Author's Note: Woah! I am amazed at myself, another chapter in 8 days. Here's hoping I can keep up with this speed. Thank you to those who followed or favorited since the last chapter. I am so glad you've decided to come along for the ride. An extra thank you to Vorcha Girl, ChaseingTheWind, ela11 - welcome!, Kateriel79, Kirsah, Jules Hawk, taeniaea, Zacharti, and the guest for the lovely comments on the last chapter. Hearing your thoughts makes my day, so thank you for taking that extra time to leave the comment!
I guess that's all ... Enjoy! - TLC
Chapter Fifty-Three
It was well into the Citadel's night cycle when Kaidan finally walked out of Commander Bailey's office at C-Sec, what was left of it at least. The station seemed to have that cold feeling of waking up from a beautiful dream and knowing no matter what you do you'll never be able to get back where you were. Thankfully, the area hardest hit by the Cerberus coup attempt was the Presidium. The Wards, where people lived, were less impacted. At least the souls who lived and worked here had some place to go to get away from the destruction. It looked like the war had finally made it to the Citadel.
At this point, the station was still crawling with C-Sec officers, scanning the damage. Some spots still smoldered from the explosions that had rocked the foundation, giving off a pungent, elemental smell. He was glad his headache hadn't progressed into a full migraine, it made passing through the damage much easier. He nodded as he passed an officer whose name he should have remembered, but didn't. He pulled his bag up further on his shoulder as he reached the elevator that would take him down to the docking bay.
He had checked with Station control. The Normandy was still docked, which meant Shepard hadn't left yet. He was grateful, but knew it didn't bode well for Thane if she was still here. He had a sick feeling in his stomach that the Drell wasn't going to make it. Throughout the course of his reporting, which took much longer than he would have liked, he had spoken with Valern. Cerberus had sent an assassin to take out the rest of the Council while they were distracted by the frontal assault. According to the Salarian, he would have been successful if Thane hadn't reached them when he had. Thane had managed to distract the Cerberus assassin, allowing Shepard to keep him safe, but Thane had been critically wounded in the process.
He stepped off the elevator in the docking bay and his eyes landed on the Normandy, glistening in Alliance blue and grey. She really did look much better in Alliance colors. It was oddly satisfying knowing they had stripped all remnants of Cerberus off her before they left Earth. He didn't know how much longer Shepard would be, but he decided to wait a bit yet before he reached out to her. He assumed she was still at Huerta, and if she was, disturbing her would only upset her more. Instead, he stopped just outside the airlock doors, set his bag down at his feet, and leaned on the railing looking over the landing area.
Thankfully, the docks hadn't been too damaged by the attack. There was a greater C-Sec presence here now, but that was the only sign that anything was different. As he looked over the landing area, however, he could see parts of the station that had been damaged. It was unfortunate, the station's scars from the Battle of the Citadel three years ago had finally seemed to heal, and now she was blemished again. He wondered if the station would ever look the way it did that first time he was here with Ashley and Shepard. Grandiose and gleaming, a city in space and protected by the best in the galaxy. The place where it all started; where they met Garrus and Wrex, where Shepard had been made a Spectre. It felt like a lifetime ago. In some ways, it was.
He knew that behind him, there was a group of survivors and refugees from planets already hit by Reaper forces building a memorial for those lost or missing since the Reapers arrived. He could hear them, and the quiet sounds of their grief, but he couldn't bring himself to turn around and look. Instead, he opened his omni'tool and looked through his saved messages. He read over the last few contacts from his parents, and for a brief moment, allowed the fear to wash over him. It was hot in his chest, and thick in his throat as his eyes blurred moving over his mother's words.
She worried about him, "Make sure you're eating enough." She always worried too much. She was proud of him, "You've done so much good, Kaidan, I'm glad the Alliance has recognized that. A Major. Your father was nearly fifty when he reached that rank!" He swallowed hard. She loved him, "I love you, so much, Kaidan. Take care of yourself, and come home again, soon." Home. He hoped there would be a place to return to.
He sighed, and closed down the tool. He scrubbed his hands over his face hoping to rub away any excess moisture from his eyes before they spilled over and trailed down his cheeks. He wondered if his mom would be proud of his actions today. He'd killed a man. A man that had been proven to have worked with a terrorist organization, a man who had been in the middle of a coup, and had pulled a weapon on an unarmed Councilor. Still. Wouldn't it have been better to apprehend him? To arrest him, bring him in, try him, and sentence him instead of dishing out the ultimate punishment?
He wasn't upset Udina was dead. He was upset that he had killed him. Familiar emotions that stirred something deep inside. Something he hadn't felt since he was seventeen and he'd lost control and killed Vyrnnus on reflex; a reflex that had taken another man's life today. He sighed and looked down to his hands, flexing them open and closed. Udina had given him no choice. There really was no way the man would have let Kaidan take him in. Pulling that gun on Tevos had sealed his fate. Suicide by Spectre. Kaidan shook his head lightly. He had no regrets.
He took a deep breath in through his nose, and it caught as he recognized a light almost floral scent on the air. He turned his head, and saw her approaching. Her head was down, and her hands deep in her pockets. He turned and leaned against the railing, waiting for her to look up and see him. She was barely a step away when her eyes lifted and met his. The pure sadness he found there stunned him silent. "Kaidan," She breathed his name and it shot right through his chest. She looked confused for a moment, then realization dawned on her features, and she reached out and placed a hand on his arm. It burned for the second she left it there before she pulled it away. "I forgot, I'm sorry, you wanted to talk to me. What's up?" She asked as she moved in front of him. He was caught off guard at the way she seemed to turn off her grief and switch to business.
"Shepard, are you okay?" He asked, concern thick in his tone. "How is Thane?"
Her eyes dropped and she turned and copied the stance he'd held moments before, forearms on the railing, back bent, and looking over the landing area, and the Normandy. Her silence was stifling, and Kaidan said nothing else. He watched her for a moment, then turned and stood with her. She sighed; it shook with emotion, "He's gone." She whispered, confirming Kaidan's suspicion.
"I'm sorry," He answered, quickly but sincerely, and her head dropped for a moment. She had just lost another friend, Mordin, on Tuchanka. He knew this war was only going to get worse. More people were going to die, people they knew. His eyes moved over her and he felt the panic clench his chest when he considered the very real possibility that she could die during this war. He swallowed hard, and she lifted her eyes and met his. That's why he wanted on the Normandy. He wanted to watch her six.
"Thanks," She answered simply, and forced a smile but it didn't reach her eyes. "Thane is, was, a good man. He was conflicted. He'd spent his life as an assassin, and by the end was simply seeking an absolution. A way to atone. What I don't understand is…" She paused and cleared her throat looking away from him. Kaidan watched her as she spoke, as she processed her thoughts. He could see the frustration and grief, what surprised him was the anger that played beneath the surface. "I don't understand why … he was a religious man. Did you know Drell are polytheistic?" She asked turning her eyes towards him again, he shook his head. He didn't know much about Drell. Her thoughts were clearly scattered as she interrupted herself repeatedly. Her hands were twisting in front of her. Her voice was soft, and heavy when she continued, "His last wish, his son Kolyat, said a prayer as he died, a prayer Thane had asked him to say, asking for forgiveness and understanding… for me," She said, in a whisper. She dropped her eyes from him, and turned towards the open air again. "I just," Her voice was hoarse with emotion as she spoke, "I don't understand, he had his fucking pistol to that goddamn assassin's temple, right there, and he didn't take the shot. Why? Why didn't he take the shot?" She asked, her hands clenched, and her eyes narrow. "He would still be here if he had."
Kaidan took a risk, and reached out and took her hand, "Come here," he said, ignoring the look of apprehension on her face as she held his hand back and let him lead her to a bench. "Talk to me, tell me what happened," He said as he sat and she fell onto the bench beside him, tucking one leg up beneath her and facing him. She sighed and pulled her hand from his to rub her face. He ignored the pang he felt when she broke their connection. He watched as she reached up and pulled the four pins from her hair, letting it fall down and frame her face. His chest clenched.
She went into detail about the attack, confirming what Valern had told him. Confirming that Thane had saved the Councilor. Thane had saved her, again, and Kaidan closed his eyes sending up a prayer of thanks to the departed Drell. The Cerberus agent had moved with a power and grace that Shepard had never seen before. He had bested her. That wasn't something she was used to. She sighed deeply as she finished speaking, and her face seemed lighter just from hashing it out, going over it again. She was quiet for a long minute, as she processed, and Kaidan let her think. She chewed her lip and ran her hands roughly through her long hair. "I guess, I mean, he wasn't an assassin anymore," Her voice was quiet as she worked through her thoughts and emotions. "He wouldn't have taken the shot because he wasn't there to assassinate anyone. He was there to stop him, and he did. Valern is still alive, I'm still alive, because he was there." She lifted her eyes and met his, gone was the anger at Thane and it was replaced by a simple sadness. She chewed her lip. Her eyes were still dim, but she offered him a brief smile, which he returned.
The silence stretched between them for a few moments as they sat, reflecting on the day. She turned her head and looked over the landing area, her eyes on the Normandy and the stretch of stars beyond it. He kept his eyes on her profile, studying it. Cerberus may have removed her scars, but they got the scattering of freckles over her nose and cheeks just right. His heart pounded as the familiar smell of plum blossoms filled his head. He wanted to broach the subject of the Normandy but he didn't want to break the comfortable silence that filled the air between them. It was familiar, and warm and he loved it. After a time, she turned towards him again, her sapphire eyes reflecting the dim lighting of night on the station. He wondered if she knew how beautiful she was.
She smiled and placed her hand on his arm momentarily. "Now, I was supposed to be half way to my next destination by now. What was it you wanted to talk to me about?" She asked as she pulled her hair back and twisted it up off her neck, securing it in its bun with the four pins. He smiled at the familiarity of the action. He was speaking with Commander Shepard again.
"Well, I wanted to let you know," He leaned back, stretching one arm out along the back of the bench and next to her. His hand rested near her shoulder. "Hackett offered me a spot with the Fifth Fleet," He felt a rush of warm pride at the smile that graced her features at his announcement.
"That's perfect, Kaidan," Shepard grinned, "Hackett will understand how to use your abilities. He'll give you the freedom to work. He trusts you, and knows you," She paused as she thought over it for a moment, and Kaidan could taste the bitterness of anxiety on the back of his tongue. "I can't think of a better place for you," She admitted after a quiet moment.
"I can," He confessed, and she met his eyes. Her brow creased with confusion, and her head cocked at him. He was amazed she would need an explanation, "I would turn it down in a second if I thought there was room for me on the Normandy."
Surprise was clear in her wide eyes and slack jaw, and Kaidan felt the uncertainty racing through his veins. "Really?" She asked, her voice breaking slightly at the end of her question as her eyes searched his.
"Yeah," He answered with a nod, like it needed no further explanation.
It didn't need further explanation, as a smile pulled at the corners of her mouth and his heart soared at the excitement in her eyes. "I didn't think you'd ask," She admitted, a full grin on her face and he returned it. "Well, shit, let's go. We should be half way to our next destination already," She answered simply as she stood. He watched her as she walked towards the airlock door. His eyes moved over her form as she retreated. She still looked too thin, but he would see that she ate, even if he had to cook for her himself. He allowed himself an improper moment to admire the curve of her hips and legs as she walked. She stopped and turned to look at him, catching him in his appraisal. A sculpted eyebrow lifted and she placed a hand on her cocked hip.
He grinned at her, unashamed, as he stood. He watched as her eyes moved over him, as if in response to his gaze. He brushed passed her, and her eyes followed as he moved to where his bag sat and he thought he heard her laugh as he bent slightly to lift it and sling it over his shoulder. He met her at the door of the Normandy, it opened for them, and she let him step on first. They stood close as the door closed, and the air cycled. The decontamination process started, and the hum of the scanner filled the small room as she pulled up her omni'tool. The orange glow lighting her face, and casting interesting shadows over her cheekbones.
He remained silent as she worked, processing information on the 'tool, informing Alliance Command and the Council of Kaidan's place on her ship. After a quiet moment, she looked up, "Well, it's official. Welcome to the Normandy, Major." Her eyes were full of something; something familiar and warm. He didn't want to look away, and it was almost as if she were daring him by holding his gaze. Her eyes sparkled and she chewed her lip.
He felt the smile playing on his lips, "Thanks, Commander." He barely moved closer to her. She didn't back away, and his heart pounded as he invaded her personal space. The familiar smell of plum blossoms filled his head, and made him a little dizzy. He reached out and took her hand briefly squeezing her fingers. She bit her lip as the contact caused a spark of biotic energy to flare on her fingertips. He grinned.
"Commander," EDI's digital, pleasantly female, voice rang out in the small area, breaking their moment, and she pulled her hand from and replied, keeping her eyes on Kaidan's. "With Liara in the XO's cabin, will Major Alenko be comfortable in the Crew Quarters or should I inform Liara that she will have to move?"
"EDI," Kaidan answered before Shepard could, "Liara doesn't have to move for me. A bunk is better than a sleeper pod any day; I'll be fine," He answered, as the decontamination cycle ended with a ding. If things went the way he wanted them to, he wouldn't be in the crew quarters long, anyway.
"Very well," She answered, "EDI out."
The doors opened to the Bridge, and the air around Shepard cooled instantly as she switched back to full Commander Mode. Single mindedly, she exited first turning left and going to the cockpit. "Joker, announce a debrief in twenty." Kaidan stood and watched for a moment, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Shepard was standing behind Joker and speaking about their next stop. Kaidan turned and watched as the Alliance personnel worked at their Navigation stations. Beyond that, the CIC bustled with activity as the crew prepared to take off from the Citadel.
He took a deep breath and let it out very slowly. He turned towards the cockpit and found Shepard watching him. He smiled, and she returned it.
They were home.
Author's Note: I don't know if anyone noticed, but it was one year ago today that I posted chapter 1 of The Reason. I had no idea what to expect, or what the reception would be. It had been years since I had written anything, and needless to say, I was terrified. This experience has been completely positive. I have grown as an author, and met some amazing people. Thank you to those who have been there since the beginning, and those who have joined along the way. I can't explain what it means to have someone spend time out of their day with characters that have been living in your head for so long.
I hope you continue to enjoy Sloan and Kaidan's story. Thank you for your support. - TLC
