A/N: Hi everybody! How is everything? So, I had the flu, which sucked because it's the flu, but was also awesome because I got to lie in bed all day and write. I'm deep into season 4's chapters right now, with only about 20 or so more until I'm done the first 5 seasons. Thanks to LiveInTheSunshine, NightReader22, Bjester73, celinenaville, Xeraphina Laurentia, zekeschance, waitingforAslan, Colby's girl, Tempermental18, hectatess, SammysGirl42, Beth Nottingham, spnfanforlife, and lenail125 for their amazing kindness and support.
This is the tag for 3x06, Red Sky at Morning. Definitely not in my Top 10 episodes, but a decent enough one, and their last conversation led me to this, so there you have it. Please review!
Disclaimer: Nothing recognizable belongs to me.
Impasse
"Hey, listen," Sam perked up a little, but did not lift his gaze from the map he was currently staring at. He had a sneaky feeling he knew that this would be a continuation of their pre-case conversation, which had only been put on hold because of a bitchy British lady, and he wasn't exactly looking forward to his brother yelling at him for something he deemed to be too dangerous for Sam to be doing. "I've been doing some thinking. Um…I want you to know I get why you did it. I understand why you went after the crossroads demon." Sam sighed in frustration. Not exactly the way he thought the conversation would proceed, especially considering he highly doubted that Dean actually did understand why he did what he did. "You know, situation reversed, I guess I'd've done the same thing." Sam mentally scoffed. Dean basically had done the same thing, except that instead of shooting the crossroads demon, he had kissed her. That's what had gotten them into this whole mess in the first place. "I mean, I'm not blind. I see what you're going through with this whole deal, me going away and all that. But you're gonna be okay."
Dean shot Sam what he must have thought was a reassuring smile, but Sam felt his soul shrivel up at the sight of it. When would Dean understand? Why couldn't he see that Sam was never really okay without him?
"Maybe because you never gave him a reason to…" a small voice whispered within him.
Sam felt himself shrink at the very thought. "You think so?" He didn't realize until after that he didn't know who he was speaking to at that moment, himself or Dean. That made it all the worse. He didn't have time to mull over that conundrum because Dean was eagerly nodding.
"Yeah, you'll keep hunting, y'know, you'll live your life. You're stronger than me. You are!" Sam cleared his throat. How could Dean think that? Dean was Batman, Sam was only Robin. Robin was some kid with a couple of useful skills, but he wouldn't be able to do anything, be anything, without Batman at his side. Dean continued in a softer voice, and Sam closed his eyes to ward off the all-too familiar feeling of tears creeping into his eyes. "You are…you'll get over it. But I want you to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry for…putting you through all this. I am."
"You should be sorry!" Sam wanted to scream it out, shout at his brother for this pain in his chest that wouldn't go away, the pain that he had caused. Yet, Sam was mute, silenced by all the memories of times when he had given Dean reason to think that his little brother would be okay without him.
Flagstaff, for one. Stanford for another. The constant running away when things got tough or didn't go his way. Accusing him of only ever taking Dad's side, or for being some mindless drone instead of his own person. He'd thought that he was protecting his brother, believing that he would live longer if he wasn't constantly worried about protecting Sam over himself. In reality, he had only been protecting himself from this very situation.
The very idea of his brother dying was completely ludicrous. His brother couldn't die. Not after everything Sam and John had done to keep him safe. Not only that, but Dean just didn't do weakness. He didn't tap out of a fight, and he never ran when things got hard. To Dean, death should have been the ultimate weakness. Instead, he seemed to be embracing it. Maybe it was to save Sam's life, but still! This wasn't fair. Sam hadn't asked to be saved. He hadn't asked Dean to forfeit his life for his little brother's. In fact, he had asked the exact opposite. He had asked Dean to let him go, allow him to pass on if this Yellow Eyed Demon thing got out of control. Maybe he hadn't gone dark side, and yeah, he had done everything in his power to prevent himself from going that way, but he still felt like Dean should have honored his wishes.
Sam felt the anger build up inside of him at the thought. "You know what, Dean? Go screw yourself!"
Sam saw a flash of hurt in Dean's eyes. "What?"
"I don't want an apology from you! And by the way, I'm a big boy now. I can take care of myself." He knew the words were counter-argumentative, considering the toddler-sized tantrum he was currently throwing. At some level, he also knew the words weren't true. He didn't know how to convince Dean that even on his best days, he still needed his brother. It was unhealthy and probably unstable, but it was true. He didn't need an apology from Dean, he just needed Dean. He needed the guy who was willing to shoot Bela in the face for shooting him in the shoulder. Nobody, not even Jess, had ever shown him that level of loyalty and love. It astonished him that Dean never saw that level of devotion as reciprocal, that he never considered that there was someone out there who loved him as much as Dean loved them.
"Oh, well, excuse me."
Sam felt something inside of him snap. He felt like, if he didn't hammer this lesson home to Dean soon, he would never get it and would die thinking that his death was the best option for everyone.
"So would you please quit worrying about me? I mean that's the whole problem in the first place. I don't want you to worry about me, Dean, I want you to worry about you! I want you to give a crap that you're dying!"
To Sam, he was asking nothing. A level of self-preservation that even the lowest animals on the food chain had ingrained in their DNA. He thought that his brave, kind, incredibly smart older brother could at least accomplish that.
To Dean, Sam was asking a fish to get out of water and do the conga. Stop worrying about Sam? Might as well ask him to stop breathing. It just wouldn't happen. It wasn't in his DNA.
A/N: Alright lovelies. I gotta get to bed so I can get up and work a 12 hour day tomorrow, so please leave me something to look forward to! Love you all, and I'll see you all on Tuesday!
