Ana's POV
My hand tingled as I followed Christian to his bedroom. My skin remembered edges of his scar under it. He loved me and he trusted me! I thought how I feared whatever possible negative solution when I first fell for him. How ridiculous it felt now! Had I only known that he loved me too…for one moment all my fears were gone. Well, almost every fear, but I'll come to that soon enough.
Not in my wildest dreams did I think I would touch his chest. He was the bravest man I'd ever met. To be honest, I still think that way.
We entered his bedroom and he stopped to kiss me.
"I should let you sleep," Christian told as we parted our lips finally.
But there was no sleep left in me. I was more awake than ever before. "You had plans," I purred.
"Plans?" he cocked his brow. Instead of words, I kissed the corner of his mouth, moving on to give or get a full kiss. "I kind of remember those plans," he whispered into my ear and traced a series of kisses from my ear to the center of my neck.
He pushed me onto bed and continued his journey. When his hands found their way down to my hips and caressed my thighs I froze. All the sudden my own hand burnt. I realized that I was in no condition to let him touch me yet. I wanted! I really did, but it sounded so dangerous and I was so afraid of smelling burnt flesh again. I just couldn't.
"Hey, baby!" I heard Christian's voice. "I will not go there."
I watched into his eyes and felt like I had betrayed him.
"But…" I started to say and was not able to continue before his finger stopped on my lips and prevented me from talking more.
"No 'buts', baby! Today is my day and please let me be selfish enough to leave it this way."
I sighed and relaxed a little, but something stung in me and made me feel smaller and smaller.
"Ana!" Christian's voice was stern and I turned my eyes and he caught my gaze. "I would never want you to feel obligated. Even if you would plead and beg, I wouldn't touch you today or tomorrow. Heck, I think this year is too soon for you."
"But…" I started hesitantly. "What if I'll never come that far? What if…?"
"Shh!" And he kissed me; kissed as there was no tomorrow and no yesterday either. "If that's the way it will be, then I'm glad that I can still hold you close. Please don't be hard on yourself! I was ten years younger than you, when I got my scars and I'm six years older than you. I've been through therapy after therapy. It still took over twenty years and you to be able for even try."
"But I don't want to be forty by the time I'll be ready." God! There were so many thoughts and feelings. I love Christian, still do love and will love forever and I knew it all back then. I wanted to let him closer, but I was afraid, so afraid.
"But I know that I betrayed your trust once," he told with sadness in his voice. "I let that whip touch your scar and I'm so damn sorry because of that. Please, baby, give yourself some time to heal! Give me some time to prove myself! And then, maybe, if you will be ready one day, I'll be more than grateful, but that day is not here yet."
And I smiled. I must had done something good in my life to have him with me. I caressed his face and absorbed his beauty that was almost overwhelming. He pushed his lips on mine and right before deepening that kiss he whispered: "Don't over think it, baby! You are perfect the way you are."
And with that he swept all my worries away again. It was only he and I and our love. Hands searching and caring, lips sealing every promise, heat of our bodies declaring the obvious.
"I love you, Christian!" I yelled during our lovemaking.
"Oh, you do," he smiled and continued to pump into me. "And I love you!"
With those words earth shattered and stars came out from their hideaway as we came together, screaming only names into air.
It was home. It was all I needed – the man I loved, loved me back. I felt cherished and loved and secure when I finally fell asleep that night. I have to admit there was some strange cold feeling when I woke next morning and found the bed already empty.
I didn't want to wake you, my love, but I have to leave early. Please feel free to do what ever you want with your day, but stay at home. Stay safe for me! I'll try to come home early. With love Christian.
I smiled as I read that note and went to find some breakfast. It felt strange when I watched elevator doors. Once again these were closed for me. I shook my head as I tried to get rid of those thoughts. He loved me, I repeated to myself. And I wasn't a prisoner any more. These doors were meant to keep me safe, keep danger outside, away from me.
I had my manuscripts to fill the day with dreams and stories. Well, I have to admit that that day I learnt never to fall asleep behind manuscript again. I spent at least half an hour to get the papers in the right order again. It may be easy when you read something short, but with hundreds of pages it was quite a headache.
But before I started there, I asked Gail if it was okay if I made dinner that night. It was Tuesday and Tuesday was the day of paying my rent. Even if I wasn't in my apartment, all my stuff was in there.
"Hi Kate!" I called into phone.
"Hi! Please don't tell me that you'll cancel the dinner!" she begged.
"No, silly! It's just that there's some security alert and I'm in Escala instead. Do you think it would be okay if you'll come here instead of my place?"
"What? Steele, you have to tell me what's wrong!"
"Stop it, Kate! Nothing's wrong right now. It's just some kind of precaution to keep it that way. And I don't know specifics and even if I knew I wouldn't say it over the phone. So you two get your asses here tonight and then we'll talk."
"Okay-okay, I get it! But are you sure that Grey is alright with it?"
"Who do you think I am?" I laughed. For me it was so obvious to start this round with Christian that her question sounded weird. Like I was sneaking behind his back or something. "He was thrilled about the idea." And he was. He thought I would feel more like at home this way. I can't say that he was excited over the idea of me doing Gail's job, but he had agreed fairly quick. He knew I loved cooking and this was a good way distract my thoughts away from the elevator.
"He is so in you!" Kate whistled.
"Yes he is," I agreed and that was a mistake. Give some information to a journalist and you end up with twenty, no fifty, questions.
"Steele!" Kate squealed.
"Later! We have all the time to talk all evening." I hung up before she had any chance to ask any more.
Some time around noon I got text from Christian:
Is it possible that you make that lasagna of yours?
I smiled to myself. I knew Elliot loved it and if Christian asked for it as well, then lasagna it was. I talked with Gail and she assembled all the ingredients from the pantry. It was fun to cook. Gail and I chatted while we both chopped ingredients.
Kate and I didn't have much time to talk at dinner; but afterwards Kate and I went to my old room.
"Now that I haven't seen!" Kate pointed to Mr. Bear.
"Then let me introduce you. Kate that little grey fellow is Mr. Bear. Christian gave it to me in June."
Kate nodded and analyzed new piece of information.
"So you bullshitted me, when you bought that other teddy?" she asked warily. "That other one has a name as well."
"It does," I answered slowly as I blushed all shades of red. "But it really is pathetic of sort."
"What? Tell me and I promise not to laugh too loud."
"Chris. That new teddy is named Chris."
"As Christian? And it's grey as Grey?" she asked and I nodded. With one fast move Kate embraced me into big hug. "You really fell for that guy." And I nodded again. "When you told me in the summer, I couldn't think too much of it. However, it's evident that the two of you are kind of made for each other."
We sat on my bed and chatted some time and all of the sudden Kate sighed.
"I can't imagine how you felt when you first came here."
"I was terrified," I agreed and memories of Christian's anger and my fear rose before me. "But all of them, especially Gail, were so nice, so I kind of melted again." My hand was shaking as I remembered more. "But I'm not yet there, Kate. I will be, I promise."
"Hush! Don't go there if it's too painful," she begged. "Come back and tell me, is he good?"
"What?"
"Grey." she shrugged. "Come on, Steele, you obviously have had sex with him, it's written all over both of you. So? Is he good?"
"Yes he is," I laughed, "and that's the end of this topic. I will not tell you details of my sex life."
"I would tell," she encouraged me.
"And I don't want to hear them. Jesus, Kate! Some things are kept behind closed doors for reason!"
"Well, if it's public library, then there aren't too many doors to close…"
"What? When?"
"It kind of happened when Elliot came to see me for the first time."
"Second thought!" I stopped her. "I don't want to hear about it."
"Okay!" We stood in my room in silence for a moment before she asked: "Did you know from the beginning?"
"No! I was way too frightened to think clearly. Then I thought that I must have had some version of Stockholm syndrome. It took me a week or a little more to define it for myself. But I got there before going home. After that everything simply sharpened."
I must have smiled at that moment.
"I'm glad you're happy!" Kate declared.
"And you! Elliot is so right for you."
We chatted some more before guys came to find us. It was a fun relaxing evening and every one of us promised to hold those nights more often. It was good to be with Kate and it was good to see Christian and Elliot bonding again. We were a family, we still are. If we can avoid being stupid; we all will be that way forever. It would be fun to see our children, when they come, grow up together.
As soon as Kate and Elliot left we found our way to the bed. You think it was for sleeping? Well, let me tell you, we didn't sleep until both of us were exhausted. There was no way things could be boring or ordinary with Christian. That particular night he found my toes and my kneecaps. He proved to me that every single part of me could be erogenous.
"Do you miss it?" I asked as we laid in bed and waited to sleep.
"Miss what?" he asked sleepily.
"Control, playroom, subs?"
"No, not exactly," he asked after a pause. "Sometimes I think that I miss control, but I don't miss other parts. I would never change love back to the mindless and emotionless sex."
"But if you could have both?"
"I don't know if I follow you correctly," he said cautiously. "What I have with you is more than enough."
I remember my own nervousness. I think my heart beat more than hundred times a minute at that moment. I sighed and took a huge gulp of fresh air before continuing.
"I trust you. I trust you enough to not touch my scar and to not hurt me."
"No, baby! I would never do that for you. Never!"
"But what if I wanted?"
"Why would you?"
Why would I? I knew how I felt, but I wasn't sure I was able to give that to him. Some parts of me were intrigued by the thought of him dominating over me. It just was so damn sexy when he commanded. I had boundaries, I knew that, but I still wanted to know if there was some positive element in it if it was done with the partner you loved. All the Internet was full of stories where people really liked that kind of activity. I didn't mean all the hard stuff. I was terrified of whips and canes. c I think that's something that would never change, but there was so much more and I wanted to explore it a little bit more.
I wanted to know if that could be a way to come over some really deep scars that were in my soul from the spring. But I had carried that thought all summer. I wanted to test something, when I healed enough. I didn't believe that the day was here already, but it was coming some day.
I tried to explain it all to Christian and he listened. When I finished, he was silent for so long that I thought he went to sleep already. I was ashamed. I blushed and cursed for being so silly and naïve again. I was damaged goods after all.
"Let's put it on a shelf right now," Christian finally answered. "Right now is the wrong time for both of us. Gosh I beat you when you left and I only got you back next to me. No matter how ready you could be or how willing to try, I don't think I'm ready for any of this. Let me just feel you close to me. Let me love you and spoil you for a while."
And with that promise I fell asleep.
