Friday, October 9th
"I can smell muffins."
The door to the office, that was ajar, got opened. With a bag of muffins and two large coffees Sara entered the office. She dropped the things on the table, sat on her favorite chair and waited until doctor Weinberg was done with her last report.
"Since when is this a muffin session, Miss Sidle?"
"Since I'm hungry, didn't have any breakfast nor lunch and couldn't resist the smell."
"I let you away with this today. You look like crap."
"Thanks doc, I'm glad to see you too."
"That's why you're here." Doctor Weinberg sat next to Sara, ignored the coffee and muffins. "How was your day?"
"Alright. I went to work, stayed for ten hours, got told a few times I look not too good today, nobody said it as charming as you did, I stopped by the bakery and came here."
"Will you go home tonight?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I don't feel like it. I've a place to stay."
"I know you do. Nevertheless you should go home, your plants need water."
"How do you know?"
"I saw them yesterday."
"You were there? Why?"
"Because your housemate Don went through a lot of trouble to get my personal cell phone number, called me on my way to dinner with my mother. Sofia had locked herself in her room, after she had a breakdown and the situation he described sounded like she was suicidal…"
"What? Why…"
"She was suicidal because from her point of view, her life makes no sense without you. She prefers to share your problems than to be without you. And if you go, she doesn't see any reason for herself to go on with her life. You are her life, you're gone, her life is over. That and the fact, that she wasn't herself the whole day at work and endangered herself and her colleagues, made me come to your place."
"Is she alright?"
"Why don't you ask her that herself?"
"I…I can't."
"Great. So the next time, when Don isn't around to stop Sofia or call me, he'll come home finds your lover or ex girlfriend, whatever she is for you, with a bullet in her head on the floor. Is that what you want, Sara?"
"No…I…why do you say things like this?"
"Because I need you to wake up, to realize that the actions you take, don't affect only you. You need some time out, you need some space, that's alright, but it's not okay the way you did it. There's a woman, who loves you more than her life, who doesn't want to live without you and you don't give a shit about her."
"I…I do…"
"You don't. You left her, you don't answer her calls, you don't answer any calls, you left everybody worrying about you. Maybe there was a time when nobody cared that you were gone, that you didn't call, this time is over. There is somebody who cares. There is somebody who loves you and if you at least care a little bit about Sofia, you tell her yourself that you are fine and that it's not her fault that it's over."
"It isn't over…why do you say that?"
"Because the way you treat Sofia, you don't treat somebody you love. If you would love her, you don't act the way you do. You treat her like dirt and not like a lover."
"I…shit." Sara closed her eyes. "I bring pain in her life, she's better off without me."
"You take away all the joy of life, her interest in life, if you leave her. If you could choose between living through a hard time with the one you love or be left by the one you love, feel like you're worthless and have never been truly loved, which one would you choose? Tell me, Sara." She had asked Sara the same thing the last time they've met.
"I…you want me to talk to her?"
"I don't want you to do anything I just tell you how she feels and to be prepared in case nobody is there to stop her the next time she feels she better off dead than without you. She has a weapon, she has the possibility to commit suicide."
"She isn't the kind of woman…"
"You want to tell me what I saw yesterday was wrong? Are you making my job now, Sara? Are you the therapist, who has works with suicidal people?"
"No, I…shit…"
"Tell me, how long do you want Sofia to suffer? How long do you want to take the risk?"
"I…"
"Yes?"
"I don't want her to do anything stupid…"
"Not?"
"No!"
"Alright. In that case you should take your muffins and see your ex."
"She isn't my ex."
"Not?"
"No. I…I love her."
"Maybe you should tell her – or even better: show her."
"But…"
"No but, Sara. Make your decision: stay away and take all the consequences or go to her and tell her you love her. Two possibilities, choose one. Now!"
Sara sat on her chair, bit her lips, avoided her doctor's eyes. She had to swallow hard. This wasn't the therapy she was used. This wasn't the way doctor Weinberg usually talked to her. This was very straight forward, aggressive. She held Sara at gun point.
"Okay."
"Okay what, Sara?"
"I'll go home. Now. And talk to her."
"Good."
"But…"
"Can't see you walking to your car."
"What am I supposed to tell her?"
"How about what you feel for her?"
"Isn't that too simple?"
"Sometimes simple things can be the most important things in your life. Out, Sara."
Sofia watched her food. She knew she wasn't nice to Don, who had cooked her favorite dinner to make her happy. And now she sat in front of her food, picked the mashed potatoes up with her fork, lifted it and dropped it again. She wasn't hungry. More, the thought of food made her sick. She couldn't eat this. It smelled good, it looked great, but…she couldn't. Like she couldn't have breakfast or anything for lunch.
"Sofia, you have to eat." Don sighed.
"I can't. I really appreciate what you did for me, that you cooked this, it smells great, it looks great, but…if I take only one bite I'll throw up. I just can't eat…." She got up and left the kitchen. She needed some fresh air.
The third day was over. She wanted to have Sara back, she wanted to tell her colleagues to look for her. The problem was, Sara wasn't really gone. She had contact with her therapist, probably she went to work. There was nothing her colleagues could do. She'd make a fool out of herself if she told them to get Sara back. He brunette left her, if she started to whine and involved the police, she looked like a woman, who couldn't let go of a former lover. Former lover. Was it really over? Did she lose Sara? Was it over?
She didn't want it to be over. She wanted Sara back. She wanted to fight. But how? How could she fight a fight she didn't start, she had no idea who was her opponent. She felt helpless, she felt hopeless, she felt…Sara. Sofia turned and blinked a few times. Was that real or did she have hallucinations?
"Hey."
That was Sara's voice. Was she real? Was she really back?
"Sara." Sofia had no idea what to do. She wanted to run to her lover, she wanted to hug her, wanted to pull her in her arms and never let go. But her legs didn't move, she stood there like she was frozen or made of stone.
"Sofia, I'm sorry…I…I'm sorry."
"Are you…are you telling me it's over?" Every word was hard, every word hurt. Sofia didn't want to have an answer, she was scared of what Sara might say. But she needed an answer, she needed to know, if it was all over or if she and Sara were still together.
"What?" Sara closed her eyes. She felt a twitch in her heart. Sofia really thought it was over, she really thought Sara didn't love her anymore. She had thought doctor Weinberg over-reacted a bit, but the words of her lover, the way she said them, the way she looked, it was more than obvious that Sofia really thought she was here to tell her, it was all over. That she didn't love her anymore.
She wanted to tell her, it wasn't over, that she loved her, that she wanted to be with her, but somehow it was like all these words wouldn't be enough. With a few steps she was with Sofia, pulled her in her arms, held her as strong she could.
Being in Sara's arms Sofia wasn't able to hold up the mask she had put on this morning to survive. She wasn't able to control her body, for the second time within twenty-four hours, tears flooded down her face, made her lose her eyesight, made her unable to react to anything. She tried to hold on to the brunette, tried to get her as close as possible.
It was Sara, who got a little bit out of Sofia's arms only to have enough space to move her head and find the blonde's lips for a long and deep kiss. This should answer Sofia's question, this should make it obvious, that it wasn't over. That she still loved her. That she wanted to be with her.
"I love you." Sara whispered when their lips were apart to make it possible for both to breathe. "I love you so much, Sofia. And I'm so sorry. I won't leave you, I'm so sorry you thought so. I love you. You're my everything. You are my life."
"Love you too." The words came out with breaks, got half under in tears. Tears, that were still running down Sofia's face. She had no control over her body and she had given up to try anything to stop her tears.
Their lips found each other again, made them feel each other, feel the love, made fears and nightmares leave. They were back together. They were back as one.
"I really thought I lost you." Sofia kissed softly Sara's naked shoulder, snuggled in her arms and enjoyed the feeling of Sara's arms around her.
"I never wanted to leave you."
"You were gone, you didn't call, didn't answer the phone and …at one point I thought of what Greg told me about you and Grissom. That you left him with nothing more than a note. Just I never got a note."
"I scared you, I'm so sorry. All I wanted what to give you some space, to get the bad things, that happened to me, out of your life. I didn't want to make you suffer, give you nightmares."
"I can live with nightmares and bad stories, I can't live without you."
"I know. Now I know." Sara kissed Sofia. How could she have been so stupid? How could she leave her lover? How could she treat her like this? How could she make her this sad? Hurt her so much. She had been so stupid, so selfish, a really bad girlfriend. She didn't deserve a wonderful woman like Sofia. She didn't deserve somebody this wonderful. Not when she treated her like dirt.
"I won't do it again. I promise."
"Good." Sofia wasn't sure if she could handle all these things again. So much pain, so many fears.
"Can you also promise me something?"
"What?"
"Never ever think about harming yourself because of anybody. Not me, not anybody else. Your life is too precious to be wasted for somebody, who doesn't deserve you. And me, treating you the way I did the last three days, I didn't deserve you. Please Sofia, please never say, try or do anything like that again."
"Your doc is a tattletale."
"She's the best doc I could have asked for."
"She broke my door."
"What?"
"She broke my door. Kicked it in."
"No way!"
"I'll show you later." They were in Sara's bed. Sofia hadn't repaired her door, she kept it broken as a memory of what had happened. Of the fact, that she had crossed a line.
"She told me she was here yesterday, said I need to water my plants, she didn't mention she kicked in your door."
"She did. I locked it, refused to open it, she was afraid I'd harm myself and kicked it in."
"I like her even more."
"I love her for getting you back. How did she do that?"
"She told me what I did to you and wasn't like before. She was harsh, she made it very obvious, that she didn't agree with my behavior and I better wake up and start to use my head again. She forced me to go here."
"I can't see her forcing anybody. She seems to be too nice for that."
"I can't see her kicking in doors. Apparently doctor Weinberg has sides, we don't know of."
"Yes. She isn't a wimp like most psychologist are. I bet she can kick asses."
"She'd be great for the police work."
"Oh yes. But I can't take her away from you. She needs to take care of you first."
"Thanks. She played me. From the moment I entered her office today, she played me. She knew how to get me, she knew how to press my buttons to make me come here. Bloody bitch."
"Amazing doctor. I wonder why her mother thinks she should be a physician. She's perfect as a psychologist, she knows how to play people, she can see in people's head…unfortunately she doesn't do relationship counseling ."
"You need that?"
"If my girlfriends makes the decision to vanish again…no then I need a psychologist in general…her."
"She's mine."
"Yours is mine, mine isn't your business." Sofia kissed Sara. "I'm so glad to have you back. I missed you so much."
"Ditto."
"Where have you been? You weren't in your favorite motel."
"No, I knew, you'd come there. I was in a little motel not too far away from Angels National Forest."
"I knew you were working, I was close to come to your workplace. I knew, you wouldn't like it, but…I needed to see you. I missed you and I wanted to know, if I had lost you."
"You don't. You won't get rid off me that easily, Miss Curtis."
"I don't want to get rid off you, Miss Sidle. I want you in my life. To be more specific, I want you in my arms."
"I'm in your arms."
"The place you're supposed to be."
"Yes." Sara put her hand on Sofia's stomach and at the same moment, Sofia's stomach growled. "Somebody is hungry."
"Somebody refused to eat the whole day. Just the thought of food, of eating, made me feel sick. Don cooked such a great dinner and I didn't touch it."
"Feel like some food now?"
"I feel like sinking my teeth you."
"You eat me, I'll be gone. So why don't we dress in something casual, get some food and come back in here? We can feet each other with the good dinner you refused first. Oh, maybe I should say hello to Don."
"You can do that tomorrow…okay, that's mean, he worried too. Say hello to him, I'll tell Greg you're back."
"You called Greg?"
"In case you were on your way back to Vegas, yes. I needed him to tell me if you arrive there and want some shelter in his apartment."
"Back to my Greggo…no, I have a job in L.A., I can't vanish to Vegas."
"Exactly. You've got a girlfriend in L.A. too, you shouldn't leave her neither. I'm sure you meant to mention this too. And I'll text your doc that you're back where you belong. In case she had any doubts."
"Yeah, call your new friend."
"Jealous?"
"No, she's my therapist, I've got secrets with her."
"I've got her private cell phone number."
"I don't want her private number, it's enough that she meets Greg for dinner and is in private contact with my girlfriend."
"Only when her patient makes me worry."
"She won't do that anymore."
"I hope so."
