45.
Setting: Season 4, Episode 6 "With an X"
Rating: T
Jax rode away from the new CaraCara studios with a bad taste in his mouth, and it wasn't just from that rancid whore's kiss. He didn't like what he had just done. He was never the guy that lay hands on a woman. That wasn't who he was. But he hated even more that it had kinda felt good. He'd made that mess, he'd screwed up when he took Ima to bed, but she was the stupid slut that rubbed it in Tara's face. She made the hurt worse for his girl, and then she came back for more. She pulled a gun on his mother, on Tara, and Thomas was in the room. Shit, the whore should be thankful she's still alive. Even with all the sins she had committed against his family, he'd taken more pleasure in putting her down then he should have.
Jax stopped at a liquor store on the way home, bought a small bottle of Jack and took a large swig before spitting it out on the ground. Still the taste lingered in his mouth, so he took another. He never swallowed the burning liquid. Just let it swirl around his mouth til all he could feel was the tingling burn of the alcohol, then tossed the bottle, got back on his bike and headed home.
Tara was still pissed, he was sure of that, so he pulled up slowly, took his time walking in the door. When he stepped inside he could see Tara in the kitchen cleaning up. The table cloth was covered in blood, her bag was sitting on the chair, and he could now see that what she was cleaning up was the equipment she'd used to patch up Juice. Jax closed his eyes and tried not to sigh. While he'd been taking care of the mess he'd made, she'd been here patching up his brother. He was causing pain, she was taking it away. It seemed to be the never ending cycle of their lives. Like a merry-go-round they were stuck on. All he did was bring pain to everything and everyone around him, while her life was all about relieving the pain and suffering of others. She'd always been able to cure his.
"Hey" His husky voice whispered into the quiet evening. He knew she was aware of his presence, but she'd never once turned or acknowledged it any way.
"Hey" She whispered back and the distance in her voice threatened to break him. He needed her in his arms, needed to feel her body against his and her skin beneath his fingertips. To know that she was there, she was his, he hadn't lost her.
"If I try to touch you right now, will you let me?" Jax took a step away from the doorway he'd been leaning against into the kitchen.
"That depends." Tara murmured as she moved over to the sink to wash her hands.
"On?"
"On where you try to touch me." Her voice was even, but the warning was clear. She may be able to live with a lot of things in his world, but today brought back into focus a part of that world Tara would never be ok with. Today brought back the day she'd stood in his door way, pregnant with his child, and had her heart shattered. If he tried to love up on her now, all he'd get for his effort would be a black eye and more than likely a swollen and very sore groin.
"I just want to hold you."
Jax stepped up behind her, she didn't move, so he slipped his arms around her waist tentatively. When she still didn't protest, Jax pulled Tara's back against his chest, his forehead dropping to her shoulder. Turning his face into her neck he inhaled deeply the scent that was unmistakably Tara and everything he'd ever known to be home.
"You know how much I love you?" Jax whispered against the shell of her ear and revelled as she shivered in his arms.
"I know you love me." Tara whispered softly, staring blankly ahead at the window. He hadn't seen her face since earlier that afternoon and he missed her face. He wanted her to turn, to look up at him with those eyes that always held her entire heart in their chocolate depths.
"That's not what I asked." He growled softly, his arms tightening around her. "I love you more than anything in the world. I would do anything for you."
"I know that." Tara whispered softly, her hands rising to cover his over her stomach.
"You're everything babe. And I'm so sorry you had to go through that today."
"I don't want to have to deal with that shit again Jax." Tara whispered and her voice quivered slightly. It would have been barely discernable if not for the utter silence in the room. Jax turned her around and finally could gaze upon her beautiful face. But her eyes remained shut; she was still denying him that.
"You won't have to. It's taken care of." Jax whispered as he reached to cup her face, but Tara pulled back before he could make contact, her eyes opening quickly and looking up at him wide and slightly scared.
"What does that mean?"
"She's not an issue, and she never will be again." His eyes didn't leave hers; he wouldn't break eye contact with her over this. He was not ashamed. He'd done this for her, for them, for their family.
"Like Kohn?" Tara whispered and this time the fear was undeniable, this side of Jax scared the shit out of her. He knew it, and he hated that she ever saw it, that she was continually exposed to it. But this time... this time he hadn't taken it that far.
"No. She's still breathing." He tried not to notice the relief that washed over her face. That despite her hate of this woman, Tara didn't want another life on their hands. More blood was not something she wanted.
"And the next one?" She asked dropping her gaze from his again and Jax wanted to pull her face up so she couldn't look away from him, couldn't deny him her eyes. But he kept his arms loosely around her waist, if he couldn't have her gaze, he would at least have her in his arms.
"There won't be a next one." He promised vehemently. This was not a mistake he would make twice. He would learn from this betrayal he perpetrated on the love of his life and never commit such a sin against her and their family again.
Silence fell in the small room again and Jax feared the words that would next fall from her lips. A thousand words swam in his head, all different combinations of the same fear. What if this had been her last straw? What if today had been too much and Tara decided she couldn't do it anymore. What if this was goodbye. When Tara finally spoke Jax found himself holding his breath. "When she pulled that gun today, I wanted her dead." Her voice was a mere whisper, but the shame that resonated in it was louder than a 21 gun salute. But any shame in this situation was not hers.
"Me too." Jax whispered back and watched with relief as she raised her head to look into his eyes.
"Thomas was there Jax. She pulled a gun with our son there." The tears welled in her eyes, the fear ever present. If something had happened to their son she would have never forgiven him. He was silent; there was nothing he could say to that. The words she hadn't spoken still lingered in the air, and she was right. Their child had been in serious danger, because he'd brought this woman into their lives. The shame was written all over his face. But like every other time he'd done something, was responsible for something, which he was ashamed of, Jax couldn't hold her eyes and for the first time tonight it was him who looked away. He dropped his gaze.
"I really wanted to hit you today. To cause you pain." Tara whispered as she stared at his downturned head.
"You could have, I wouldn't have stopped you."
"Would have been long overdue." She paused and Jax couldn't take it anymore, he had to look at her, see for himself what she was feeling, what she was thinking. When he looked upon her face he saw the fierce mother she was always meant to be. The woman who could make the likes of Gemma Teller quake. "You brought that into our lives. First with CaraCara and then when... I've tried really hard to put all this shit behind me so we can move on and be a real family, but seeing her today. I hated you again."
"I'm sorry." His whispered. It wasn't enough but it was all he had. He couldn't take it back, couldn't make it right. All he could do was apologise. Every day for the rest of their lives if that's what it took.
"Are you?" Tara spat.
"You know I am. You know I would go back and do things differently if I could. That I hate that I hurt you." He pleaded for her to understand, to know that this was his biggest regret. Of all the horrible things he'd done and been a part of, it was this he regretted most. The pain he caused her and their family with his callous actions.
"You've never actually said sorry."
"What?"
"You never apologised."
"I'm sorry for that too... You gotta know babe."
"Oh yeah, I know." Her sarcasm was biting as she pulled away from him. "It's been a long day and I'm tired, I'm going to bed." As she stepped past him Jax knew he couldn't just let her walk away.
"Should I just go ahead and make myself a bed on the couch then?" He called before she could step out of the kitchen and into the hall.
"You do anything today to warrant that?" She asked with a narrow look over her shoulder.
"That depends." She raised her eyebrows at him, clearly not enjoying him throwing her words back at her. "What you think deserves couch time."
"Don't be cute Jackson." Tara snapped and Jax dropped his head. He hadn't intended to piss her off. It seemed today just wasn't his day.
"Tara, please tell me we're going to be ok. I can't... Please babe." He didn't want them to go to bed angry. To have this horrible day turn into a really big problem in their relationship. He wanted to fight it out and make up and get over it. It was an over simplification of an extremely complicated problem, and he knew it was unrealistic, but that didn't stop him from wishing it could all be that simple.
"Come to bed Jax, it's late." Tara's soft voice reached his ears and forced his head up. He saw the exhaustion on her face, but the love was still in her eyes. He released a sigh of relief only now realising just how frightened he'd been that it was gone.
Jax followed Tara down the hall to their bedroom. He watched silently as she went about getting changed and ready for bed. He watched her crawl into bed, curling up on her side and facing the window. With a heavy sigh, Jax stripped his clothes off, remembering to keep his boxer shorts on now that Abel was capable of coming into the room at any time, and climbed into bed beside Tara. He lay on his back, staring at the ceiling for a moment before turning his head to look at her. He couldn't help but remember the nights they'd shared this bed when Abel had been taken. There'd been even more distance between them then, and once Abel was home and Jax had Tara back in his arms, he swore that he would never let that happen again. And yet here they were, in their bed, separated by less than a foot and a whole world of hurt.
Jax wasn't the guy to grovel. To beg or plead. But he never admitted defeat either, and he wasn't about to let this ruin them, to lose Tara now. Sucking up his pride, Jax rolled onto his side and scooted up behind Tara. He curled his body around hers, holding her tight against his chest and burying his face in her hair. Tara remained unmoving for a moment that felt like an hour, before her hand reached for one of his resting on her stomach, and laced their fingers together. She was in pain, she was feeling the sting of his betrayal all over again, but in that one simple gesture Jax knew everything would be ok. She loved him, she loved him more than he probably deserved, but as long as she was with him, loving him, he'd have a chance. A chance at living up to it, at being the husband she deserved.
Ok guys, in honor of chapter 45 and getting over 60,000 hits, and over 700 reviews I'm giving you guys a long chapter. I'm breaking a couple of my rules on this chapter. Normally I wouldn't write anything about the end of an episode until I have seen the following episode. This is because I like my chapters to stay true to the flow of the story on the show. And I have had instances where my ideas for chapters have had to be scrapped because of what I have seen on the following episode. For example, when Jax came home from the run to Arizona, I had almost the exact scene that we ended up seeing in Episode 5. But this chapter was begging me to write it, so I had to do it.
The other rule I'm breaking, well I would usually only post part of this and then post the entirety as an extended chapter. But I think 45 chapters, 60 000 hits and 700 reviews calls for something special. :D
For those who have asked and haven't read it yet, I have updated the extended chapters, so check it out if you haven't already.
And last, but absolutely not least, Thank you so much to Phoenix for all her help on this chapter. I really appreciate it. :D
Ok guys, you know the drill.
xx Ally
