53.
New York City
It had been a while since Olivia had woken up in a cold sweat. It happened again during her first night alone. The dream shook her up, a lot. She dreamed of being in bed with Elliot again. She was finally allowing him to see all of her and started to let go and just enjoy the effect his hands and his mouth were having on her body. His hands were warm and strong and his body was firm beneath her. But in stead of giving herself to him and enjoying him and the pleasure he was giving her, something else was unleashed inside her. It wasn't just lust but it was rage as well. It was the same unbridled combination she had witnessed in Lewis while he was raping Mrs. Mayer, and while it shocked her to the core, she couldn't stop the two emotions from mixing together inside her as well. She had flipped Elliot over on his back in her dream and straddled him, guiding him inside her for the first time. But in stead of making love to him, she began beating him while he was inside her, suddenly seeing Lewis' face in front of her. She found the iron rod in her hand and used it. Elliot seemed too shocked to do anything to stop her and she couldn't stop beating on him until he became completely still. She screamed then, panicking because of what she'd done and trying to cover up his naked, bleeding body.
When she jolted awake and Elliot wasn't there, it took her at least thirty minutes to calm down. She paced the empty apartment, talking to herself and assuring her that everything was in order and she really hadn't hurt Elliot, until she could finally breathe again. It was still early and after taking a long hot shower, which made her feel like she was trying to wash his blood off her hands, she decided to crawl into Elliot's bed for a while. It smelled of him and it helped a little to hug his pillow and breathe in his familiar scent. When she closed her eyes, it was almost like he was there. He was alright. She hadn't hurt him. She could never hurt him. But she couldn't sleep anymore and the disturbing feelings she'd had in the dream stayed in the back of her head the rest of the day.
It was going to get even hotter than the day before and Olivia wasn't feeling well. She was still tired after her restless night and had hardly eaten anything, afraid that she might throw up if she ate the wrong thing. She needed some distraction and wondered who she could call. She and Elliot had exchanged a few texts but she couldn't keep bothering him because of a bad dream. He had called her and spoken softly because it was still early on the west coast. Hearing his voice had helped. Elliot had assured her that it was just her fear of losing control that had created this dream, and that they both knew she would never hurt him like that. And even if she would freak out, he would know how to calm her down, because he would never hurt her either. She tried to hold on to that thought but did need some distraction.
Finally, she decided to call Nick to ask him how everyone was doing at SVU without her. Nick was happy to hear from her but she could tell there was more on his mind than just the usual gut-wrenching cases they dealt with from day to day. She guessed it had to do with his marriage, if there still was a marriage to speak of now. She knew he'd talk about it when he was ready and she didn't ask. They chatted a little about the quirks of their co-workers and Olivia asked if Cragen was around. Nick told her he was and she decided to call her Captain next.
Donald Cragen was very happy to hear from her again. He told her he knew Elliot was there to look after her so he hadn't checked in with her as much as in the beginning, and Olivia understood. She'd like to see him though and catch up, but when he asked her if she was up to a visit to the station, she told him she wasn't. She wasn't ready for all the looks of pity people would give her, and would rather meet Cragen outside the precinct. So she asked if he could come over in stead and he said he'd be there around three.
Having something to look forward too, like the previous day, really helped Olivia to focus and spend her time doing some useful things like her laundry - well, their laundry - and cleaning up a bit around the house. She had opened all the windows as well as the sliding door to the balcony to let the warm breeze in, and after a while she looked around the kitchen and living room contently. She was ready to receive her visitor. But it was only 2 PM so she decided to sit down and write a few things in her journal. Like how it had become difficult for her to be alone for a day. She hoped Dr. Lindstrom would tell her that would only be temporary. She made a few notes about her dream and how there seemed to be such a thin line between lust and rage, and how scary that was. She had always wondered how that worked with the perps they put away on a weekly basis at SVU, and she was beginning to understand it a little now that she had experienced first hand how thin that line could be. Finally, to distract herself and lighten her mood a bit, she wrote down her feelings about Elliot's children. The only one she hadn't seen so far was Dickie. Elliot had told her that his oldest son had been worried about her and that he'd told him to take good care of her. Maybe he was avoiding her because he didn't know how to handle a victim. She scrunched up her nose as she wrote it down. Victim.
She was still deep in thought when the buzzer announced that her Captain had arrived.
...
Santa Cruz, CA
It was nice to see his old co-workers at the gym again, and several of the regulars that he'd worked out with. The men hounded him for a picture of the woman he had travelled across the country for and he finally showed them a picture of Olivia on his phone. He'd taken it one morning while she was busy in the kitchen and she hadn't noticed him until he said her name, and she had looked up with a smile. It was just perfectly Olivia, and the men as well as the women who checked out her photo all agreed she was very beautiful.
He missed her already and couldn't wait to go back the next day. He was a little worried after learning about her disturbing dreams but he couldn't fly back right away. They would meet their divorce attorney first and he was glad. Maybe it was old-fashioned in a way, but he'd rather be officially divorced, or at least have signed for it, before taking the next step with Olivia. She deserved it too, and so did Kathy. He wasn't sure if Kathy had waited though and he was rather curious to meet the man that had caught her eye. He couldn't help wondering if he would be anything like him at all. Kathy also hadn't had a lot of time to decide what kind of man she would like and had been stuck with him after just three months of dating.
Their meeting with the attorney went well and they both signed the official divorce papers while taking the custody papers with them. When they drove back to the house, Elliot saw that Kathy was sending someone a quick text. Probably her boyfriend. It was a strange word at their age, he thought. They weren't boys and girls anymore. The only usable alternative he could come up with to designate their love interests was 'partner' and that put a big smile on his face. His partner. She'd always been his partner on the job and now she was going to be his partner in life. They really were partners for life.
"What are you smiling about?" Kathy asked, clearly amused by the goofy look on his face.
"Nothing," he said quickly, knowing full well that Kathy wouldn't believe him. She was caught up in her own happy thoughts though, and the rest of the drive home were spent in comfortable silence.
When they pulled up in front of the house, Elliot said,
"I'd like to meet him."
Kathy didn't need to ask who. She didn't seem sure it was such a good idea though.
"Kath, I won't hurt him, promise," Elliot said with a grin. "I just want to know who will be hanging out with Eli."
It wasn't the only reason he wanted to meet the man, but he thought it sounded plausible enough and Kathy was actually buying it.
"Well, he's meeting me for coffee at the hospital tomorrow morning. I have another early shift."
Elliot nodded. He'd been at the hospital where she worked a few times and he knew his way around.
"What time?"
"9.30. And ..."
Kathy hesitated and he wondered why.
"And what?"
Kathy shifted in her seat and put her hand on the door handle, getting ready to get out of the car.
"If you could bring Eli. They ... they haven't met yet either."
She got out of the car quickly after that and walked up to the house, giving Elliot some space to process what she had just told him. She wanted Eli to meet her new friend for the first time. So she was really serious about the man. He could imagine she'd be nervous. He had had a huge advantage that Olivia was already practically a part of his family. His kids all knew her and liked her a lot. This was new territory for Kathy. He got out of the car as well and made a decision. Kathy deserved to move on just like him, and he would do whatever he could to make it easier for her.
...
New York City
Seeing her Captain again had been good. She was glad he had come over and he seemed very pleased with how much she was at home at Elliot's place. He hadn't asked her directly but she could tell that he knew that their relationship had shifted. After Cragen left, she had gone out to get some groceries because she wanted to cook. It would just be for herself but if she made enough, she and Elliot could have the rest for dinner the next day. He was coming back the next day ... Olivia couldn't suppress a smile thinking about Elliot coming home. With the distractions she'd been having, it wasn't so bad and she realized she wasn't truly alone. She thought of her squad as family just like Elliot's kids. The only one who was absent in her life as usual was her only real blood-relative, Simon. She knew now that it wasn't bloodlines that connected people, but love. She wasn't alone because she had a family. A big family of people who cared about her.
Late that night she got another text from Elliot.
'Signed the divorce papers today and meeting Kathy's new friend tomorrow. Eli too. Seems serious. Told ya :) Love you and miss you. Can't wait to see you again tomorrow. El.'
Kathy's new friend. So she had started dating again. And they had signed the divorce papers. Usually, a divorce was a tragic life event but the way things were going for the Stablers, it actually put a smile on Olivia's face. Who would have thought just six months ago that they would be here today. Some other events over the past months had been less than pleasant but over all, Olivia could see her life moving in the right direction.
It was one of the first things she mentioned the next morning in her Tuesday therapy session. She had stayed up late watching cartoons and had slept only a few hours - in Elliot's bed - but she was still feeling more relaxed than the day before. Dr. Lindstrom asked her how she'd been over the past week. She summarized for him how they had spent time with Eli before he had to go back to California and how she had moved in with Elliot. And she told him about how her relationship with Elliot was progressing slowly and about her two days alone, that hadn't really been alone after all. Her therapist was pleased to learn that she was opening herself up to other people again and had energy to go out like she had with Eli and interact with Elliot's family and her squad.
"Olivia, you mentioned that your relationship with Elliot is progressing slowly. Now, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable but it isn't uncommon for people who have had a traumatic experience like the one you've had, to have difficulty with physical intimacy. Is that still a factor at all now that you have moved in with Elliot?"
Olivia blew out a breath and nodded slightly.
"It is," she admitted. "I'm using his guest room. I'm still ... not ready."
"Do you want to talk about that?"
She had thought about it early that morning and had wondered if she might be ready to talk about what had happened with Lewis. Images of the beating still flashed through her mind regularly, also when she was with Elliot. Whenever her body would get aroused, her mind would flash back to Lewis. Not only to him raping Mrs. Mayer or threatening her with the same fate but also to the way he had managed to draw out her rage. Most of the time, it wouldn't be something she was consciously aware of. Lewis had never gotten her aroused so it wasn't a flashback to that kind of memory. It would just be a sense of panic or fear that reminded her of the kidnapping. Her dream of two nights ago had made her aware that her fear of taking the next step with Elliot might have more to do with the beating than she had realized. Maybe it was time to talk about it, because she really wanted her relationship with Elliot to progress and she wanted her body back.
So she answered her therapist that yes, she did want to talk about it.
"Alright. Can you tell me what makes you think you're not ready for intimacy? Can you describe what it is that makes you hold back?"
Dr. Lindstrom was choosing his words carefully but Olivia knew there was no tactical way around it.
"Well, one thing is that I don't want El to see my scars."
"You mean the burns Lewis made on your body?"
"Yes."
"Are you ashamed that Lewis got you in a position that he was able to burn you?"
Olivia closed her eyes for a moment and put a hand on her stomach.
"It was very humiliating."
"And painful I would assume."
"That too," Olivia said, "but the humiliation is what is sticking with me."
"Why do you think that is?"
Olivia wasn't sure what prompted her to want to shock her therapist a little, but she stood up abruptly and pulled her t-shirt up so Dr. Lindstrom could see the scars.
"Because he put his initial on me. He branded me as if I had become his property."
Dr. Lindstrom was a little surprised but quickly took in the scars he was seeing. She knew he couldn't miss the big letter on her stomach and she pulled her t-shirt down again and sat down.
"His property, you say. Do you feel like he has somehow succeeded? That he's stolen a piece of you?"
Olivia nodded.
"Yes. I'm not sure if you really want to know this, but I've been told I was pretty impressive in the bedroom before. I feel anything but impressive now, and Elliot is ..."
Her voice cracked when she mentioned his name and she was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. She took a deep breath and continued.
"Elliot is the one man I've ever wanted to grow old with and I can't even ..."
Dr. Lindstrom gave her some time to deal with the emotions of not being able to be as close to Elliot as she would want to be. Olivia grabbed a tissue from the box that was always there on the small table in the doctor's office and blew her nose. After a minute, Dr. Lindstrom asked her,
"Do you feel that the scars are the only thing holding you back?"
Surely he'd seen enough in his practice to know that it wasn't. Usually, he dealt with rape victims who would relive their rape when a man tried to have sex with them. In her case, the rape hadn't been physical. She felt like her soul had been violated. Lewis had managed to draw out a part of her that had been hidden all her life. And after that dream, she knew she would have to deal with that sooner rather than later.
"No," she said softly. "But what I'm about to tell you has to be completely off the record. So please, don't even take notes, okay?"
Her heart was beating very fast now that she was opening the door for her therapist to see her deepest secret. Dr. Lindstrom put down his notebook and assured her that everything they discussed in their sessions was completely confidential. She knew that, but she needed to be sure that nothing could ever be retrieved, no recordings and no notes. Olivia was feeling very much out of her element and got up from her chair to walk around the office. Dr. Lindstrom leaned back in his chair and followed her with his eyes, waiting patiently for her to start telling him what she needed to get off her chest.
"You know that I'm a product of a rape," Olivia started, "and you know that it's been difficult for me to find some kind of peace with that."
"I believe you've only recently started finding some peace about that," Dr. Lindstrom replied.
"Okay. Well. The thing is, I've always worried that I would become a violent person because my parents were both violent. And I have all this repressed anger inside me about my own life and how unfair it's all been, to everyone involved."
Olivia looked at the older man, who nodded and waited patiently for her to continue.
"I've always channeled my outrage about injustice into fighting for justice for others, but I guess my own personal issues were never really addressed."
"Until now."
"Right. And somehow, Lewis picked up on that."
Dr. Lindstrom's eyebrows shot up and she knew she would have to continue now.
"The first time I was here, I told you that he managed to get to me."
"I remember," Dr. Lindstrom confirmed. "You didn't want to elaborate on that then."
Olivia flopped back into her chair.
"Well, I guess I'm ready to elaborate on it now."
...
A/N Sorry to break it off here but I thought the chapter was getting pretty long. The next chapter will be up soon. Meanwhile, a few reviews would be nice. Is this therapy session making sense so far?
