After Joker left her alone, Jo decided to kill some time on a tour around the ship and stopped to talk to several people. Campbell and Westmoreland were busy with the scanner, their chatter never stopping even for a second. Traynor was putting fire under two dozen helpers with EDI's help. Alenko was still critical but stable in the empty med bay, Liara was unpacking her stuff and rearranging Miranda's former room. Adams was alone in Engineering. Vega had already managed to make himself a little nest in the cargo bay and collected all the equipment from the former gym lying around. When Jo stepped out of the elevator, he was talking - or maybe flirting? Sure sounded like flirting - with another man. Steve Cortez was his name, she remembered. He'd told her earlier during introductions in the conference room that he was a shuttle pilot and a procurement specialist but Jo hadn't realised he and Vega knew each other from before.
"I think I'll keep you, Steve," she said to him after questioning the man thoroughly.
"Thank you, Commander. But why?"
"Because you can not only fly the shuttle but also act as Joker's relief pilot. He'll rip my head off if I find him someone new, but he already knows you, so maybe he won't hate you too much. Don't get me wrong, he'll still hate you. You'll have to check in with him for extensive training before I let you handle my ship or my shuttle, but I have hope for you. Also, you're gay."
"That's your reason to keep me, Commander?" He raised his eyebrows with mirth.
"Yeah, Steve, and don't laugh. In my line of work every man who isn't staring at my boobs when I'm giving orders is like a breath of fresh air. Finally, you and Vega know each other. He's new on my team and I don't want either of you to feel too much like outsiders. The sooner this place feels like home to all my crew members, the sooner we'll become a real team."
"I understand, Commander. You can count on me."
"Yeah," Jo smiled. "I know."
In truth, she had always been more comfortable around homosexual men than around straight ones. They tended to take her seriously without her having to beat them into submission.
James tried his absolute best not to reveal his curiosity when he saw Shepard talking to Steve. In the six months that he'd known her, he was in control of her every waking minute, she couldn't say or do anything without him knowing about it. It was his job and she had made it easy for him. Now she was free again, free to do as she wanted and talk to people without letting James listen in. He realised how possessive he'd grown of her, her time and actions.
Now he was like everyone else. He could speak with her if she had time, but he would have to share her with the rest of the galaxy.
He desperately wanted to know what she and Steve were whispering about, why Steve smiled and nodded, why she seemed so at ease around him, but James had no right to ask her about it even when she came to speak to him after talking to Steve.
"Made yourself at home?" She asked, taking in the little corner he made for himself. He didn't want to sleep in the dorm with the rest of the crew and as far as he knew Shepard allowed some people on her team to choose their own lodging if something was available. He didn't need much, only a little privacy as far away from the chatterboxes in the dorm as possible.
"Yeah, Shepard. Your gun collection is impressive. Keeping it clean for you will be my pleasure."
"Yeah, most of those pieces have a history attached. I could tell you, if you like."
"Definitely, some time."
"Steve is staying, by the way."
"Oh, yeah?" James couldn't help a grin. So, that was what they'd been talking about? "How come?"
"Because you love him so much."
"Huh?"
"Oh, I've seen how you flirt with him, it was really cute," Shepard grinned.
"What?!" James sputtered. "No, I'm... It's... No, it's not like that!"
"Don't worry, Vega, it wouldn't make you less of a man," Shepard egged him on, he knew it and yet he fell for it. "Trust me, losing one sparring match after another to me is more damaging to your masculinity than flirting with Steve."
"I didn't always lose."
"You never won, either."
"All right, let's try it again, right here and now," he challenged her. "I'll beat you some day."
" I'm always ready," Shepard grinned, leading him towards the middle of the bay. They exchanged a few blows, teasing each other, as always, but then James just had to go ahead and blurt out the one thing he never wanted to remember, and Shepard dug in until she'd beaten the whole story about Fehl Prime out of him. When James realised how far his foolish tongue had taken him, it was already too late.
"Don't blame yourself," she said.
"Who said I'm blaming myself?" He was getting really pissed. Mostly at himself.
"I just did," she kicked him in the knee.
"So, you're a shrink now, too?"
"Well, yes, actually," she surprised him. "I don't have a diploma on my wall, but my training in psychology is as real as my sniping scores."
James blinked. He hadn't known that about her, but then again, he knew nothing about the N7 training.
"You don't care if you live or die," Shepard continued between punches and James felt each word like a cut across his soul because she was right. "Don't get me wrong, I would have done the same thing with the Kodiak, but if you're half as good as I think you are, the galaxy needs you alive. I need you alive."
That was a different kind of blow. Never in his life, never in all the years of worshiping Shepard and all her achievements, had he imagined he would be good enough. She'd invited him to her team earlier today, sure, but hearing her actually say it, confirm that he was indeed good enough, took his breath away.
"Thanks for the pep talk, Lola," he said, feeling pretty raw and shaken. A little pause from her alerted him that he'd said something bad again:
"Lola?"
James cursed his stupid tongue, glad that he had his back to Shepard at the moment. How could he have been so stupid? Blurt out his little secret to her like that?!
"Yeah, well, you look like a Lola," he shrugged, trying very hard to make it sound like it was no big deal.
"What's with a nickname?"
"Some people don't match their names, so I give them new ones. It's my way of remembering people," James would never dare to look Shepard in the eye as he said that. She would know from his guilty eyes that it wasn't just a nickname.
"Uhuh," her voice turned even colder. "Why Lola?"
"A friend's sister was Lola. An older sister. Tough. Hot," he tried to steer the uncomfortable situation somewhere Shepard wouldn't really want to go, but in the next moment he felt her hand on his bicep and was forcefully yanked around. She looked up at him and yet James had never felt so small in his life.
"I've never, ever in my whole damn life have been so insulted," she informed him with barely hidden fury.
James had seen her direct that kind of fury at other people during her incarceration, but being on the receiving end was more than scary. It was devastating. Had he fucked it all up already? On his very first day on her team? Would that be his only day here?
"I'm Lieutenant Commander Shepard, an N7 marine, the first human Spectre, saviour of the galaxy, the most famous human in existence, and someone out there considered me important enough to raise me back from the dead. I've hunted down a rogue Spectre, saved the Council, uncovered millennia-old conspiracy, destroyed one and a half Reapers, travelled through the Omega4 relay and blew up the entire Collector base, I negotiated countless hostage situations, took down countless mercs and criminals, delivered a baby on a battlefield, saved thousands of problems for thousands of people, and you cannot remember my name, so you have to give me a new one? And to remember me better you name me after a friend's sister? Try again, Vega, and do better this time, because for that kind of an insult I would have no other choice but to gut you on the spot."
James felt her force to his bone marrow. You could not disobey that kind of voice. His hands shook a little when he started talking again:
"Sorry, Shepard, the last thing I wanted was to insult you. Lola was someone I admired greatly when I was a kid, someone who's helped me through some really rough times. You remind me of her, only you're even stronger, tougher, better. It's actually a compliment."
"A little better," she cocked her head and James could physically feel the power of her anger recede a little. "And now the real story, please."
"She meant a lot to me. A lot," James found himself saying before he could filter his speech.
"Do I need to find that woman to find out if you're lying to me?"
"You won't find her. She's not... real. She's fictional," he admitted and averted his eyes, hoping he hadn't just ruined his life. To his surprise Shepard chuckled a little, declaring peace:
"A fictional character worthy of admiration? Well, that really is a compliment. Vega, you can call me by a nickname for now, but the time will come when I'll ask you to stop it."
"Understood. Thank you, Commander."
"For what?" She grinned, almost on her way to the elevator.
"For not gutting me."
"Hi, Jeff," the girl on Joker's screen said. Her eyes were red from crying. Hilary was holding a tissue, but she tried to appear strong.
"Hi, baby," Joker sighed. He felt like crying, too, but it wasn't really an option. He'd locked the blasted cockpit door before he called Tiptree, but Campbell and Westmoreland were almost finished with the scanner and Shepard told them to get rid of his door as well, so he didn't have too much time.
"Did you hear anything about the Arcturus station?" His father asked. "Was your mum really up there?"
"Yeah," he hated knowing for sure. "The Alliance released the list of people registered on the station during the time of... Yeah, she was there."
The three of them fell silent for a while. His parents' marriage had been over years ago, but they hadn't hated each other. They just drifted apart. George Moreau still cared for Silvia a lot. She was the mother of his two children and his companion for many years in the past. He, too, was shaken.
"I take it, you and Johanna are back on the Normandy?" Gunny asked.
"Yeah," Joker looked around himself. Back on the Normandy for real. That had been his dream for the last six months, but now...
"How is she?" His father asked. When Joker only shrugged, George got a little worried: "Have you two broken up?"
"No, well, not really."
"What does that mean?" George asked sternly and Gunny leaned forward towards the screen, also interested in his answer.
Joker looked at his father's and sister's worried faces and weighed his options. He'd never told them too much about his life on the Normandy. Some stories here and there, but never anything really personal. He was a very private, reserved man and Jo was basically the only one to ever get under his skin enough to get him to open up. His family was by far not close enough for that. But she was not available right now for the obvious reasons and after losing his mother Joker felt like he could at least try to get closer to the rest of his family. None of them knew how long they still had.
"When I learned about mum," he started before he could change his mind. "I kinda lashed out at Jo. Said and did some stupid things I can never apologise enough for. But then... Anyway, the gist of it is that she told me that if I asked her to stop fighting this war, she would."
"And?" George blinked.
"And that's it, dad! What more do you need? She told me she'd let the galaxy go under if I asked her to. She basically put the fate of the universe in my hands. I'm sorry if I'm inadequate or something, but that kind of freaked me out."
"Hm," George said, looking to the side. Joker knew that his father was taking some time to think about the issue before he would say something. Gunny looked at them both with wide eyes, probably a bit overwhelmed by the topic. "Something tells me she didn't quite put it that way."
"Well, maybe she said something about how I was her partner and had as much say about her life and death as she did, but come on, dad, I really don't need that kind of shit right now. And don't make me regret telling you about it, either."
"You listen to me, Jeff, and you listen good," George fixed him with a heavy glare. "In the last half a year your mother and I talked a lot about you and your Jo. The one thing Silvia was afraid of most was that Johanna would disregard you when something more important happened, get herself killed in the line of duty and break your heart. Silvia was very concerned that you and Jo wouldn't be equals. What you're telling me now proves that your mother was wrong. Johanna seems to be aware of the issue and she just offered you what many people never find in their relationships. True partnership. Yes, you two operate on a big scale and your decisions would affect the entire galaxy, but that's not what's important. What's important is that you two make your decisions together and no one gets overruled. I'm sure that when people learn of your relationship with Jo, they ask you: how does that even work? They don't mean your brittle bones, son. They wonder if she's treating you as an equal. She is and it's a gift, so stop being an asshole about it."
Joker bit down on his knuckle. He'd always known that he'd inherited not only his father's colouring and the genetic disease George's father had suffered, but to a great extend also George's charming personality. It was just like his father to call him an asshole in front of his fifteen year old sister.
"Yeah, dad, whatever. I'll think about it."
"When do we get to meet her?" Gunny asked. "Is she around? I thought maybe she'd be with you when you called."
"She's certainly around," Joker threw a glance at another screen that showed security footage. "Right now she's beating the shit out of Lieutenant Vega."
"Huh?"
"He calls it sparring, she calls it training, but really, it's just her beating the bejezus out of him."
That made both George and Hilary chuckle.
"I promise, next time I call, I'll make sure to introduce you."
Jo went back to the cockpit when they were merely an hour away from the Citadel. Westmoreland and Campbell had done their job to the letter. The scanner was dismantled and the door was out of its frame, stored in the cargo bay for disposal. Jo found Joker alone in the cockpit, thoughtfully biting his thumb.
"So," she said softly, taking a seat in the co-pilot's chair. "Do I still have a boyfriend?"
"Do you still want one?" He asked her gruffly.
"More than ever."
"Jo," he sighed and turned to look at her fully. She'd almost forgotten how deep the green of his eyes was in the light of the Normandy's cockpit. It always took her breath away. "It's not that I don't understand what you were trying to say. I get it. It's just... I can't deal with that kind of decisions right now."
"I didn't mean to make it sound like a decision with a deadline. As long as you don't ask me to do otherwise, I'll continue doing what I'm doing now. Working against the Reapers. I just needed you to know that the option is always there for you and it's never too late to use it. And again, I apologise for the way I delivered it."
"It's me who should be apologising," he lowered his glance. "Jo, I'm so sorry for what happened earlier. You have to know it's not like me. I'd never ever hurt you intentionally and I'm not the kind of man... Please believe me, I'm not that kind of man and I'm more ashamed of myself than you can imagine. It will never happen again, I swear to you on my life. I'm just... there is no excuse. I just hope you can find it in you to forgive me."
Jo let him speak his mind. She knew that he needed to say what was bothering him, put it all out there. When he was done, she reached out and ran her fingers over his warm and smooth bicep:
"I just told Vega and I can tell you as well, if you're interested. I have an unofficial psychology degree. Yes, that's why I always found Chambers so ridiculous. I've learned a lot about stress and grief and trauma. I know exactly what was going on in your head earlier and I was glad I could give you a measure of relief when you needed it. Do you really think you could force yourself on me? Seriously, Jeff? I can toss you across the room with a flick of my wrist, no offence. You needed something and I tried my best to give it to you. I can take it, I'm not a gentle flower and not the scared little girl I was at seventeen. Don't make this about me, either. I know you're not that kind of man. I believe in you and I love you. But right now you need to grieve and work through the pain you're feeling. You need to take care of yourself. If you let me help you with that in any way I can, I'll be glad. I'm always there for you."
"Thanks. I'd still like to ask for your forgiveness, if it's all the same to you."
"I forgive you," she gave him a smile filled with all the warmth she felt for him. "Fully and completely." She didn't think it was a big deal, but it seemed to be a big deal to him because he eased up. "Will you come to our bedroom tonight?"
"I don't know, Jo," he got serious again. "It's not that I don't want to, but I still need to think about what you said, and my mum... Besides, we're almost at the Citadel. Do you really think we'll get time to sleep anytime soon?"
"We'll stay there for at least a day. I need to clean house, find new crew and order supplies. We're going to do this right, not rush into things hot-headed."
"If you're planning to hire security guards, you can just keep Campbell and Westmoreland. They've already put up with me for six months, they're... hardened."
"I might just do that," Jo chuckled. Talking shop was easier for both of them right now.
When they finally docked on the Citadel, Alenko had been rushed off to Huerta Memorial and Jo took Liara to see the Council. The strangest thing was to see Udina so beaten when the rest of the Councillors ganged up on him.
"Each of us faces a similar situation," the asari Councillor was saying. "Even now Reapers are pressing on our borders. If we lend you our strength to help Earth, our own worlds will fall."
"We must fight this enemy together!" Udina spoke up and Jo was endlessly surprised to find herself in complete agreement with this man, for the first time ever.
"And so we should just follow you to Earth?" The salarian chimed in. The turian asked Jo if she thought their united forces had a chance to defeat the Reapers, and Jo let Liara present the plans for the Crucible.
"The Reapers won't stop at Earth. They'll destroy every organic being in the galaxy if we don't stop them. We must stand together now. I'm not asking you to abandon your homeworlds. Give your support to the Crucible project, and join in with your fleets when it's finished. It's the only way for us to survive. It's all I ask."
The three Councillorts next to Udina exchanged glances, each shaking their head a little.
"The cruel and unfortunate truth is that while Reapers focus on Earth, we can prepare and regroup," the asari said. The salarian continued:
"If we manage to secure our own borders, we may once again consider aiding you."
"I'm sorry, Commander, that is the best we can do. This meeting is adjourned."
Jo just stood there, looking at them, as a terrible, cold emptiness swallowed all her insides. She took a deep breath and it came back out shakily.
"Commander," the asari looked a little annoyed that Jo wasn't gone yet. "This meeting is adjourned."
"I heard you, loud and clear. I'm just appreciating the moment."
"What moment?"
"This, right here and now, is the moment our cycle was destroyed. No fireworks, no last stand, nothing special at all, and yet…"
"What are you talking about?"
Jo felt the weight of the entire galaxy on her shoulders. Many people said that in exaggeration, but for her it was an unfortunate reality.
"I didn't come here to ask you to aid Earth, Councillors. Spirits know I'd sacrifice more than just one planet to save the galaxy. I asked you to help build the one thing that can save us all, to unite our forces, become one people to face the greatest enemy we're ever likely to face. But we are not ready for that, we all look after ourselves. Right here and now we had a chance to become more than what we've ever been before, but we couldn't. We destroyed ourselves, the Reapers will only pick up the pieces. History books search for moments like this one. And since in a few months from now we will all be extinct, along with all our history books, I'm just taking a minute to appreciate the weight and significance of this moment personally."
They looked like she'd slapped them across their collective face.
"Commander," the turian began, but she interrupted him:
"I don't know what you are going to do with the remainder of your lives, and it truly doesn't matter anymore whether we fight or lean back. We've already lost, thanks to our collective lack of effort two minutes ago. So if it's all the same to you, I'll go and kill me some Reapers. My diplomacy failed, my persuasion failed, my vision of a strong, united galactic community remains just that: a vision. Wasted. All I have left is my gun and my own two hands, so I'm going to shoot my enemies until I fail there, too. Have a pleasant rest of your lives, Councillors, however short they might be."
She turned and walked away. All the years of butting heads with them, all the work she put into getting to know other species, all her appreciation of the galactic community, all her sacrifices for the greater good – all fruitless. This speech was her last, truly last attempt to get through to them. If they were thick-headed enough to ignore the only way to save themselves and the galaxy even now, this cycle did not deserve to be saved at all. Her last hope – and the galaxy's last hope as well – rested on the power of her words.
She'd give them one day to think about what she'd said, to ponder on the historic importance of their actions in the here and now, and make up their minds whether they wanted to live or not. One day to decide the fate of them all. If nothing changed in the Council's reply, she would have to rethink her own position in this war.
She didn't go to the Normandy. She truly couldn't face all those scared people and tell them they had to leave the ship, she couldn't find it in herself to look through personnel files for new crew and she definitely couldn't bear looking Vega and Joker in the eye and telling them about the Council's decision. Thus she found herself in an unlikely place in very unlikely company. Udina's office was kind of nice, but reports from Earth running on his screen and more salt than pepper in his hair along with deep circles under his eyes told her that he didn't have it easy at the moment, either. She wondered if Anderson would have done a better job in Udina's place. It seemed that this man's hunger for power finally caught up with him and bit him in the ass.
It didn't take a whole day. Jo was still talking to Udina when the turian Councillor came in to task her with finding the turian Primarch. The upcoming summit was a chance to present her case again, and he was giving her a chance to win his people over. Jo did her best to ignore the undertone of this offer – like he was doing her a favour and not the other way around – and accepted the task along with her reinstatement as a Spectre.
When the turian was gone, Jo took another minute to appreciate one more historic moment. The Council would always fight her with tooth, claw and tentacle, it was an established dynamic between them from the day she became a Spectre for the first time. They would always pretend they were doing her a favour by listening to her and acting on her advice, like they were humouring a spoiled child. Jo could live with that. She could live with being the one who always got blamed, who was always ignored, ridiculed, disregarded and banished, as long as she and those under her protection got to live at all. The plight of one woman was nothing compared to the survival of the galaxy. And be that as it may, the turian Councillor just gave her a starting point to possibly achieving her final goal.
That Spectre reinstatement gave her access to a lot of information, like Daniels' and Donnelly's whereabouts. She authorised their immediate release and assigned them to the Normandy. She needed her techies more than anything. Now that she had a task at hand, she had a reason to go home and start working. Taking care of everything was in her blood.
She sent a message to the hangar crew to paint over the stupid Alliance emblem on the hull. She had a moral obligation to do that because she couldn't possibly unite the galaxy under the Alliance flag. Humanity was only one species of many and Jo couldn't do this as a human. From now on she was the emissary of galactic cooperation.
Jo sent messages to those on the Normandy who had to get off and found some people on the Citadel that she needed to get on her ship, before she went to the hospital. When she saw Karin Chakwas there, she almost teared up. The elderly doctor, a mother figure for the last few years, was Jo's confidant when no one else could be, and more than just a wonderful friend. She was real family.
After sending Karin to the ship Jo took a moment t actually visit Alenko. He looked like shit and was still unconscious. Jo stood at his side for a while, inspecting his features.
"Why won't you die?" She asked his unresponsive frame. "What's keeping you here? What's throwing you back in my path again and again?"
He didn't answer and Jo wouldn't have expected it even if he was awake. The question was rather between her and the moving forces of the universe. She truly had no idea what to do with Alenko. He was useless on her mission, a terrible friend and a questionable officer. And yet here he was, again.
