Author's Note: So. School starts Monday. I'm a teacher. You do the math. Thanks for hanging in there with this story. As we're getting closer to the end, I hope you're still enjoying it. Reviews are always appreciated. Thanks IAmLoisLane for your beta skills and science nerdiness. And, to the 3 awesome people who had birthdays last week, this one's for you :)
"I'm curious," Scully said as she and Mulder stared at the Gunmen's contraption. "How exactly does this work?
"If you're compatible, it tells us," Langly answered simply.
"But how?" Scully pressed.
Frohike answered with a mysterious, "That's top secret."
"Plus we haven't applied for all the proper patents yet," Byers added sensibly.
"Okay. Cut the crap. All of you," Mulder instructed. "You know Scully's a scientist; give her the science. If there is any."
"Of course there's science," Frohike insisted. "Tell 'em, Goldilocks."
Langly sighed and folded his arms. "When the Love-O-Matic recognizes the physical signs of attraction, the needle in the center gauge tilts to the right. The more indicators, the further over it goes," he explained.
"What physical signs are we talking about here?" Mulder asked. This was starting to sound way more legitimate than he'd imagined. His heart raced.
"Elevated pulse," Langly answered. "Involuntary muscle twitches."
"Sweaty palms," Frohike offered.
"Not to mention various hormones and chemicals released in that palm perspiration," Byers added. "And when they're present, a proportional amount electrical current is sent to heat the ethyl alcohol in the glass tube."
Mulder glanced at Scully with raised eyebrows. Did she buy this? She replied with a shrug. She was undecided. Mulder smiled. He was still in if she was. She nodded. She was still in.
"Okay, boys, strap us in. But if we end up switching bodies or turning into some sort of weird fly people a la Jeff Goldblume then—"
"We call dibs on the case," Scully interjected in jest.
"You know, Scully, we could save some time and just elope now," Mulder joked.
"And put all these years I've spent denying that I'm 'Mrs. Spooky' to waste?"
The two FBI agents gazed at one another for a moment. They both knew they were in trouble if the Love-O-Matic actually worked because Mulder's joke was more of a disguised desire, and Scully had no problem if the answer to her question was 'yes.'
Frohike cleared his throat to get their attention. Mulder and Scully glanced over.
"When you're ready, just put your hands there," Byers said, indicating the black handprint outlines on the front surface of the gadget.
Mulder and Scully took one more look at each other then stepped up and stood next to each other on the metal plating. They reached out to place their hands—the ones closest to each other—on the machine as directed, but they each found their thumb on the wrong side.
"You have to face each other," Langly clarified.
Scully's eyelids fell closed in sync with Mulder's as they let out a united sigh. They reluctantly shuffled their feet so that they were standing face-to-face. Actually, it was more like face-to-chest, hers to his, but they were still pressed far too close to feel like friends. Unfortunately, there was simply no other option if they were going to fit on the metal floor and keep their hands correctly positioned. At least, that was how they both rationalized their quick acquiescence to the impossibly close contact.
Mulder could smell Scully's shampoo, even after it had been who knows how long since she'd been able to wash her hair. Or maybe that sweet-smelling scent was her own. He recognized when she glanced up at him because he could feel her breath tickle his neck, and he couldn't help but tilt his head down to meet her look. Mulder had to remind himself to inhale… then exhale. Had she always taken his breath away?
Scully stared into Mulder's eyes and wondered how embarrassed she would feel if she fainted due to nothing more than propinquity to her partner. She certainly felt light-headed enough to pass out, but blinked a few times and effectively regained her composure. It was preposterous to be so affected by him. Had they ever been this close?
Mulder not only wanted to kiss her, but earnestly considered it. He thought about it so seriously, in fact, that he regretfully concluded it would be unmanageable at this proximity; he wouldn't be able to crane his neck down enough to reach her lips. Maybe the Lone Gunmen would loan her a crate…
Byers, Frohike and Langly stood in a row, gawking at the pair.
"This is hotter than what's on those tapes Mulder doesn't let me borrow," Frohike commented.
Mulder and Scully were snapped back to reality by every angle of the innuendo; they both turned their heads to stare at Frohike, mouths agape.
"Can we get the show on the road?" Scully finally spoke up.
"Langly?" Byers asked with a nod toward the machine.
"Right, let me just get it powered up," Langly said as he walked around to stand behind the machine. He turned a few dials then flipped a switch. The gadget hummed with electricity.
"Are you sure this is safe?" Mulder asked.
Langly shrugged. "Relatively."
"It's safe," Byers assured them both.
"Okay," Frohike said as he walked up behind them. "You two just need to complete the circuit."
"See, now that sounds like we're going to get shocked," said Mulder.
"Someone in this room is going to be shocked, but not by electricity," Langly assured him with a glance toward Frohike then added, "We usually have the couple kiss."
Mulder squeezed his eyes shut. He knew Scully wasn't going to tolerate this much longer. She usually had a short fuse where the Gunmen were concerned. Then again, she was the one who'd told him to 'live a little.' He couldn't think of a better way to live it up than to lock lips with his lovely little lady of a partner.
"How do we complete the circuit, Byers?" asked Scully, trying to ignore whatever side argument Frohike and Langly had going on.
"You need a point of contact, that's all," Byers explained.
"Hands'll do just fine," Frohike interjected.
Scully met glances with Mulder once more. They could handle hands.
"Shall we?" Mulder held up his hand as if inviting her to dance.
Scully glimpsed down at the open hand he offered. She took a calming breath then put her palm against his. She slowly slipped her fingers between his much longer ones, and felt four balls of heat make solid contact with the back of her hand. His thumb reached the edge of her wrist, but he slid it back up along the edge of her thumb all the way to her nail… then back down again. His gesture of comfort in this awkward situation was also unintentionally seductive to Scully in a way that made her knees weak. Or was it her willpower?
Mulder watched Scully first consider then take his hand. He let out an anticipatory breath he hadn't been aware he'd been holding. She slid her small fingers between his knuckles, and he felt her cozy grip warm more than just his hand. As he touched her with entirely intentional intimacy, Mulder wondered if they were being slowly electrocuted by the Love-O-Matic or if the buzz of electricity was his own imagined explanation of the charge that had been slowly building between them for minutes. Or had it been years?
"Okay, you both ready?" Langly asked.
Mulder quirked an eyebrow up. Scully nodded back nearly imperceptibly.
"Hit us with your best shot," Mulder said.
Langly pressed a button and the machine hummed loudly.
"On second thought," Mulder amended, "maybe just aim for the leg."
"As I already said, it's perfectly—" Byers was cut off as the lights in the waiting room flickered.
"What the hell is happening?" Frohike asked, rushing over to Langly.
Mulder kept his eyes on Scully as she looked up at the fluorescents then turned to Langly and asked, "Should we-?"
"No. Stay right where you are," Langly instructed sharply.
"Breaking the circuit now wouldn't be advisable," Byers agreed.
"The gauge is already maxed out," Frohike observed.
"That can't be right," Byers said joining the group behind the Love-O-Matic. "It's never even been past the halfway mark."
"Mulder?" Scully asked, gripping his hand securely.
"Fellas…?"
"Just hang tight," Langly said. "Oh my God."
"What?" Mulder and Scully asked simultaneously.
"The Love-ometer," Byers said, indicating the glass tube.
"Love-ometer?" Scully questioned cynically.
"Patent pending," Frohike told her.
They all watched as the red liquid rose in the cylinder.
"What?" Mulder asked with concern as the guys all looked around at one another with what could have been interpreted as nothing short of panic spattering their faces.
"Um, well…" Byers hedged, "we actually assumed this part was nonfunctional."
"It's never worked before," Frohike added in awe as the liquid continued to expand upward.
"You calculated the projected volume, right?" Scully asked.
"Um…" Langly replied as the dyed-red alcohol neared the top of the conduit.
"Is there enough space for expansion?" Scully asked him.
"Questions later," Frohike shouted. "Right now, duck!"
No one argued. When they saw Frohike hit the ground, everyone else did the same. The Gunmen all went down in the fetal position. Mulder pulled his jacket up over Scully as they jumped from the machine and fell to the floor.
The fallout was minimal: a shower of glass shards and red liquid. When Langly crawled over and pulled the plug on the Love-O-Matic, the room settled into shocked silence. Byers and Frohike rolled onto their backs while Mulder slowly withdrew his suit coat shield and protective arm from atop Scully's back. He rolled over onto his side and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him with a seething scowl. She was the first one up and instantly headed for the Gunmen.
"Incoming, fellas," Mulder warned.
Frohike, Langly and Byers sat up sheepishly to find Scully above them, hands on hips and foot tapping. "I'm going to kick your asses."
"Even mine?" Byers asked hopefully.
"Yours first. You said this was safe!" Scully shouted at him.
The Gunmen, covered in red goo, scurried to their feet while Mulder picked himself up and stood behind Scully, shaking glass shards from his jacket.
"Guys, you might want to run. I can try and hold her back, but she's surprising strong for such a small person."
Scully's glare was just as menacing over her shoulder, but she wasn't biting on Mulder's attempt at deflection. She turned back to the Gunmen and took a step forward.
"Wait. Just… wait." Langly said with his hands up in the defensive position as he walked back over to the supposedly faulty device. "You guys do understand what happened here, don't you?"
"The Love-O-Matic turned out to be more of a Crap-O-Matic?" Mulder asked.
"Oh, no, it worked," Frohike said dejectedly.
Mulder and Scully both immediately saw where this was going, but they also both knew it was best to play dumb.
"Your compatibility was off the charts. Immeasurable, even by a device as sophisticated as this one… was," Langly explained.
"Basically, what he's getting at," Frohike grumbled, "is you two are so damn hot for each other that you broke our machine."
Mulder and Scully glanced at one another. Deny everything.
"That's ridiculous," Scully said.
"Yeah," Mulder added weakly. "Scully and I are not… hot for each other."
Langly and Frohike paused their Love-O-Matic pack-up to glance at one another. While reluctant, Frohike's skepticism told Mulder he better leave the rest of the denying to his capable partner.
"That thing is barely even theoretically possibly, let alone ninety-eight percent accurate," Scully went on. "And, besides, I thought you were hackers not scientific love gurus."
"They're hackers, actually," Byers corrected. "I'm—"
"An accessory," Scully accused.
"You're angry," Byers deduced.
"Ya think?" Scully hit back.
"Maybe everyone should just take a deep breath," Mulder suggested.
"I think we'll just do as you suggested and make a run for it instead," Byers told him with a smile as Frohike and Langly pushed the Love-O-Matic out the door. "Unless… should we clean up?"
"Nah. We can handle it," Mulder replied.
Scully frowned and narrowed her eyes.
"I can handle it, I meant," amended Mulder. "Me… all by myself…"
Byers gave him a cordial nod as he headed out the door after the others. Mulder stared at the empty doorway for a long moment before he turned back to Scully. He was surprised—shocked, actually—to find her smiling.
Her anger was an act… mostly. She'd established a certain hierarchy with the Gunmen, and she wanted to keep them in check. She hadn't even been touched by the red fluid or glass, thanks to Mulder's chivalrous shielding. She was, though, confused. Even though she didn't endorse their methodology or equipment, she certainly couldn't argue with the Gunmen's conclusion regarding her chemistry with Mulder. She'd felt the connection before Langly ever flipped a switch. But was it all from her side? Or could Mulder have possibly felt it, too? Even the thought of just a shared physical attraction was enough to make the situation bearable—even amusing.
"So was that thing total junk or what?" Mulder asked, still trying to get a feel for Scully's actual reaction to the events of the previous ten minutes.
"Absolutely," Scully said with a nod, glancing around the room. She chuckled. "Love-O-Matic?"
"I know. And to suggest that we're hot for each other…"
"Exactly," Scully agreed. "Frohike, of all people, should know what type of woman you go for," Scully said matter-of-factly.
"And what type of man you don't go for," Mulder added with a grin then tilted his head. "Just an idle and long-standing curiosity in need of satisfying, Scully, but exactly what type of woman is it you think I go for?"
"Let's just say Dr. Foster would be an exemplar."
"That's interesting, actually, because—"
"What kind of man don't you think I go for?" Scully's couldn't hold back her question.
"The short, computer hacker kind, for one, but I'm assuming the crackpot, FBI G-man type isn't really for you either," Mulder answered.
"I'm not sure about that. I know of at least one crackpot—albeit brilliant—FBI G-man that doesn't fall completely in the 'no' column. In terms of overall attractiveness, that is." The words left Scully's mouth in an inexplicable moment of fearlessness, but she already wanted them back… until Mulder spoke:
"Oh, well, if I happen to have even a few fingertips stretching out of your 'no' column," Mulder began with cautious bravery, "you should probably know, in terms of overall attractiveness, you've been on my 'yes' list from the beginning."
