Christine could hear her words echoing around her. Once she let it out, once the words were spoken, there would be no going back. Yes, she would be free but all freedom comes with a price.
"Angel, my heart is burdened."
He took her hand and kissed her knuckles. "Unburden your pain to me. Let me bare it with you. You are no longer alone. There is no my pain or your pain, only our pain. Trust me." He let his chin rest on her head to allow easier access to caress his face. "Touch me."
She did. She couldn't resist his plea, and she did it more for her than for him. She needed to feel him. "It's not you, Erik…It's me. What if I am not ready to hear it? I've spent so long suppressing my past. I've covered it up, lied about it, tried to hide and deny it, but as with all secrets, it is only a matter of time before they reveal themselves and when they do….. They come back with a vengeance."
Erik gently moved his fingers back and forth down her arm. "Do you remember when I told you that you were no longer a victim?"
She didn't make a sound, nor did she acknowledge his question.
"Christine, look at me."
Her instant reaction was to run. She knew Erik wanted...deserved full disclosure. She didn't think she could do it but the slightest touch of his hand on her back, drove all thoughts of leaving from her mind. "I'm still a victim, Angel."
"Not once you've confronted your fears head on. No more will you be at its mercy. Your freedom is within grasp."
"You're saying that once I tell you, you'll be able to provide it to me?" She looked up at him hopefully.
"No, darling. You will have claimed it yourself."
She was pensive and unsure. Could she do this? Did she really have it in her? Erik seemed to think so. If he believed in her, shouldn't she? "What if I am not strong enough to get through this? I am not even sure you can save me from this."
"Christine, I will help you, I will support you and I will always love you, but I can't save you. As much as I wish I could and would die trying, the truth is that you are not a child that needs saving. You are woman who must confront and seek her answers, before she can save herself."
"How?" She reminded him of that eight year old girl he found begging her father how she would know once her Angel of Music had come to her.
"You can save yourself by granting forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary in order to love the one person who deserves your love most of all." He took her hand and placed it over her heart. "You."
"What if you…..What if I…."
Erik brought her close to him. Maybe this will work. "You know this may sound silly, but I have been known to say silly things from time to time."
She looked up at him oddly. "Silly isn't a word that I would use to describe you."
"Yes, well… I read romance novels at times and…..Well in this particular story." He looked down to see her expression. "Silly, right?"
She gave a weak smile. "What was the story?"
"A dismal plot, but in the book the couple had a quarrel and when they were reunited to work things out, they agreed to tell each other everything, no matter how hurtful or painful. When one of them feared that what was going to be said or heard would cause the other pain, they would hold on to one another tighter. A symbol, showing that no matter what, nothing would be so terrible they couldn't love one another through or be able to move past."
"They radiated strength from one another?"
"Indeed." He open his arms wide."Shall we try? We are far stronger than any fictional romance couple in a novel."
She spoke her answer by enveloping her body to his. Erik smiled but knew the next part would not be so easy on either one of them.
"You said I trusted Raoul. I did. You said I loved him. I didn' was a childhood friend and when he first came back into my life, I remembered all the sweet memories we shared with my papa. When you disappeared from my life, I felt abandoned and alone. I was so confused and he was there. I didn't think I could remain at the Opera House without you. I knew I would always feel this heavy burden of loss wondering what I did to drive you away." She shook her head. If only I had known then what loss really was. I would have gladly stayed and tried harder to win your favor back. "We left the moment I agreed to become his wife. I didn't even have time to say goodbye."
Erik held her tighter. The moment she felt his grasp, she realized that speaking of Raoul in such a way, and revealing her thoughts of abandonment by him, made him feel guilty all over again."Erik, please. I didn't mean…."
"We said to be honest, no matter what cost. I am merely cursing my pride. If I had only…."
"And if Antoinette had been honest with both of us and if I hadn't been so afraid of my deeper feelings for you…. Please, don't. I meant all this to tell you that love was never a part of the equation. Maybe I loved him as a dear friend but I never loved him the way a woman should when she is accepting a man's proposal."
"This isn't about me. My self –loathing shall not take over this discussion."
She held him tighter. "This embrace is out of want, not need. I refuse to have you blame yourself for any part of what I am about to tell you. You can be the cause for the redemption but not the sin."
He held back a tear. "Continue, my Angel."
"Right from the beginning it felt wrong. There were no lessons, no studies, and no dance numbers to rehearse. I felt idle and desperately needed things to occupy my days. Raoul was always away on business or some government affairs. At night, I wanted to spend time with him to learn of what he did and to have him help me get better acquainted with the staff and the proper ways of doing things. But he only wanted to….."
I'll kill him. Erik did his best to remain stoic in their embrace. He could not have Christine pause again for his own feelings. "So he showed….. Affection." He wanted to throw up at his choice of words, but he had to make her feel comfortable.
"I'm not sure if affection was the correct word. Perhaps aggressiveness? He would try and I would refuse him. I laughed it off, feeling flattered at his overzealous behavior, but really I didn't want any part of it. Not any. His kisses left me cold and I tried, I really tried to be more receptive, but the more he would push forward, the more I would retreat. He would become so angry and storm out of the room, leaving me to my thoughts. I thought it was natural. I had heard that men tended to need more….Affection and women must endure it. I never knew anything different that is until my thoughts went to you."
"Me?"
"The very feelings I was afraid of seemed to come flooding back to me almost comparing my fantasies of you with my reality with Raoul." She blushed and was thankful Erik couldn't see her. "It was only when we began courting that I knew why I never felt anything for him, even before his violence. Our kisses….. Our playfulness. The passion it stirs inside me. I had those feelings for you when I thought you were an Angel, and now as a man…. Back then, I was scared of those emotions. With Raoul there was no fear. It was very calm and robotic. Maybe that's another reason why I left with him? When he stopped coming to see me at night, I felt relieved. Even after the rumors circulated that he was with other women. I didn't care. I was grateful I wouldn't have to refuse him and deal with his anger.
The days were long and drawn out. The staff was cold and distant. On the occasion Raoul would be home and in a mood to talk, I approached the subject but he would tell me to not accept any disobedience. I was the lady of the house and they needed to mind me." She shuttered. "They way he would treat them or talk about them as if he were raising cattle. I didn't know how to be authoritative. I was a poor musician's daughter from Sweden. In other circumstance, I could have been the maid or the cook."
Erik saw red. The Vicomte had Christine as his and she willing wore his ring. Instead of being her partner and confidant, he ignored her and insulted her honor by attempting to… He couldn't say it. He then made her a laughing stock as he cheated on her with whores. Erik closed his eyes to suppress his rage.
"One day, Raoul suggested I attend an afternoon soirée and meet other ladies of proper stature. He didn't want my bringing up my theatre friends any longer. These ladies, he said could help me fit in to this new lifestyle. It wasn't until I was to leave in the carriage, that I found out Raoul wouldn't be accompanying me.
Erik, they were vicious and cruel women. The way they treated their staff…..The way they treated others as if they were things, if they were not in their social status. It was so pompous and full of false motives. I couldn't wait to leave. I waited up for Raoul to tell him about my day, only to find him engaged with Phillip. After hours of waiting I retired to bed, but was thirsty. When I went downstairs for a glass of water, I heard them."
"What did you hear, my dear?"
She held him tighter, so tight Erik thought his lungs would break, but didn't dare break the hold.
"They were laughing." She started to cry soft tears. "Laughing about me. Phillip wanted Raoul to end our engagement, and Raoul seemed annoyed that I wasn't like the other theatre girls he had heard about. They thought I was using him. That's when they both made disgusting comments about having their way with me. They even got into a dispute over Philip wanting to show Raoul would a real man would do."
I will kill each of them slowly. I will take immense pleasure at planning my attack and neither will see it coming. He had to snap out of his anger and focus on Christine. He closed his eyes. "What….What happened then?"
She began crying once again. "I panicked. I know I should have run, but I didn't. I didn't think of anything except grabbing a knife and locking my bedroom door. Why, Erik? Why didn't I run away? I could have left .Why did I stay?" Her face was red, and she clung to Erik closer. She was so afraid of what he was thinking.
"Shh…. Angel."
"Wasn't that danger? Why didn't I see the warning signs and flee?"
Erik ran his fingers through her curls. It was a reflex reaction. He found that it calmed him and in that moment, he was relieved that it seemed to have the same effect on her. "Angel, you were scared and the thought of you running away in the middle of the night without anyone to turn to, would not have been sensible. You left and took action by taking the knife and locking your door. You needed time to think."
"It was a warning and I ignored it! I deserved what happened!"
"Christine, No! You were not at fault. Raoul was, not you." He continued to stroke her curls and finally he could hear her breathing return to normal. "You were unhappy, hurt and confused. I think you were just trying to rationalize the situation and still find a way to talk to Raoul..." Turd stain… "To see if you both could still be friends and end things gracefully."
Christine didn't respond, but continued her story. "The night it happened…." She paused but then went on. "We had gotten back from supper and we both realized it wasn't going to work. I wanted my freedom and I returned his ring. Suddenly he became enraged, saying that he was the one who would denounce me and end our engagement. He wouldn't be walked out on by a common whore. I couldn't have cared less what any of that would have meant for me and my future. I just wanted to leave. So I agreed that he ended it and passed him on the staircase. Erik, it was as if he was a different person. He started to shout at me and tried to hit me. I ran and he followed. I barely made it up the stairs, when I ran to my room and when he came towards me; I stabbed his hand with the knife I had hidden.
He then threw me to the bed and my head hit the bedpost. That's all I remember. I woke up naked, and tied to the bed. My clothes were gone and…." She was crying so hard, Erik's shirt was wet from her sobs. "It was in that moment that I knew." Her voice was muffled by the tears, but there was no mistaking the words. "I knew I had been raped."
Erik clung to Christine with everything he had. He could feel his insides explode. He beat her and took her unconscious? My torture chamber is not sufficient enough to provide the proper amount of pain I will bestow on that bastard. I will first soak his undergarments in meat. Then I will find a dog infected with rabies and allow him to gnaw on the Vicomte's genitals until they fall off. Then I will drug him, and strip him down, beat him unconscious and kill him in front of his worthless brother. Only Christine's touch pulled him out of his plans. He breathed and spoke calmly, counting inside his head.
"My Christine, it's over. The nightmare had ended and you have won." He began to rock her back and forth. "You faced these memories head on. They can no longer define you. I'm here and I will always be here, for as long as you wish it. Christine, I love you."
She pulled away and looked at him. Her face was wet with her tears. "He rapped me over and over again. Erik, I was drugged, and beaten. I was denied washing and I suffered pain below…." She buried her face in her hands.
Erik gently pulled them away. "Never hide your face from me. You are as clean and as pure as the morning dew. There is no shame, Angel."
Her voice was low. "I wished for death. I thought I was dead, until Philip came into the room one day and noticed my stomach was bigger."
Erik wanted nothing more than to go to the de Chagny's estate and finish them both off tonight. The thought of those two serpents ogling my Christine, violating her dignity in such a way. I can wait until she is asleep and…No. I can't leave her. She came first, then her revenge.
She looked at him, for he must not have heard what she said. "Erik, I was with child."
He froze. "Child?"
"Phillip ordered an abortion. I…."
Erik cradled her in his arm. "It's alright my Angel. It's alright. You can stop. You don't have to go on. You are not to blame."
"Don't you see Erik? I am. I am to blame. The abortion brought my escape. Yes, it was forced upon me but I...I felt relief. I wanted his seed out of me. I couldn't have had that rapist's child. A reminder of the sin and the shame. I couldn't love that. I wanted it dead!" She was shaking frantically and bordering on hysteria.
"Can you love me now, Angel? Can you love me now that I killed a baby? Knowing that God will seek his wrath upon me for accepting this sin, how can you still love me? Is that what you wanted me to say? I killed my baby! I killed my baby and I felt nothing!"
