Author's Note: I. AM. SO. SORRY. I had a research poster for a conference and exams and now it's been like 2 months since I updated. I sincerely apologize.
Warnings: fairly graphic depictions of eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia); discussion of mental illness; vague references to self harm
Allen POV
Lenalee was magnificent as Clara. She had an incredible stage presence and (at least in my admittedly limited understanding) beautiful form. She shined when she needed to, but could blend into the background easily when other characters needed to be in the spotlight. The finale was greeted with momentous applause, and the cast came back to bow 4 times.
Afterwards, Lenalee and I walked back to my place. We had agreed earlier that she and Road would come over to my place to have a quiet, yet celebratory evening. Road had to go home first for "family business", but she promised she'd be by in an hour or two. In the meantime, Lenalee and I would go back to my place and hang out. I figured I'd make some tea, and had already made some light snacks earlier in the day. Lenalee was sure to be hungry, but I doubted she'd be able to eat anything heavy, after so much time spent dieting. I had also bought materials to make Pho with, for that very reason. Pho is a light Vietnamese soup – it's made entirely of vegetables, noodles, and thin beef slices, and is very clean. It's refreshing and filling, without being heavy.
As we made our way back towards my place, I noticed that Lenalee was quiet, and she seemed to be walking slowly. I've heard about all the stuff ballet dancers do, not caring if their feet bleed during a performance, so I slowed down.
"Are you all right, Lenalee?"
"…Hmmm…? What? Oh, yes, I'm fine. Don't worry about me, Allen. I'm just a little tired is all."
"All right, if you're sure," I responded, looking at her in concern. She doesn't really look fine. Good thing we're almost at my place. I led her down one more street, then up the driveway, and into my house.
"Welcome! Come on in; let's have some tea," I smiled encouragingly at her. She smiled back, albeit somewhat tiredly. When we reached the kitchen, she sank down onto a chair immediately, with a barely audible sigh of relief. I glanced over to her quickly, worried again. Is she really ok?
I pulled a fruit bowl out of my fridge immediately and put it down in front of her. Hopefully the apples, oranges or clementines would invite her fancy. Afterwards, I set about making tea, then set down across from her.
"You really were magnificent tonight, you know."
She smiled softly at me. "Thank you," she murmured.
"Are you sure everything is all right? Maybe you should eat some fruit," I invited her, gesturing to the plate. "That could help you regain some of your energy."
"Hmmm."
We sat in silence for a little while, until the kettle started whistling, and I got up to pour the tea. As I was placing the kettle back on the stove to cool, Lenalee started to get up, saying she was tired of sitting down.
I whirled around when I heard a clatter. Lenalee was standing up, clutching the table. I moved forward immediately, and was very glad I had done so, just barely managing to catch her as she collapsed.
"Lenalee!"
I laid her down and quickly checked her pulse, finding it erratic, but gratefully, there. I reached immediately for my phone, hitting the speaddial. I breathed a massive sigh of relief as the person on the other end picked up immediately.
"What's up, Allen?"
"Neah, Lenalee just collapsed. She's breathing, but her heartrate is definitely erratic."
"Give me 5 minutes – I'm on my way. If her condition deteriorates, we may have to take her to the hospital. Can you stay on the line?"
"Yes," I answered immediately.
I heard harried conversation in the background, and then the running of a motor. It took 6 minutes for him to get here, and as worried as I was for Lenalee, I had to wonder how many laws the man had to have broken in order to do that.
He swept over to Lenalee the moment he came in, and immediately started checking her vitals. He lifted her and carried her to the living room couch with ease. By that point, she had begun to wake up, protesting the attention.
"Neah, I'm fine, it's all right…"
"No, Lenalee, you really aren't," a soft voice spoke up from the background. I turned around quickly, amazed to find Road standing in the doorway. With all the commotion going on, I realized guiltily that I had completely missed the fact that she was here. Then again, it makes sense; she must have come with Neah. And looking at her now, I was struck by the fact that I had never seen Road so subdued before. She was always loud and energetic and smiling, sometimes mischievous, always genuine. Now, though, she seemed very withdrawn and quiet.
Lenalee struggled up into a sitting position, batting away at Neah's hands as he tried to indicate to her that she needed to stay lying down.
"Road, it's all right, I'm fine. I just got a little dizzy is all."
"A little dizzy? Really? That's all?" Road's eyes were narrowed slightly, and I thought I could sense rage simmering under her calm words.
"Of course. Happens all the time."
If she thought that would calm Road down, Lenalee was sorely mistaken.
"All the time? What do you mean, 'all the time"? You passed out, Lenalee! That shouldn't be a common thing!" She was still standing in the doorway, her eyes blazing, hands clenched into fists at her sides.
Lenalee seemed taken aback. "I… I… But… I'm all right…"
Road's fury turned immediately into apparent sadness. "You… really don't see anything wrong? At all?"
Neah reached forward, placing a hand softly on Lenalee's shoulder.
"Lenalee. I realize this must be difficult for you to think or talk about, and I'm not going to ask you to talk to me, or anyone else here. It doesn't have to be your brother, it doesn't have to be one of your best friends. But you are going to have to talk to someone.
"I can tell, even without taking any measurements, that you are dangerously underweight. You are very seriously harming your own body with your behavior.
"I am not saying," he added hurriedly, seeing that Lenalee looked like she was about to interrupt, "that you are doing it deliberately. You may not realize it.
"But it is happening. You need help Lenalee, help which only a professional can really give you. Please, not for the sake of your family, not for the sake of your friends, and certainly not for my sake, but for yours: talk to someone, and find help. Your situation is already dangerous. You need to talk to someone now, before it becomes deadly. I realize that is blunt, but there is no other way to say it." He gazed at her earnestly as he finished, and I hoped she would take his words to heart.
For at least a minute, there was complete, heavy silence. Then…
"I…I knew something was wrong," she whispered, barely audible. She looked down at her hands; not willing to face us, or looking for an answer, I do not know. Gods know I've looked for answers in my hands before. And found all the wrong ones.
"It started so well, so calmly… It was just a couple calories, it was just cutting out the desserts. Even when my weight began to sink and hover near the edge of the BMI version of "underweight", I ignored it. The BMI scale is fucked up, and any normal doctor will tell you that; so is the "2000 calories per person per day" mantra.
"But I went to a party last year. And they had pizza, and cake. And I wanted it, so bad… I couldn't resist. And then I couldn't resist spending an hour over the toilet, throwing up everything I'd eaten. The last 3 times I stuck my fingers down my throat, all that was coming out was stomach acid."
A shiver ran down my spine. What she was talking about, the control, was something I know all too well. I glanced up at Road. She looked horrified and dejected.
"I… I don't do it often, the whole binge and purge thing. I don't like it. Mia is mean. But Ana… is a friend. Or at least, I thought she was. She gave me control, she gave me agency. But she also took my freedom, and by the time I started to become aware of what was going on, I… I couldn't do anything to stop it anymore."
We stayed silent for a while after that, not knowing what to say, not wanting to break the silence. But then Lenalee's shoulders began to shake, and she covered her face in her thin, thin hands. Road immediately was there next to her, sitting on the couch. She reached around and hugged Lenalee hard, pulling her close. I heard her begin to whisper into Lenalee's ear.
Neah silently got up and walked out of the room, meeting me in the doorway, and gesturing towards the kitchen. We made our way there and he sat down at the table. I put another kettle on the stove.
"Would you like some tea? Or anything to eat?"
"Thank you, Allen. Don't worry about making anything, though – whatever you have is fine."
I grinned at him ruefully, "Neah, I owe you an awful lot. Making you dinner one night doesn't even begin to cover it."
He waved dismissively. "Allen, it's my job. More than that, it's my passion. I didn't become a doctor to make money, I did it to help people."
"Hmmm… Well, I know at least three people you've helped, now. Kanda, Lenalee, and I all probably owe you our lives."
"Kanda told you?" Neah seemed visibly shocked.
"Well, I mean, he told me about the accident… And I'm pretty sure you're the only doctor he's trusted since then…"
"Ah, yes. I'm amazed he was able talk to someone. Pleased, but amazed. Looks like he's making progress," he trailed off, smiling slightly.
"Hmmm… Thank you again for coming tonight, Neah. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been available…"
"Called 911, I would hope," he responded wryly, raising an eyebrow at me. "But I'm glad you were able to reach me. Speaking of, I haven't heard from you in a while. Some of the things Lenalee said tonight probably touched some nerves. Are you all right?"
I gulped, "I-I guess… I'm no worse than usual, I suppose…." It felt weird to talk to someone, but he already knew at least a huge part, so… And besides, I trust him.
And talking to someone is actually really freeing.
Neah smiled sadly at me, "I'm sorry, Allen. I wish I could do more."
"You've done more than enough. More than anyone has ever done for me, except for my… adoptive father."
He nodded with a soft hum. "Still, I wish I could do more. Cross deserves a jail cell, but you… you deserve help. Help and love." I didn't respond, just poured us both tea (he had requested Jasmine).
As we sat drinking our tea quietly, Road and Lenalee came through the door, prompting both Neah and I to begin to get up. Lenalee just motioned for us to sit, and sank into a chair. Road pulled another one up next to her.
"I'm sorry for everything, Allen, Neah."
"Lenalee, there's nothing to be sorry for," I assured her.
"Allen's right," Neah nodded.
"See? I told you," Road grinned, grasping Lenalee's hand.
"The far more important thing is what happens from here on out. It's up to you, Lenalee. Only you can make the decision to get better." Neah's words were hard, but his voice was gentle. It was clear how much he cared.
"I… I don't think I can tell my brother about this. And without that… I can't see anyone, really. But I do want to get better."
"And I'll be there for you, supporting you every step of the way. Whatever you need, you need only ask," Road informed her, probably not for the first time that night. Her eyes showed such determination and devotion, it moved me.
"Road's right, Lenalee. Whatever you need."
I glanced at Neah quickly, and he took the hint. Even as my stomach did flip-flops, I heard him telling Road that they needed to arrange getting Lenalee to their place, and what would have to happen after, as he led her out of the kitchen.
"Lenalee," I began, awkward. I felt almost sick with nerves. I don't like talking about this.
"I-I don't want to say that I know how you feel, because I don't, not really." She stared at me, surprised, worried. "But I do understand what it's like to live- to live with… to live with mental illness. I-I have depression, Lenalee. I may not understand everything you're going through, but I want you to know that you can talk to me. I don't really know if it helps at all, to talk with someone else like you, even in only a few ways, but if it does, I want you to know that I'm here for you."
I gazed earnestly into her eyes, trying to convey how seriously I meant what I said. And Lenalee seemed to understand, and take it the right way, because she reached over and put her slight hand on top of mine.
"Thank you, Allen. Let's- Let's both of us keep fighting, together. For the sake of ourselves, and for the sakes of the people we love."
I clasped her hand and smiled at her, glad to see the love and determination in her eyes.
"Always."
Well, what do you think? Was it maybe worth at least some of the wait? Spring Break is coming up, and my research poster is done, so hopefully I'll be able to update again in another two weeks or so.
Thank you so much to everyone who supports me. The knowledge that y'all want to read this is what keeps me coming back.
Love,
Red
