|* Hey,
is it too late to give a warning for depressive contents?
- Jenny: proud of you! :* And I know you will make it!
Well, to be honest, I have no clue how many chapters I will write from now on (5 or 6 or maybe more) ...
And yes, sorry that you won't get a 'happy end', but believe me, it will get cute.
Thanks for everything
x aida *|
Blaine contracts his brows and drops his gaze. The person in front of him stutters, sobs and mumbles a few things. It's not that Blaine would listen. It's not that he is able to. After a while, he feels a hand on his shoulder and all he can do, is to slap it away and turn around, slowly. Everything around him is so stifling and confining, painful. Breathing is painful.
He walks to Kurt's room and opens the door, he didn't think about why he does so and as he entered the room and catches a sight of Kurt, who managed to stand up and sits on his bed now, he regrets it.
For one second, Blaine holds Kurt's gaze. He is still sweaty and extremely pale and seems to be very exhausted, but he recognizes Blaine's expression and feels how the pain in his stomach grows. Kurt drops his gaze and starts to cry, feeling deeply ashamed. Ashamed that he lied to his boyfriend, that he tried to act a part until the end and that he's ill at all.
Why? Why?
Blaine puts on shoes and a jacket, avoiding looking at the sobbing boy, who seems to be broken. Broken like a porcelain doll.
While he starts to cry, he grips his car keys and walks out of the room, walking downstairs. Kurt realized that he left the room and feels suddenly afraid that he also wants to step out of his life. His short, complex life without a happy end.
Blaine, Kurt screams in his mind and jumps up. He feels how the heat comes back, how he starts to feel dizzy again. It's just too much. Everything is too much, hurts so much. And actually, Kurt didn't think that he would stand within the next minutes, he didn't think that someone could make him so.
But losing Blaine is the worst thing he could ever think of. Even worse than losing his voice, or his life.
Without hesitation and shaky-legged, he walks downstairs and reaches the door, just in the moment when the headlight is on and Blaine is about to drive away in his car. Kurt is blinded by the light, but takes a few more steps out of the house, before he collapses.
"Kurt," Burt screams and runs to him, stroking his back and trying to help him up, what is hard to since all Kurt does is staring at the car and at the door, who slowly opens.
Blaine wanted to leave, needed to escape somehow. Be somewhere he doesn't have to think about what he just heard, but then he saw him. Kurt, who always runs after him, no matter how bad he feels, so Blaine stopped the car and got out.
He walks to him, facing the ground and opens his mouth, but only a sobbing escapes, so he swallows hard and tries it again.
"Need a moment," he breathes and buries his hands in his jacket, not able to hold his tears back. Kurt, still kneeling on the ground, reaches out his arm to Blaine, who stares at it for a moment and drops his gaze again.
"Ju-just a few hours," he mumbles and turns around.
Burt feels how Kurt's whole body tenses when Blaine turns around. He feels how his son starts trembling, by watching his boyfriend walking away and he can't believe it as Kurt, sweaty, and looking absolutely ill, tries to get up, still reaching out his hand.
Blaine.
Kurt can't move his legs, holding his arm is painful enough, but he has to stand up. He lets his hands sink on the ground and leans forward to lean onto his arms, but he loses all his strength now, collapsing in his dad's arms.
"It's okay," this one whispers, still stroking the trembling body. "Just let him go."
In tears, Kurt shakes his head, but can't move something else, so he is forced to watch how his boyfriend gets into his car and drives away.
When Kurt wakes up, he doesn't know where he is. The room he is in, seems to be so familiar, but he doesn't know it. It's so empty and cold, dark and he needs a while to realize that he's in his own room. In his own bed.
His eyes meet the bed stand where Blaine's favourite hair gel is. The jar just stands there, as if it wants to mock Kurt, wanting him to remember what he lost.
He starts crying again, thinking of Blaine and looks to the clock. It's shortly before 11p.m. and Kurt feels how his body trembles. He can't control it, it was suddenly there, along with the urge to take a knife and end the misery of them all, before it gets worse.
He won't come back.
I'm sure he will never come back.
Suddenly, someone opens the door and he thought that it would be his dad, but it's someone else.
Blaine keeps standing in the door frame, looking horrible with that tearstained face. He stares at Kurt, who can't stop sobbing, although he feels really relieved now.
"I," Blaine starts, but loses the strength to speak and snivels instead.
With all his might, Kurt sits up and realizes that his dad must have changed his clothes, because he wears clean, warm sweatpants and a sweater.
He looks up to Blaine again, who closes the door and doffs his shoes slowly. Kurt faces the ground again, feeling the pain in his heart more than in his stomach.
I'm so sorry Blaine.
"How long-" His voice breaks again and Kurt feels how he sits down on the bed, next to him, with some space between them, so that they don't touch each other.
"How much time do we have?"
Kurt looks to Blaine who stares at the ground and breaths heavily. Hesitantly, Kurt takes his notebook and writes it down. It feels weird that Blaine is here, next to him. He thought he would've gone forever.
A few months or weeks, maybe days.
His eyes linger on Blaine's face while this one reads the note. Kurt feels remembered in the way he stared at him shortly before he drove away, hours ago. He looked heartbroken, same as now.
Blaine's response is a low sobbing and Kurt's stomach feels another stitch, causing him to lay his hands on it.
Without warning, Blaine jumps up and places himself in front of his boyfriend.
"I want you to write a list," he starts and wipes his tears away. "A list with all your wishes and your ... dreams. All you ever wanted to do since you were a little child."
Blaine scans Kurt's crying face and takes a deep breath as he notices that he doesn't write.
"I'm serious, you will write everything down, no matter how expensive it may be. A trip to Disneyland or I don't know," he breaths heavily again, trying to blink back his tears while he runs his fingers through his curls.
"We will work all notes off and don't you," he loses control, starts sobbing and sinks on his knees, laying his hands on Kurt's thighs. His boyfriend grips the pen, but doesn't know where to start.
"And don't you dare to die before we're through with that damn list."
Now, Kurt is the one who can't hold back. He was crying ever since he woke up, but now his shoulders start to quake and he sobs even more, not knowing what to do.
He buries his face in his hands and feels how Blaine sits up and lays his arms around him, slightly stroking his back.
"So sorry fo-" his voice turns also into a sobbing, but he tries to regain his composure.
"Sorry for driving away, earlier."
Blaine lays his head upon Kurt's hands, which are still covering his face.
"I just needed a moment."
Kurt lowers slowly his hands, holds Blaine's frantic gaze, drops his head again and writes something.
Thought you were done with me.
Blaine raises his brows and stands up, feeling hurt.
"Seriously, it's annoying and scathing that you question my feelings for you ... like that. You do that always ... stop with that shit!"
You looked so heartbroken – the sobbing boy holds out.
"I AM heartbroken," Blaine yells and drops his head, while he crosses his arms. Kurt doesn't know what to do, he has the feeling that the whole room deflates him. It's silent for a while.
"Could it be that you already wrote such a list? That you wanted to meet Alice and my dad and go to Paris, because of ... our time limit?"
Kurt nods hesitantly and thinks about how nice it was to say OUR time, instead of YOUR.
But I didn't wrote anything down, it was just the will to be more – fun – somehow.
"I wished you would've been the one who told me," Blaine whispers and looks to Kurt's notebook.
To do list (before I die)
- being hugged by my boyfriend
His heart skips a beat, but he walks to Kurt's bed, sits down and lays his arm around him.
"What else," he asks, feeling how his heart breaks with every minute they deal with that issue, causing it to feel more real.
- wanting him to forgive me that I've been a dork and didn't tell him the truth because I thought I could hide that fact up to the last minute
Blaine sighs and strengthens his grip around the less trembling body.
"That could take a time, but I'm trying to."
Kurt tilts his head to the left, where Blaine's is and leans against his body. He was so scared of that moment, scared of him knowing the truth. And seeing how he drove away, broke Kurt's already damaged heart even more.
It's been exactly how he thought it would be. Blaine left him and was (still is) angry and sad, but never, not in one single nightmare, it ended up that Blaine came back.
But he did.
"Tell me everything," Blaine breathes to Kurt's forehead and receives a – Not now – as a reply.
Kurt feels that Blaine takes a deep breath, trying to stay calm.
"Come," he means after a while. "Let's lie down."
Kurt nods his head and slides back, to the wall and watches how Blaine stands up and walks to the wardrobe. He changes his clothes and gets into the bed, snuggling his body against Kurt's. They switched off the light, but none of them is able to sleep.
How could they?
"I know I never told you that, but," Blaine starts sometime and pulls Kurt a bit closer to him, stroking his boyfriend's arm.
"I wanted to marry you. Someday, when we're older of course. I wanted you to be my family, put a ring on your finger, letting you put a ring on my finger, showing the world that we belong together."
Kurt can't stop crying, and he wonders that Blaine doesn't cry at all. He talked slowly and his voice sounded strong, somehow.
Blaine stopped crying after a while and stared into the dark distance. He can barely see his boyfriend's contours, since they're clouds in front of the moon. He reached that point where he hadn't enough tears, or the strength to cry.
He just feels dead and empty inside.
It sounds weird, but if he had to express what he feels, he'd say he is too sad to cry.
"We will stop going to school. There are other things to do, things which are more important."
Kurt leans over Blaine and switches on the light, it hurts in his eyes for a moment, but then he finds his notebook and writes a note, which he shows to Blaine.
I understand that you don't want me to go to school any longer.
I already thought about that, but you should still go.
"You don't want to spend your last days with me?"
Kurt sighs, but starts to notice Blaine's gaze. He is still sad, but his eyes aren't watery, they're empty.
You need to graduate.
Suddenly, Blaine turns off the light again and feels how his boyfriends lays down next to him.
"You're right," he says to soothe him, although he doesn't see it this way. Okay, he will go to school, if that's what Kurt wants, but he doesn't need to graduate.
As he drove along a country road and cried like a girl, he made the decision to don't watch how they will lower the coffin with his dead boyfriend in it.
He wouldn't be able to look at a box, knowing that all he ever loved and cared about is in there, beyond reach for the rest of his life.
He won't exist one single day without Kurt.
And if he can't help his love, can't save him, then he will at least stay by his side, until and beyond his death.
And make out of HIS funeral THEIRS.
