Hello, hello, hello!
So here we go, the aftermath of Robyn's control issues! It's a bit of a longer update, mainly to move this more intermediary section through quicker. So less action this time, but kinda vital character sheeeeeit.
Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.
The ride back was tense. Every jostle, or out of place noise, had me flinching like an idiot. It's like I'm expecting Kenny to just jump out at me. Like those shackles are just waiting to land on my mind again, to bind me in that strange darkness. What else could they make me do? What would the royals make me do to my loved ones? Or was the better question, what couldn't they make me do? It would likely be a shorter list. I fear that binding, and yet have to keep asking for real shackles. But they won't do it. No one wants to put actual shackles on me, and I don't fucking understand why. They see no reason to, as none of them knew the phrasing. I think I do, though. I know Kenny said it, but as soon as I try and remember, it's like smoke drifting between my fingers. Untouchable. In all honesty I dunno why Kenny didn't command me to forget it entirely. Or was that him trying to be, his own version of kind?
I have no idea.
All I know is that, the words have something to do with blood.
My friends all know this now, it's all I can give them.
But still, there's too damned much that I just don't know.
I keep trying to push my mind back, to see what else I can remember, what else I can find. But my mind won't co-operate. I get to the sound of flames, and the smell of smoke and have to stop. I try and push past that basement, past those dead bodies. I need to get beyond that. Beyond being pushed to the side of the street. I need to remember what came beforehand.
Dammit I can't even do that?!
It's useless.
I'm useless.
Nothing but a Sanshi whor-
"Robyn!"
I jolt and look at Mikasa across the wagon. The world stills, and the wheels still rumble along the track. I dunno why, but she's looking at me warily. How long had I zoned out? As soon as I'd managed to calm down from Kenny's attack, I'd asked her to move away from me. I liked sitting with her, but I didn't want to keep depending on her. It wasn't right.
I tilt my head but then feel that warmth against my upper lip.
Oh.
I did it again, didn't I?
Mikasa frowns and leans forward. "Stop pushing yourself so hard. All you're doing, is hurting yourself. You have time to figure this out, it isn't like we expect it to be fixed right away." The frown gives way to a kind smile, but I can only half return it.
No matter how warmly she looks at me, I can't help but think back to her words in that bathroom. She hates this. My dependency, my need for help, my inability to do this shit alone. She probably hates me, by this point.
Not that I can blame her.
There's plenty to hate.
I'm nothing but a Sanshi whore after all.
"Oi, Robyn, time to get up. We're back." I hear Levi and blink – what?
When did I fall asleep?
I swallow hard and sit up. "Y-Yeah of course." I get up, ignoring the hand he held out to help me down. "How long we been back? I didn't mean to fall asleep, sorry." I scrape my hair back into a tie and he lowers the hand with a slight look of hurt. It isn't that I don't want to be near him, I just don't want to risk this useless body lashing out at him again. Then again, if it did, maybe he'd actually finish me off this time.
Levi leads the way back into HQ. "Not long, we got the horses away before waking you. It's fine, you probably need the rest more than anyone else."
"How's Jean doing?" I ask, as I clear my throat.
Jean certainly needed the rest more than I did, the man had been shot.
"Doing fine, a little tender after the ride, but he's gone to get properly checked out. He's healing well, the bullet went right through anyway."
"Mm." I nod and look up at the HQ. Didn't really look any different, and in all honesty I dunno why that feels like a surprise to me. Why would it? Just because I've come back as a broken puppet, doesn't mean anything else in the world has changed. I hug myself tightly. I sincerely hope this building is safe from me. I seem to be breaking a lot of things at the moment, please don't let this place be one of them?
Levi leads me in and takes me straight to Hanji's office. Guess there was no point in heading to our room, he knew I wasn't going to be able to settle. I want to do something about this, I need to be active. I need to beat this back to where it belongs, buried in the past and forgotten.
As acting Commander, Hanji had the proper digs for now. Though I admit, it's very surreal being in here without the Commander behind that desk. Erwin fit into this place like the brickwork itself. Damn, I hope him and Keza are all right. I sit down and take the tea I'm offered by Levi. His eyes are glued to me, but I can't meet his. Right now, I can't stand to even think of what I might have managed to do. That blade had been far too close to striking home. To claiming his heart. The tea steams, gradually cooling between my pale hands. Levi and Hanji speak around me, their voice warbling on till they occasionally rise or fall. It was an intense discussion. Levi was telling her all about the mission, and he left no detail out. Apparently full disclosure was important right now.
Then there's quiet.
The tea's gone cold.
Levi's hand comes into view and takes the untouched cup away. My hands clench, and I glance up, finding them both looking at me expectantly. I swallow. Had they asked me a question? I had no clue.
"Um... Sorry, what?"
They both sigh.
Oh dear, that wasn't the right response.
"Don't shut down, kiddo." Hanji smiles and comes over, she kneels down and touches my cheek. This is too tender. But the bolo-tie suits her. "We'll figure this out."
"And if we can't?" I ask, voice scratchy from lacking use.
They both pause.
They don't want to think about it, and frankly I don't blame them. If the roles were reversed – well no, when they were reversed, I only wanted to think the best of Levi. To assume his innocence. To help him come back to us. It was in my every waking moment. But even with that in mind, I have to remember that this isn't the same. Levi was conditioned, yes, but at least we could figure out why. He only attacked me, he'd only been conditioned to suspect me. Everyone else had been safe. In this case, I seemed to be a wild canon, able to be aimed at anyone at any time. How could we even hope to fight that?
"There are ways to deal with this." Hanji continues, undeterred. "All we need to do is tread lightly." Hanji smiles.
I feel cold.
Hanji was being cautious. I should be grateful for that, I should be calmed by the fact she wasn't being taken away with excitement, and turning me into a lab-rat. However, right now? I feel this pooling sense of dread instead. This kind of caution wasn't borne of compassion, it was of anxiety. She had no idea what to do, she had no theories, no plans. I feel my palms sweat. This was new territory, a new enemy, and it was me.
"Maybe we could start with-"
I interrupt her with a clearing of my throat. "I should stay in a cell f-for now."
"Robyn..." Hanji starts, looking unsure.
"At least, until we know what we're dealing with." I add with a small smile and shrug, gladly taking her hands when she tries to take mine. I squeeze. "For everyone's peace-of-mind, especially my own. I just want you guys safe."
"If that's what you want." Levi nods, arms folded, but expression calm.
In all honesty, I'm surprised. I fully expected him to fight me on it, to object to my attitude. But I see only empathy, and understanding in his eyes. He knows this feeling, this sensation of not being in control of your own body. I'm glad he's allowing me this, but I also worry about what he already knows, that he won't tell me.
"Can I go down there now?" I ask, and Hanji continues to look unconvinced. "I just... I want to lie down for a while. It was a long journey." I swallow hard and feel Hanji squeeze my hands again before letting go.
"Yeah, okay Kiddo, you go rest up. We'll come up with a couple ideas for helping you through this. I'll have a guard stay nearby, so if you need anything just yell, okay? You're not a prisoner." Hanji smiles and I return it as best I can.
Levi offers his hand again, and whilst I hesitate, I do take it. The way he winced outside, it was clear that avoiding contact was only going to hurt him more. At this point, I really shouldn't be making extra issue. I was the problem here, the least I could do was try and diminish the pain. I take his hand and let him lead the way, noting how warm his skin feels to me in that moment.
After a couple corridors in silence, I give his hand a slight squeeze. "How's the cut feeling?"
"It's fine," he holds the arm in question up slightly, turning it over a few times. "Barely more than a flesh wound, I assure you." He gives a slight side-smile to me, but he's only glancing my way. I can only guess what's going on in his head. He would want to comfort me, but having been in the thick of this himself, he couldn't stand to lie to me either. I don't envy him, but I also don't want to try and remove that worry. If I breach the subject, he'll only worry more.
We head down the stairs towards the cells.
I smell the rust and unintentionally hold his hand tighter. "When you were still under their control, did you get much sleep?"
His thumb rubs the back of my hand. "Not much, but at least you know you're not only conditioned to hurt me, to come after me."
"Y-Yeah..."
"I knew somewhere deep inside me, that I didn't really want to hurt you, but at the same time, knew I couldn't avoid it. That was the main reason I could never settle."
He unlocks the cell and goes inside to sort things out. He makes me wait whilst he gives it a clean, sets up the bed properly and even gets me and lantern and extra blankets. Like it was a holiday or something. I make to go inside, but he holds onto my arm at first. I don't fight him, but I don't look up either. My eyes are fixed on that bandage. The one I put there. Yet here he was, ensuring this fucking troublesome brat was comfortable. I swallow hard and hope he leaves before my eyes get any warmer.
He hasn't let go yet. "Look at me, Robyn." He sighs, squeezing gently.
I do as told.
He raises his brows, apparently not having expected such a blank response. It feels like I'm trying to interact with him through water. He's there but I can't quite reach him.
"Is there anything I can do, right now? You know, other than remind you that you're not alone." He smirks and touches my cheek, a frown appearing when he gets a real sense of how much I'm trembling. "Robyn please... Don't slip away from me, now."
"I d-don't want to..." I whisper, biting my lip and feeling his thumb run along my cheekbone. "But I don't want to hurt you, either."
"I don't think you will hurt me, but I know why you don't trust yourself." He leans in and kisses my head. "Have that lie-down. I'll go hash out a few ideas with Glasses. If you need anything at all, just call for the guard." He lingers against my skin, but finally lets me go, and then locks the door without me having to ask.
I sit on the bed and lay down under the blankets once I've got my boots off. He lingers for that long, gives a small wave, then heads off with his sigh hanging in the air. He was frustrated, but I think deep down, I know it isn't at me.
The bars are thick down here, rusted but strong. The walls are sturdy and easily capable of withholding anything my mad mind decided to attempt. This was secure.
This made them safe.
I close my eyes and try to sleep.
LEVI POV
"No Hanji, leave her alone. At least for a while. Unless she wants it? No visits, no nothing. She needs solitude." I try to explain, but those damn eyes are watching me, and as she shifts those glasses up her nose, I know I'm not getting away with that vagueness.
Hanji clears her throat, folds her arms, and settles in. Dammit, where was the easily distracted Shitty-Glasses when I needed her? "All right, no visiting Robyn. But Captain, care to share the insight you so clearly have into the matter? Come on, let us all be on the same page at least?"
"It isn't that I wanna keep you in the dark, but-"
"But nothing, mister, you spit it out right now or so help me I'll go sit next to her all night." Hanji snaps, and I look at her in surprise. She'd never really spoken to me like that, it seemed the role of Commander was suiting her. The woman lowers her pointing finger thankfully, and clears her throat. "You saw the look in her eyes. Robyn's adrift right now, and we need to help her keep a hold of herself."
"Don't you get it?" I growl, unable to withhold my frustration. The woman's mouth thankfully closes.
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. It was a mess. A damned mess, within a mess, wrapped in a fucking nest of a mess. I kind of wish I didn't understand.
"I just... Look, I know what's going on in her head. Or at least part of it."
"Then help me to, as well." Hanji pleads, and I grumble under my breath. It was true, the Commander needed to know. Not only that, but she adored Robyn, and couldn't stand the ignorance much longer.
I lick my lips. "When they do this to you, when you know that they have control... You feel those strings cut into your wrists, your ankles, your spine. Fuck, it's like it's woven through every muscle. You're not sure you're doing anything by your own will."
"Levi..."
"It isn't your fault that you don't understand Hanji, fuck sake I'm glad you don't." I don't bother to look at the pitying expression, I don't want it, I don't need it. Hell if I deserve it, either. "But I've been there, or at least a version of it. There's still mornings where I wake up, and wonder if the control's come back. If I do something without thinking, was it me or them? But this... For Robyn it seems so far beyond that, like her whole life might have been at the end of a string."
Hanji sits down and smiles softly in understanding, and as she takes her glasses off I relax a bit. Good, I'm talking to my old comrade, not my acting Commander. Good to know.
She tilts her head at me. "All right, Levi, I get it, I need a crash course. You're the closest to Robyn, likely closer than anyone else has ever been, except maybe Keza. I can figure out the nuts and bolts, but you know what's going on under that. I say she's adrift, and you seem against those words. Why? Help me understand."
I pace.
I pace for a while, but she doesn't stop me.
For once, Hanji is taking a back-seat and I'm damned grateful to her.
"As soon as we found out what was going on, that Kenny was controlling her, Robyn fought like hell. In typical Robyn fashion, she was gonna let herself bleed out through her nose at one point, she was fighting so hard. But... As it went on, I saw it in her eyes..."
The fire faded. I knew the shadows were leeching into everything. It was like when she first wakes from a nightmare; eyes full of panic and shadow. It was the most commonplace thing for her, and also my worst fear. Dammit, I still didn't know how to get rid of those, and in the end, I guess this time-bomb was why. There was a reason she never forgot those flames, there was a reason she reacted so damned violently when she finally had the chance to kill her father. To think... If he had seen her coming, if he had managed to say the words when he was in line as a simple convict? I shudder. Vincent could have broken out, taken her to the Capital and the royals would already have had their weapon. Fuck.
"Adrift isn't the right word." I start, mouth feeling pretty damned dry. "When Robyn is against something, she rages out, she fights like hell, normally the problem is holding her crazy-ass back. But this? This isn't something she can rage against, not only is it a non-entity in her own head, but... She's finally run out of breath."
"Run out of breath?" Hanji breathes anxiously.
When I look to her, I am very glad to see the same kind of apprehension that I feel thrumming in my own head. As I speak, the situation is becoming clearer to me. And that's really pretty frightening in itself.
"This is what she was always running from, Hanji. Ever since she ran away from that burnt down house. She didn't know what it was, she thought it was just her past but... She ran so hard, for so fucking long. We've all accomplished so much together and yet- And yet..." I try to swallow past the lump in my throat.
Dammit, me panicking is not what is needed right now.
"Now the past is back stronger than ever." Hanji says, and I nod, my hands curling into fists.
"Exactly. She's still his puppet." I sigh, knowing that was the heart of the matter.
Beyond having been forced to hurt me, Robyn knew this was her father's doing. I saw it break inside her, like a glass put under too much pressure. She knew now, that she'd never really escaped Vincent.
"It's like it no longer matters that she killed him, that she kept that promise, that she learned to fight back. Those strings were around her the whole time, and the only fucking reason she was free for this long, was because the damned royals didn't have the fucking right words."
"Like it was all for nothing." Hanji summarises, her voice thick as she blinks through some tears. I hand her a handkerchief.
"They can just take it all away, now they can just put her in a box and use her up." I swallow hard, but that damned lump isn't going anywhere. "When they used me, it was for one reason, it was finite. We have no idea what they have planned for Robyn. I mean, at least we know they cant use her as some sick Shifter breeding factory, the world gave her that one small bastard of a mercy."
"Levi sit down, please, you look like you're gonna fall over." Hanji leads me to the seat and I don't deny her.
I sit down and put my head in my hands. I can't fight Robyn's mind, it's the one part of her I've never been able to fully grasp. Her heart I understand, at least I like to think I do. But her head, there was a part of me that never wanted to grasp that.
"The one consistent thing about Robyn, is her guilt." I say, the words making my tongue feel heavy. My train-of-thought is heading somewhere I'd sincerely hoped it wouldn't. Damn, I'm glad I'm sitting down.
Hanji sniffs. "What do you mean?"
"She'll look at this as confirmation." I say and as the words leave my mouth, they sink into my bones. Dammit they were so fucking true its like they're stinging my ears.
"Confirmation of what, Levi?" Hanji asks, but I know she knows the answer. She's stalling as much as I am.
I look up from under my hair, but I see that fear. We share it. Humanity's Strongest, and I'm scared of a few words. Fucking pathetic really.
"Confirmation that, we're better off without her." I whisper, voice unable to raise beyond that. I watch Glasses fall prey to those tears. They bubble up and roll down her cheeks, and for a second, I wonder if I'm gonna spill my own.
"B-But we're not!"
"I know that. You know that. But think about it, look at it from Robyn's point-of-view. She'll see it as a certainty. That's why I asked Mikasa to check in on her every half-hour. Though Kirtschtein demanded he be involved too... Idiot shouldn't be walking around so much, but he insisted. They won't say anything to her, they won't ruin the solitude, but they're gonna make damn well sure that the idiot hasn't hurt herself."
Hanji runs her hands through her hair to the point it's almost all out the tie, she loosens her collar and tugs of her jacket. Yeah, it's suffocating all right. As soldiers we had faced all manner of horror in this lifetime. Yet more often than not, the most lethal thing of all, was our own heads.
"But Levi... Why leave her alone at all?"
"Because if we just sit there and watch her, it's no different to her father. No different to controlling her. I want to at least try and let her think her way through it. I'm still stupid enough, to have the smallest shred of hope, that after everything, everything she helped me through, everything she waited for, that she might just want to fight a little longer." I shake my head, unsure where that ray of foolish optimism had come from.
"You have a lot of faith in her, don't you?" Hanji chuckles, sniffing again and I hear her trying to fight back the tears. "Ugh, what a mess. And here was me thinking I'd done my crying for the year at that damned fake funeral."
"I have faith in her stubbornness, of course." I smirk and sit up a bit, looking to the window as the light of day starts to slip out of sight. "I have to hope that she can think back further, maybe find the answer in her own head. Find the key to this conditioning."
"She's obviously blocked a lot out, you really think she can get that far back?" Hanji moves across the room and sets the kettle back on the burner. That was a good idea, if I started sipping on scotch too soon, I'd just slip into the bottle for the night.
I clasp my hands. "I know she can. Or at least I know she can dream further back. Before we went to the Underground, before this control was even known about, she was having issues. She'd passed out on her bed, and she was mumbling in her sleep but... more than usual."
"More than usual?" Hanji asks, the steam slowly beginning to rise from the kettle's spout.
I nod. "Usually it's a couple words like 'no', 'fire', 'John' or 'please', but that night it was a lot clearer. She started saying shit like, 'I don't wanna do that. Don't take me down there again. I don't want medicine.' I can only assume she meant the basement in her house, and that the medicine was to do with the conditioning." I sigh and rub my eyes. "Then again, maybe that's just me stretching too far."
"They used serums on you, didn't they?"
I shudder. "Yeah, to the point that my mind was soup. So maybe it's something similar. But nevertheless, her head reached that far back. I know the memories are there, we just... We need to try and bring them back out. Considering you're the Weirdness Expert around here, any idea how to do that?" I look up at her, unable to hide my pleading. It wasn't often I was this open with Hanji, but right now, pretence seemed so pointlessly stupid. It wouldn't matter how together I seemed, if Robyn ended up ripping her wrists open in the middle of the night.
"I may have some tonics we can try, a kind of truth serum if you wanna put it simply."
"What's in it?" I can't help but be wary as I watch the woman brew my tea.
Hanji chuckles. "Essentially it's just very, very strong alcohol with hallucinogenic herbs. Might let us break down some walls... or it might just send her into a psychotic episode." She offers each option on her hands and weighs them up with a snort. "Knowing Robyn, could be a bit of both."
"Considering the alternative? I'd say it's worth a shot. But I'll still need to talk to her first." I accept the tea and blow on it. "I think getting her calm first would be best."
"You know how to do that?" Hanji asks, sounding like she might be teasing, but then her smile becomes genuine when I give a little nod. "You really do know her." Hanji stirs some milk into her own tea.
I blow again. "I'd be a fairly shit companion if I didn't."
"Companion?" She repeats with a wrinkle on her nose.
I roll my eyes. "Well I don't exactly suit the label boyfriend, and she's not my missus, is she?"
"Might as well be." Hanji snorts into her cup, taking a sip too soon and flinching. "Fck." She whimpers, flapping at her burnt tongue.
"Well whatever the label I am to her, I reckon I know how to make her open up, make her calm for this test..." I keep blowing whilst Hanji dances about a bit.
The last time I had really felt like Robyn was just being open with me, without pretence, without trying to be better for me, or anything like that, was that bath. She had simply sat there and existed in front of me, been honest about dependency and laughing about connection. That was my best bet, and let's face it, I wouldn't mind an excuse to give her a bath again. Though maybe this time I won't join her.
I walk along the corridor, intending on heading for my office to kill some time. The I slow down. There was someone else that I could try and get some insight out of.
They were hardly on good terms at the moment, but still, Jeager was the one that had helped her during those six months. Maybe he would have a better idea on how to help her? Or another angle to consider. It'd be pretty foolish to not at least investigate. I look along the corridor and feel my nails bite into my palms. Yeah, yeah, I hate it, I really do. But fuck my pride. Right now, I just need to know the shadows aren't gonna steal her away when I'm not watching her.
I head to his quarters, only to find the shitty-brat sat at his desk over some blank parchment. He'd left the door ajar, but I guess he did that to let people know he was available. Glasses did that too. I watch him, that quill hovering over the blank page before receding again to linger at the ink pot. This repeats a couple times. Whatever he was doing, he wasn't sure how to do it. Guessing from the clenched hand on the other side of the paper, and the slightly pink look to the ends of his ears, I'm gonna go ahead and make the bold assumption, he's trying to write to Robyn.
It's endearing, but it's still fucking cowardly.
I knock lightly. You could have accused me of throwing a fucking torch in his lap, the way he jumps up and spins round. His chair clatters off the ground, the quill finally hits the parchment, scrawling ink all over it. He stares at me and I just raise a brow at him. It takes a couple seconds, but he blinks, flounders over to the door to open it properly, gets the chair off the floor and throws a sloppy salute into place. The kid was a mess. Can't deny that I'm sort of glad about that.
"Am I interrupting?" I nod to the desk, and he glances that way before groaning at the mess.
"Not at all, sir, I was just... Well I was-"
"Writing a letter, I'd assume." I shrug, walking in and closing the door. I lean against it and watch him attempt, and fail, to clean up. "I'd take a guess at who it was for, but I can't really be bothered with you attempting to lie your way out of it."
Has the bastard actually gotten taller, yet again? Or does he just look taller because we're in this box of a room? For the sake of my patience, I'll assume its the room. But at this rate, he was gonna catch up to Erwin. Bastard kids grew like weeds.
Jeager smooths himself down and shifts his weight. Is this actually is the same guy? The same brat, that marched me outside and lectured me on my attachment to Robyn. The brat, who swore he'd kill me if I ever hurt her again. Right now? Nah, he isn't him. Right now he's an ashamed little mutt, with its tail between it's legs.
Problem is, I kind of need him to be the brat again.
Eren clears his throat. "So sir... What um... What did you come to speak to me about?"
"I came to talk to you about, Robyn." I explain, and watch those eyes pop wider. Yup, that put the fear into him. He glances at the desk in an overtly tell-tale manner. I seriously hope he's never attempted poker. "Sit down, stop panicking, and fucking listen."
"Y-Yes, sir." He nods, and clumsily does as told. The chair creaks as he shifts about. He clasps his hands and the knuckles pale a little.
"You need the toilet or something? Quit fidgeting."
He jolts. "Sorry, sir! I just... Please know that I totally regret what I did in the city, and I never intended to-"
"This has nothing to do with that freakish display of pent-up shit." I snap, arms folded over my chest and hands balling into fists. He knew how to piss me off, that was for sure. "Look, you saw what happened to her on the road back to HQ. You saw how Kenny controlled her?"
"Yes, sir."
"Robyn's sinking into some pretty deep shit because of that, and I'm fairly sure we both know you're better at helping her in this kinda thing. Or at least you have more experience." I add bitterly.
There's a long pause.
I raise a brow at him.
He frowns. "Um..." He looks to the floor and shakes his head. "I wouldn't say that, sir."
"This isn't the time to be fucking modest." I roll my eyes.
"I'm not."
I narrow my eyes in question.
He clears his throat. "The only reason she ever relied on me in the first place, was because you weren't there. Because she missed you. Don't you get that?"
I stare at him coldly. I'd let the sub-par tone go for now. Especially as I try to think it through, without letting on that I was in the dark.
Eren's eyes narrow. "Just stop trying to toe the line between Captain and not Captain."
"Excuse me?" I challenge, and he leans on his knees. "Speak plainly, brat, if you're gonna lose all tone of decency anyway."
"You're the one that pulls her through. You're the one that made her feel like she really could be more than a broken kid from the streets." He shakes his head and looks at me in disbelief. "Has she seriously never said this to you?"
I can't be sure. Maybe not in those words but I guess in a way she had. I shrug and click my tongue. "Fine, she relies on me, but that doesn't escape the fact, I wanted your opinion on the situation."
"As in, you wanna know if I know a quick fix?" He raises a brow and I grind my teeth a bit.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, brat. I ain't asking for a quick-fix, don't pretend that I'm suddenly impatient of her. You're the one that warned me about her scratching into herself."
He swallows hard. "Has she started doing that again?"
She never really stopped.
I stand up straight. "She's likely on the path to doing worse."
"Shit..." He slumps back in his chair and bites his lip. His eyes go distant, but I just wait. It was good to see the kid really thinking about it. "I guess my main bit of advice, would be ignore her bullshit."
"Excuse me?" I don't think I managed to withhold that look of anger, the kid flinches back.
"I only meant, when she tries to push you away, hold on tighter. It's all I did for six months; ignored her protests and pestered her with the fact she wasn't alone. It drove her nuts, but at least when it did, she wasn't thinking about how much she loathed herself."
Oh.
Shit, that was pretty good actually.
I can't deny that I'm more in the habit of backing off, that sticking it out.
I close my mouth, swallowing my brash retorts. I then smooth my hair back and nod to the desk, making a decision as those overtly honest eyes stare at me. "You should write the letter then. The more she's reminded of the present, the people around her, the things she wanted to fight for... the better."
"Yeah... I guess so. Thank you for um... for thinking of me."
"Don't flatter yourself." I click my tongue again and get the damned door open. I glance over my shoulder as I hear him tug his chair to the desk again. "You understand her feelings now, right?"
He sighs and nods. "Yeah I do, I think I always did, sir. Guess the situation got away from me and... Well to put it plainly, I was an idiot. I'd apologise to you again, but I know you just want me to make it up over time. So I won't bother you with that empty word, sir."
I turn properly with a raised brow, the kid looking unsure if he had made the right choice. I blink and nod to him, watching that annoying blush reappear.
"Glad to know you're paying attention, Jeager. Hand the letter to a cadet and have it delivered to the guard outside the cells. I'll take it from there. And if she asks to see you, I'll send someone." I then take my leave, before he can ruin the almost respectful moment with pointless grovelling.
I head along to my office, not really seeing anything until I sit down and lean back in my chair. Then all I can look at is the way to my bedroom. To our bedroom.
Ignore her bullshit.
Dammit, she's gonna kick my ass.
It's been a few hours when I have Kirtschtein knocking at my door and standing in front of me. He looks pale, and I've already told him to get to the infirmary before he has to be dragged there, but in all honesty, I dunno if he's pale because of his injuries.
"Sir, you need to go speak with Robyn again. She's not known we're there, but the past hour or so, she's been mumbling. Can't really make it out other than 'fucking idiot' or 'pointless' so neither sound very... hopeful." He says slowly, clearly unsure of how to word this.
I put my quill down and sit back in my chair, so much for quiet contemplation or rest. "Yeah, no point in leaving her to just stew, if that's all she's gonna do. Thanks, I'll go see her right away."
He turns and leaves, hopefully heading to the infirmary like he was told.
I head down to the cells, and ask the guard to get Commander Zoe. It was time to put our plan into action, as long as Robyn hadn't fully lost herself already. I hope I hadn't just been an idiot to let her rest on her own. I'd genuinely thought it would be the best thing initially. But with each step I descend, I can hear that muttering and I feel myself grow less sure.
"Useless... fucking..." only the occasional word comes through clearly, and I linger just out of sight as she paces around, her boots scuffing off the ground. "Stupid little shit... puppet... can't even do that... fuck..."
When I hear her kick at the bars, I roll my eyes and step into view. Her eyes glance my way, but she doesn't stop the pacing. I drag a chair over and sit down, but she still doesn't stop the pacing. I watch her and just tilt my head when she looks at me. Eventually she gets pissed off with my staring and she stops, facing away from me.
"I'm not leaving this cell, Levi."
"Didn't suggest that you should." I say perfectly calmly, pretending to pick at my nails when she turns a bit, eyes accusing. I don't need to look at her to know that, I can fucking feel it dig into my skull.
I know her head's going to have taken her to some dark places. She's likely thinking everything's her fault, and that we're all just being held back by her. At least, that was normally the narrative her bat-shit self-loathing went with.
Fuck, is Robyn Sanshi becoming predictable to me?
I don't think that's good.
She huffs. "Why're you here then? Keeping an eye on the nutter?"
"I don't believe I used that word, today." I shrug, glancing at her and blinking slowly. "You done with the self-indulgent wallowing yet, brat?"
"I'm not wallowing." She snaps, pacing again, but just back and forth now instead of round and round. It was mildly less annoying.
"Sure sounds like you are. How long did you manage to actually sleep? Or didn't you bother in the end?" I lean forward on my knees and she slows her pacing, before sighing in what sounds too much like defeat.
She sits on the bed. "I kept closing my eyes and feeling that knife in my hand again." She breathes, sucking a breath back in through her teeth.
"Robyn, you know I don't blame you, right?" I ask, and am glad to see a nod. Albeit a damned unenthusiastic one. "Look, I just need to-"
"You only don't blame me, because you don't know what was going on in my head when it happened." She hisses, the tears spilling over as she starts to pant a little. She puts her head in her hands and tugs on her hair.
I swallow and clasp my hands tight, trying to steady myself. "You saw nothing but my death, right? You knew you had to do it, in order to make things right. I get it. It was what I felt when-"
"No." She snaps, it melting into laughter and then sobbing. "N-No that wasn't what I felt at all."
I wait, watching her form the words and then wrinkle her nose as she hates the taste. But I just wait. She obviously wanted to tell me. Or part of her did anyway.
"L-Levi, you had an objective, you had a reason to kill me, a real goal you needed to accomplish. I didn't have that. All I could think of, was how fucking good it was gonna feel to slice you open."
I keep my poker-face on task.
"It was like, I needed to kill you, like I needed to breathe. Every time you held me back, it felt like another gulp of air had been robbed from me. I wanted it so fucking badly. It was going to feel so good to kill you..." her voice gets distant as she raises her head and looks at me, her eyes vacant as she breathes heavily. "I tingled all over at the idea of that warm blood hitting my face, your dying breaths begging my name, pleading with me to stop and give some mercy. But I wouldn't, I'd just slice... and slice... a-and slice." Her brows lift, her hand having done the motion each time and then she looks at those same hands and I know she sees them filthy. She shudders, but not entirely in disgust, that dusting of a blush indicating the echo of enjoyment.
Dammit, if my spine didn't feel quite so frozen in this moment, I'd open the door and wrench her into my arms. I'd hold her tight, until this episode had passed. It would pass, right? They always did. No matter how frantic she woke from a nightmare, no matter how far she scrambled away and pleaded with someone to stop; sometimes her father, sometimes those men, sometimes Valarie. No matter what she'd imagined, she would calm down and come back to me.
My tongue feels heavy again. "Robyn, you can beat this, I know you can." I say, feeling so fucking stupid. It makes me cringe when she looks at me with those incredulous eyes. The vacancy is gone, and impatience has taken its place.
"Don't patronise me, Levi. After everything we've been through, don't do that."
"And don't you dare give up." I snarl back, my own patience waning.
"And just how do you expect me to beat this? To beat a saying ingrained into me by the most loathsome puppet-master possible. A saying that our enemy knows, that can be applied at any time and apparently make me do anything."
I sit up and grimace at her. "So you're already resigning to defeat?"
She stands up, stalks over to the bars and slams her hands against them. She bares her teeth. "There is no way round this! You want me trained, to ignore pleasure? To ignore anything that feels good, for the fear that it could be an order we hadn't realised had been given? Who knows how intricate they can make the commands. I'd never be able to be alone, Levi!"
"So, you are giving up?" I challenge, slowly standing and approaching the bars. I go right up to her, feeling our breath combined as she grits her teeth and glares harder with that molten gaze. Dammit, don't be beautiful in this moment, you damned brat.
"There's a thin line between perseverance, and being plain blockheaded." Her voice softens, and as she draws in that shaken breath those eyes shine.
That ice along my spine pools in my gut.
Don't say it.
Don't you dare, fucking say it.
"Vincent's won."
"No." I snap, grabbing her hands against the bars and holding so tight I'm sure I'm hurting her. But I can't let go, I feel like she's just gonna slip away if I do. "No, he hasn't. You killed him, you kept your promise, you've been through too much to just let this win."
She smiles.
In this moment, I hate that smile more than anything else.
Her head rests against the bars. "I ran s-so hard, learned all I could, did everything I could think of... A-And it turns out I'm still no better, than that stupid little girl standing in front of a smoking husk. I'm nothing more than a child blubbering, begging her mother to wake up."
"No, you only become that, if you stop fighting." I growl, holding tighter, seeing her wince slightly but keeping my grip as it is. "You can still burn, it's still there, I know it is."
"If you see any fire in me, then be assured, all it is, is this sickening fear that one day those royal bastards could use me to hurt you. Any of you." She adds, sniffing and shaking her head, little bits of rust coming off against her skin. "I'm so sorry, Levi. If only we'd let them kill me when they had the chance, right?"
I swallow hard, but then frown.
Wait.
What?
"They... wanted you dead." I blink, the information trickling through my head like god damned sewage. Robyn tilts her head. "Robyn, why the hell would they want you dead, if they still had even the smallest hope of getting this phrasing? Of being able to use you as a weapon?"
She blinks. "Maybe, they thought I wasn't worth the risk, or that you were a more direct way to get rid of the Scouts?"
"Or..." I narrow my eyes. "Or they weren't sure it would even work. That there's a way round it."
"You're clutching at straws." She sighs, tugging her hands free and going to the other wall.
I kick the bars hard, and she flinches. "At least I'm clutching at something. You're not giving up, I'm not gonna let you."
Her shoulders tense.
That had come out wrong.
She looks over her shoulder at me. "Not going to let me? Oh, I'm so sorry sir, when was it that you decided on my life choices? Please let me know, sir. I would hate to think I forgot the day I handed over my free-will to you as well, sir!" She hisses, and whilst she wants to sound threatening, I can see those fresh tears in the lantern light. She's trembling too.
Ignore her bullshit.
I back away from the bars. "You know that's not what I meant... But yeah, sure, I'm someone you can fight back against. So if it means you've still got it in you? Do it all you like. My point still stands."
"How can you be so calm?" She hisses, de ja vu ringing in my ears. "Levi, I'm not in control of my own body. I can't risk… I can't—"
"Do you remember all the things you said to me? When this was me behind bars, or in a mess in my room, after that fucking awful dream? When I dreamt that I'd snapped your neck? Do you remember any of it?" I demand, watching her mouth slowly close. "This isn't you, this is them. Stop letting them win." I plead, quoting her and watching how her jaw clenches.
She looks at me coldly. "If fighting back means possibly hurting you? Then I'll fucking stay their puppet, till someone is willing to give me a real solution." By the end, she's growling the words.
I feel my whole body shiver with rage, I know now exactly how she felt.
The very idea of her giving in, makes me sick.
"You're no one's puppet god dammit! You're Robyn Sanshi, you've got too much fight in you to give up now."
She shakes her head and sighs, leaning against the wall before her knees buckle. She slips down to the floor and puts her head in her hands. But she did at least say 'until someone is willing to give me a real solution'. Maybe she'd be willing to try our test then? Ignore her bullshit. Right, I just need to drag her all the way.
I hear the door to the cells opening, and I can only imagine it's Hanji with some cadets, and a bath with hot water soon following.
I clear my throat and kneel down, glad to see her at least look my way.
"Robyn... C'mon you can't seriously still be so delusional to not know how damned important you are. I can't let you go."
She hugs her knees to her chest and groans. "You're a fucking maniac."
I smirk. "Yeah, but I'm your maniac."
The words hang in the air, and I see her lips tremble.
"Y-Yeah." She nods, and sniffs. She looks so small, so fragile. It doesn't suit her.
"We have time, Robyn. This doesn't need to be fixed instantly."
She looks up, resting her chin on her arm. "Why is it, the more I hear that, the quicker I feel we need to find the solution?"
"Because you're a cynic worse than me, sometimes?" I offer, and for just a moment, I swear I see the hint of a smile. She then hears the footsteps and narrows her eyes at me. I hold my hands up in surrender. "We may have that solution you were talking about. It's only an idea, a theory between me and Hanji but... It's something, right?"
"So you were just wanting to see where my head was at?" She asks in an accusig manner, I quirk a brow at her.
"Believe me brat, I already knew it was up your own ass."
She snorts and shakes her head, sighing heavily. Damn, she really does sound exhausted. "You really think it could work?" She asks, knuckles paling as she hugs herself tighter. She's trying so hard not to hope.
I shrug. "I think it'll help, and that's a start, right?"
The noises get closer and I stand away from the bars to greet Glasses with an encouraging look. I don't blame the scientist for being nervous. The cadets follow close behind and as she comes into view of the cell, Hanji gives Robyn a wave.
"How you doin' Kiddo?"
"Dandy, thanks. What's all this?" Robyn nods to the struggling brats and looks between me and Glasses expectantly.
Hanji steps forward and reveals the bottle of... whatever the hell it is.
"We've come up with a plan. You're going to drink this, soak in the tub, and we're going to get some answers. Easy as that!" She coos through the bars, but Robyn doesn't look like she understands, or if she does, she doesn't want to.
"You want me to drink what now? Where?" Robyn blinks and looks at the tub currently being held between two cadets who wobble occasionally. I gesture to Glasses, to explain it better.
Hanji grins. "This is a strong serum to help your mind enter a state of blissful sedation!"
Robyn quirks a brow. "Get me fucking smashed, basically?"
"In a sense, but beyond that, we'll be purposefully encouraging your subconscious." Glasses continues, making Robyn lean against the wall more, like she could push it back.
Those gold eyes narrow at me again. "My subconscious? So, I've been talking in my sleep again, haven't I?"
"Yes, but for once it was actually helpful." I nod and she grumbles under her breath. "Look, Robyn, this could really work. Obviously the memories are still there, but consciously you can't access them. This'll help. The bath is to keep you calm, to make you feel safe. Think about it, when was the last time you felt truly content."
She looks to the tub again and nods, looking to the side. "The night I got my revenge, and you cleaned me up."
"Exactly. Take it in there, and then start bringing down the water." I order, and the two cadets head inside once I've opened the door. Robyn stood up, and shrunk into the back corner. It was as if she feared the open door itself.
"What if I just fall asleep thanks to this wonder booze, and then go ahead and drown in the tub?" She tilts her head. "Accomplishes my solution, but I doubt you'd be happy about that, Captain."
"Stop being a snarky ass, and listen. I'll be with you the whole time, I'm going to try and edge you into the memories. Hanji'll be close by, but not in eye-line."
Robyn stares at me, slowly shaking her head, gradually getting faster. "Not a chance."
"Glasses can just check in occasionally instead, if you prefer? She doesn't have to be present the whole time." I offer, confused by her not wanting Hanji anywhere near her. It wasn't like the scientist was known for her perversions towards humans. Titans, I can't comment, but as far as I was aware, Hanji was about as sexually perverted as wet firewood.
Robyn rolls her eyes. "No, I mean you're not going to be in here. What if this psycho booze makes me also go proper psycho? What if it triggers some leftover order from Kenny?"
"Robyn.." I mutter, a headache appearing behind my eyes. Am I made of glass? "Glasses will be right there, you can be sedated and held back if need be. But considering you'll be drunk, naked and slippery form the bath, pretty sure I can take you." I point out, and as hard as she tries, I know the image is in her head and she can't help the smile that appeared.
She clears her throat. "If I hurt you, I'm gonna be so pissed off at you."
"When aren't you? Now then, Glasses, how long is this stuff gonna take to take effect?" I ask, and Hanji turns the bottle over in her hand.
"Probably about ten minutes? We'd be best to wait until the bath is full, Robyn is relaxing in it, and everything is ready. Set the tone properly and then nudge her into it. This could really work, Robyn. I wouldn't be suggesting it otherwise." Hanji smiles softly, and whilst Robyn does her best, she can't deny the sincerity in those big mad eyes.
"All right... Hanji you stay right beside the cell, okay? I don't care about you seeing me, you've already seen every inch of my fucking body anyway." She then looks scathingly at the now blushing cadets. "For medical purposes you fucking cretins."
"Just go get the water, brats." I shoo them away and head inside the cell to put my hands on her shoulders. She'd leaned away, but I'm having none of it. "This will work, Robyn. I have a gut feeling."
"Yeah? Because I feel like I'm gonna puke." Robyn sighs, putting her head against mine at last, and biting her lip. "Please, don't let me hurt you."
"I won't. I promise." I squeeze her shoulders and see the ghost of a smile.
That was it. That was all we had to do, bit by bit, bring her back towards hope, back towards seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We could coax the flames back into life, breathe gently on the embers until they caught hold of something and burst.
First step; get her high as a kite.
Thank you so much for reading, please fav, follow and review, I love to hear from you guys. See you in 3-4 weeks!
SHOUTOUTS
Grimm: Hello again! Eren was indeed a bit of a trainwreck, yeah... but then again he was meant to be, so i'm glad that portrayal worked, haha! I love, love, love how much insight you put into Robyn's situation though, really. Thank you so much! The way you've thought about it, goodness I love it. So excited to see your reactions as things continue to unfold. I hope you enjoyed the slight fluff that I provided, haha, sorry if it wasn't enough! But I'm also really glad you don't want her to give up. I don't either, but I shall give away no spoilers! Thanks so much for reviewing, I'm glad you're still here and still enjoying! Hope you liked this update too, speak soon!
MoonLover765: I'm so glad you enjoyed the thought process, I really enjoy writing those parts, when Robyn is proper losing herself to this kinda stuff. Thanks for highlighting that! Thank you so much for reviewing, and I hope you enjoyed the update!
WhatName: You're still here! No worries on my replying, I always reply to the awesome people that take the time to review. It's a big deal for me! Aw wow, thanks so much for the praise, I always worry about being consistent, so really thank you so much! Kenny is a character that I love to hate, but I also feel I can have a certain amount of freedom with as I don't feel we ever really get to know him. Does that make sense? I hope so, haha. Thank you for taking the time to review again, I hope you enjoyed the update! Speak soon ^-^
