The Groundhog Exam
Chapter Fifty-Five

by Lionheart

I I I

Sorry for the delay everyone. Life has a way of barging in.

I I I

The problem with getting Tayuya into the resets came chiefly from the fact that, whenever she was in town, she came in the company of Orochimaru.

Thus, it fell to Naruto to come up with a plan so dastardly, so amazing...

"Oy! Orochimaru! I was wondering if I could trade this Uchiha for a chance to get sweaty and intimate with Tayuya here?" The blond boy dumped the well-wrapped package that was Sasuke Uchiha at the feet of what looked like the Kazekage and thumbed one of his two bodyguards.

"Ku ku ku ku ku!" Orochimaru chuckled, while his guards looked startled. As the False Face disguise melted away, revealing the Snake Sannin's features below those of Temari's father, the legendary missing ninja chuckled arrogantly. "Tell me, how did you penetrate my disguise?"

"Kabuto brags in his sleep," Naruto answered flippantly. "I think half of town knows you are coming today. They've got this really interesting trap where Tsunade and Jiraiya, the Hokage and half of ANBU are waiting for you to drop in so they can ambush you."

The Snake Sannin gave a nod to his two guards and they split into four and vanished off to check into that information. Which didn't matter, as it was true. Well, the trap was easy enough to arrange, that is.

While they were waiting for those bodyguards to come back with that confirmation, Naruto kicked back on his heels, sitting on the bound Uchiha, and crossed his arms casually behind his head. "Hey, Orochimaru! I'm having dinner with Anko later on today. You want to come?"

"Kukuku, that sounds... amusing."

The Sound Four reappeared, kneeling at the sannin's feet. "He speaks the truth, Lord Orochimaru. Your former teammates are arranged in ambush with what appears to be half of their ANBU forces! The Hokage is there, and his face is exceptionally grim!"

"Remind me later, Kabuto must die." The sannin quipped to his underlings, "I spent a great deal of time on this trap and he's gone and outed my disguise, spoiling the whole party! Bring the boys."

The Snake Sannin and his bodyguards began to rush off, heading away from Konoha and the forces prepared to meet them there. Naruto found he was slung under three arms of the spider-guy, while Sasuke was laying over the shoulder of the big guy with a mohawk.

"You know, I don't think we've been properly introduced," Naruto observed casually, just as if he were not in the custody of his enemies.

The six armed guy opened his mouth to make a crack, "You do not deserve our names."

"Hey! I'm not a prisoner! I'm going along willingly, and figured we could be polite about this!"

The group stopped, and the spider-guy sprayed Naruto over every inch with golden webbing, mummifying him and binding him fast. "So you aren't our prisoner? Prove it!" the guy laughed.

Naruto Body Switched out with the six armed guy, trapping him within his own webbing, then hit him with a Thousand Birds, blowing a bloody, gaping hole through his chest and killing him instantly.

Sasuke's eyes went round.

Naruto buffed his fingernails, and cockily declared, "Proof delivered. I can resist if I want to."

Even Orochimaru was impressed. Performing even so basic a technique while completely immobilized was no small feat, and to Body Switch with another ninja was the hardest form of that trick of all. It could be done, but it put the user's skill at the technique up against the Body Switching skill of the one resisting it, and it was not an even comparison, as ability canceled out ability and there still had to remain enough of an advantage on the user's side to pull off a successful Switch. So it could happen, but only when the contest was greatly unequal, or when the subject of the Switch was caught off guard.

They could freely assume the Sound ninja had been surprised by the jutsu, they all were, but to pull off such a Switch when both bound and immobilized?

That was impressive, even by Orochimaru's standards. He smiled. "The one you killed was called Kidoumaru. These others are Tayuya, whom you seem to have heard of, Jiroubou has the Uchiha, and the two-headed person behind you are the brothers Ukon and Sakon. I, as you know, am Orochimaru."

"Yeah, yeah, the guy who can insert himself into an opponent and manipulate cells as an assassination technique from within their own body is behind me, ready to attack." Naruto waved it off flippantly, then grinned. "But it might interest you to know that my chakra is toxic, destructive even to my own body. I can recover from it. Don't count on them being able to. And that goes for the chakra-draining earth dome of the big guy, too."

"Hmm, interesting," Orochimaru licked his lips with a freakishly long tongue and took a step forward. "Don't tell me Kabuto leaked that information, as he didn't know it. Who are you, really?"

Naruto grinned. They'd fallen for that lie? SWEET! Chakra was chakra and being his own, it didn't hurt him a bit. Neither did the Kyubi's, as the seal was designed to prevent that. Really, what moron would his dad have been NOT to take that precaution?!

The boy posed. "I am Naruto Uzumaki, living container for the nine-tailed demon fox, most despised person in Konoha! And I'm tired of them holding me back and sabotaging my progress!"

Really, the best lie was ninety percent truth.

"Kukukuku," Orochimaru chuckled, stepping closer again, before gesturing to Tayuya.

"Tell me, why would you want a flat-chested tomboy like her? She's ugly and doesn't care for herself or her appearance. Her limp red hair is uninspiring and, sadly, her best feature. She has a foul mouth and curses constantly, as if completely unable to restrain herself. She is poorly mannered and crass, with no compassion for others. Why do you want her?"

Naruto stared the missing ninja straight in the eyes. "I was hoping I could convince her to change sides, turn traitor to you, and feed me information on all of your plans so that I, a genin, could defeat you personally."

"HAHAHAHAHA!!" the Snake Sannin broke out in a full-on belly laugh for the first time in all the while Naruto had known him.

Naruto shrugged and crossed his arms behind his head, examining the sky. "You want to know? Fine. My first team had a girl on it who was pink haired, flat chested, and the rudest thing under the sun to me. I can take a little abuse, but frankly I was looking for a chance to break her in memory of the teammate I left behind, who deserved to suffer."

"Fine, have her," the sannin, greatly amused, waved Naruto over to his subordinate, whose eyes widened in shocked surprise at this announcement.

Seeing via a quick glance that her leader wasn't going to defend her, the red haired Sound maiden assumed a battle stance and brought her flute up, glaring at Naruto. "Don't come any closer! You aren't going to break ME, you (Censored) (Censored), (HOO boy is this really Censored!)!"

Naruto raised a finger primly. "First rule, naughty girls who use filthy words do not get any treats."

"(Censored) like I (Censored), you (Censored) (Censored)! What (Censored) is the (Censored) of your (Censored) (Censored)!"

Naruto turned to wince at Orochimaru. "She is a foul one, isn't she?"

The pale sannin just grinned.

"Don't you (Censored) me! You (Censored) (Censored) of the (Censored) in your ancestors (Censored). The (Censored) mountains of the (Censored) in your (Censored) homeland would (Censored) the (pretty amazingly Censored) your (Censored) remains! Put a (Censored) balloon up your (Censored)."

The blond boy winced even worse. "Yup! That's pretty foul."

"(Censored)."

The next thing Tayuya knew, the boy had Body Switched for her flute. In a moment, he had her immobilized from a Temporary Paralysis technique shot at point blank range.

And the first thing he did was gag her, then whispered in her ear, "Now Tayuya-chan, you are going to get something I normally reserve for people that I really like. When you decide you want more of it, recall that I like nice girls who use pretty language, and take care to look their best, ok?"

In response the Sound maiden activated her cursed seal, going straight on to level 2, and overcoming the Temporary Paralysis with sheer chakra. Just as she reached up to pull away the gag to say something that probably ought to be censored to a very extreme degree, Naruto, who'd been waiting for this, simply reached out and removed her cursed seal.

The foul mouthed maiden collapsed in chakra-shock, unable to account for the sudden surge deserting her so completely like that.

As she lay helpless before him, Naruto began limbering up his fingers, calling out to the sannin, "Oy! Orochimaru! Want to learn a technique that can make any kunoichi turn traitor to her clan and village?"

"I'm more interested in little boys, myself," the Snake Sannin stepped close and waited for the technique, just as if it was not one of his own people who was about to be sacrificed to it.

Naruto shrugged. "Well, then, watch and learn. Maybe you can adapt it to perform on poor little Sasuke-chan later."

"Agreed." The traitor nodded.

Tayuya's eyes went round as Naruto's hands descended.

Half an hour later, after the girl's voice had recovered from shouting herself hoarse over begging to be allowed the joy and privilege of being his love slave and other, less appropriate, comments that were naughty even in context, the Snake Sannin looked up from the struggling and disgusted Uchiha to ask Naruto, "How did this part go again?"

The demon container shrugged nonchalantly. "Don't know. Something seems to be lost in the conversion. Don't ask me, I'm an expert on girls. Little boys are outside my interest."

"Oh, I'm sure I'll get it right in time." Orochimaru leered. "Now show me again on the girl."

"What would daddy say if he knew I was instructing pedophiles?" Naruto shook his head sadly, before wriggling his warm fingers in Tayuya's direction, politely not mentioning that this 'Jutsu trade' was strictly one-way, as he'd get to keep the girl, but Orochimaru would forget this conversation ever happened over the next reset.

"Good job?" Orochimaru guessed.

"Yes, that's probably it," the boy agreed, just to be agreeable and not start a fight in this situation.

"Yes, master. I'll be good," Tayuya muttered, exhilarated yet exhausted, eyes alight in eagerness as his hands descended. "No naughty words, not one... OooOOOoOOooooHHhh!!"

As Naruto worked away, he asked the sannin conversationally, "So, what would you teach me in return for showing you how to remove those cursed seals of yours?"

Orochimaru grinned. "Oh? I was planning to kill you to keep that knowledge from spreading."

"Yes, I know," the boy shrugged nonchalantly. "But think on it this way, there might be others who know the technique, in fact I can guarantee you there are, so you might need to know how to do it yourself so you can develop a next version of the thing that isn't subject to our counter."

Orochimaru licked his lips. "How about I let you live?"

"I wouldn't want you to make a promise you couldn't keep," Naruto quipped, then shrugged, going back to his work on Tayuya, who quivered bonelessly, too far gone to scream out his name. "No, all I expect is a few weeks of passion and pleasure out of my little Tayuya-chan here before you determine that you'd rather see the Kyubi moved to some other container. But I would like to learn a few jutsu in the meantime, just to spite those idiots in Konoha who never taught me any."

The sannin paused, as if considering.

Naruto shrugged, completely unconcerned, even as he drew in a copy of this Tayuya's memories. "Or you can just kill me, but that significantly lowers the odds of you ever learn how they're beating your 'unbeatable' cursed seal."

The pale freak grinned toothily. "You amuse me, boy."

"Thanks... I think," Naruto blinked, questioning that statement and somehow feeling dirtied by it.

Orochimaru brought a hand up to caress the boy's shoulder, only for it to be stopped short, sealed in a short wall of earth.

"No touching. The boy interested in disgusting old men is over there," the demon container pointed out Sasuke's bound form.

Enraged, the pale man pulled back, smashing apart Naruto's wall even as he freed his hand. With a nasty grin, the Snake Sannin formed handseals, and gloated, "Goodbye, boy."

The sannin's mouth stretched impossibly wide, and a serpent about as big around as Choji's middle began to slither out of the opening.

"Temporary Paralysis," Naruto stated in a bored tone, not even bothering to form a handseal, and saying the technique's name only out of politeness. The snake dropped as if dead, stuck half in and half out of Orochimaru's mouth, whose expression switched to one of comical surprise.

With a snake bigger around than his waist half in and half out of his mouth, the sannin was pretty helpless. Efforts to pull the sleeping serpent out with his arms proved human sized limbs were too small for the task, and the situation was downright funny as the sannin struggled to free himself.

In the end it was the big guy with the mohawk who pulled the serpent out, and even he had to switch on his cursed seal to get the power to do so. Snakes that big are HEAVY, and it was stuck in what was, for it, a small opening.

"Wow! That was pathetic!" Naruto deigned to notice the sannin's struggles just as he freed himself. Cheekily, he asked, "So, can you eat people too?"

In response, Orochimaru's tongue angrily snaked out, caught him up, and ate him, swallowing the blond genin whole, only to explode in thousands of Naruto a moment later, the boy emerging from the sannin's ruins carrying with him the Snake Sannin's sword, and a scroll he'd found inside.

The orange army turned to face the remaining two of the Sound Four, and grinned cheekily. "Now I think you should ask yourselves one question," they chorused. "Do I want to fight thousands of the guy who has already casually killed my boss, killed one teammate and taken another out of action?"

Tayuya moaned in a puddle of girly pleasure at his feet.

Jiroubou and the merged brothers broke and ran.

"Hm," the boy chortled, hands perched cockily on his hips. "I wasn't expecting that to go as well as it did. I'll have to remember this pattern for use again later. I may have to do this often, for a while. Oy! Tayuya! Get up! I'm going to go introduce you to our clan. You'll have friends and sisters there, if you are willing to be a friend and sister to them in turn."

He helped the young lady to regain her feet, and started the march back to Konoha. "We've got to get you ready for getting yourself out of this mess. I can't be expected to rescue you from the snake freak every time, you know! One of the first things you'll want to do is learn how to remove the curse seal. Here, it goes like this..."

I I I

It came as no surprise to anyone that the information the Kyubi imparted as to how to bring more people into the resets spawned a great deal of excitement and debate.

However, it also had some rather unexpected reversals.

"I want to bring Gai into the resets."

"No way! I want to be the one to bring Gai into them!"

"Okay. I don't care which of you two gets Gai. I want to bring Lee in."

"Hey! No fair! I wanted to bring in Lee!"

Yugao turned away from where the younger girls were arguing over who got the privilege of bringing in the Clan's two most favorite allies.

No sooner had the information become available than Yugao had tried to go bring in Hayate Gekko. But that had failed miserably. It seemed that what the Kyubi had taught was true, since Yugao was a claimed mate of Naruto's, she was unable to create a shelter in her mind for someone else she might love in a mate-like fashion.

Since she had once nearly loved Hayate that way, she found that an absolute barrier in her mind toward accepting him. The mere possibility that romantic feelings could exist for her former boyfriend again had prevented her from bringing the former flame into her mind. Her foxy nature prevented it.

Tsunade had also experienced failure, not once but twice on her attempts at this. Her first attempt was to try and bring in the Hokage, as he was the key factor to so much of this, getting him in would've been a great triumph.

But no such luck.

The Legendary Slug Sannin hadn't wanted to divulge details, but apparently the absolute trust required was lacking between them. There were too many hard memories of Sarutobi having favored Orochimaru, and she'd never liked the kind of choices the office of Hokage made one do. That, as well as some bad history she didn't want to get into, and she confessed that she just did not trust the old man as much as was apparently required.

Then Tsunade had tried going after her old teammate Jiraiya, but again, bad memories from their shared youth prevented her. Well, that, and also the fact that he was an openly flaming pervert - something that, by default, made it impossible for pure women to like or trust him.

Which, that last pretty much nuked any chance for any member of Naruto's clan to trust the Toad Sannin.

The same extended to Kakashi, and not only was he a pervert, but each and every member of Naruto's extended family had learned to despise the jonin for his lack of teaching methods, his blatant favoritism, and his complete inability to be fair to his students.

There was no trust possible there, not when you knew something like that about a person.

It also got suggested that Kurenai bring in Asuma, but she reported inability for most of the same reasons, not to nearly the same extent as with those others, but she still knew him to be a failure in important areas, so trusting him absolutely was next to impossible.

Even Ino reported that she couldn't trust her jonin teacher to that level. He sat around playing shogi with Shikamaru all day instead of training them, and then thrust them, unprepared, out into danger in the chunin tests. No, she couldn't report that she had the trust required to bring him in. He'd exposed her to danger she'd been totally unprepared for, apparently unconcerned for the consequences. That did not build trust.

This was turning out to be more awkward than anyone had supposed.

"I want Lee!"

"No! I get Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

I I I

Author's Notes:

What's given me so much trouble with this chapter was so much that all had to be dealt with at once.

I didn't cover it. I know I didn't. All I could manage to get was a few, and not enough at that.

Yes, Kiba's reaction to being in the resets has been all but completely glossed over. That's vital to get to, but you've got to understand I simply can't cover it all at once.

Trying has already shut me down the once. So, if your favorite, most anticipated moment hasn't occurred yet, well, all I can say is that if I try to cover everything than I produce nothing. So, what we'll try instead is to get that logjam unblocked by dealing with a few things at a time.

Best I can offer.