CHAPTER 51 - anxiety

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS and Holiday wishes. Hope you all had a wonderful day with more to come! Let the festivities continue! I'll answer any questions in an upcoming chapter, just too busy and too much fun right now that all I can manage is to write during the quiet times.

Immortal Akasha : Had to do one special note to you. Thank you so much. You feed the muse and inspire the writer.

Just a little fun at the beginning that I couldn't resist cause the rest of the chapter is very angsty. Next one will be Christmas Day for our Hogwarts bunch with a big bittersweet surprise, one for Harry and one for Draco.

Apologies to Major Henry Livingston Jr. or Clement Clarke Moore or whoever it was that wrote it. 'Twas the Night Before Christmas" (my version Harry Potter style written on Christmas Eve just before I went to sleep)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the holiday escape

Not a creature was stirring, not even a snape;

The angst was hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that it soon would no longer be there;

The witches and wizards were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of new spells danced in their heads;

And Draco in his silver robe, and I, Harry in my black robe,

Had just settled down to sleep, not together though,

When out in the snow there arose such a clatter,

we sprang from our beds to see what was the matter.

Away to the window we flew like a firebolt,

Fought each other to open the shutters and give them a jolt.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,

But a man dressed in black carrying eight butterbeers,

"Now, Hermione! now, Ron! now, Draco and Harry!

On, Remus! on Minerva! on, Dumbledore and Hagrid!

To the living room now! Quickly don't tarry!

His eyes -- how they glared! his complexion how pale!

His temper at times was like the worst gale!

Instead of friend he was usually a foe. His long hair was a colour the opposite of snow.

He was thin and sallow, the master of potions,

and even though he had a heart he had trouble showing emotions A sympathetic look in his eye and a pat on the back,

Was the most one could expect from the usually foul tempered brat;

'He's mine', snarled Draco, I growled back, 'let's be fair',

he pulled out his wand in protest, I shouted 'let's share!'

Snape snarled, laying a hand on the top of our hair,

'Stop fighting, it's for both of you that I care!'

He hugged us both, bringing tears to our eyes,

'We're a team' he said, 'there will be no good byes.'

He sent us to our rooms so we would no longer fight, And growled, "HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH, NOW BE QUIET SO I CAN HAVE A PEACEFUL GOOD NIGHT!"

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As the evening wore on the beautiful tree slowly lit up with thousands of lights, illuminating the ornaments they had all hung.

Hagrid came out of the kitchens with a dinner feast that rivaled the best house elves and Loki danced around his heels begging for scraps. Draco's stomach growled at the wonderful smells but despite the potion, his stomach still felt unsettled from the oatmeal he had eaten.

Snape insisted he go lie down for awhile and get some sleep. He didn't want to go but since he had caused such a scene earlier he decided not to protest. He was still angry with Snape for having played with the golden trio and for having written Potter a letter. Reluctantly he went and lay down. All the anxiety of the last few weeks flooded back to him. He tried to calm himself, his breath coming in short shallow gasps.

Snape came into the room with a cup of tea. Seeing that Draco was distressed, he sat down on the chair beside him and placed the tea on his nightstand. Draco turned away from him feeling angry yet also embarrassed. Snape still hadn't said anything to him after his outburst.

"I know you are very upset and you have every right to be. Your life has turned up side down, you are sick, hurt, confused. You need to talk to me Draco or any one of us. You aren't alone, you know that."

His only response was a short shaky intake of breath.

"Here drink some tea, it will make you feel calmer and sleepy." Came Snape's voice softly

He held the tea out in front of him. Draco sat up and took it, sipping at the warm liquid slowly. The grey blue eyes looked at Snape resentfully, "Wouldn't you rather be out there feasting with Potter?"

Snape's eyes narrowed with worry. "Are you ever going to get over this incessant jealousy of Potter? Is that all that your outburst earlier was about? You were jealous because I got into a snowball fight with him?"

Draco didn't respond, staring fixedly at his tea instead.

Snape growled angrily. "Wasn't my almost dying trying to keep you safe enough for you!"

Draco's eyes snapped open. Guilt washed over him. He didn't know what to say, how to explain the myriad of emotions he was feeling. A wall of despair crept up his throat.

Snape's patience with the boy snapped and he got up without a backward glance and left the room.

He almost bowled over Minerva on his way back to the living room. "Severus what's wrong, is Malfoy all right?"

"Sometimes I could strangle him, he's impossible!" He growled and stalked past her.

Minerva sighed. She knew how much Severus cared for the boy but he had always been short on patience and understanding. He was getting better but he still had a ways to go.

She quietly opened the door and found Draco sitting with his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them tightly and his head down. His breaths came in short shallow pants as he coughed in between.

She went over to him and without a word wrapped her arm around his shoulder.

"Calm down, Mr. Malfoy, you'll make yourself sick. You know Professor Snape can be a bit grumpy sometimes. You mustn't take it to heart when he's impatient. You are never going to get better if you get yourself so upset." She patted his shoulder. "I promise tomorrow everything will be better."

With a shaky breath his head came up. There was pain in his eyes and she realized it wasn't just from whatever had happened with Severus.

"Is your chest hurting?" She looked at him with utmost concern in her eyes.

He nodded not trusting his voice.

She patted his shoulder. "I'll be right back."

"Not Snape." He pleaded and coughed again.

She looked at him reproachfully. "He cares deeply about you, you aren't being fair."

His head fell back to his knees.

"I'll get the headmaster."

Those horrible shooting pains tore through his chest again and it hurt to breathe. He was glad that Dumbledore was coming.

They came back within a few minutes.

"Draco, dear boy, could you lie down please." Came Dumbledore's voice.

Once again he used the ancient spell to radiate warmth and pain relief deep into Draco's chest. The boy pale and upset, closed his eyes. The tea Snape had given him finally put him to sleep.

"Severus needs to have a serious discussion with him, he won't be able to get better if he keeps all this anxiety wrapped up inside of him. He has no idea how to deal with it." Dumbledore commented.

"Do you think Severus is the right person to help him do it?" Minerva asked with a raised brow.

"If he can't we will need to find a way. I have not been able to really reach him. Have you had better luck?"

"He hasn't volunteered anything but I think he's starting to realize I will help him." Minerva responded quietly looking at his white face. "I'm hoping our gift tomorrow will ease his worries a bit but it won't erase everything that has happened to him."

"Only time, lots of love and support will help him deal with that."

"Albus, Potter is hurting too, after last Christmas and Sirius' death he needs us also."

"I know but I believe tomorrow might help release some of the those pent up emotions. It is the best thing we can give him. We can't bring Sirius back but perhaps it will bring him a little peace."

"I hope so, the poor boy needs to be as strong as possible to combat everything that Voldemort can throw at him."

"We will make sure that he is." Dumbledore assured her.

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Back in the living room, Christmas songs blared from the magical music box Dumbledore had brought. The meal had ended and slowly everyone started to say good night and turn in. Harry's spirits had been high, Hermione, Ron, Lupin and Hagrid had kept him laughing and distracted, but as silence from their chatter quieted, and when 'Silent Night' came on the music box, Harry's heart ached.

He went over to a darkened part of the room and looked out of the window. It was a beautiful evening as snow softly fell, his heart dropped as the words "Sleep in heavenly peace" softly washed over him. He relived that horrible moment when Sirius went through the veil. He put his forehead to the window, tightness welling up in his throat threatening to choke him. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to grasp at happy memories. He silently wished him a Happy Christmas and told him how much he missed him and wished he were here joining in all the fun.

He felt a hand on his back and turned slowly to look into Snape's sympathetic dark eyes. Without a word, Snape pulled him close. His head resting on top of his. "Black would want you to be enjoy this Christmas and I'm sure his spirit is here with you as are the spirits of your parents."

Harry stayed still for a moment listening to his words. He realized in some strange way Snape helped fill the space that Sirius left. Like with Sirius there was a connection with his parents or at least his mother.

After patting him on the back, Snape pulled back and took the star and letter Lily had given him out of his pocket. "I want you to have these and take the words she wrote to heart, those we have loved and lost are always close."

The prickling behind his eyes started up again as he took the fragile lovely little star and his mother's letter. With a quick pat on his shoulder, Snape whirled and walked away again leaving Harry looking after him in wonder.

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"Severus may I have a word with you?" The headmaster asked after all the others had gone to bed.

Snape nodded.

"I am very worried about Draco. I have been thinking about everything that has happened to him in the last while. He's had one shock after another. Have you explained what happened when you went after Lucius?"

"Well I told him Lucius wasn't the one who almost killed me, that he was the one who likely gave me the stopper in death potion." Snape explained.

"If you consider that Lucius, the man he has been in awe off all his life and in whose footsteps he was brought up to follow, almost beat him to death and left him for all intent and purpose dying in the snow, he must feel some hatred, betrayal and a huge sense of loss. Yet that same man who he now hates yet he once loved and perhaps to some degree still does, suddenly unexpectedly turns around and saves your life." Dumbledore explained quietly. "Try to be patient and imagine a little what he is feeling. I think part of the problem he can't keep any food down is that he is so upset, traumatized by everything that has happened. Then the one person he relies on to be a support in his life, almost dies. Just when he needs you the most emotionally, he sees you interact favourably with Harry who he wrongfully of course, considers his worst enemy. I'm sorry Severus, that last part was my fault. I thought it would do you good but I hadn't considered Draco's feelings. When he woke up after finding out you were alive, he was feeling quite good but when he looked outside he became withdrawn and unresponsive."

Snape frowned. "I had thought of some of these things but what do I do to help him?"

"Just be there for him, he needs your help, he needs to talk. Reassure him that you love him. There is no greater gift Severus than love." With that last sentence Dumbledore stood up. He patted Snape on the head and went to his room.

Snape sat by the glow of the tree for a long time. Then got up and entered Draco's room. The blond teen was sleeping on his side. Snape reached down and hugged him gently. Draco's eyes opened sleepily, he was still drugged from the tea.

"I'm sorry I was so impatient with you before. Just know that I will help you through this and I love you."

Draco sighed some of his anxiety ebbing away as his eyes closed again.