Another reply for my dear friend who always has SOMETHING to bitch about! Don't I just adore these estranged letters!
From: Teh Angel of Nocturne
To: Bakura the spirit thief
Subject: …I surrender?
I have to admit… you cleared up nearly every argument I ever had with you thus far. This sucks, you realize that? Now I have nothing to talk about to you… maybe this is the last letter… damn.
But in the mean time, I will keep using your fan name (Akefia) for my own personal use… I kind of like it. If it helps you, think of it as more of nickname… like Baka or Snuggles or Poo…or dip shit, whichever comes first.
And I don't really take offense, I just sound like I do cause when I write these I am usually sugar-high… today I feel mellow, not much up to arguments with the spell-check demon that is you, Bakura. Nope, sorry, I'm out of it, so…. I don't know, whatever.
And my inability to check my own statements is of course my own fault, but let's refrain from pointing that out, shall we? I would prefer to be left alone for that matter… again, I don't feel like arguing about it… I think Marik screaming for over two hours of my lil sister's torture punishment (which I believe consists of some very Satanic love rituals that I shall explain no further due to some adult-rated content) has left me wiped of energy… I wanna take nap.
And may I point out your mistakes for a while, just for fun? If I can then… BWAHAHAHAHA LET THE FUN BEGIN! (Yeah, energy!)
When you said "give you the original of that HORRIBLE name" I'm sure you meant origin, right? And when you were referring to "silly human" and then in the next two sentences over "they" did you accidentally forget the "s" after human? You also said "Be only being harsh" which is a typo for "Me only being harsh" …perhaps you forgot to put a word in there, hmm? In many of your sentences there are words missing, or they don't make any sense at all… um, shouldn't YOU be using your ABILITY to look over and correct your own work? The ability that I apparently do not have, but it seems that you lack as well? And don't you dare blame Leo with that… if you're "God" like you say you are then you should be able to do that, right BAKURA?
… That was fun.
Oh, and Kaiba was burning down Trenton, New Jersey… I just wanted to say that cause I passed it by on my way to my Grandma's house… so yeah, wtf on that one….
This brings me to another wondrous topic… why the fuck is it that all of your fans always make Seto their second favorite hottie? I hate to break it to them, but you two are not really hot or sexy… okay maybe you guys are, but considering that your personalities entitle abusing people and just being plain ugly to anyone who so much as looks at you is a SERIOUS turn-off… so why do they like you both? It's my (and any psychiatrist's) philosophy that girls who don't get enough love at home are bound to end up with nasty, irksome men because they are desperate for love and attention… but in the case of your fan girls I would perhaps say that they don't know any better and the fact that you act like a bad boy makes you attractive to the really stupid or dark-obsessed (because they think its cool) chicks.(Again I am not that much a fan girl of you so I cannot be considered that far in). Really it's like falling in love with fire—it will burn you if you are not careful enough (or smart enough) to admire it at a distance… hence why many pyromaniacs and your fan girls will not live very long if they fall under a complete fixation.
Basically, you're like that light that all the moths end up committing suicide over.
But that's beside the point. Both of you are cold and heartless and just plain MEAN! You boss people around, send poor souls off to the Shadow Realm like a 16th century French executioner (even if they do deserve it the action is harsh), and act like bastards to everyone within twenty-five feet of you. My Ra, girls just love the bad ass, now don't they? Well, I'll just stick with being obsessed over Yami (if he's still alive), because he may blabber on about friendship (fuck) and crud like that but he's still made of darkness as proven by Dartz and the Orichalcos crew.
By the way, where were you during that whole fiasco? There is no way on this here Earth that you decided to sit that whole world-conquest thing out… unless you knew it was going to fail. Perhaps you sabotaged the whole damn thing? Or maybe your soul got sucked up before you could even know what was happening? If that was the case then I am so laughing at you right now… MWAHAHAHA!
And as for Marik… yeah, we did give him a good home… if you can call this Nazi death-camp that is my sister's Third Reich rule over him a good home. I have informed my sister about Marik's usage of the phone and skinned rats (which he got from… actually I don't know where he got them, I'll have to ask now—we have a collection of six, if you count the infant he cleaned from a mother's womb). She wasn't upset, just extremely pissed that he's hiding things from him. Yeah, she has the 2 by 4 with her now… OH DUDE! I just watched Marik get smacked cleaned across the face! Oh, I can't watch, he's screaming too much… she's kicking him in the nuts… oh Ra.
Anyways, he still says the toenail collection is yours, and apparently Seto's too. Marik was collecting them for his own use of which he will not define… he says he has DNA evidence that they're yours… and video images of you putting your nails in the bag… I saw them they look edited and cheesy… yeah, I'd be careful where you leave your clipping from now on, Bakura.
And must I now ask for your consent in order to write a fan fiction, hmm? (And I like spelling "fan fiction" that way—bug off I like being weird, just as you are insane to the point of, well, insanity). I'm actually glad that I'm not in the Shadow Realm for what I wrote to you, I was almost sure that that was where I would go… but of course if you could easily dispose of me like that then I'm confident that a couple of your other so-called fans would be gone as well.
I take no drugs, thank you…and don't blame me for the stuff I write! Blame my muse, she drinks Tequila at around three and that's when I write my fiction… so forgive her, she's nuts. My muse is the one to blame… but my muse is a part of me… so I am the one to blame… yeah, never mind, you were right. Sorry.
(My Ra I sound so submissive in this damned letter! I think you have nearly worn me down, Thief King!)
Oh, and Marik just said that you're wrong, you still owe him money. He says that you lost to him last Friday at Strip Poker and you promised to give him ten bucks later if you didn't have to strip… I don't know, I can't really tell what he's saying he's screaming so much… ouch, that one had to hurt. Oh, now he's under the bed, so he won't be coming out for a while… Ra my life is so weird.
That was it. Frankly you've removed much of the fight from me… but I will still bite you in your scrawny albino ass whenever possible.
From Your Fan Who… Is Out Of Things To Say,
Teh Angel
P.S. Is asinine your new word? Seriously, you say it in nearly every fucking reply lately.
P.P.S. Marik says he has your British Flag Pants now—he stole them from Leo. But I don't believe him, so ask Leo. And show some appreciation for her, Ra-damnit! Leo is awesome, even if she doesn't do very well at spell-check (as was proven in your reply to my last letter… but we all can't be God, now can we, Bakura?) But we all love her anyway cause she rocks.
xxx
Some how I hardly believe that you have no arguments for me, you only make my day with the weird shit you seem to throw at me, and some times even a challenge as I have to make effort to delicately void every argument against me. It's fun nonetheless.
As far as that blasted Akefia name. I really don't care anymore; as long as people realize that it's NOT my real name I'm good. Hell even my blasted editor uses it. (Of whom I haven't bitched about in a while.) Like you said, there are worse possible names out there…Like those people calling me Touzoku-oh. That drives me nuts. I'm NOT JAPANESE, people!
And now that you've FINALLY admitted that you have no damn excuse I am willing to drop the argument (which I would have dropped a long time ago if you had been so kind as to admit it several letters ago. What letter are we on now? Dear me, I can't seem to remember.) And one must feel sorry for poor Marik, who seems to be being bounced around all over the place…. Your sister isn't doing her job watching after him.
Point out my mistakes as you will, however I am ready and willing to admit them. I make mistakes too. Hence why I speak of having an EDITOR. Granted my mistakes are usually far and few between, at least I will say, "you know what, holy hell I made a fucking typo! Yay!" And also due to my need to write twenty letters out in one sitting, and words blurring as I go, not to mention feeling that if I'm faced with thousands of typos in one letter, my few won't be very offensive now will they? Amusing, once I point out people's mistakes they will readily overly check my writing to find mistakes, which only proves that they can do that to their own work. Which I'm SURE just made a lot of people feel really stupid. In short, well not in short because this paragraph has kinda grown long, I've decided to stop caring about my grammar and spelling! When everyone else decides to care, then I will too! Make sense? In a way I guess you could say I'm on spell check strike! Unless it's so horrible something MUST be said….
Oh dear…I hope I didn't just kill your buzz. That wasn't intentional.
Kaiba's plum lost his mind that much I'm sure of, but don't tell him I told you, he might go flame thrower on my ass.
And hey, what's your problem? I didn't ASK to be obsessed over, and I can't control the fact that these people think Seto is hot too. What do you want ME to do about it? I could tell half of these people to go fuck themselves and chances are they would still obsess over me, so it's not like I can control them. Leo-baka is a prime example. I can't tell you HOW many times I've told her to go fuck herself, but NO she builds a shrine in my honor instead, in her walk in closet entirely made out of gum, gum of which was chewed by me. And honestly, it's not like I'm screaming HEY FALL IN LOVE WITH ME! How many times have I made it clear that I'm not looking for a partner? I'm just as happy with my loving pack of misfits that I call friends, or more or less partners in crime. And I'll have you know not everyone who considers himself or herself a follower is necessarily 'in love' with me. And new flash, I don't ACT like anything…I'm not a 'bad boy' nor am I a 'goody goody'. I'm no stereotypical anything. I am Bakura. It's not MY fault people like the fact that I am BAKURA. And nothing else….Guh, what was your point again?
And please, by all means worship the Pharaoh, he needs worshippers. Not to mention in the end you'll end up helping my cause, whether everyone knows it or not Yami and I have a partnership and he, as well as Seto and Marik, intend to help me in my plans for world domination. Because I'm awesome like that. (That and the fact that I have black mail on each of them…Well except Marik, he would have helped me anyways…I have Sephiroth backing me and Marik has this irking fear of Sephiroth.)
And actually during the whole Dartz scenario I was quite content stowing away inside of my ring, of which thanks to my being a cheap ass and hiding in it while the souls were being eaten by a creature that sounds like it fell out of Sephiroth's world, I was able to linger on the planet while everyone else was gone. It was nice really. I looted some awesome things while people were absent. Mainly because I knew it wouldn't last. Leave it to the baka pharaoh to bring humanity back…Tch…
I take it back by the way. Tell Marik I hope he has fun. IN HELL! HAHAHAHAHA!
Dude….I can't even remember the last time I clipped my toenails…Wait why are we talking about this? My toenails don't even grow anymore! I'm technically DEAD! WTF? Marik is gonna get his ass kicked next time I see him, which will probably be next week end because we have a Psychotic Villains meeting at the bowling alley. I just realized that MOST of my buddehs are all parts of the same organizations as I am…That's kinda kick ass…but you know…I'm starting to think we should just combine them into one big organization with separate divisions…I'll have to suggest it to Sephiroth, who is also the president of the Psycho Villains too….I mean seriously…I think he beats me in insanity…Anyone who fights for the sake of 'mother' deserves it.
Oh and I don't hold it against you that you wish to make my insides BURN with your horrible fan fictions consisting of me kissing creatures that are now decaying in the bottom of the Japanese Sea (Anzu)(BITCH- I've chosen a new word because everyone is copying me now with the FUCK thing…. Augh I'm such a trendsetter…and fucking A that sounded gay! Heh…. I rhymed!) I only think less of you my dear, that's all. And I don't give a damn if you spell fan fiction as separate words…I do it too….That is after all the proper way to write it.
I was about to say…if your muse is part of you….then you have no excuse…That's like the crap Leo tries to pull with me! "Oh Bakura it's not MY fault that my muse happens to think you would make a smashing couple with yourself!" WHAT THE FUCK LEO! Your muse, Marka, is a SCREAMING HOMOSEXUAL! Of COURSE he would think that! GAH! My editor is a freaking tard.
And wtf? Marik, I DID strip! I owe you nothing you bitch! Corporate WHORE! Communist BASTARD! Random insult that is very cliché and has the final word that is capitalized entirely! I have PROOOOOOF I stripped! Zomg! Seto, Dark, Sephiroth AND Cloud were ALL there! I hope you get all the torture you can survive…But please, Angel, don't let your sister kill him…Because that wouldn't be fun anymore….I like watching Marik in pain.
Ah come on now, I'm sure you can find more thing to bitch at me about! Don't tell me I've whipped your high-strung ass already! (I mean it in an utmost loving manner but of course!) Besides I think I can take a few teeth marks, so bring it on if you got it! I'm ready!
And yes….asinine is my new word, as in the entire conversation is probably deemed asinine by anyone on the outside reading it…I think it's amusing so I shall continue it even If I'm probably driving people ass backwards crazy, well because that's what I do and I love it and all of you know that you will continue to listen to me rant even though I've long ago run out of things to say yet I continue anyways in the hopes that I will find something to say but instead reply on the fact that this is SO turning into a pointless monologue even though I was specifically told by Sephiroth that I am not longer allowed to say more than 200 words on one breath, or should I say in one straight typing period, but then again it doesn't matter because he's not here so I can continue to continue and ramble on until I've feel one hundred percent sure I've made a total ass out of myself and now have lost sight of what the initial topic of this paragraph was and have probably confused the readers, of which I'm surprised have read this far anyways considering I truly am an arrogant bastard even though I truly love being one and probably won't stop any time soon, no not even for animal cracker, which only really work on Sephiroth anyways, but the pink frosted ones are good, but that is beside the point considering I really have no initial point and I'm just waiting to see who sends me hate mail for writing a paragraph that damn long without putting in a single period, thus making this one of my longest run on sentences ever and making me any English teacher's worst night mare, not that I care because I'm on grammar strike, so what does it matter, I can probably keep this going for hours, simply because I'm doing out of spite knowing that most of you are going to get completely pissed that you had to read a paragraph of THAT proportion, but then again I HAVE made longer rants, after all, I may not be the monologue master, but I do think I'm a pretty damn good ranter, and I MUST be considering most of you have read up til now and if you're still reading this paragraph, kudos to you, because I'm actually aiming for five hundred words just for the fact that five hundred words it about how long one of Leo's research papers for school was and I wanted to do a comparison in plain non spaced rant, who knew that five hundred words would nearly take up an entire page, gee whilickers Batman, I spelled that word wrong while trying to make a bad Batman joke, and I've still not run out of nothing to babble about, man I can talk about nothing for quite a while, I'm good that way I guess, well five hundred has been officially reached now!
Zomg I beat Sephiroth at a monologue! ZOMG! I PWN!
Oh my god, how did that spawn from the word asinine? Dear god if you read that whole paragraph of nothing I reward you with a free 'hug Bakura' card…Any one who let their eyes get abused by that deserves at LEAST that much….
And you know what, I STILL don't know who has my DAMN PANTS! Leo's not talking! Now all of a sudden she feels loved and has a sudden rush of courage to stand up to me! DAMN YOU people and your encouraging words! GAH! Leo is a bitch! Yes she is and she should be SHOT!
Anyways, on a lighter note I've completed my reply! Which most of you are probably thanking the GODS by now…I do apologize for my over incessant babbling…Wait…I don't apologize….I'm on STRIKE! If you don't like it KISS. MY. ASS!
Love,
The thief that gives no damn about typos because people don't care in general!
GOD.
Xxx
Leo: I think this is THE single longest chapter…dear god that rant was brutal…I apologize for that one my fingers wouldn't stop even though my brain was telling them to just like they're doing right now so before I go on another long rant I shall say this: I LOVE YOU GUYS for liking this crap fan fiction of mine! You guys all PWN!
