And When I Wake

Chapter 45

"I'm sorry, Hotch." Reid sounded dejected. "There was just nothing obvious. Garcia gave me everything she possibly could. I even had her run background on thirteen of them. But I couldn't make anything of it."

"It's not your fault, Pretty Boy. There's no one else who could even have looked at all of that. If you couldn't see it, there was nothing there to be seen."

"Maybe it's not even the same strain." Kate tried to be encouraging.

It was Friday, and they'd learned just yesterday that another four year old had been diagnosed with pneumococcal meningitis. Kimura had been in phone contact with the doctors at Boston Children's just before she joined the BAU team's meeting.

"I'm going to need to go up there to examine the specimens myself, and bring them back to our lab. It's not necessarily our strain, Spencer," also trying to be encouraging. "A hospital this size serves such a large population of children that it's normal for them to have at least a few cases of meningitis per year."

"Then why…." Started JJ.

Kimura anticipated the question. "Because of the rapidity of the course. The child went to preschool Wednesday morning, and was in the emergency department by Wednesday evening. It's not unheard of, but there's often some sort of prodrome, even if parents might not recognize it at the time. This time, it looked like it went rapidly from the blood to the spinal fluid, which has been typical of our strain."

Rossi wanted clarification. "Are you saying it's not necessarily so? That it can be that rapid in other circumstances as well?"

Kimura nodded. "A variety of them. It might be the child's anatomy, or their immune system. Or it might even be due to a wild-type mutation, meaning one we didn't cause in the lab. That's why I need to look into it myself."

Morgan remembered the last time Kimura had traveled to pick up a sample. "Doc, are you sure you don't need somebody to go with you?"

Hotch answered in her place. "Dr. Kimura will be accompanied at all times, by agents from the Boston office."

JJ sent an approving glance in Hotch's direction, then looked to Reid, expecting to see him doing the same. But he wasn't. His gaze was fixed to the file folder in front of him. From the stillness of his eyes, and that of his fingers, she knew he wasn't reading. He was simply staring.

He thinks it's his fault. Ah, Spence, why do you always assume the burden of responsibility for everything?

It was a rhetorical question. She knew the reason. He'd told her long ago. As a boy, his mother had ingrained it in him. He was gifted, and he must use his gifts for the benefit of others. His superior intelligence demanded superior product. It was why, when all the rest resigned themselves to their inability to understand, let along predict, the actions of an unsub, Reid's response to the same situation was nearly always 'I should have'. It was also why she so inclined to think of him as noble, and gallant.

Arthur. Maybe I should have called him 'Galahad'.

They hadn't been serious, last weekend. Not about actually submitting the profiles, anyway. But there had been that moment. That one moment had stuck with each of them. Separately. Not forgotten, but also not discussed. Nor would it be.

Especially not now. Thank God he hasn't asked about the attorney. But, even if he does…..I can't tell him. I just need to do what I need to do. He doesn't need to know why.

She'd managed to evade the subject all week, because they were both too involved in the intense search for the people responsible for contaminating the vaccines. That it had ended in failure was painful to all of them, especially because of the possibility that yet another child had fallen victim.

But that didn't mean she'd been able to avoid her own ruminations on it. In fact, she'd slept only when utter exhaustion closed her eyes. She'd been given an impossible choice to make, and the last person she could discuss it with was her best friend.

There would be no point to it, anyway. I already know what he'd say. No, this is one I have to take care of on my own.

A sense of guilt plagued her, that the downturn in the case should have afforded her some relief from his curiosity. He'd been intensely focused, frustrated at his inability to find what he was looking for, despite his foretelling of exactly that. She'd spent much of the week trying to keep him calm.

"Take a break, Spence. You need to give your eyes a rest, if nothing else. Come on, let's get some air. And some decent coffee."

She'd virtually pushed him outside, and the two of them instinctively headed to the coffee shop. Despite the renovations to the DHS building, they apparently hadn't invested in quality coffeemakers.

Over the past two weeks, they'd each desensitized a bit to being in the vicinity of the bus explosion. But the café was immediately beside the dry cleaning shop where they'd sought shelter from the hanta-laden powder, and being that close resurrected memories that had never fallen all that deeply beneath the surface. As Reid held the door for her to enter the café, JJ looked at the storefront next door, and then up to him. His eyes were focused on the store window as well.

Brushing past him, JJ waited for him to catch up, as they got in line. She could feel the tension in him, and knew that not all of it was connected to the case. At least part of it was because he still felt like he'd contributed to her becoming infected, through his actions in the dry cleaners, no matter how often he'd been assured otherwise.

She moved in close to him, and put her hand on his back in a show of support, receiving a self-conscious smile in return. But it didn't feel like enough. So she put her arm around his waist, and felt his arm reflexively move around her shoulders. They managed a short hug before they reached the barista and placed their orders. The café was crowded….apparently none of the DHS workers appreciated their government-brewed coffee either…..so they took their drinks and strolled slowly back toward the office.

"You okay?" asked Reid.

She knew what he was talking about. "Better every day. It doesn't get to me like it did at the beginning." Besides which, I've got plenty to distract me. "How about you?"

"I'm good." Even if he hadn't been, just a few minutes ago. "I just wish I could break this case. Every day that passes is a day closer to when we might hear of another child who's become ill. It's frustrating. I know I told Hotch that I wasn't hopeful. And I meant that. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something. Something obvious."

"You can't own all of it, Spence. We're a team. It's not you who hasn't solved it. It's us. All of us."

Feeling as though they'd inadvertently laid the entire burden of the investigation on Reid. She'd been about to suggest they launch into a two-person back-and-forth, to see what might shake loose, when both of their cells sounded. It was Garcia, with the news Reid had been dreading. Another child was ill.

That had been yesterday. The guilt that had entered Reid's eyes at the news lingered still. As they left the meeting heading once again to DHS, JJ tried to encourage him.

"You heard Kimura, didn't you? It might just be one of the types of cases they see all the time. It might not even be from the contaminant."

"But she said there was suspicion, because of how aggressive the meningitis was."

"Suspicion isn't proof, Spence. And, even if it is, it isn't your fault. I know you know that, deep inside. Don't you?"

He shook his head. "The only thing I know is that I'm missing something. I can feel it. Why can't I see it?"

She studied him for a little bit. "I think you need a break. And you're going to get one, tomorrow. It's Saturday, and you and I have a standing date at ten AM."

"JJ, I don't think…"

"Hush. You remember how it felt last week, don't you? You need to give your brain a break, Spence. Get a little physical exercise. I'll bet you haven't been to PT once this week. Am I right?"

"I didn't have time."

"Make time. Tomorrow morning. I promise you, it will help you think. And, besides, there's somebody who's been asking when his Uncle Spence is coming to visit."

He looked over at her, surprised at himself. "I almost forgot. It's your weekend, isn't it?"

He was going to have to keep Henry's schedule in mind when he accepted or declined his invitations to JJ's. If he didn't go this weekend, it would be another two weeks before he could see his little blonde buddy.

"All right. But only for a little while. I'll be there at ten."


"Hi, Uncle Spence! You look funny!" shouted the little unfiltered blonde.

Henry had never seen Reid in anything but long pants before. And, usually, a tie and a sweater vest.

Reid made a show of looking down his long legs to his running shoes. "Whatever do you mean?"

But he had to admit, his legs were skinny, and his knees were pretty knobby, and maybe the bandanna holding his hair in place was a bit much.

"Spence, hi, come on in!" JJ had stuck her head out of the kitchen to shout her greeting down the hallway. "I'm just finishing cleaning up from his majesty's breakfast."

The kitchen was only a few strides down the hall for Reid. "So late?"

"Mommy let me watch cartoons. Superman and Batman!"

"No Spiderman? And hey, by the way, where's your webslinger?" Henry's cast had been replaced.

"I don't need it anymore….I'm almost all better!"

"Well, that's great news! But I'm sorry about the webslinger."

"That's okay, Uncle Spence. Daddy said I can get a Bat-belt."

"What's a Bat-belt?"

"It's what Batman has for all his stuff. Don't you know Batman, Uncle Spence?"

"As a matter of fact, I do. Personally. I even met him once."

Little eyes as big as saucers. "You did?"

JJ watched in bemusement.

"Mm-hmm. It was at an amazing place called ComicCon. Maybe you can come with me some time."

Henry turned to his mother. "Can I, Mom? Can I? Maybe you can come with us." Turning back to his godfather. "Can Mommy come, too?"

Reid looked triumphantly at his godson's mother. "Sure. We can all go."

JJ could only bite her lip and shake her head. But there was laughter in her eyes.

"Little man, go and get your shoes on. And don't forget your bike helmet. And your pads."

Once they were alone, Reid asked, "He's riding?"

"The doctor said it was okay, now that he's got the short cast on. But we'll be keeping the training wheels for a good long while."

He smiled. "It's hard to let go, isn't it?"

Caught off guard, she felt her heart clutch, and she filled up almost at once. He couldn't have known, but his choice of words had struck a nerve that had been raw all week. JJ couldn't contain her response, but she didn't want him to see. So she moved to the pantry and pushed a few items around, pretending to be looking for something.

She could hide her face, but she couldn't hide her body language. Behind her, Reid noted the barely-suppressed show of upset.

What's this about? And why doesn't she want me to know?

But he respected her privacy, and her right to choose to whether or not to tell him. So, instead of prying, he gave her the space she seemed to need, and went in search of his godson.

"Hey, Henry, which superhero is on your helmet?"


The run was a little less grueling this time, but equally exhilarating. And it came with its own comic relief, in the person of Henry, keeping pace with them on his bicycle.

"How come your face is all red, Uncle Spence?"

"Why is Mommy faster than you, Uncle Spence?"

"Look, Mommy, no hands!"

Followed immediately by a stereo rendition of "Henry!"

They lunched together again, and then Reid begged off. He wanted to get back to work. But he had a question to ask, first. He'd been thinking about it ever since realizing she was holding something back from him.

"So, how did it go with your attorney? Did she meet with Will's?"

He could almost watch her assemble her facial features.

Not so good at hiding your microexpressions when I'm expecting it.

But it told him that he'd found the right subject matter. The one least available to him.

"They met. And it's going. There's a court date in a few weeks."

"That long?"

"I guess there are a lot of us. Sadly."

"Is…" Wanting to ask if Will was behaving well with it, but feeling that it wasn't his place. So he revised his words. "Is Sarah confident she can help?"

"That's what I'm paying her for." Deflecting.

Okay, have it your way, for now. But I'm watching you. And I'll do whatever it takes to keep you and Henry from being hurt.

"Good. Well, I guess I'll see you on Monday. Thanks for the torture…and the lunch."

"Ha. Yeah, I'll see you on Monday. NSA, right? Should I pick you up after I drop Henry?"

"Deal."

"Spence?" She called to him through the screen door. "Make sure you get some rest. And relax a little, okay?"

"I will if you will."


Monday morning, and the ride to Fort Meade was taking place largely in silence. Kimura had returned from Boston with a sample of the spinal fluid of the latest meningitis patient. Over the weekend, she'd been able to confirm that the infection had, indeed, been caused by the contaminant developed in her lab.

She'd sounded dejected when Reid had spoken to her on the phone.

"I thought we were doing something good, and it's been used for evil."

"It's not your fault. You can't be responsible for what a terrorist cell has decided to do. Congressional committees notwithstanding."

"Ugh, please, I'm not looking forward to that, as I'm sure you'll understand. You and JJ have had more than your share of that experience."

"Tell me about it. Have they made it official yet, for you?" He only knew that she'd been summoned.

Her response was preceded by a huge sigh. "It was supposed to be next week. But current circumstances may change that."

"How?"

"It's been decided that we need to put out a nationwide recall on the vaccine. That will raise concern all around. And we can be sure that the anti-vaccine movement will take full advantage, to frighten parents into refusing all vaccines."

Unseen, Reid could only shake his head. "It's what they want…the terrorists. They want people to feel unsafe everywhere."

"They will be unsafe everywhere, Spencer. Because, after we have a nation of unimmunized children, it won't take a mutated strain of anything to kill them. They'll begin dying of things we've long since thought we'd seen the last of."

"Vaccine-preventable illnesses. The organisms are still out there, aren't they?"

"They are. But there's something that frightens me more."

"What?"

"Once we have an unimmunized population, it would be fairly simple to cause an epidemic, should one so desire. There are samples of unmutated specimens virtually everywhere."

Of course. It hadn't occurred to him, but she was right.

"So they don't have to release some sort of man-made biological pathogen at us. They can just help us die of things we aren't choosing to be immune to."

"Exactly."

That conversation was still echoing in Reid's mind as JJ drove them to Fort Meade. They'd just pulled into the parking area, when Reid broke the long silence between them.

"That's what they want."

Not having been privy to his inner machinations, JJ was lost. "What's what who wants?"

"It's what the terrorists want. Not just the terror. They want to lower our defenses. Biologically, I mean. They want to make our entire population susceptible, and not just to WMDs. To everything."

He waited until they were ensconced in their conference room before explaining what he meant, and recounting his conversation with Kimura.

The very idea caused her a shiver of disgust. "We can't let that happen, Spence. What kind of world would it be for Henry, or for anybody's child?"

For almost anyone else, there would have been a delay between the auditory input and the verbal explosion that followed. Some time for processing, at least. But not for Reid.

JJ had barely gotten the words out, when he shouted, "That's it! That's what I couldn't see! JJ, you're a genius!"