Episode 3x10: The New Neverland
Belle hurriedly towed Ariel toward the docks, glancing anxiously at her watch. "Okay, we've only got fifteen seconds to wrap up your story arc before the A-list gets home and everyone forgets us, so we've got to hustle!" She pointed. "There's your man, now kiss, make up, and live happily ever after!" She shook the mermaid. "NOW, damn it!"
Eric was gutting some poor little yellow and blue striped flounder. "Les poissons, les poissons, how I love les poissons. Love to chop and to serve little fish."
"Ah! My man's a murderer!" Ariel screamed, shrinking back against Belle in horror.
"You're going to the wrong person for sympathy," said Belle, shoving her forward roughly.
Ariel landed in the fisherman's arms with a thump. He blinked. "Can I help you?"
"Eric, it's me." Eric stared blankly. "Your girlfriend." He shook his head, confused. "Ariel!"
"You mean that random chick I talked to for a couple of minutes at a party thirty years ago?"
"Yeah."
"My only love!" He swept her into his arms, kissed her, and produced a wedding band.
Meanwhile, Belle was filming the scene before her in order to prove to Leroy that her matchmaking skills weren't completely useless. "Aw, tearful reunions between long-lost loves are the best. Speaking of which, what's keeping Rumple?" As if in response to this thought, a pirate ship with black sails suddenly appeared in the sky. The name Jolly Roger had been crossed out on its hull, with Black Pearl sloppily penciled in beneath it. "Yay, my man's back! And all those other people, too, but what do I care?"
Panry pranced creepily down the gangplank, giggling evilly, which should have been an oxymoron. The good people of Storybrooke stared at him quizzically. "Uh, sorry, it's a side effect from my near death experience."
As the Charmings descended down the gangplank, the dwarves let out a groan. "Aw, man, they're back," Leroy griped. "There goes my shot at another centric."
Granny swept Panry into a hug. He smiled. "Good to see you again…er…Old Mother Hubbard?"
"I think he has amnesia," said David by way of explanation. "Being a member of my family, in fact, it's pretty much a given."
As Gold descended down the gangplank, Belle eyed his new leather pants appreciatively. "Can we go continue this reunion in the backseat of your car, please?"
Ariel threw her arms around Mary Margaret, who pulled away, looking confused. "Hey, shouldn't my best friend Red be the one welcoming me home?"
"Red's busy on another network. I'm afraid it's me or no one."
Regina watched the outpouring of tender affection with a queasy look. "Ugh, you people are about to give me diabetes. Can I go home now?"
Emma took her alleged son in her arms. "So Henry, how does it feel to finally be back to the status quo?"
"I'm sure I'll be plotting wild schemes and orchestrating coups within no time," he assured her with a smile.
She mussed his hair affectionately. "Atta boy."
Felix made his way off the ship, idly plucking leaves off a sprig of dreamshade. "He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not."
Belle threw her arms around Gold. He firmly guided her hands away from the pants area. "Hey, not in front of the kids!"
"Spoilsport. Well, at least you're not dead. Told you so, drama queen."
"Oh, Belle, I've missed your incessant nagging so much!" the Dark One wept, holding her tighter.
Neal came over. "Hey, can I get some screen time, here?"
Belle frowned. "Who the hell are you?"
"I'm his son, Baelfire. Who the hell are you?"
Belle turned back to her boyfriend. "You said your son was dead." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Hey, was that just a ploy for pity sex?"
"Guys, please stop expecting this to make sense and just let me enjoy my one moment of happiness," Gold pleaded. Belle and Neal shrugged awkwardly at each other and joined him in a group hug.
Neal held out his father's old pimp cane. "Hey, I know you don't need this anymore, but the symbolism is to die for, so I thought you might want to hang onto it."
"Thanks, son. I promise I'll try not to beat anyone else to death with it," he vowed. Belle looked covertly disappointed. Gold cradled his beautiful, happy family lovingly in his arms. "Well, at least one of us is obviously doomed. I wonder who it is?"
Regina was now vomiting into an airsickness bag she'd brought from the ship. "Ugh, make it stop!" she groaned, revolted.
The Lost Boys filed out of the ship uneasily. "Emma was just exaggerating about the unspeakable horrors of foster care, right?"
Wendy shoved past them. "So long, boys—you're gonna have to find a new mother." She met her brothers' eyes with a nervous smile. "Hey, dudes. Uh, sorry?" They took turns smacking her over the head. "Hey, come on! How was I supposed to know that a monstrous stalker who likes to peek in on little girls at night had bad intentions?" They smacked her again.
Neal pulled them off her. "Guys, cut her some slack. I thinking spending time in the custody of my grandfather is punishment enough for any crime."
"My hero." Wendy patted him on the back. "Guys, you remember Baelfire."
"Sure do," said John warmly. "Sorry we tried to help murder your son, old buddy, but he stood in our way."
"Oh, well, in that case, I'd have done the same thing. Think nothing of it." Neal squeezed his foster siblings affectionately. "So, since me hooking up with Wendy is obviously out of the question now, what are we going to do?"
"Well, we can't go home until time travel is invented," said John, "but I have a feeling we won't have to wait long."
Mary Margaret took her husband aside. "How do you feel?"
"Honestly, all of this love and togetherness is starting to make even me sick. We'd better wrap this up."
"No, I meant your little case of death."
David pressed a couple of fingers to his wrist and took some deep breaths. "Nope, still ticking. The water must be working, which means Hook was actually telling the truth." Husband and wife gaped at the pirate in astonishment.
Hook shrugged helplessly. "Hey, I'm just as shocked as you are."
"I have to admit, when Henry died, I almost worried it would be permanent this time." She glanced from her son to her parents to Neal. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking."
"Now you're talking like a Charming." Her father smiled proudly.
"I'd like to thank the Academy, my fans, and my wonderful stylist," Mary Margaret demurred, blowing kisses at the crowd. "I'd also like to give a shout-out to my darling stepmother Regina. Hi, Mom!" She waved at Regina, who was still looking kind of queasy. "Thanks for everything you did for us in Neverland."
"You're welcome," sighed Hook. But as always, everyone ignored him, especially Emma.
Meanwhile, Snow White and Prince Charming's wedding day remained as traumatic as ever. "I will wreak a terrible and brutal revenge for whatever it is that you did to me, Snow White!" the mother of the bride ranted. "On you, and your little prince, and your werewolf chum, and your preachy little cricket, and your oversized dwarves…"
Seven hours later…
"…And the village carpenter's estranged son, and my former tutor's long-lost girlfriend, and that headless guy who's supposed to be trapped in another dimension…" she continued hoarsely.
Prince Charming glanced tiredly at his watch, while Snow White snored quietly on his shoulder. "We get it, we get it, are you done now?"
Regina paused for a moment. "Yeah, I think that's everything. I want to thank you for being polite and not shooting me in the back while I got all of that off my chest."
"Damn it, I knew I was forgetting something!" Prince Charming flung his sword at her head.
"Chivalry is so dead!" growled the Queen, vanishing into thin air.
The bride snatched the top tier of the wedding cake and went off to the ladies' room to eat it and have a good cry. Her man ran after her. "Snow, baby, you've got to go back out there. Red says if you don't throw the bouquet, she's going to come in here and take it. By any means necessary." He made a clawing gesture with his hands.
"Can't talk. Panicking," she mumbled around a mouthful of buttercream.
"Comfort mode," Charming tried.
"That's not going to do the trick this time, Honeymuffin! A homicidal maniac who can take down armies with the raw power of her mind openly expressed an intention to destroy us! We have to stop her!"
"As you may recall, I told you the exact same thing, right before you elected to do nothing and turned her loose with impunity," Charming snapped.
"I think I've finally realized what an idiot I've been."
Her husband sighed longsufferingly. "Snow, we both know you're never going to do anything to stop Regina, so quit wasting my time."
"Well, we've got to do something!"
"You read my mind, baby." Charming stripped down to his heart-speckled underwear, dimmed the lights, stuck a rose between his teeth, and splayed himself on the table.
"Honeymuffin, I'm sorry, but the imminent apocalypse is kind of killing the mood."
"Come on, we have to at least go on our honeymoon! I already made us reservations for two to Vegas, and they're non-refundable."
"But what about our undefended peasantry?"
"Since when do we give a damn about their problems?"
"Hm, good point. Okay, I'll go with you on one condition. Transfer our reservations from Vegas to the Summer Palace." Snow smiled nostalgically. "It's where my parents spent their honeymoon. There's a lot of graffiti on the walls, stuff like 'I heart my rebound chick,' but we can have someone paint over that before we get there."
"Eee! I'm finally gonna score!" Charming squealed, running off to Ye Olde Travel Agent and leaving his clothes behind.
Some guy popped out of nowhere. "Don't worry, it's not Rumplestiltskin, it's just me," said Grumpy. "The guys are standing in front of the castle, yodeling at the top of their lungs, which is sure to repel even the most fearless invaders. Anyway, I was eavesdropping on you and the prince, and I couldn't help but notice that you gave in way too easily. What gives? Are you getting back to your roots as a spineless nineteenth-century damsel in distress?"
"Ew, no, I'd sooner die!" Snow balked. "I just want to go to the Summer Palace to search for the all-powerful magical artifact du jour."
David glanced uneasily from Gold to the black sail where Pan's shadow was still imprisoned. "Are you sure we don't need to be scared? Last time we trapped a powerful, evil monster in a magical prison that we were assured was impregnable, you played us all like chumps. No offense or anything."
"None taken, but I'm sure we've seen the last of that particular plot device," said Gold cheerfully, patting Pandora's Box. "Isn't that right, Dad?"
Felix threw his arms around Panry. "Pookie, I'm scared! Hold me!"
Panry shoved him away. "Will you get a grip, dude?"
"How can I? The Gold family immunity to imprisonment applies to Henry, too, you know! When he gets out, as he obviously will, you're a dead man!" He broke down sobbing. "And I can't bear the thought of losing you again!"
Panry's eyes gleamed wickedly. "Hey, I just thought of a foolproof way to get you out of my hair for a while and win the trust of Henry's family in one fell swoop. You need to be punished."
"Ooh, okay!" Felix agreed eagerly, presenting his hands to be cuffed and casting Panry a sultry look.
"Not like that, you sicko!" He whistled for his phony parents. "Hey, Dad, Mom, Mom-slash-Great-Grandma? Why the hell are you letting Felix run free in our town? Are you high or something?"
"No, I just feel that imprisoning someone for killing you would be hypocritical of me," said Regina. "One of your other parents will have to do it."
"Don't worry, Henry," said David confidently. "He may have centuries of experience at the side of the most dastardly villain of all time on his side, but that's no match for a municipal jail cell with a moderately-sized padlock."
Over at the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, Gold shoved Pandora's Box down the teacup hole and sat his creepy puppets in front of it. "Even Pan would never have the guts to come out and face these monstrosities." The pawnbroker giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron. "Nobody dumps Rumplestiltskin and lives, you little pipsqueak! NOBODY!"
Panry smirked. "Whatever you say, kiddo." Everyone looked at him strangely. "I mean, whatever you say, I'm still nervous about this. Are you sure he can't get out?"
Now that he was part of the family, Gold slipped into comfort mode. "Don't worry, Henry, I'm actually on your side this time. Out of all our relatives, I hate Pan the most, and that's saying something." He shuddered.
"Listen to your Pop-Pop, honey," said Regina. "You have nothing to worry about. On the off chance Pan does escape, we always have the option of inviting him over to my house for turnovers. Bwa hah hah!"
Panry looked at the assorted Charmingstiltskins, clearly impressed. "Look at you people, coming together as a family, setting aside your differences and placing the welfare of your shared offspring first. It's a real shame Henry isn't here to see this."
Later on, Belle was primping her boyfriend while he tried in vain to still look threatening. "Well, you're not wearing the leather pants anymore, but I got to help you change out of them, so the afternoon wasn't a total loss," she observed cheerfully. "So, are we getting married yet or what?"
"Nah, weddings are strictly premiere and finale events, but I am willing to meet you halfway and finally officially admit that we're dating."
"Gods, we're adorable during the rare moments when we're not being dysfunctional," Belle sighed happily, pulling him into a kiss. "We really should do this more often."
Over at the only diner in town, Emma sat the Big Book of Deja-Vu in front of Panry. "Here, I thought you might enjoy the company of the only thing as all-knowing as you are." She glanced over her shoulder to make sure Hook and Neal weren't listening, and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Speaking of which, does the book say anything about who's going to win this stupid love triangle?"
Panry shoved the book aside in disgust. "Reading is for nerds, coma patients and…" He remembered himself. "Oh, right, me." He picked up the book and thumbed awkwardly through the pictures. "I wonder if my lovely wife Mary Poppins is in this thing?"
Hook was eyeing mother and son from the bar. "Damn it, I'm not going to be able to convince her to ditch him like I did with Milah," he realized glumly. "Looks like I'll have to try a different approach."
"If you're planning on selling him, you'll have to go through me!" Neal growled, placing himself between the two of them.
"No, no. I mean that I need to give Henry's parents a chance to fall in love and form a stable family unit, for his sake."
"You've become a Swan Queen shipper?"
"I'm talking about you." He handed over a notarized contract granting the bearer ownership of one Emma Swan. "Consider her an early birthday present from me to you."
Neal hugged him excitedly. "Oh boy! Thanks, buddy, I'll take really good care of her! I'll feed her and walk her every d—wait a minute, this is really generous of you, and that's completely OOC. What gives?"
"I don't like to split up families and rob innocent children of their mothers."
"Like hell you don't!"
Hook sniggered. "Okay, that was a lie, I love it. But I don't think it would work on Emma, so I'm not going to waste my time. Anyway, she hates your guts, so I'm sure I won't have to wait long."
Across the room, the Mother Superior was having a little chat with Leroy. "And love is for…?"
Leroy sighed sadly. "Pretty people."
"And don't you forget it."
"You're as noble and compassionate as ever, boss," said Tinkerbell contemptuously, arriving on the scene with her best frenemy Regina.
"Green? Why can't you just die already?" Blue griped.
"Berating Tinkerbell is my job, so leave her alone," Regina snapped. "And give the poor little bug her wings back."
"Why should I?"
"Well, this is the first time I've ever asked for anything without using the words 'or else.' Seems like you'd want to encourage me." But Regina could see that argument was getting her nowhere, so she switched tactics. "Tink's presence will increase your popularity with the young female demographic?" That didn't work, either. "Well, she also got pixie dust to work."
The nun was unimpressed. "So did Belle. Who gives a damn?"
"Just show her." Regina thrust the vial into Tink's hands, but all it did was sit there looking suspiciously like 99-cent-store-glitter.
"It's not working because you lack self-confidence for some reason, you worthless, screwed-up loser whom everyone hates," Mother Superior informed Tinkerbell haughtily.
She went off to go yell at little Pinocchio some more, and Tink sank down onto the nearest barstool. "Absinthe, please."
Panry thumbed through the Big Book of Deja-Vu, giggling whenever something bad happened to Rumplestiltskin. Neal turned to Emma, concerned. "Is he always this insane?"
"Oh, more or less," said Emma dismissively.
"By the way, I was wondering, can I talk with you later? And by talk, I mean score." She slapped him. "Emma, come on. Hook gave you to me fair and square, so you may as well be reasonable about this." She slapped him again. "Stop playing hard-to-get. You already admitted you love me—it's too late for unresolved sexual tension."
Emma raised her eyebrows. "Do you even remember who you're talking to? After thirty years, I still haven't admitted I love my own parents!"
"All right, I'll make it easy for you." He pointed. "Tomorrow, around lunchtime, I'm going to sit in that booth and give you the chance to dump me for a change." He leaned in to whisper nervously in her ear. "Just a heads-up, I'll be expendable and probably not long for this world if you do. But by all means, don't let that influence your decision."
As Neal went off to bond with Henry and prove he still had relevance, Emma's parents came up behind her. "So, I presume you're going to try to pair me up with Neal."
"Yep," they chorused.
"Why? He's a juvenile delinquent who got your teenaged daughter pregnant. Isn't he supposed to be every parent's worst nightmare?"
"No, Hook is, and we're in favor of anyone who isn't him right now," said David.
Emma stared at them in disbelief. "I had to raise my only son from the dead a couple of hours ago! Why the hell does everybody expect dating to be my top priority at the moment?"
"Hey, you're talking to a guy who got married while his beloved mother lay dying on the ground a couple of feet away."
"You people are wrong in the head!" She stormed off and slammed the door.
"Aw, isn't that cute? She really thinks there are more important things in life than flirting," David chuckled. "Just like you, before I straightened you out."
Prince Charming carried his wife across the threshold of their secondhand love nest, a Just Married sign hung around his neck. "Wow, this beats the hell out of living with sheep."
"It's pretty awesome, all right. I'm glad I—uh, I mean, my smooth-talking husband—decided to come here."
"Yeah, yeah, very romantic, can we have sex now?" Charming tore off his clothes, stuck the rose between his teeth, and splayed himself on the table again.
"Hell no."
"Aw, come on!" He gestured at his manly physique. "Look at me! What are you, gay?"
"If I said I was, would you quit hounding me for sex?"
"Absolutely not."
"In that case, I need to go change into my bridal lingerie. For the next several hours. In the backyard. With weapons."
Snow took off through the woods. "Passionate sex with my gorgeous new husband or a fight to the death with a hideous monster?" She drew her sword. "Talk about a no brainer."
"I'm really starting to take this personally, honey." Prince Charming popped out of nowhere. "Don't worry, it's not Rumplestiltskin, it's just me." His eyes roved over the many weapons on her person. "Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think I'm going to be into whatever you've got planned for our wedding night."
"How did you know I'd be here?"
"Your skill at lying hasn't improved over the years. Now what's really going on?"
"Well, when I was a kid, the Medieval Enquirer ran a story about a creature near here that can turn people into stone by looking into their eyes. It sounds completely logical and I see no reason not to stake the future of my family and my kingdom on it."
"So you want to pull a Perseus on Regina? How?"
"I'm going to put the head in a box and label it 'Mail-Order Husband.' She'll never be able to resist."
"That's actually not bad," Charming had to admit. "Okay, I can see you're not going to be able to get in the mood until we find this thing, so I'll give you a hand. But you've got to promise to rock my world once this little quest is over."
"Quit harping on sex, already! What do you think this is, our wedding night?"
Panry was still thumbing through the Big Book of Deja-Vu, looking puzzled. "Okay, seriously, who wrote this thing?"
"Never bothered you before," said Emma cheerfully. "Now come on, it's time for bed. You may or may not still have school in the morning."
"You're a nag. I want my other mommy!" He glomped Regina.
"Heh heh, victory!" Regina resisted the urge to gloat for the first time ever. "I mean, whatever you think is best, wise Henry."
"Uh, okay, whatever." Emma watched them leave, suspicious as always. "Since when does Henry care who raised him and loved him for ten years?"
"Who cares? With the little weirdo out of the house, I can finally have sex with your old man and get him off my back," Mary Margaret pecked her daughter on the cheek. "You might want to sleep in your car again tonight, though I can't guarantee you won't hear us out there, either."
Over at the Stepford House, Panry was working on his creepy leer. "Ugh, this adorable little face of Henry's just can't pull it off," he grumbled.
Regina barged in, as usual. "You've grown rather freakishly in the past couple of weeks, so your feet will probably hang off the end of the bed, but get in it anyway. Mommy needs her beauty sleep."
"Mom, did you bring your vault over with you?"
"Uh oh, are you coming down with amnesia? There's been a lot of that going around lately." She pressed a hand to his forehead.
"Is that a yes?"
"Why are you incessantly questioning me and prying into my personal affairs? It's not like you at all." Regina had apparently caught the amnesia bug herself.
"I'm worried for my safety."
"Since when, my little suicide junkie?"
"Well, I know Pan's been imprisoned by the unholy force of evil that is Gold's creepy puppets, but don't underestimate him. He's brilliant and powerful and devilishly handsome and not at all middle-aged." The boy's eyes darted around nervously.
"Henry, last time you went in my vault, you nearly got eaten by a two-headed snake."
"Really? Cool!"
Regina tucked her son into bed with a Zoloft cupcake, looking worried. "Son, just eat this and try to get some sleep. I'm going to go call your shrink and ask for a refund."
As soon as she was outside, Henry tossed the cupcake at the ceiling and ran to the window. "Yo, Shady! Get your spectral butt over here, we've got people to mentally abuse!"
The Shadow pried himself off the Jolly Rancher and zoomed through the streets of Storybrooke. "Just remember when you think you're free, the crack in your effing plan is me!"
Prince Charming hacked his way through the forests of beautiful British Columbia. "First she beats me half to death with a rock, then she nearly leaves me to die at the hands of flesh eating trolls, then she leads me on a years-long wild goose chase…and I don't even get any hot sex out of all that? Man, something's wrong with this picture," the quasi-prince grumbled.
Snow was busy leafing through an aged copy of the Medieval Enquirer. "According to this, she lives in a cave nearby, with her seven trophy boyfriends, who are all famous reality TV stars."
"Does it say anything about this petrification curse of hers? Can it be cured with mandrakes, like in Harry Potter?"
"No, the only cure is to kill Medusa, and no one's ever done that."
"Then how do they know?"
Snow shrugged. "Eh, I don't know, the freaky blind kid probably said so. That's the usual explanation for crap that doesn't make any sense around here, right?"
"Can the freaky blind kid explain why you suddenly want to kill Regina after all those times you spared her against my better judgment?"
"No, that's beyond even her capability."
"Well, can you give it a shot, then? I'm really, really confused, here."
"Well, the thing is, I looked up the definition of 'monarch' in the dictionary, and apparently it means someone with a duty to protect their subjects, and not just their own friends and relatives."
"Get out of town, really?"
"And there's also the matter of my father's senseless murder that I never bothered to try her for."
"Oh, right, that." Charming sighed. "Well, in that case, I guess we're stuck. But doesn't beheading some random monster who never did us any harm seem like kind of a convoluted way to go about this? I mean, can't I just stab Regina instead? I look so sexy when I'm holding a sword." He posed for her heroically.
"That's indisputable, but using it doesn't seem to be your strong suit, as you may recall from the wedding." She grabbed him by the belt and hauled him onward. "Now zip it and do as you're told, farm boy."
At the only diner in town, David thoughtfully studied a bite of Granny's lasagna. "I'm pretty sure this has Alpo in it, but it still beats Hook's cooking."
Gold popped out of nowhere, as usual. "I just scored and I'm in a good mood right now, so you can live." He handed the quasi-prince a potion.
David eyed it warily. "I don't know, I think I've finally learned my lesson about going to you for help."
"Your timing couldn't be worse. I'm actually not plotting anything this time. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to, but I can't, on pain of eternal nagging." He gestured to his son and girlfriend. "However, now that we're family, I hope I can count on you to not lock me in a dungeon without provocation again?"
David eyed the sorcerer calculatingly. "I'll make you a deal. I'll promise not to lock you up again if you'll promise to leave me the hell out of your love life from now on." Pouting, Gold retreated, leaving David alone with his drink.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" his wife said expectantly.
"Just heightening the suspense. Besides, knowing him, he probably spit in it." Making a face, he drank the contents of the vial. "Woah, I think there was some Viagra in there, 'cause I'm feeling frisky all of a sudden!" He swept his wife into his arms. "Please tell me you're not going to make me battle an immortal gorgon for the privilege this time."
"No." She pointed to Neal, sitting alone at the next booth. "I'm just going to make you convince Emma to open up her jaded heart and give love a chance."
"Battling the immortal gorgon would be a lot easier. Can I do that instead?"
David found his daughter on the beach, looking tortured. "You know what would solve your crippling emotional problems? A man."
"David, I don't know if you've noticed, but my son is suffering from severe mental health issues, and has gone to live with the woman who horribly abused and finally killed him."
"Yeah, yeah, will you quit harping on it and focus on what's really important here?" He shook her. "Neal may have cruelly impregnated, abandoned and imprisoned you, but you know what he didn't do? Lock you and your loved ones in an abandoned dungeon and leave you to die, slowly and horribly. As your father, I approve of that."
"Did the writers send you?" Emma regarded her father coldly. "Well, you might as well tell them to give up on this stupid love triangle. Nobody's interested in it, not even me."
"Don't make me break out the Charming Family Charm, young lady." He flashed a winning smile. "Comfort mode."
Emma blinked, looking dazed. "Suddenly I feel a lot better."
"That's the spirit." He shepherded her to his truck. "Now, it's time for you to go and find Neal."
"I will find him. I will always find him," she droned mindlessly.
"That's my girl!" He mussed her hair affectionately.
Over at the only hotel in town, Hook was smoldering aimlessly, as usual, when Tink walked by and got caught in the crossfire. "Hey, baby, I hear you lost your magic wand. Want to borrow mine for a while?" He jerked his hips lewdly.
Tink frowned. "I thought you loved Emma?"
Hook frowned. "Wait, I thought I loved Milah?"
"Well, whoever you love, it's definitely not me." She waved him aside. "If you're looking for a casual fling, I'm sure one of your fangirls will be gladly oblige you, but I've got better things to do."
As she brushed past him, the earth rumbled. "Did the earth just move?" the pirate asked. She slapped him. "No, I meant literally!"
He led her outside, where they found Pan's shadow swooping down on the Mother Superior. "Death is our angel and death is our god, killing us all!" it screamed, tearing off her shadow and leaving her dead on the steps.
"Heh heh," said Tink. "I mean, how tragic."
David and Emma arrived on the scene. "Comfort mode!" cried the former, kneeling beside the fallen fairy. "Well, that settles it. If even the Charming Family Charm can't move her, she's definitely dead.
"Why would the shadow kill her?" Tink wondered. "Leroy or I would have made a lot more sense."
Hook shrugged. "Not a clue, but there's only one shadow in the entire world, so this has to be the work of Pan."
Leering had been a bust, so Panry was now attempting to glare with his great-grandson's sweet little face. "It's hopeless," he lamented.
"So is believing in happy endings," said Regina, appearing in her son's doorway. "Speaking of which, RUN!"
"I'll serve as bait," Charming whispered, following his wife into the lair of the gorgon. "I have experience." He jumped out at the beast and flexed his muscles. "Hey, baby, I love what you've done with your hair." Medusa snarled and advanced on him. "Oh gods, it's immune to my charms! We don't have a prayer!"
Snow swung her sword at the monster, and it dissolved. "If we make it out of here alive, remind me to sue that weapons dealer!" She ran to her man's side. "Maybe we should make out. That seems to bring down most villains."
"Now you finally get in the mood?" Charming picked up an abandoned bronze helm, labeled "Property of Percy Jackson," and threw it across the lair. The gorgon ran after it, barking happily, and he was able to drag his wife to the exit.
"What part of 'No Trespassing' do you punk kids not understand?" Medusa roared, catching Snow White in her tentacles and dragging her back.
The princess shook her fist at the creature. "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering gorgon; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee!"
"Yes!" Charming pumped his fist. "My damsel is finally and at long last in distress! I've been waiting for this moment all my life!" Gleefully, he threw the closest object he could find at the monster.
The gorgon released his wife. "Ah! Not the face!" Medusa turned on the quasi-prince with a glare that would put even Regina to shame.
"Aw, great. Please don't tell my friends I died a virgin," Charming pleaded as his flesh hardened into stone.
Charming rolled a very cliché black cloth over the body. "Well, it's not she ever did us any good anyway," he pointed out, trying to look on the bright side. "We probably won't even notice she's gone."
Regina barged in, as usual. "Please tell me you're not going to blame me again."
"No, we all remember what happened last time," David replied. "This was the work of Pan's shadow."
"Don't be absurd. Pan and his shadow are trapped, just like Gold, and my mother, and Cyrus."
"Exactly," said Emma. "We spent the last half hour repeatedly going on about how neither one of them could ever possibly break free of their captivity. We should have known we'd jinx it."
"Two words," Neal piped up. "Magic. Coconut."
"Aw damn, not that ridiculous thing again," Emma groaned.
"See? I told you that handsome devil Pan was unstoppable," Panry sobbed theatrically.
"If Henry's saying it, it must be true," said Mary Margaret fearfully. "Everybody panic!"
"Save me, Mumsy!" Panry latched on to Regina's leg.
Regina looked up at Emma and resisted the urge to gloat for the second time ever. "Sure thing, cupcake. We can go hide out at our super-secret mother-son clubhouse."
Emma watched them confused. "Okay, this is weird. Henry's acting like a child." She took Regina aside. "Have you noticed anything unusual about our little mastermind?"
"If this is about the sudden, unexplained aging, I've already made a doctor appointment for him."
"No, I mean, since when does Henry run to you instead of from you?"
Regina groaned. "Emma, are we really going to go back to fighting over Henry? We did that for two solid seasons, and I think the audience is as sick of it as we are." She shooed her baby mama away. "Make yourself useful and go hit something with a chainsaw." The former queen shepherded her alleged son down the steps. "Come on, cupcake, let's go crawl under the dead guy who bears your name. That'll cheer you up."
"You have no idea." Panry giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron.
"Just wait here and try not to eat anything poisonous," Regina cautioned, stupidly leaving Panry alone in the lower chamber.
The boy grinned and started searching the shelves. "Something tells me that if anyone has the proper tools for mental abuse, it'll be her."
Snow looked at her stony husband calculatingly. "I guess I could always just kiss you, but that gag is really overused. Don't worry, honeymuffin, I'll find an exciting new way free you."
The Queen's genie appeared in the reflective surface of a nearby shield. "Collect call from Queen Regina."
Snow sighed. "I'll accept the charges."
Regina's face replaced his. "Bwa hah hah! I've come to gloat."
"Yeah yeah, what else is new?" her stepdaughter grumbled. "This is all your fault!"
"Actually, this is the one thing that isn't my fault. I'm not the one who decided to spend her wedding night attacking deadly monsters when she could have been in the sack with the hottie she loved." Regina indicated the statue. "I mean, look at him. What are you, gay?"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" wailed Snow, giving the shield and angry kick. "Oh gods, it's really happened. Regina is saner than I am!" She stifled a sob. "Okay, I can have myself a good cry about that later. My damsel needs me." She held up the mirrored shield. "Hey, Medusa, come on out and get me! It's me, Athena!"
"You bitch!" the gorgon screamed, spinning around and catching her reflection in the face. "Ow. You know, I still don't know what I did to make you people hate me so much," she complained as her body turned to stone.
Charming melted back into flesh and blood. "Snow? Oh, thank goodness all the pretty people are okay!" He drew her into his arms.
"You can say that again, no thanks to me. Sorry I got you killed, honeymuffin, but I think it only fair to warn you that it probably won't be the last time." She looked sheepish.
"Eh, no biggie. Sex now?" he asked hopefully.
Belle and Gold were outside the Little Pawnshop of Horrors engaging in some long-awaited Rumbelle fluff, when the Charmings interrupted them, as usual. "Gold! We need to ask you for some help. That never backfires, right?"
"Not now, guys, Belle and I really need to go home and get cracking on that Rumbelle baby our fans are always pestering us for."
"Be nice or I'll muzzle you," Belle threatened.
"I'll be good," said Gold meekly.
"Your old man's playing shadow puppets again, Gold," Emma reported. "We need to take him out of the box and kill him."
"But if you kill him, I'll die too for some reason!"
"What do I care?"
"You make a persuasive case. What's the plan?"
"We're going to take the supervillain with the grudge against us to the edge of that line that obliterates anyone who stumbles across it."
"This is one mistake I won't be making twice." Belle released her boyfriend's hand and walked away. "Nice knowing you, baby."
Gold yanked her back. "You're not going anywhere, dearie! Every time I let you out of my sight, we spend the rest of the season apart." He turned to Emma. "And as for you, you're almost as nuts as I am!"
"Aw, come off it, Gold, you know you can't resist the chance to finally kill that little punk," said Emma.
Gold sighed. "The woman knows me. Get in the car, everyone."
The Charmingstiltskins drove up to the town line, Belle shackled to Gold with Emma's handcuffs and looking very disgruntled about the whole thing. "Don't worry, dearie," he assured her, "as long as we release him on the other side of the line, where's there's no magic, he won't be able to fight back. Unless he steps right back across it. Then we're screwed."
Emma held out her hand for the box. "Okay, I'm going to kill the abusive parent who has tormented and warped you for your entire life, and I want you to promise you won't go off your rocker and swear vengeance like Regina did."
"Hey, who says you get to kill him?" Gold protested. "I've been dreaming about offing my old man for years. I'm kinda like Inigo Montoya in reverse."
"There's no magic over there. What are you gonna do, Gramps, beat him to death with your walker?"
"It's a cane, and it worked fine on Belle's dad." Belle slapped him. "Geez, everyone's against me! Fine, take it." He held out the box, pouting.
Emma readied her chainsaw. "Don't die, okay?" said Mary Margaret tremulously. "There's been enough of that in our family lately."
Gold turned a crank on the side of the box. Pop Goes the Weasel played softly, and another Panry popped out. "Mum? What's with the chainsaw? Are you and Mum-slash-Great-Grandma at it again? I dunno, I think the audience is as sick of that as I am."
"Psst! Try and find out what he did with my mother before you kill him," Gold whispered.
"Stop trying to have me killed, Pop-Pop. It's starting to hurt my feelings a little bit." He turned to Emma. "Mum, it's me, Henry! Grandpan pulled a Freaky Friday on me!"
Emma was skeptical, as usual. "If you're Henry, why the hell do you have a British accent? Language patterns aren't a physical trait."
"It's just lazy acting! I don't deserve to die for it!" he whimpered.
"My name is Rumplestiltskin! You are my father! Prepare to die!" roared Gold, shoving Emma at him.
"I am not!"
"My name is Rumplestiltskin! You are my father! Prepare to die!" He tied on a bib with a picture of a snail and readied his escargot fork.
"Nobody's eating the kid until I damn well say so," said Emma sternly. "I think he may be on to something. Henry's been even acting even creepier than usual today." She eyed the boy calculatingly. "How many boyfriends do I have?"
"One too many."
"And who's your favorite fairy tale character?"
"All of 'em."
"And what's your favorite subject in school?"
"You know perfectly well I don't go to school anymore."
"It's him," said Emma.
"That doesn't prove anything. Pan knows all kinds of obscure personal information about other people that he has no way of or reason for knowing," Mary Margaret pointed out.
Emma tried a different tactic. "Hey Henry, can you smile for us?" Henry flashed his Little Orphan Henry smile. Gold's eyes took on a glazed look, and he conjured the boy a pony. Smiling vacantly, David and Mary Margaret handed over their wallets. "That's my boy!" Emma ruffled her son's hair and glanced uneasily at Gold. "Are you done trying to kill sweet little Henry? Because I think your fans are tired of making excuses for you." Gold sulkily put the fork away.
Henry's other grandparents swept him lovingly into their arms. "Yep, this is definitely my favorite branch of the family," he decided.
"Sorry I trapped you in a box, kiddo," Gold apologized, "but you've got to admit, I'm still a slightly better grandparent than Cora."
"No problem, Pop-Pop," said Henry graciously. "Everyone knows I'm indestructible. I was never all that worried."
David and Mary Margaret exchanged nervous looks. "Well, Pan's on the loose in our hometown. We'd better do something, before he starts hurting characters people actually care about."
Regina eyed her son uneasily. "Henry, you're looking kind of shifty today. I'm worried I might be rubbing off on you."
"Don't be silly." Panry smiled angelically and hugged her leg. "You're my favorite mommy, and coming from someone who has as many as I do, that really means something."
"Oh, Henry, that's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me!" she sobbed blissfully. "I love you!"
"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the last person who said that to me. You're a moron, and you stand in my way." Panry grabbed a vial of laughing gas off the shelf behind her and uncorked it in her face.
Regina crumpled to the floor, giggling helplessly.
"Pushover." He stepped on her face on his way out. "I'm gonna go find Emma, maybe she'll be more of a challenge."
"Oh gods, we're all going to die." Regina chuckled. "It's all over now. Hee hee! I look like an idiot! Hah hah hah! This is so freaking undignified!"
"Sorry we didn't find a way to defeat Regina," said Charming, following his wife back into their secondhand love nest, "although there's always the option of doing exactly what we did the last time we defeated her."
"Nah, we've got more important things to do."
"Like sex?" Charming asked hopefully.
"No, babies."
"We'll need to have sex at least once to make the babies though, right?"
"Yeah."
"Finally!" the quasi-prince cried with relief. "But what's that got to do with Regina? Are you worried she'll steal our child like she does everyone else's?"
"Actually, I was worried she might force us to stuff it in a box to be raised by unfeeling strangers in some foreign land."
Charming laughed. "Oh, Snow, you and your imagination!" He tore off his clothes, stuck the now-wilted rose between his teeth, and splayed himself on the nearest table. "Can we get started now, please?"
Emma called up her baby mama on her cellphone. "You've reached the voice mailbox of Her Majesty. Leave a message at the tone or I will destroy you and everything you hold dear," said the voice on the other line. Emma raised an eyebrow. "I see she hasn't had a chance to change her voicemail greeting since she reformed."
Henry glanced at Gold. "Hey, Pop-Pop? I know that my having to spend the rest of my life in a strange new body would be a really cool plot twist, but it would be an awfully difficult adjustment for me, so as a personal favor, can you try not to kill Jared Gilmore?"
"Fine. Consider it your birthday present."
Henry noticed his father awaiting him by the tomb. "Dad!"
Neal ran to him. "Son!
"You came back from the dead!" they cried in perfect unison.
Neal smiled proudly. "He's a chip off the old block, this one."
Hook glanced impatiently at his wristwatch. "Is it stabbing time yet?"
Emma rattled the door. "Open up, you've won the Publishers' Clearinghouse Sweepstakes." No answer. "Well, I'm out of ideas."
Gold blasted the door with magic, to no avail. "What gives? I thought I was supposed to be the most powerful sorcerer in the universe?" He shook his head. "Looks like I'm going to need some time to rediscover my mad skillz. Why don't you Charmings go drink cocoa or have a heart-to-heart or whatever it is you do when you're not pestering me?"
They chose the second option. "I've never had a problem I couldn't solve by chainsawing it." Emma dove into her father's arms. "I'm in over my head!"
"There there, comfort mode," David soothed. "You've never lost a fight before and I'm sure you're not about to start now."
"I don't know, I'm getting sick and tired of all this constant victory and acclaim," Emma whined. "Can't I just go be an accountant or something?"
"Over my dead body!" Mary Margaret was aghast.
"But I miss my old life, the one where I was friendless and miserable and orphaned and living in an empty room with only a tear-soaked cupcake for company!"
Mary Margaret patted her daughter's cheek. "Honey, when was the last time you slept?"
"Guys, quit bonding and get over here!" Tinkerbell hollered. "Gold finally remembered he's all-powerful!"
They ran into the tomb, and found Regina still laughing on the floor, a shoeprint on her face. "This is so humiliating!" she giggled. "Tee hee! I wish I was dead!"
"Your mother," said Hook helpfully.
Regina stopped laughing and her eyes welled up with tears. "Thanks, I think," she sniffled. "Oh, I should have known something was up when Henry started acting scared. The damn kid died twice, and he never so much as flinched. And Emma was right about him running to me instead of from me."
"Not entirely," said Henry-in-Pan's-body, throwing his arms around her neck. "You know I cahn't resist you when you're vulnerable, Mum."
Regina pulled back and gave him an odd look. "Dude, what's with the accent?"
"Never mind that glaring inconsistency, we've got bigger problems right now," Gold reported, indicating an empty shelf. "That jerk Pan took my WMD."
"So what? Kissing will fix it," said Regina dismissively.
"Kissing fixes everything," Mary Margaret agreed.
"Not this time, I'm afraid."
In the ecologically-inaccurate woodlands above Storybrooke, Felix was grinning contentedly. "Ah, first I escape from jail, then I get a starlit night at Makeout Point with my pookie." He embraced Pan tenderly. "Could this day get any better?"
Pan shoved him away. "Not now, damn it!" He held up the scroll with the curse on it. "I have the curse that took everyone to this town, wiped their memories, and made their lives a living hell for twenty-eight years, with only one bar available to numb their pain—"
"Yeah, yeah, I saw the pilot. What's your point?"
"My point," said Gold, "is that Pan's even sicker than Regina, and you saw what she did with it. Plus, Emma can't save us this time, and doesn't seem to want to, either."
"Darn right," said Emma. "Besides, why would I need to? We're already living in Storybrooke, and isn't that punishment enough?"
"Oh, probably," said Panry. "But the curse will make it even worse."
Felix gasped. "Are you sure that's humanly possible?"
"Watch and learn, little buddy!" Pan giggled evilly, which should have been an oxymoron. "It's gonna be Season One on steroids!"
