Okays, I got up early to do this (and finish off a debate about whether Texas IS in the south of America … turns out, Brazil and that is, Texas is in the southern states of America … not south America … it confused me too … didn't confuse my dad though, he was too happy being right, humph)

Y'all better thank me.

Wow, it's fourth July … so to all the American awesome readers … Happy Independence day (even though I have no idea what exactly you DOon independence day … maybe Obama will make a speech, I shall check later on YouTube! Yay to Obama and his awesome-ness!!)

Anyway! After the longest AN in history, there is actually a chapter … right down there ….. REVIEW!

ESPOV

Murder.

Kill.

Shoot.

Stab.

Drown.

Smother.

Hit repeatedly.

Burn.

Rip to shreds.

Strap to a firework.

Roast on a spit over a very hot flame.

Push of a cliff.

Beat to death.

Subject him to the wrath of Rosalie and Alice.

Sick Italy on him … possible.

I considered ways of killing him all day.

Sadly, he could not drown, I could not shoot him, or smother him, but I COULD strap him to a firework.

I COULD tell Rosalie and Alice that HE was the one who destroyed all their clothes … even though I knew full well it was Bella when she was attempting revenge.

How they didn't know it was her … I have NO idea.

He.

Broke.

My.

Blender.

He.

Will.

Die.

A.

Horrible.

Painful.

Death.

I had come to the conclusion that, since he had killed my blender, I was going to kill him.

In the living room, I hid behind the sofa, BB gun in hand.

(BB guns are those fake guns you see those little kids with, the ones that shoot out little plastic balls that HURT)

When Emmett walked down the stairs I hid further behind the sofa and laughed silently as he looked around in confusion.

"Oh, hey mom!" he said, waving at me from across the room.

I mentally cursed my hiding place, punching a hole in the back of the sofa.

Aw damn.

Yay! I can buy a new sofa!

I jumped up, holding the gun at eye level.

"Muhahahahaha! Die, die, die!" I screamed and he ducked for cover behind the TV.

I still shot at him, the little plastic balls bouncing of the TV screen.

"Heeeelllpppp! My mommy's murdering meee!" he screamed, and Jasper appeared in the doorway, and Emmett grinned in relief, thinking his brother would help him.

Oh, how wrong he was.

"Jazzy-Pantsss! Help! The crazed woman is murdering meeee!" Emmett screamed, ducking as I aimed a shot at his head.

"Huh? I see no crazed woman!" Jasper said, pulling another BB gun out from behind his back.

Realisation crossed Emmett's face and then he started to cry.

"Whadid I EVER do to you Jazzy?!"

"Huh? You broke the blender and blamed me, which didn't work, cuz I was out WITH Esme the whole time, you always blame me for everything, I am normally the unwilling and unknowing subject of your stupid pranks, you ruined my stuff, you burnt my books back in '89 … want me to carry on?" Jasper said, counting on his fingers everything Emmett had done over the years.

"Oh come on! Those were jokes! HELP! DADDY! MOMMY IS MIND-KILLING ME! WITH BB GUNS! DAAAAADDDYYYY!" He screamed and Carlisle walked down the stairs and laughed.

"You rang?"

"Help me; the rabid brother and crazed mother are shooting me!!!!!" Emmett begged.

"Huh? Meh no see no-body" Carlisle said, walking out of the door smoothly.

"OKAY … OKAY! I'M SORRY!" Emmett yelled.

"CAPTAIN MCJAZZ! HOLD FIRE!" I yelled, eying Emmett suspiciously.

Jasper stopped shooting at once, and I grinned.

"Buy me a new blender" I said, chucking some notes at Emmett.

He caught them, grinned goofily, and skipped out of the door.

(Is goofily even a WORD? Well, it is now :D)

I sighed.

"Well … I think that was a job well done" Jasper said and I nodded.

"NOW GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM!"

"But mom ..." He protested and I glared at him, sending him backtracking

"No. NOW."

"Aye aye SIR! I mean MOM!" He said, saluting me and running off up the stairs.

I sat down on the couch and picked up my magazine.

"JASPER! Clean up in here too! And make me a cup of tea!" I said and I heard him sigh.

"YOU DON'T DRINK!"

"BUT I WANT ONEEEE!" I whined and he sighed.

"Yes, oh dear mother of mine."

Em POV

Ohhh, shiny thiiings!

I WANT ONE!

La dee da da la dee daa, I thought as I skipped across the parking lot too …

AWESOME STRANGE DERRANGED APPLE!

Being killed by your mom really does take the energy outa ya you know ….

OK! That's it for this chapter!

And if you don't know what Awesome Strange Deranged Apple is by NOW, then I suggest you go back and re-read this whole random fic!

See what kind of crazy dementated stuff Emmett gets up to next chapter!

Anyways, little pumpkin-snakles REVIEW!

(Snakles, pronounced, Snake-els)