CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
AN: Thanks so much for all the reviews and messages. I do love your feedback. Hope you like this one
Thank You
Sasha awoke on Sunday morning and pulled the covers over her head cringing over the memory of the day before. He stood her up again. Oh Severus why do you do these things to me? As hurt as she was, she knew all he had to do was say the word, and she would go to him again. She was thoroughly enslaved. What could have happened that kept him away from her? Perhaps he didn't like that Butterbeer story at breakfast. It didn't put her in a particularly favorable light. Perhaps he heard her swearing at students on the quidditch pitch and found it unattractive on a witch. Too many years playing with the boys had conditioned some course language into her vocabulary. She felt tremors in her chest, the physical evidence of heartbreak. She so desperately wanted him to think she was worthy of him. Despite his unfortunate background he was so refined, well educated and shrewd. He was disciplined and analytical, confident in his knowledge. She was all over the place; flying, quidditch and an occasional drinking situation that was getting worse as she pined away for him. Maybe this really wasn't meant to be no matter how much she wanted it. Perhaps she was meant for a man like Ivan, outdoorsy, robust, gregarious like the men in her family.
There was a knock at her door. No doubt Tonks wanting to recap the evening's events over some coffee. She didn't bother to brush her hair or throw a robe on, but answered the door in the skimpy tank top and white cotton panties, she'd slept in.
"Come in Tonks." Then she froze when she was eye to eye with Severus who was carrying a tray of coffee and tea.
"Merlin!" He exhaled at the sight of her in her current state of undress. His eyes traveled over her body and she merely stood there letting him. A toned athletic body was currently her only resource so she exploited it.
"Oh hello Severus, well better," she stopped to look at her watch, "Seventeen hours late than never." He blinked once and continued to stare at her body, focusing on the inch of flesh on her taut belly peeking out just above her panties. The silence was uncomfortably long. Finally Sasha spoke. "Is there something I can, uhm, do for you."
Severus felt all the blood in his body rush to his nether regions and lowered the drink tray just in case. "You could put on a robe." He said slowly and with great effort.
Sasha snorted. "Oh yes, how terrible of me to offend you." Ivan wouldn't have told me to put on a robe. If Ivan were here he would have ripped off what little clothing I am wearing and told me how beautiful he thinks I am. She went to her closet and slipped on a blue silk smoking jacket that barely covered her bum. It had once belonged to Sirius but he didn't know that. Let him wonder what man, what possible lover it came from.
"I brought you a coffee. Pumpkin spice latte, isn't that your favorite?"
"Yes," she replied tersely taking the cup. "Trying to get back into my good graces after standing me up?"
"I was summoned by the Dark Lord Sasha. I could not refuse to go or stop to explain." His response was clipped and to the point.
"Oh." Sasha suddenly felt terrible for assuming the worse about him. "Are you alright?" She rubbed his forearm over his robes wondering how that mark must feel.
"Fine. Nothing I'm not used to." He set down the tray and tried his latte, wincing at the sweetness. "I hear you weren't lonely without me."
Damn, no secrets around here. "Oh, uhm, well Tonks and I went to dinner. Remus and Ivan turned up rather unexpectedly."
"A double date, smashing." He sat down in an overstuffed chair, which he sunk into.
"It wasn't really a date."
Severus was growing angry watching her make excuses. "I don't care what it was." He really didn't. "I'm glad you had a good day. There's no reason why you shouldn't have." The bitter lies tasted terrible coming out of his mouth. He played with the tassel on a pillow in the chair. "Are you free today Sasha? I thought we could do something together."
"Sev, I've been goofing off all weekend and now you're being a terrible influence. I've got to prepare for my classes. I'm behind in lesson planning and I have papers to grade."
"I can help you with that." His expression brightened which she found charming. "You'll finish much faster if you let me. Meet me in the Dark Arts classroom at eleven." He stood to leave.
"You won't stand me up again?"
"Unless I'm summoned again, wild hippogriffs won't keep me away." He was attempting to be amusing but she wasn't laughing. He moved in closer. "It was imperative that I go immediately Sasha I can't say any more than that. Can you please understand?" He took her hand and rubbed the soft back of it with his fingers.
"Of course I can." She put her other hand on top of his. "You know I'll always support you in what you have to do Severus."
They spent the afternoon grading essays, designing the next week's lesson plans and practicing defensive spells. Severus felt the need to test her skills on every spell and offer assistance in areas she was lacking in. He was far superior to her in technique through years of practice. Being competitive, it was starting to get on her nerves.
"Is your Patronus solid? You used to be inconsistent as I recall."
"Mood swings. I've been practicing and I think it looks pretty good though."
"Let's have a go then. Show me." He spoke in clipped tones as if he was addressing a student.
Sasha focused and took a deep breath. "Expecto Patronum!" Silver streams flew from her wand and gelled quickly into her Raven patronus. It flew around them in grand circles while watching the two of them. She wondered if he would recognize himself and as she began to lose focus the raven became blurry. Severus stepped behind her and put his hand on her wrist lifting her arm.
"There." He said softly. "Just like that." She felt the beginnings of five o'clock shadow on his cheek. "That's beautiful." He whispered in her ear.
His voice sent a shiver down her back causing her to lose focus and the raven disappeared.
"Oops." She was embarrassed to lose focus in front of him. "Quote the raven, nevermore. You're a distraction Severus."
He smiled smugly at her, delighted that he could be a distraction. He was getting closer to the prize. "You'll have to be able to cast it when confronted with distractions or it's utterly useless Sasha."
"Show me how its done Mr. Smarty Robes. You cast your patronus while I distract you. I bet I can get you to lose focus." She raised her eyebrows quickly and smiled.
"I do not lose focus, ever. You will not be able to distract me." He was immersed in his snotty potions master voice now.
"Ooooo, care to wager?"
He circled her sadistically while considering her offer. "If I win, you'll serve detention every Friday night for a month, for your…cheek."
"And if I win, which I will, dinner on the astronomy tower every Friday for a month."
He smirked at her not believing his good luck. "I can't lose." He grinned like a naughty little boy. He stood tall and extended his wand in perfect form. "Expecto Patronum." Silver streamed from his wand but before it could take shape Sasha came behind him and pressed her body seductively against his. The patronus wavered and didn't take its shape.
"Hmm, better watch your form Severus," she breathed into his ear.
A soft laugh escaped him. "You don't play fair Miss Malfoy." He redoubled his efforts and tried once again to focus, as the patronus was coming along. Sasha wrapped both arms around him putting her hands firmly on his chest and began to slowly move them down across his stomach. His heart was racing at her touch and the patronus still failed to gel.
"What's the matter Severus? Can't you concentrate?" She was doing her very best impersonation of Bellatrix which always seemed to render men helpless.
He laughed nervously and took a deep breath as he half heartedly tried to focus again. This was getting interesting. He could do this all day. Her hands slid further down over his hips to the tops of his thighs. "Ooooh" She cooed into his ear. "Looks like I'm going to win. Pity, I was so wondering what you would make me do for you in detention. Had you already thought up some assignments for me?"
One hundred filthy options crossed his mind at once. No way was he going to lose and miss that opportunity. He focused with all his might until his silver doe was staring mournfully back at him. His satisfaction at winning was short lived as his heart sank looking at his lovely.
"Lily." Sasha whispered. Her hands dropped from his body as the Patronus vanished. She stepped away from him. He turned to see her eyes red and a desperate attempt to fake a smile. "I guess that was a draw." She stammered.
"Sasha." His voice was pleading with her but the words wouldn't come. His desperation increased as he watched her backing away from him like he had a disease.
"I have to go meet Tonks." She sniffed.
No, she was leaving. He couldn't take this again. In his desperation, he blurted out his words. "Sasha please. I want to get over her. I'm sick of this hell. It's killing me. Please don't go."
The tension in her face melted away and she looked serene as she walked back to him and wrapped her arms around him. "It's going to be okay Severus. It just takes time." Rigidity now left his body and if she hadn't had her arms around him he would have been a puddle on the floor. He put his arms around her and held tightly on to her like a life preserver in tumultuous tides. How could he be this close physically to his goal and emotionally incapacitated at the same time?
She pulled away from him and took a deep cleansing breath. He did the same. "Let's go get some dinner."
"I'm not hungry."
"Come on now. Let me take care of you. Some dinner, some wine and a good nights sleep will help you." She rubbed his back and coaxed him out of the room.
Merlin, I'm an idiot. Severus wondered how long he would be haunted by this memory. It was standing in the way of the only thing he had wanted for himself since Lily died. How long was he to be punished for his sins? How long must Sasha suffer for them?
Weeks passed and Severus received Sasha's full attention, or what he thought of as the Igor Karkaroff treatment. Just as she did with Karkaroff, she made sure he took care of himself, poured his tea for him. She was sweet and supportive and kept her normally endless slew of cheeky remarks to herself. She must think I'm on my way out too. He worried that he was slipping into the friend zone or just becoming someone she would merely pity. Pathetic he would be compared with his rival Ivan the Terrible.
As the evening of Halloween rolled around Sasha could see the dark cloud slowly descending over Severus and his depression worsened. She thought he must suffer terribly every year at this time in solitary silence. He ate very little and spoke even less through dinner that night. Filch's choir performed during dessert. A rather sinister sounding Halloween performance that she was sure was adding to his funk. He looked down the entire time. She panned the crowd of students and saw Harry glaring at him. Poor Severus, he was so misunderstood. She reached under the table to grasp his hand. She expected him to pull away from her but she wanted him to know she understood him. She was surprised when he gripped her hand tightly while never looking up or changing his expression.
When the song ended, the students applauded loudly and Sasha used the opportunity to speak to him without being heard. "I'll handle lights out for Slytherin and say you are ill if you want to turn in early.
He looked at her with gratitude in his eyes and exhaustion in his voice. Thank you Sasha"
"No Trouble at all." She patted his hand.
"Will you come over afterwards?" his beautiful voice sounded so forlorn.
"Sure. Want me to bring some Kentucky Bourbon?"
"No." He smiled sadly. "Just yourself."
When she arrived at this room he had the window open and an unseasonably warm breeze was blowing in. He had moved the couch to face the window and was sitting with this long legs stretched out and his feet propped up on the windowsill crossed at the ankles. His black robes were tossed aside and he sat there in dark trousers and his white shirt open around the collar, exposing his collarbone. She couldn't resist. She touched the back of his neck. "Showing some skin? How out of character." She teased.
He gave a weak smile while a shiver went down his back. "My head is splitting and my neck and shoulders are tense. Must be the weather."
"Surely you have a potion that would take care of that."
"I prefer to suffer today."
She hopped up on the back of the couch and slid between him and the furniture. He was surprised and moved forward. "Sit back." She said easing him to lean back against her.
"Sasha what?"
"Shhh, relax. I won't try anything. This will help you feel better." She rubbed his temples and head and could gradually feel him start to relax. Through the open window she could hear someone playing "Stairway to Heaven." "Do you want to talk while I listen or shall I just try to take your mind off it?"
"Take my mind off it." He wanted to think about anything but what happened to Lily that fateful Halloween night.
She didn't miss a beat. "Zeppelin never goes out of vogue I see."
"Typical Gryffindor playing music after lights out." He snarled.
"Oh relax. They only do a couple songs every night before they turn in. It's not hurting you. It's nice actually." She rubbed his shoulders while he groaned with pleasure.
"This song reminds me of Lily." Immediately he regretted saying that to her. He just felt so bloody comfortable when he was with her that he found himself saying things he never intended to say to anyone. It was like he was drunk. Now she would think of that every time they played that song and they played that song all the bloody time.
"Is there anything that doesn't remind you of Lily?" she sighed.
Slytherin tendencies kicked in immediately as saw his opening to recover. "Gorgeous blond witches rubbing my shoulders." He said leaning his head back against her.
"Oh my. Good answer. Fifty points for Slytherin." She teased and he laughed softly and pressed her forehead against his cheek. She was the only person he felt comfortable laughing with. "Suave under pressure Professor Snape."
"That's me."
"Do you like LedZepplin?"
"Yes, very natural sound and thoughtful lyrics."
"I knew it!" She said triumphantly. "I could never be friends with someone who didn't love them."
"Pfft. There's a lofty criteria." He laughed, but here was a chance to cross something off the list. "So they're your favorite?"
"By a mile."
"Favorite song?"
"You first and don't say Stairway, that's too easy."
"Thank You."
"I should have known. If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you."
"Sorry. Hope I didn't' ruin it for you. Yours?"
"Well until now it was 'Thank You' but now I'll go with Immigrant Song. It reminds me of the Karkaroff brothers." Take that snarky.
He gave a low growl. "How are things with you and Ivan?"
"Oh I don't know. He's wonderful. He's perfect for me but I just don't feel a strong connection yet. Plus every time were together I feel like Igor's looking down on us and I imagine funny things he might say to heckle us. I suppose you think that's weird."
"Very. What do you imagine him saying?" He was suddenly afraid she would mistake his voice for Karkaroff's. He wondered how it sounded in her head.
"Like the day he took me to Madame Puddifut's. Igor wouldn't have been caught dead in that place so I imagine him laughing at the choice and telling him he's being cheesy. And the bracelet, Igor would have said he was trying too hard and to quit sucking up."
"Hmm, he would have said that about my present too."
"He wouldn't dare say that about you in my presence. I'd level him. You know the last present he gave me was after he died. Ivan brought me a picture of the two of us that Igor wanted me to have."
Severus was growing weary of this subject. "If he was such an expert on women, he would have had you."
"Ha! Touché'. I'll remember that." She laughed softly. "If he's listening, he's seriously mad at you right now."
"As if I care."
"Are you feeling better yet?"
"Starting to."
"Brilliant."
"How are your classes going?" It was his turn to make small talk.
"They really are insufferable prats."
This shocked him and he laughed hard at this. It felt good to laugh hard. He couldn't remember his last real belly laugh. "I'm shocked. Little Miss Mary Sue Malfoy hates children. I never would have guessed."
She pushed his head forward playfully. "Stop it. I don't hate children. There a very good lot actually but you know there are always one or two in every class that you'd like to knock out."
"More than one or two."
"Only if it's full of Slytherins. You know I've never seen such a group of children more full of themselves."
"Really? I can think of another."
"Oh stop it. Severus I just can't help but think that we really aren't doing these children any favors letting them parade around all puffed up over bloodlines that they didn't do anything to deserve. Don't you think if we rethought our sorting process that this might alleviate some of this behavior?"
He was impressed that she had given the issue this much thought but didn't want to waste precious moments with her.
"Sasha?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up and rub my shoulders."
"Gladly."
The remained silent listening to the music and enjoying the last warm autumn breeze. In due time they drifted once again off to sleep together.
Severus awoke to feel Sasha's jerky movements behind him. "Severus!"
"Yes." He was incoherent.
"Severus!" Her voice was urgent.
"I'm right here." He turned and put his strong hands on her shoulders to steady her.
"Don't go. Please don't go." Desperation was in her screams.
"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." He tried in vain to comfort her from this unknown fear.
"Please don't go." She sobbed. "Regs stop him. You have to stop him. Don't let him."
"Sasha, wake up."
"Don't let him do it Regs. Please don't Severus. Don't take the mark. Please don't, she's not worth it." The words hit him like a clenched fist.
"Sasha, wake up you're dreaming."
"I love you." She cried. "Come back to me. Please, I could make you so happy. Don't go. Stay here; come to the ball with me. Please just give me a chance. Don't leave me." She leaned her head against him convulsing with tears.
"Shhhh. I'm here Sasha. I'm not going anywhere."
"Don't leave me." She wailed in his arms.
"I'll never leave you. Shhhh. It's all right. I'm here."
"Stay with me Severus. I love you." He quickly lowered his head to look into her eyes but she was still asleep.
"I'm right here. Shhhhh." He kissed the top of her head and rocked her body slowly back and forth until her sobs subsided and she was calm. She never awakened and was soon sleeping peacefully in his arms. Gently he lifted her and carried her over to his bed and set her down. He knew he should be a gentleman and sleep on the couch but he was afraid if she started to dream again and he wasn't right there, she would become hysterical and thrash about again. He slipped into bed beside her and put one arm over her so she could feel him close to her. Finally we're in bed together and this is all it is. Bloody hell.
