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Chapter Forty Four
I am figuring out how to cope with Spencer being gone. It's been all I can do not to put Amelia in bed with me, but I've been managing. She's sleeping through the night. Not that it helps my case because I've barely been sleeping at all. I just curl up in Spencer's robe and pray for him to come back every second that he's gone. I've started smoking again, pot and cigarettes. And I've been eyeing the dilaudid bottle that's still hidden in the bottom of my purse. Whenever I get the urge, I try to just sit beside the crib and look at Amelia's face to keep myself grounded. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm terrified to tell Spencer. I know that he has been trying desperately to convince me that he's not going to leave. It's not been working. The harder he tries, the more frustrated I feel like he becomes with me. And I know that he just wants me to chill out but I can't. I don't want this to be our breaking point. What's worse is I don't want him to think I'm mentally unstable- like his mother. I jump when I hear my phone ring. It's Spencer.
"Hey," I whisper.
"Hey baby, is Amelia down for the night?"
"Yeah. Yeah she went to sleep about an hour ago."
"Then what are you even still doing up?"
"I just can't sleep. I miss you." My voice cracks and I have to cover my mouth. I can't tell him that every moment he's away with her I imagine her making advances. The thought makes my stomach turn and I try to take subtle deep breaths.
"Ashleigh. Get to the computer and video conference me."
"Why," I choke out.
"Because I know you're having a panic attack."
"No. I don't want you to see my like this."
"Baby please-"
"I gotta go. Amelia is stirring." I hear him say 'I love you' as I'm hanging up the phone. The 'you' is thick with emotion and I know he's crying now, which makes me feel even worse. I get a text from JJ. They're coming home. I go out into the living room so I don't disturb Amelia and I wrap his afghan around myself. Why is she the first to tell me? I lay on the couch and stare at the wall for what feels like hours until there's a knock at the door.
"Ashleigh. Honey, it's Penelope. Open up."
"Go away!"
"I have a key."
"Well then I guess come in! You're going to anyways!" She enters the apartment and finds me curled in a ball on the couch. The sink is piled high with dishes and bottles. The pump was a good idea. I can't get Amelia to latch here lately. Just another fuck up.
"Ashleigh honey, when was the last time you ate?"
"I don't know."
"When was the last time you slept?"
"The night before they left."
"Honey they've been gone for three days."
"Sounds about right."
"You need to get some rest. I can stay and take care of Amelia."
"No! I can take care of my daughter."
"I wasn't insinuating that you can't. I was just suggesting that I help you. You look exhausted."
"I can't close my eyes."
"Why?"
"Because every time I close my eyes, I see Spencer in JJs arms."
"You know that would never happen."
"It could."
"No it couldn't. Have you talked to Spence about this?"
"No. I don't want him to think I'm not able to take care of myself."
"You really need to communicate with him."
"I can't. There are things that I can't tell even him."
"Then tell me."
"You have to swear to me that you won't tell him."
"Can I tell him that I'm worried depending on what you tell me?"
"Yes. But no details."
"I've been wanting to try dilaudid. I know that I can't. I know that I have to be strong. But the craving is there."
"I need to call Spencer."
"No! Don't do it. Please Penelope. Please don't. I'm begging you."
"He needs to know!"
"I'll tell him! When he comes home! I'll tell him."
"You are clinically depressed."
"I feel fine when Spencer is with me."
"Okay then you have separation anxiety. You two need to talk it out."
"We will." She pulls out her phone and calls Spencer.
"Hey Reid. Yeah, she's okay. I think she's having some PPD. Yeah I will. Umm. Maybe you should tell her. Okay. Bye."
"They're coming home. He said to have you call him asap."
"Okay," I pull out my phone and Spencer answers on the first ring.
"Hey sweetie. I'm coming home."
"I know."
"I want you to let Garcia stay with you until I get there."
"I know."
"Are you high right now?"
"A little." I swear I can hear steam coming out of his ears.
"I'll be home soon. Please wait up so we can talk."
"K."
"I love you."
"Love you more." We hang up and I curl up back on my end of the couch. Garcia just sits with me and rubs my hand reassuringly.
...
