inn?"

To answer his question, a stunningly beautiful girl emerged from the front doors of the inn to open the shutters of the windows. She was tall, with silky black hair that hung to her waist and a pair of bright eyes that pierced into Charlie's soul.

"Meet Corrine. The child your parents had instead of you." Death said. "You don't exist. Your parents went on to have a daughter. As you can see, she is beautiful, kind, and not a douchebag."

"Thanks." Charlie said. "I don't know how that makes the world a better place."

The girl at the front door finished opening the shutters. She walked to the front steps of the inn, turned and smiled brilliantly. The moment she smiled, the gloomy clouds above parted to allow the brilliant sunlight to shine on the town square. The girl held out her hand and several songbirds perched themselves on her delicate fingers.

"And THAT is how she makes the world a better place." Death said. "But that's probably not all. Remember, you don't exist. So this is theoretically a world in which Corrine existed instead of you."

Death grabbed Charlie's cloak and teleported the two out of the town square. The sudden teleportation disoriented Charlie for a second. When he came to, he found himself standing in a dark, gloomy looking warehouse.

"Where are we?" Charlie asked.

"I have no idea really." Death said. "I just take you to places. Jesus is the one calling the shots right now. But if I have to bet my money, it looks like a... workshop or factory of sorts."

"Right." Charlie said.

Just then, the main door to the warehouse opened, and a lone figure walked in. Charlie squinted and saw Kiyoko walking towards him, shivering in the cold.

"Ha! It's Kiyoko. I bet you without me, she's been working as some poor sweat shop laborer slaving to earn enough money for pocky."

"Uh huh." Death said skeptically. "We'll see about that."

Kiyoko, not seeing either specter, walked past where Charlie and Death were standing. She pulled her cloak tighter around her as she entered into the darkest parts of the warehouse. Charlie and Death followed her closely.

"Hello?" Kiyoko called. "Daddy?"

"...Daddy?" Charlie asked.

"Oh right." Death said. "Yeah, because you never existed, nobody ever kidnapped her father into an alternate dimension."

"I bet he's a slave too." Charlie said confidently.

Ahead of the two, Kiyoko ascended a couple of stairs. Charlie could see at the top, a small square of light coming from a tiny window.

"Daddy!" Kiyoko yelled. "Come on! Mom says it's time to come home for dinner. Corrine, Alan and everyone is coming over! We're all waiting for you!"

"HO HO HO!" A loud booming voice Charlie recognized as Robert Edward Lee's rang out. A door at the top of the stairs opened, letting out a beam of light. In the door way stood a tall man wearing a bright red suit with white fur trim. "MERRY CHRISTMAS DARLING!"

"Daddy..." Kiyoko giggled as her father swept her up in a giant hug. "Come on, it's time to go home."

"But the children!" Robert Lee said. "I have gifts to deliver!"

"...He's SANTA CLAUS?" Charlie asked incredulously. "Robert Lee, the youngest man ever to attain the rank of General in the Ostian Army... is freaking SANTA CLAUS?"

"Not quite." Death said. "You see, the day you kidnapped Robert Lee was the day he learned that he had inherited his father's toy factory. Robert Lee took that toy factory and expanded it into a toy empire. Every Christmas, he, his wife and his daughter not only make millions of gold selling toys, but also donate over 100,000 gifts to various charities across Lycia. Robert Lee makes it a point to dress up as Santa Claus and personally deliver the toys."

"...oh Joy." Charlie muttered. "I'm glad to know I basically killed Santa Claus."

"Oh, I'm sure it gets worse." Death said. "Come, let's go see the Lee Family Christmas dinner, which is attended by none other than Corrine."

Another flash, and Charlie found himself standing in Kiyoko's house. Except instead of the cold, pocky filled, warehouse esque structure that the old Kiyoko in his world kept, this house was different. It was warm, decorated, and filled with the smells and sounds of Christmas. A large table in the dining room held several placings and had a beautiful looking Turkey standing in the middle. Mrs. Lee hustled around the house, making sure everything was perfect.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Mrs. Lee...and Charlie and Death... turned their heads to see Corrine and Alan entering the house. Alan took off his coat and then helped Corrine with hers. Mrs. Lee dropped what she was doing and quickly ran over to the girl.

"Corrine! Alan!" Mrs. Lee exclaimed pulling the two teens into a giant hug. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas Mrs. Lee." Corrine said, smiling brightly. Charlie could practically see the daisies and rainbows materializing at the girl's smile.

"Oh stop calling me that." Mrs. Lee said. "After your parents died, I promised I would raise you as my own. Now you call me mum or there will be no turkey for you."

"...well, I see my parents are still dead." Charlie muttered. "I see that hasn't changed."

"Yeah... well..."

"They were good people." Mrs Lee continued. "They will always be honored as our nation's greatest heroes after they sacrificed their lives in order to stop the evil sorcerer Nergal."

"Oh you have GOT to be kidding me." Charlie groaned.

"It's always at this time I miss them the most." Corrine said. She held on to Mrs Lee as Alan patted her comfortingly on the back. "They always made Christmas good at our house."

"That they did." Mrs Lee said, tearing up. "I'm sure they would be proud that their daughter grew up to be such a fine woman."

"Oh..." Corrine said, blushing. "Don't say that. Look at your own daughter! She's a year younger than me and she already owns her own snack food empire."

Charlie nearly fell over.

"Oh, that daughter of mine." Mrs Lee said laughing. "Just like her father. Though I have to say, it's kind of nice not having to have to buy pocky for her anymore now that she owns all rights to it."

"Kiyoko OWNS the company that produces pocky?" Charlie asked incredulously.

"Looks like it." Death said.

"Haha, that is true." Corrine said. She and Alan followed Mrs Lee into the house. Alan was carrying a large sack. When they entered the living room, Alan set the sack down and began pulling packages out of it.

"Though I have to say," Corrine continued. "It's much harder to shop for that girl now."

Charlie facepalmed as the happy family shared another laugh.

"This is getting very depressing." Charlie said. "I mean look at the ground! Flowers freaking sprout from that girl's footsteps."

Death looked down and saw that indeed, patches of beautiful blue roses sprang from the wooden floor in line of small footprint patterns.

"Well, how about that." Death said. "Now let's make life a bit worse for you shall we?"

He tapped his scythe and time began to speed up. Charlie watched in fast forward as Kiyoko and Robert returned home and the family sat down to a family dinner. After Robert finished carving the bird, Death tapped his scythe again and things resumed at a normal speed.

"So what now?" Charlie asked. "You're going to torture me by making me hungry?"

"Not quite." Death said. "There's one person here whose story you haven't seen yet."

"Who?" Charlie asked. He looked at the family eating and chatting happily. "Alan?"

"Yep." Death said. "Now hush."

For a while, the family just ate and talked. Suddenly, Alan took his fork and tapped it on his glass.

"Uhm, excuse me. I have something to say." Alan called out.

The room fell quiet, but Charlie could swear that Mrs. Lee gave Alan a small wink.

"As you all know, I've been studying medicine at the University of Ostia for the past four years, and I wanted this to be a surprise, but I've taken some extra classes over the past few semesters... and I managed to graduate early. I just took my last final a week back and I was invited to head a team of surgeons to establish a clinic up in Silent Springs."

"Oh my gosh!" The room exploded in cheers and applause. "Congratulations!"

Alan smiled and waved at everyone for quiet.

"Thank you. I couldn't have done any of this without your support over the past few years." Alan said. "As the pieces of my life slowly fall into place, I find myself missing one very important piece to the puzzle of my future."

Alan turned to Corrine. "Corrine, over the past few years, you've supported me through everything, from academic stumbles to emotional lows. I couldn't have accomplished anything without you. You are the guiding light in my life, and I could not imagine spending my life with anyone else..."

Corrine teared up and Kiyoko gasped as Alan fell to his knees and opened a small case containing quite possible the largest diamond ring Charlie has ever seen in his life.

"Corrine Raistzenburg... will you do me the honor of being my wife?"

Corrine fell into tears. Unable to articulate her answer, she merely nodded and held out her hands. Alan slid the ring onto her fourth finger, then stood up and faced his new fiance. Corrine immediately jumped onto the man and pressed her lips to his in a passionate kiss as the Lee's applauded loudly.

"...You know... at least Kiyoko's not married." Charlie said.

"You had to say it didn't you?" Death said, smiling.

"What? Oh... no... no... no no no no no... it can't be..." Charlie said fearfully.

Just then, a knock came at the door. The family exchanged confused looks.

"Who could that be?" Mrs Lee asked.

"I'll check!" Kiyoko said as she stood up and bounded over to the door.

Charlie heard her gasp when the door opened. He looked over and saw Kiyoko staring up at a stunningly handsome man with long black hair that was covered in powdered snow. He held a bouquet of flowers and smiled brilliantly at Kiyoko.

"Yuri!" Kiyoko exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Well..." The man said. "I was swamped with paperwork... but then I decided that spending Christmas alone was just not fun."

He swept Kiyoko into a massive hug.

"Besides, I didn't want to be without my wife on the holidays."

Kiyoko squealed and kissed him hard. Charlie put a hand on the door frame, bent over, and promptly threw up.

"There there." Death said, patting the man on the back. "Look on the bright side, at least they seem happy."

"There has to be SOMEBODY miserable now that I don't exist." Charlie croaked as he wiped his mouth with Death's robe. "What about Kevin? I was pretty much the only guy who visited his library on a regular basis."

"Well..." Death said. He opened a portal and pushed Charlie through.

Through the portal, Charlie found himself at the Royal Ostian Archives in the capital city, home to the largest library in the world. With a feeling of dread in his stomach, he looked up at the building to see a statue of Kevin in front of the stairs. Beneath the statue, a shiny bronze plaque with the words "Head Archivist" gleamed in the sunlight.

"Really? REALLY?" Charlie asked. "I don't exist and he's becomes the first head archivist they actually build a statue for?"

"Yep." Death said. "Shall we see more?"

"Do I have a choice?"

Death grabbed Charlie's cloak. "Nope!"

Another flash and Charlie found himself standing among very formally dressed people standing before an empty throne room.

"Where are we?" Charlie asked.

"You'll see." Death said.

Before Charlie could respond, a booming voice rang through the room.

"Presenting Kini Isabel Victoire Regina Kuestoicz von Juurgens, High Priestess of Elimine, Grand Magister of the Order of Archsages, Queen of Etruria."

"WHAT?" Charlie yelled as the room burst into applause. "HOW THE HELL IS SHE QUEEN? HOW IS MY EXISTENCE AT ALL RELATED TO HER BECOMING SUBJECT ZERO?"

"Well, apparently your existence threw off the balance of good and evil in the world which caused the massive meltdown in her parent's experiment." Death explained.

"And how is she queen?" Charlie asked. "Isn't she like... 40th in line?"

"She's 45th actually." Death said. "The King died, and all those in line refused the crown because Kini discovered a spell that actually solved world hunger."

"So who's the King Consort? Don't Etrurian queens have to have a King Consort to take the throne?"

A purple haired man wearing regal robes emerged from the wings to stand next to Kini. She smiled warmly at him and took his hands as the two greeted their subjects.

"Erk." Charlie said. "Erk of all people is the King Consort to the Queen of Etruria."

"Yes." Death said. "Since your parents killed Nergal, Erk never was drafted into Eliwood's army. He finished his assignment and went back to Etruria where he assisted Queen Kini I in developing her world hunger solving spell."

"So..." Charlie said. "How's Eliwood doing?"

"I'm glad you asked." Death said.

Another flash and Charlie found himself standing in the courtyard at Castle Pherae. He watched as a very buff and shirtless Eliwood leaped through the air and sliced a hundred leaf petals in two.

"Oh dear god, Eliwood's not useless." Charlie said.

"Good work son!"

Charlie turned to see an elder, red haired man applauding Eliwood's handiwork. Eliwood smiled at him.

"Thank you father."

"I think that's enough for today. Go, your wife is calling you."

"Is EVERYONE married?" Charlie asked as he and Death followed Eliwood into the castle.

"Apparently so." Death said simply.

Eliwood took a few turns and went up a flight of stairs. At the top, he entered a large room where inside, Jessica, dressed in an elegant gown stood waiting for Eliwood.

"As much as I enjoy your physique..." Jessica said, blushing. "Put on a shirt please. It's hard to concentrate."

Eliwood smiled devilishly and stalked towards his wife. "Then why fight your urges?"

"Get me out of here." Charlie said, turning to Death. "Now."

A flash and Charlie found himself staring at Hector holding a bundle.

"Ahh, my son." Hector said. "Remember, you will grow up big and become a fierce warrior just like your father. Then you will seduce Eliwood's daughter."

"...this seems wrong." Charlie said.

"Yep, Hector was always worried that he would have a daughter who would get seduced by Eliwood's son... which by the way happens in your world." Death said.

"And here?"

"Well..." Death said. "We were just observing the conception of Eliwood's daughter... and now you see Hector's son. You do the math."

"You know, you REALLY suck at being a guardian angel." Charlie said. "Isn't this supposed to inspire me to want to live?"

"No." Death said. "It really isn't... and what do you expect from me? I am the Angel of DEATH after all."

"Let's just go." Charlie said. "What next?"

Death opened a portal. "You'll see."

Charlie emerged from the portal to what looks like a sound stage for a movie.

"What the..." Charlie said. He turned to Death. "Are we in the other world?"

"Yes." Death said. "December 21st, 2010. We are at the Warner Brothers Studios."

"You're a genius!" A voice rang out. Charlie and Death turned to see two people walk out from a small side door.

"Of course I am." One of the men said. "I am James Cameron. Of course it would make sense that Pandora gets bombarded by Earth's orbital forces. The Na'vi really never stood a chance."

"Yeah, I mean, the use of such outdated technology to. I mean five years in cryosleep? With modern space displacement rift generators, you could literally get across the entire galaxy in a matter of seconds."

"Yes." The one called Michael Bay said. "I wanted to show a human race that hadn't achieved advanced spaceflight technology until say... a few hundred years from today? Speaking of across the galaxy, isn't your great grandson stationed on a Star Destroyer near the Orion sector?"

"Yeah." The other man said. "But he'll take a shuttle back for Christmas. Times sure have changed. I remember back in 1910 when we still had cars that drove on the ground and ran on gasoline. The F-22 was one of the most advanced warplanes in existence."

"Hey, don't look down on the past too much." Michael Bay said. "Look, I got a original Christmas Card drawn by Adolf Hitler himself. I tell you, that man was a master artist who totally didn't hate Jews in any way, shape or form. Imagine if someone came along and screwed up his art school applications?"

"I can't even imagine such a world." The other man said. "Oh, by the way, Mary bought you that game your son wanted."

"Ahh yes, Fire Emblem 28. You know, ever since President George Lucas banned shitty remakes, it's amazing how awesome and refreshing each new game is. There's so much innovation and effort put behind telling a good story in video games."

"Let's not forget, Blizzard is releasing World of Warcraft 4, just 3 months after their last release. It's so good that they are so quick to release such high quality products with no delays or pushbacks whatsoever."

"Oh yes, and did you hear? The other day, Sarah Palin won a Nobel Prize in Chemistry for developing the cure to cancer and aids. It's a good thing her upbringing wasn't screwed up in anyway to the point where she believed dinosaurs existed with humans at the same time."

"Ahh yes, the world is truly an amazing place. Did you hear? They finally arrested Stephanie Meyer for publishing sparkling vampires."

"Why did they take so long?"

"Because most people are smart enough to realize it's a piece of shit and nobody really read it. They only arrested her because she tried to sell gay vampire makeup kits.'"

"Ahh, she got greedy. Just couldn't live with having nobody like her books because everyone see it for what it really is, a shitty, shallow, self-insert wannabe smut fanfiction."

Charlie stared at Death.

"No. No. This is a joke. This HAS to be a joke. THERE IS NO WAY THOSE TOPICS WOULD ALL BE BROUGHT UP IN THE SAME DAMN CONVERSATION WITH THE SAME ALLUSION TO MY ACTIONS IN THE OTHERWORLD THAT COULD POSSIBLY SCREW THIS UP. NO. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE."

Death shrugged. "You take it for how it is."

"Oh come on." Charlie said. "It's not fair. It's not POSSIBLE. I mean REALLY? ALL THIS just because I don't exist? Come on."

"Hey, Jesus is never wrong." Death said.

"There has to be SOMEONE." Charlie said. He looked up at Death. "You."

"Me?"

"Yes," Charlie said. "You. Let's face it, if it weren't for me, you would not be getting paid your awesome Christmas salary and would be instead spending your time alone, miserable, drunk and with an imprint of a hand on your cheek."

"Hmm, I suppose we could look at what my ...death would become if you never existed." Death said. He grabbed Charlie's robes and teleported them again.

"Hello? Yes, 'sup God, my man. Yeah, I got the Meyer case for you. Oh, I'll be sure to get that to you by tomorrow. Alright man, see you on the flipside. Yo what up' this is Death. Hey Elimine, baby, what's happenin? The Raistzenburgs? Oh of course. Yes, I hear their daughter is getting married. Oh of course I can arrange for them to go down and see the ceremony. You know it babe. Hey, you coming to my Christmas party tonight? It's gonna be OFF THE HOOK. ALRIGHT! See you there."

"Oh... fuck...me." Charlie said.

"I..." Death stuttered. "I... ..I..."

"Yeah, don't be too out of words." Charlie said. "I mean, you're still-"

"Death! Baby!" A hot girl appeared out of nowhere and threw herself at Death.

"...Oh of course your Secretary is here." Charlie said, throwing his hands up in defeat.

"What up my little sex puppet? Did you miss daddy already?"

"Oh you know I did." The scantly clad girl said. "I need it so bad... and I've been a good girl this year too."

"Oh, then Santa's got a rather... LARGE present for you this year."

The girl squealed and jumped on Death. "Hey baby...let's just spend your entire vacation week naked. Do you want to have a threesome with Elimine?"

Charlie didn't get a chance to tell Death to make the images stop. He soon found Death's scythe placed alarmingly close to his neck.

"You." Death growled. "YOUR EXISTENCE IS THE BANE OF ALL UNIVERSES."

"Whoa there." Charlie said, trying to back away. "Let's not get hasty now. I mean, your life is awesome now right?"

"It's been three...HUNDRED years."

"Oh... … ..." Charlie swallowed hard. "Uhh, I'm sure that's not as bad as it sounds."

Death raised his scythe. "It's worse. You clearly contribute NOTHING to the people you love in your world. Your existence has poisoned OTHER PEOPLE'S WORLDS. AND BECAUSE OF YOU I'M NOT GETTING LAID ALL THE TIME. WHAT POSSIBLE REVELATION COULD YOU HAVE? I DON'T CARE WHAT THE POWERS THAT BE SAY, I'M ENDING YOU RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME A GOOD REVELATION ABOUT WHY YOU ARE VALUABLE."

Charlie flailed around for an excuse, but try as he might, he could not. The sights he have seen today depressed him beyond all belief. Maybe it was better if he never existed...

...Then his eye caught a scrap of newspaper stuck to Death's robe.

Marie Calenders going out of business.

Wait... what?

"Wait! What is this?"

Death looked temporarily confused, a moment Charlie seized to escape his scythe and grab the scrap of newspaper.

"With Earth's population all eating sensibly and healthily, Marie Calenders was forced to close. 'The people of the world just aren't eating pies anymore.' Marie said. 'There just was never someone awesome enough to champion how wonderful pies are.'"

"A world with no pie... THAT'S IT!" Charlie exclaimed. He held up the scrap of newspaper. "THIS IS WHY I'M VALUABLE!"

"What?" Death exclaimed. "What are you smoking?"

"NO, DON'T YOU SEE?" Charlie yelled, delirious in his discovery. "The world, both ours and theirs may be more... advanced. Kiyoko may be married to the world's most wonderful man. My parents may be heroes. Eliwood may be useful. My female counterpart may have unicorn blood and everything nice running through her veins. AIDS and cancer may not exist. BUT THE WORLDS ARE NOT TRULY HAPPY. THEY ARE EMPTY WORLDS FOR THEY LACK THE FACTOR OF AWESOME THAT I BRING. AND IN THEIR LACK OF AWESOME, EARTH HAS LOST IT'S ONE TRUE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS...PIE! I AM VALUABLE BECAUSE I BRING AN AWESOME FACTOR. I AM VALUABLE... BECAUSE WITHOUT ME, THERE IS NO PIE!"

"...No... fuck you! NO!" Death screamed. But it was no use. Elimine's song was sung and his scythe could no longer harm a man destined to live. The amorous scene before him faded. No longer was he making love to his beautiful secretary.

Charlie stood before him, bathed in the light of enlightenment.

With a curse to the heavens, Death raised his hands... and granted the man his life.


Charlie... Charlie... CHARLIE!

"WHA!"

"Whoa... Charlie." Kini said, putting a damp cloth on his forehead. "Are you alright? We found you sprawled in the snow near the library...or what's left of the library."

"Kevin..." Charlie croaked.

"He's fine." Another voice said. Charlie looked over to see Jessica bringing over another bucket of water. "What happened?"

"Freak accident." Charlie said. He laid back into the sheets and smiled. All was well.

"By the way..." Jessica said. "Weren't you visiting a sick aunt?"

Oh...right.

"Oh, yes, but I had to come give you all your Christmas present first." Charlie said.

"Oh?" Jessica asked. "What'd you get us?"

Charlie pulled out a staff from under the bed and activated it. "A trip to Australia."

With a mighty kick, he sent Jessica through the newly opened portal.

When the portal closed, he reached beneath his bed and pulled out a beautifully wrapped box and handed it to Kini.

"Merry Christmas Kini."

Kini looked fearfully at the box for a while before Charlie's encouraging smile broke her down. She tore open the wrapping to find... a huge bag of jalapeno flavored potato chips.

"Merry Christmas to you too Charlie."

Charlie leaned back into his bed and relished the feeling of being alive.

"...and to all a good night indeed."

Slowly, with Kini's happy chewing in the background, Charlie allowed the sweet embrace of sleep take him to the land of dreams...

...and all was well.


Erk: ...

Charlie: It's A Wonderful Life taken to the extreme. I drew inspiration from the Nostalgia Critic.

Erk: ...that got REALLY silly at the end.

Charlie: It's supposed to.

So to all, Merry Christmas and Happy New Years

Charlie Wu, writing from Sydney, Australia (yes, I wrote this for all of you while on vacation. BE GRATEFUL DAMNIT!)