"How's that father of you doing?" Vanessa's mom asked me the next morning. "I haven't seen him in months." I said with a smile looking at my phone that was buzzing off again. He wouldn't give it up. Vanessa sent a small frown in our way. She had always hated the fact that her mom liked me better than her. "So what are you young girls up for today?" she asked both of us changing the subject. "Just hanging," Vanessa answered. "Great, I'd love to hear all about your new life." Her mom looked at me with the biggest smile ever, not sensing the growing anger in her daughter. Her mother had always been closer to me than her own daughter. Why I didn't know. I wasn't better than Vanessa in anyway, even if I acted that way. "I wanna eat breakfast out today, let's leave." Vanessa said and glared at her mother. I got up and said goodbye.
Just let me know you're alive and safe
- Deidara
He must have given up calling me. Who could have blamed him? "You sure are popular." Vanessa was keeping her eyes on the road, I was looking out the window. I wasn't sure what I wanted. Was ending things with him a drunken mistake? He sure would agree. "Do you remember in eight grade and you just wouldn't stop making out with dog boy?" I asked. I only remember because it was that day I swore to get whatever I wanted by being who everyone wanted. "Do I? I still have nightmares of his smell!" Lie, he didn't smell like dogs, he smelled good. I had gotten him in the end. We didn't mention that. We didn't speak of that.
"What would you have rather done, admit to Sakura that you have been stealing her dirty underwear the past half year, or lay down in Kisame's bed in just your boxers, with hearts on and a rose in your mouth?" Deidara started laughing so hard. He always did at my questions. He loved them, just like I knew he loved me.
"Where do you wanna eat?" Vanessa's voice brought me back. "I don't care, where ever they have a salad is fine with me." Salad, no croutons or dressing, often called a none food by Deidara. I had to stop thinking about him. I loved him, that was why I was doing this. It's not like he wasn't just dying to himself. I wanted a cookie, screw the salad. I'm sad, I'm allowed to eat unhealthy. I was also cold. It was one of the days you wondered what more could go wrong. When nothing seemed right and you wonder why you even got up of bed.
"I know you're sad, I know not everything seems okey right now. Still you have me, and I kinda like the idea of us being a family. I've always wanted to be a dad. I just had to find the perfect girl first, and so I have."
I started crying. Silently. I didn't want Vanessa to know. Like my tears and red puffy eyes wouldn't show. I wasn't a retard, I knew she would notice. "Wow! What's wrong!" So much
for that. I allowed myself to cry now. I didn't know why I was doing this to myself. I love him and he loves me, but I make him unhappy. "I love him!" I screamed crying. Vanessa's face dropped. Maybe she thought I was talking about Justin. I looked at her, I must have looked like a mess. I was the former leader, queen of our group, and now here I am. Crying over some guy, showing defeat. "And he loves me so much, and he doesn't want to give up on me. Not even after all I've done, and I'm giving him up just like that."
I calmed down shortly, my stomach started rumbling. I gave a short laugh, Vanessa followed and I continued as if it had been the funniest thing in the world.
I don't think I can be happy without you, and even if I think so. Just the idea of losing you makes my heart hurt. And even if I've always said that our love would tear us apart, it doesn't ease the pain. If you don't need me anymore, I need you. I wish things could be simple. I wish I didn't love him this much, I wish I wouldn't love him forever.
