Chapter 50: Saints and Debate Queens

a/n: Thanks for the reviews! Sorry for the delay in updating, but real life has been a bit heavy and pressing. Here's a quick summary to keep in mind from last chapter that matters for this chapter:

1)Bella gets a call from Esme that leaves her in tears

2)Rose points out to Bella that Jasper and Alice are throwing off we-did-the-sexy-times vibe.

3)Rose and Emmett finally got together.

xxx

BPOV

"Alice, you need to shut your pie hole, stat--"

She just ignored her and kept going.

"It's true! You and Emmett on the beach, sitting on that tree trunk, kissing? It was like watching a unicorn give birth to kittens and rainbows!"

Rose pointed her finger at me. "You live with this 24/7?"

"Yep, "I answered. "And tonight you are going to share the burden with me."

After the bonfire - and the first publc display of goodness and light, compliments of Rose and Emmett getting together - we carried Rose away for a sleepover at our dorm room. Alice propped up the pillows and patted her hand on the mattress, letting Rose know where she was sleeping tonight.

And it was the most comfortable option too; sharing a bed with Alice was like sleeping with a doodle drawing, she was that tiny.

"Well, I wish I could say the same for you and Jasper," Rose bit back. "But instead of laboring unicorns, I just see Alice birthing a big ass Lumpy O. baby in nine months if she isn't careful."

Alice's head jutted in Rose's direction: "Lumpy. O?"

I interrupted, silently clapping my hands. "Yeah, Rose has nicknames for both of you. She calls Jasper Lumpy Oatmeal; or Lumpy O. for short, because she thinks he's bland like oatmeal."

Alice clicked her tongue in offense.

Rose's face was all innocence: "What? It's not like I called him a bowl of shit or something. Oatmeal is nutritious and dependable. Just a little lumpy and flavorless...."

I cut off Alice before she could launch into her Jasperian defense:

"But WAIT. That's not the best nickname of them all. Remember when you shot that Spidey web straight at Jasper's crotch tonight with that kid's toy?"

Alice nodded, knowing this wasn't going to bode well for her.

"Rose christened you Deadeye Dick like two seconds afterward."

Alice couldn't appreciate her new moniker though, because she was still hung up on Jasper's.

"Why are you picking on my man? He is so not lumpy."

"I'm not picking on just Lumpy O. I nicknamed Bella's man Cream of Wheat if that's any consolation."

Alice's eyes narrowed.

"Consolation that you name my man and my brother after various breakfast foods?"

Rose let out a deflated sigh. "See? This is why I spend most nights alone on a couch watching basic cable. It's like I was raised by wolves or something..."

Alice embraced Rose with one arm, while her other hand began to finger brush her hair. "You may be a bit of a wolf girl, Rose. But you're MY wolf girl. My little wolf girl with Tourette's Syndrome."

"And you're my little dickmatized China doll," Rose answered back as sweetly as was possible. Which wasn't so sweet, but she was trying.

The whole girl bonding ritual was still new for her.

Alice grinned mischievously, then whispered into Rose's ear before both pairs of eyes settled on me.

Uh oh. My turn.

"So, Bella, if I'm a dickmatized China Doll, what are you?"

Rose answered for me.

"Bella's the one doing the -matizing with Edward. She's like... the hymenatizer. Seriously, Edward's so careful around her virtue, it's like he's regrowing his hymen back with each new chivalrous gesture he pulls out of his ass."

I knew they'd bring my v-card status into this.

"It's not like that, you guys."

"Not like what," Alice asked.

"Like he's beholden to my hymen."

Rose burst out laughing and looked over at Alice: "Say that five times fast out loud.... beholden to my hymen, beholden to my hymen, beholden to my...."

Wicked little pair.

But both of them didn't understand. It wasn't my virginity that kept Edward so cautious. Not exactly.

They didn't understand everything happened to us that first day. We met, we fell for one another, we tatted up, an unspoken declaration of our falling ---and Edward turned around and fucked it all up. Just hours after I told him to be careful with me.

When he wiped my tears with his shirt later on that night on the curb outside of the club, I knew. Somehow I just knew that was the moment that he vowed to never be careless with me again.

And after talking to Esme, it was clear he made too good on that promise.

Rose's chanting broke me out of my thoughts.

"Beholden to my hymen, beholden to my hymen..."

"That was eight times fast," Alice chimed in.

I tried to stop the madness.

"It's not like that between Edward and I, seriously. He's not chivalrous with me because I'm a virgin. It's just that he sorta wasn't careful with me when we first met, and he's been trying to make up for it since then. To the point that he overcorrects."

"Overcorrects? Like how?" Rose was genuinely intrigued now.

I tried to think of an example....

"Like when we park. At IHOP." They both looked at me with blank stares.

"You know...park." Yes, and I was still twelve mentally and couldn't be more specific of what parking at IHOP entailed without feeling like crawling underneath my bed.

Rose scrunched up her nose in response.

'Park? Who says "park" still as a sexual euphemism? Besides the Fonz on Happy Days?'

Uh...Charlie - and therefore me.

I tried to ignore them and continue with my thought.

"When we park, he's just really careful and considerate with me. And not because I'm a virgin, but because he wants to make sure he's treating me right. Like even saying please each time he....switches...uh, gears."

Rose nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, that would be overcorrecting all right, if Edward of all people is saying please everytime he tries to dip the hand into the ol' cookie jar--"

I waved my hands, letting her know I got the idea. "Rose, if you bottled all your food - sex analogies and sold them on ebay as a appetite supressor, you could retire from the world of bar and grill bartending."

Alice stole my silent hand clap, ignoring me. "Rose is right, you turned Edward into a poster boy for sensual political correctnes. Sure, he sounds like a real mood killer in the backseat of an IHOP parking lot now, but it's still really sweet. You're like the miracle worker to his romantic deaf and dumbness."

And of course she was just teasing me, but I could feel the tears coming anyways.

Rose hadn't noticed yet though: "Bella's more like a hymen rejuvenator. You and Emmett should start a farm down in New Zealand that harvests born again hymens. I hear the weather is great for agriculture."

"You kiss your priest with that mouth?" I shuddered out before completely losing it. Within a second, Alice was embracing me while I could feel Rose sit sit next to me and pat my back. Awkwardly.

"Crap, Bella, this is why I don't do slumber parties. Someone always ends up crying."

That brought on a smile, even though I kept crying like an idiot.

"Rose, it's not you at all. I love that highly inappropriate mouth of yours."

They asked me what was wrong - and I couldn't tell them. Well, not Alice anyways. Esme wanted to keep things from Alice for now. So, I used the art of distraction:

"Alice why you didn't tell me?" It came out all whiny, like someone just told me the Tooth Fairy wasn't real. And even though this wasn't the reason why I was crying, I was still smarting from the fact that she was most likely having sex with Jasper and hadn't told me.

She asked me what I meant - I explained myself.

"We've told eachother everything this whole time. I just can't believe you wouldn't tell me something big like that. "

Alice kissed me on the head like the child I was pouting like. "That's sort of the reason I didn't tell you, honey. We've told eachother everything. We've done almost everything together too. Hell, we even orchestrated base hits together."

Rose grimaced like there was no tomorrow, as she should have.

"It's just that I feel guilty, the way I've teased you in the past about not moving faster with instincts have been so dead-on for the both of you, and I don't want you to question yourself at all. Even when you have a dumb roommate who teases you about having the Second Coming arrive before you'll be ready."

And of course, that only made me keep crying, confusing the hell out of both of them.

Because they had it all wrong. Here they thought I did some sort of Beauty and the Beast makeover on Edward - tamed and civilized him into a proper gentleman. Hell, even I had been under some similar impression myself over the past couple of months.

And with just one phone call, Esme turned that assumption on its head.

Esme started it off with small talk pleasantries, but quickly got down to business once she knew Edward was out of hearing range. She wanted me to get off work tomorrow night and accompany Edward to dinner.

"We're coming in the afternoon, and will leave the next morning morning. Very quick trip. But you need to be there when Edward comes to our hotel to have dinner with us. It'll be best to have a stranger at the table to keep Carlisle in line."

Stranger?

"Oh, dear, of course you're not a stranger. But Carlisle doesn't know you well enough to be himself around you. Well, himself under these circumstances."

I made her back up, because I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Bella, Do you know what's going on with Edward right now? With school, I mean."

I thought for a second - and drew a blank. Edward was as smart and capable and organized as they came.

"Do you mean how he's doing? I'm sure he's doing fine," was all I could say before she cut me off.

"No, Bella, he's not doing fine. We got a letter notification the other day. He's failing two classes as of this midterm."

Something didn't add up - there was no sign of distress from Edward regarding his classes. None. Zip. Zero.

I asked her if she was sure that the letter was correct. She told me that she confirmed with the college before they decided to meet with Edward this weekend. Suddenly, I felt like Edward's publicist, wanting to do damage control before they actually talked to him.

"I had no clue, Ms. Cullen. But don't you worry; now that I know, I'll make sure he gets back on track. I promise. You guys don't even have to come out, I'll kick his little behind back into--"

"No, Bella, you don't understand. It's not just about school. There are other complications because of this now."

I didn't breathe for the remainder of the conversation as she gave me all the details. That while Edward had always done the work to sail through his pre-med classes, he was by no means distinguished. That Carlisle had grown concerned in the last year about Edward's intentions of going to medical school, given the fact that his academic record wasn't strong enough. How Carlisle, not a natural kiss ass (my words, not Esme's), actually had to bend over backwards to secure Edward a spot on a research project for next summer. And why did he have to bend over backwards and swallow his pride? Because said research project was being headed by some pompous hot air bagged(Esme's words, not mine) professor ---- who just happened to be on the admissions comittee of Carlisle's alma mater. Edward's first choice for med-school.

"Bella, Edward's academic record alone isn't enough to get him in. But nabbing a coveted research position with Dr. Regan this summer could help make up the difference."

And all that Edward was required to do to get this position secured? Get his transcripts sent off - and get the mid-term evaluations filled out by his professors for his current classes.

"He got the transcripts turned in at the beginning of the semester, but he's been sitting on sending in the mid-term evaluations for awhile. Now we know why."

She asked me if I had any clue what went wrong this semester - what would have caused him to mess up so badly.

"Me," was all I could answer.

Because the more I thought about the past couple months, the more everything came into focus. Edward helping me with Statistics and Spanish. Or picking me up from work at night - and walking me to my first class in the morning. Coming to hear me play on Wednesday nights, and taking me to the rehearsal room to hear him play while I did my homework.

But no memories of him doing his work, really. No "Sorry, Bella, but I've got a paper due" rainchecks on the weekends. Or the weekdays. No checking in on him in the library. Or at lab. I'd worked enough night shifts that I just assumed he was doing everything he needed to while I was at my job.

Edward had been so careful with me this whole time; trying to reassure me that he would be there for me, come rain or shine. Being there for me became more important with time - once he decided I didn't have enough support in my life.

And I didn't even know he was having trouble in school.

Shittiest. Girlfriend. Ever.

xxx

I had called Edward early the next morning, telling him we needed to talk. He couldn't come over early when I'd be home; I was working an afternoon shift at Casey's when he was finally free. He picked me up from my shift so that we could head on over to dinner with his parents.

I cut off the small talk about my day quickly.

"Your mom called me yesterday. And I promised her I wouldn't say a word, but of course I will because..."

"Woah, hold up. When did my mom call you?"

I told him during the luau; he, in turn started getting all up in arms about why his mother was making his girlfriend cry in public.

"Shh...will you listen, please? Esme and I are cool. That's not the problem. Do you know why they are visiting?"

He mentioned that his mom had to do something with Alice, that Carlisle was just tagging along for the fun of it. But his eyes narrowed, as if the wheels in his head were turning to other possibilties.

"Esme made me promise not to tell you, but I don't want you walking in there not knowing.."

"Not knowing what? And what promise?"

"About your grades." I started to tell him the "how" and the "why" of it all, but he cut me off quickly.

"If my mom made you promise, you don't need to say anymore. I'll find out the rest soon enough."

He held my hand in his and didn't say another word. But it was obvious - his mind was working at a million miles an hour trying to process what I'd said.

"You had no clue that's why they were coming then?" He shook his head.

"I was hoping to raise them by the end of the semester."

We drove the rest of the distance in silence, our only communication coming from Edward strumming the top of my hand with his finger.

As we parked at their hotel and headed into the restaurant, I pulled him to the side for a moment. There were so many questions to ask him, but now was not the time.

My arms wrapped around his neck and I gave him a playful kiss.

"Here's the game plan. The minute they spring their little surprise on you, we flash our matching tattoos to distract them. Even bad grades don't hold a candle to ill advised tattoos."

I got him to laugh as he pressed his forehead against mine. And I made a secret vow to myself in that moment - to not measure how much I gave to him in accordance to what I got back. Something I secretly did out of self preservation this whole semester. If he needed more, I'd give him more. Isn't that what he'd been doing for me all semester, even if I hadn't realized it?

"Let's do this," I whispered. He nodded, kissed my nose, and we were off.

xxx

Esme was on her feet and coming over for hugs before we made it to the table. Her voice was a little too happy. Her eyes just a littttttle too wide.

God, Esme may have been a debate queen back in the day, but she was no actress.

"And you brought Bella too, what a pleasant surprise. I thought you were working tonight."

My jaw dropped open slightly, with the inference that I just tagged along with no invitation.

She just fed me to the wolves.

Or Carlisle more like - who looked more like a pissed off Kodiak Bear on it's hind legs than a mangy wolf at the moment.

Edward was screwed.

Esme's eyes pleaded with me to play along though, so I did.

"Yeah, sorry I tagged along like this. But they had enough waitresses covering the shifts. At work. So, I didn't work. And now I'm here. Because yeah, I didn't eat dinner yet, and here you guys are in a restaurant and all, ready....to...eat...dinner."

Esme's eyes were probably wondering why they asked me to play along in the first place. Carlisle's eyes seemed to wonder if I ate too many paint chips as a child.

We sat down, Edward and Carlisle eyeing eachother the whole time, waiting to see who would make the first move.

I tried to cut the silence with the art of distraction.

"Wow, Esme, that's a really pretty blouse. It's so...flowery. You love flowers right? Like you have a lot of flowers at home? And Edward would pick them for you because...you love flowers?"

Okay, maybe I didn't have it down to an artform yet, but Esme gave me a "thanks for trying, champ" smile at least.

Edward's hand patted my knee underneath the table, signaling me to calm down. I saw Rose mocking me in my mind's eye for his overly chaste, overcorrecting hand placement, and shoved his hand up to my inner thigh.

His head jerked over in my direction in confusion. But my petulant expression smoothed out the worried look on his face and brought out a smile.

"Hussy," he whispered into my ear.

"Daisy picking dandy with gardening gloves," I whispered back.

And then we both started doing those annoying inside-joke-girly-giggles new couples do, which made Carlisle look like he was going to bitch slap Edward across the table, Bella or no Bella present.

"Ahem..." Carlisle interrupted, his eyes still fixed on Edward. "Esme, Alice called me earlier to see what we were all up to. If Bella and you would like to meet her for dinner somewhere else more fashionable, Edward and I can catch up with all of you later."

My giggles came back with that remark. It all seemed so foreign to me, saying things indirectly in the name of politeness.

If my dad had wanted Edward to leave the table, he would have just said, "Hey, Edward. Leave. I need to talk to Bella alone."

Who would have ever thought good old, emotionally constipated Charlie would have something over on St. Carlisle?

I had to make a choice. Either I would play along with the Cullenistic niceties, or else take it back old school, Swan style.

This one was for you, Charlie.

"IHOP is as fashionable as I get actually, Dr. Cullen. But if you would like me to leave the table right now because you want to talk shop with your family, I understand. There's a diner right next door that I could hang out at until you guys-"

My sentence trailed off as Esme gave me that "don't get up from your chair" look. And Edward held on harder to my thigh.

"No, Bella, whatever he needs to say to me, he can say in front of you."

"No," Carlisle cut in before I could respond," actually I can't say it in front of her, Edward."

It fell on me to be the tie breaker. Part of me wanted to make St. Carlisle happy, because that just seemed like the smart thing to do.

Don't fuck with saints, being my logic.

But come on, like it was even a contest.

"I'll stay if you want me to, Edward."

Carlisle seemed resigned to me staying, and began to unfold the cloth napkin from his plate and place it on his lap. He cleared his throat.

"Fine. I know why you've been putting off getting those mid-term evaluations in for the research position. You can't very well turn in evaluations that mention you are failing two courses; which by coincidence, are in the same area as your internship, can you?"

Edward nodded slightly, acknowledging his father's point.

"All you had to do was get your transcripts in and the evaluations filled out by your professors. That's all. I did the rest. And you turn around and do this? Do you have any idea how you just limited your options? The situation you put me in for getting you the position in the first place? Badly done, Edward. Selfishly done.."

It occurred to me that sometimes, the Cullens spoke like they popped out of a Jane Austen movie. Merchant and Ivory had nothing on their asses.

Edward just took in everything Carlisle was saying though passively.

It was weird.

Charlie and I had our share of fights as well, and Charlie was louder than Carlisle by a mile. What Carlisle was doling out was pretty mild actually.

It was always equal opportunity verbal sparring though between Charlie and I, never a one sided conversation.

But then again, I didn't have Charlie's permanent address engraved on top of a pedestal. Most sons admire their fathers; Edward venerated his.

"Maybe it wasn't even choices on your part. That's too deliberate. You have a history of making choices by not making choices, just letting things happen carelessly. Selfishly."

Esme's eyes narrowed at this point; and all of the sudden, I got the distinct feeling my presence was not just for Carlisle's behavioral benefit, but Esme's as well. She grabbed his arm like she meant business and whispered something into Carlisle's ear.

"But it is selfish," Carlisle responded to her unheard comment, completely unrepentant.

And if there was a word of the day for this episode of "Carlisle Verbally Rips Edward A New One," it was "selfish."

And I got his father's point. I really did. Edward had made some critically stupid choices in the last couple months. Put his father out. Put himself out in terms of future plans. But at the same time, I didn't like hearing Sainty characterize him like that.

Not the Edward I'd been hanging out with all semester.

"Your grades were middling before this year, they are falling off the chart this semester, and you said yourself you aren't ready for the MCAT in April. You needed this internship to attempt to get into any of the schools you've mentioned in the past. And you threw away that possibility when you threw away this semester doing God knows what. It's so wasteful. So selfish- "

And that's when it fell out of my mouth.

"Oh my God, I swear if you call him selfish one more time, I'm going to scratch my eyes out."

And since I couldn't put it back into mouth and take it back, more things started falling out. Left and right.

"I'm not justifying what he's done in anyway, Dr. Cullen. In fact, if you want to kick his ass for slipping up with his classes, get behind me, because I'm first in line. But don't call him selfish. If you need anyone to own that title, it's me."

I was met with silence. Wide eyed silence that made me wonder if saying "ass" in front of saints and debate queens was prohibited. And why did I go with scratching my eyes out for a threat? I was one of those people who should never venture out into public speaking without notecards....

"I started school in September and was getting my ass kicked with work and classes and I didn't know any other way of making ends meet than to work a million hours at a million different, shitty jobs--"

Edward's eyes got wider; but his lips were curving suspiciously, as if they wanted to smile....

"And then Edward comes along and I swear to God, you guys need to buy him some bi-focals, because when he looks at me he sees some girl who can do anything, like start a band and actually play for money even though my guitar skills are this side of shitty--"

Yep - definite smile on his face.....And even though I usually avoid swearing in front of parents, I was just going for blue collar cussing broke now in front of Dandy Central....

"And I would still be working sixty hours a week and getting zero sleep if it wasn't for him pushing me to do things differently and supporting me when I took that leap. And if it wasn't for him, I'd be failing Statistics right now, and not understanding verb forms in Spanish, and I'd still be pretending like I didn't need any help and I could do it all on my own and I'd have the shittiest dark circles underneath my eyes the whole time I was pretending.."

And of course, his smile was contagious, so my lips were spreading upwards now too. But the next part I was about to say made me want to cry at the same time...

"And it never occurred to me for one minute there was a price he was paying for all those "if it wasn't for hims." So, yeah, he's made some bad choices and he has been careless in some ways. But do not say for one minute he was being selfish this semester because nothing is farther from the truth..."

My voice trailed off right there, because I just realized I was threatening a saint. A saint who saves entire countries from measles and natural disasters. A saint who was looking at me with the most befuddled look on his face.

The only thing that kept me from melting into a grease stain right on the floor was Esme - and the wry smile she was giving me at the moment.

"And I'm going to go now. Because I think Edward should to talk to you alone, St.....Dr.....Carlisle."

Busted.

"And I need to go to the restroom so that I can go remove the foot from my mouth."

That comment made Esme's head tweak to the side. Which made me feel like I should explain myself better. Maybe Rose's all-purpose excuse would work..

"It's like I've been raised by wolves sometimes..."

Which only made Esme's head tweak even more - a definite sign that I needed to shut up.

Like five minutes ago.

I got up quickly - Edward held onto my hand tightly. I bent over and kissed it before letting go and heading towards the entrance.

"Bella!"

I turned around, ready to fend off any pleas for me to stay.

Instead, Edward just stood there, with a big shit eating grin on his face.

"That was the most amazing......"

Example of courage?

Vision of grace?

Display of oratory skills, rivaled only this century by the likes of Martin Luther King?

"....case of verbal diarrhea. Ever."

I groaned as I buried my head into his chest. He held me tightly, swaying side to side.

"Oh, God, I'm dead to your dad now. The minute I threatened to scratch my eyes out, I was dead to him, I could tell...."

"Shhh..." he managed out between silent chuckles, " Naw, my dad was trying not to smile when you walked away right now."

I peeked out the side of his chest - Esme was whispering into Carlisle's ear. Sure enough, Carlisle had a slight smirk on his face.

"Wow; well, at least I loosened up the crowd for you, huh? No tattoo flashing required even."

Edward peered over in their direction and nodded.

"Thanks. That was very chivalrous of you. And sweet."

I scrunched one eye up his way. "Hey, no one talks to my Dandy that way. I'll cut a bitch up, saint or no saint."

He held me for a little longer, trying to coax me back to the table. He couldn't pay me to go back there after my tantrum though.

"Your dad deserves to talk to you in private before he leaves." Edward agreed, but I could tell he wasn't looking forward to it all coming out now.

Whatever "it" was exactly.

After a good luck kiss and a promise to him that I'd stay close so we could leave as soon as possible, he headed back to the table.

I wandered out into the lobby, imagining I had an hour to kill before Edward would be done. He gave me his parents' room key in the case I wanted to hang out in their suite. That sounded like a bust. All I needed was for Carlisle to come back to his room, only to find me plopped on his bed, eating seven dollar Snickers Bars from the hotel mini-fridge and watching HBO on the flat screen.

There were some fancy schmancy shops to the right. But the tennis oufitted mannequins in the window were a good sign that even window shopping over there would be no fun. To the left was the entry way towards the gym and spa area.

And then there were the different stations right in front of me.

Concierge.

Guest Services.

Valet.

Express Check- Out.

.

.

.

Express Check- In.

I thought for a moment, what exactly would happen once Edward was done. We had a lot to talk about. And what were my options really, for having that talk? His apartment was a complete privacy-free zone. My dorm wasn't much better, since Alice would be home right now. Which meant we'd probably head to IHOP by default.

Effing IHOP. The land of politically correct sensuality, as Alice it put it, where saying "Please" was always on the menu.

I walked up to the lady behind the desk. And I knew I was going to pay for this later. Literally - as in extra shifts at Casey's, and not having enough money to send my mom at the end of the month. Because these rates, even for single occupancy, were damn expensive. One night's stay equaled half of my mom's mortgage payment.

But not ten minutes later, my credit card was maxed out and I was heading to my own suite to set up shop for Edward and I.

Just to talk, I told myself.

All the while cursing that I was wearing hi-cut cotton briefs instead of one of those lacey numbers Alice had commanded me to wear at all times.

Just in case.

xxxx