This chapter HAS been affected by revisions.

Dark as Rain

By Scutter

scutter1200@hotmail.com

Dedicated to Julie for her very cool fic, 'Star Light'.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 8. But I have some free jelly beans.

Rated R.

Chapter 53

POV of Squall, Squall, and more Squall. Then Laguna.

I felt an odd peace that night in my quarters after hearing Odine's news. I know some of the gang were shell-shocked by the whole thing... especially Rinoa. I think she's been having a rough time of it, no doubt imagining being possessed again - with more disastrous consequences now she's mastered her Sorceress powers. Cid turned white as a ghost, stuttering gratitude and pledging loyalty to Laguna for his help and support through the whole ordeal. As well as being the headmaster, he's like a father to us all. Must have scared him to bits to see his kids go off to war. Zell went real still and quiet, which with him, is rarely a good sign. I think Laguna pulled him aside for a pep talk and sent him back to his quarters. I should thank Laguna for that at some point.

Personally, though... I didn't find the news shattering. Mildly surprising, maybe. When Seifer said Ultimecia wasn't coming back, I took him seriously - not to say I thought he was right, but I believed he had a good reason for believing what he did. And the possibility that Odine was way off the map had already crossed my mind.

Speaking of Seifer... It's been over 24 hours since his little display in my quarters, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened there. Why would he bother going to such an effort to get me to have sex with him, when it was obvious I didn't want him there? Well, okay, letting him kiss me and stick his hand down my pants probably confused the issue. But I get the impression it's not just about the sex. Sex with Seifer was great. Wild and adventurous and certainly very satisfying.

I know he's jealous of Zell. But jealous of what? The fact that we sleep - oh sorry, slept - together? The fact that I let Zell into my life, my quarters, my routine, in a way I never let Seifer in? Zell got the whole package, not just the surreptitious hanky panky behind closed doors. Or jealous of the friendship, the closeness I have with Zell? Seifer can see that I care about him, even if Zell can't. But I still fail to see why Seifer would be jealous of it. We were adolescent boys, looking for some physical release and a challenge to keep overactive minds and bodies occupied. Maybe that was when I broke it off with Seifer - when I started to grow up a bit? But neither of us are kids any more, and the kind of relationship we had then could never work now.

Maybe that's the point. He's decided he wants the whole package? I shrug to myself in the darkness of my bedroom. That's more than I'm willing to give him. Why? Because Seifer was always willing to meet me on my own terms. He never pushed me to learn, or grow, or expand my way of thinking. Strange to think that way, since he was almost always the aggressor in our dabblings, 'demanding' a new position or location, 'insisting' on a time or day, whether it suited me or not. But once I'd set the boundaries, once we had an agreement going, he never pushed.

Zell pushes me on a daily basis. Starting with the kiss I gave him in the Training Center, that very first day I admitted to feeling anything for him. I never let Seifer touch me in public, never consented to any public affection or intimacy. With Zell, while things never went too far in public, his simple enthusiastic demonstrativeness meant I couldn't bring my self to hold back as much as I did with Seifer, and now, we think nothing of holding hands, hugging, or even sharing a quick kiss - though that last one is only in front of close friends - in Garden's communal areas.

And honestly, I enjoy the challenge. I enjoy being made to think about the way I do things, and re-evaluate my own predetermined limits and bend the arbitrary rules I've set for myself.

Hyne... here I am, trying to work some sense into whatever the hell Seifer is up to, and I end up day dreaming about Zell.

Restlessly, I flip on the lamp beside my bed, and pad out, in only a pair of boxer shorts, to the kitchen. Beer is cold, a nice change from the humid, too warm nights, and the alcohol will help me sleep, so I ignore the little voice of conscience that says I should cut back on how much I'm drinking lately. When the bedroom window is fully open, the breeze blows directly onto my couch, and I sit sprawled in the cooler air, in the dark, eyes closed and so still I can hear the sparkle and fizz of the beer above Garden's mechanical hum.

And I remember that last night brought no satisfaction to the fantasies of Zell I was entertaining when Seifer arrived. I take a deep, calming breath, feeling myself harden slightly at the thought. It's so easy to remember...

A day, not unlike this one, in the height of Balamb's summer. Humid, sticky and too hot to spend the evening doing anything but sitting around half naked on his couch. Zell has a leather couch. Feels fucking fantastic against bare skin.

The rest of this scene has been removed due to NC17 content. Please visit my web site for the full version.

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Morning brings news to my office, and I'm grateful I've already had my second cup of coffee when the SeeD comes marching through the door.

"Commander, sir!" he snaps a sharp salute. "We have identified and captured the members of the rogue faction, sir! There are several members missing, and the faction leader claims that these members were killed during the battle with Thanatos, though we have yet to determine whether these reports are accurate."

Oh Hyne... I have too much on my mind to be dealing with this pile of shit. The end of the forum is scarcely days away, I'm worried about Seifer and how he'll react to all this... and I now have to figure out how to explain Time Compression and Ultimecia's ultimate defeat to a bunch of people who still think 'Back to the Future' was complicated. Try explaining to them how cause and effect works in a universe where time has ceased to exist...

And then there's the fact that behind my desk, beneath the cool, calm, slightly irritated exterior... I have a major erection. That's what I get for thinking about Zell and desk-sex, sitting in my office at 0830.

"We are keeping the faction members in FH's detention center. Do you wish to question them further?" the SeeD asks briskly. I guess my long silence was uninformative for the poor man.

I take the time to sigh deeply while I mull over my answer. Lesson twenty three of 'How to look intelligent without saying anything' - frown, look worried and sigh a lot. "I want a full report on how, when and where the monsters appeared, and all the information you can get on Thanatos. Follow up those reports about missing members. Then the faction can be handed over to FH authority for now. We'll help FH with legal proceedings after the forum has concluded."

"Yes sir."

The SeeD leaves the room as swiftly as he entered it, and I check my schedule for the rest of the morning. I wonder if there's time for me to jerk off before my meeting with Cid...

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"Laguna?"

I step into his quarters after he opens the door, and feel a sinking sensation at the state of the room. He's packing. Clothes litter his bed and are spilling out of a carry case sitting on the floor.

"Squall! Come in, son! How are you doing?"

There's an odd note of concern in his voice, and I know he's referring to the news about Ultimecia. I answer the question, along with the hundred unspoken concerns I now know he has. Even in the past few days, we've both been making an effort. Ironic, isn't it? Hooking up with Zell wasn't enough to repair my relationship with my father, but losing him has actually made a difference. "I'm okay. Right now I'm just relieved it's over."

He nods, seeming pleased with the answer. "Oh, look at this!" He bends over and pulls one leg of his trousers up, revealing a standard Esthar army boot and... Oh Hyne... a bright purple sock. With a blue patch fixed to the top.

"Look!" He bends down and presses the blue circle, and instantly, a mechanical version of 'Twinkle Twinkle little star' chirps from the socks. "Musical socks!" he points out the obvious cheerfully, waving his foot toward me. "Kiros found them for me in the FH shopping center. Aren't they great? And look, the other one," he switches legs, "plays 'The Grand Old Duke of York'."

Humour him, my mind tells me. You want a favour from him, so humour him. "Yeah, they suit you," I reply, keeping the sarcasm down to a good humoured wryness.

He grins up at me... he heard the double meaning in my reply, and isn't offended by it. He chuckles again, and finally drops the leg of his trousers. There's a pause, while he looks at me expectantly.

"You're leaving?" It's more a statement than a question, and I don't bother to keep the disappointment and concern out of my voice.

His grin fades. Somehow, I think he was expecting to have this conversation with me sometime. "Well... yeah. I mean... Ultimecia's all finished with, isn't she?"

I sigh again, seems I'm doing a lot of that lately, and wonder how to broach this next topic. "Laguna... About Seifer..."

"Squall, I know you want me to stay for the forum." He shrugs apologetically. "I know it's important to you, but Esthar has no business-"

"Please." The word is quiet, charged and meek. And it has, for the first time in my life, the desired effect of rendering Laguna speechless.

*

Oh Hyne, help me. My sense of duty and good old common sense is saying I should get out of here before an overdeveloped sense of guilt and longing to connect with my boy cause me to do something stupid. But I think it's already too late. I can count on one hand the number of times Squall has come right out and asked me for something. And despite the fact that he's standing here with a look that says he's all business, it breaks my heart to... disappoint him? Hyne, is he even capable of feeling disappointment? Something else to add to the endless list of things I don't know about my boy.

"Esthar has no problem with Seifer, be it in FH, in Esthar, or in any other part of the world. And even less so now that Ultimecia's out of the picture," I remind him, even as I feel my own resolve begin to crumble.

"Does that sense of indifference extend to letting an innocent man be condemned unjustly?" He's calm, cool exterior is, I'm sure, just a cover for a young man who cares deeply for his friends, and is trying to protect one of them the only way he can.

"I think you well know that Seifer is anything but innocent. And you said yourself, the point of this forum is to find justice. If they condemn him, they do so with good reason." By now, I know I'm staying, even as I continue to argue politics with Squall.

"Then stay and tell the world that Esthar doesn't see him as a threat. Tell them you think he's insignificant. Too insignificant for you to worry about. Just let the world know you actually have an opinion!"

"You mean like Garden is doing?" I snap, reminding him of his own stubborn refusal to get Garden involved in the debate. Okay, so that was below the belt and I know it. Squall has some good reasons for keeping Garden out of this, both personal and professional, and quite honestly, I'd be a lot less respectful of his position here if he had jumped in and let all that personal bias direct the outcome of this forum. But, I suppose, the point he's trying to make is that despite sitting on the political fence, Garden is still here, overseeing proceedings, making sure things don't get out of control. Letting the world know they have an interest in its welfare, even if they won't dictate the outcome.

He's gritting his teeth and looking thoroughly pissed off, and I know I'm pushing too hard here. "I'll stay," I murmur, before he can snap out some acidic reply, and his head snaps up in surprise. "We won't be making any political contribution to the forum, but we'll stay and see it through to the end. And," I concede apologetically, "you can stop taking all the heat for Esthar's silence. It's time we started answering for ourselves."

"That's... that would be appreciated." Okay, so it's not quite gratitude... but it's pretty close, and coming from Squall... ah, heck, I'll take what I can get.

There's a moment's silence, then to my faint surprise, he speaks again, rather than escaping from the room. "I saw you talking to Zell after Odine's meeting."

Bullseye! I knew he had a reason for coming here. I mean a real reason, not the responsible, 'I have to protect the world because I'm the Commander' crap he goes on about. A real, heartfelt, groin-tingling reason. "Yeah. Nice kid. He was kinda worked up about the whole not-the-end-of-the-world thing, so I thought talking him down might be nice." Truth is, I think there was more going on with Zell than simple relief that Garden was out of the woods where Ultimecia was concerned. In actual fact, now I think about it, he even looked a little green, like the news wasn't entirely welcome.

"Thank you."

Oh Hyne, now I know he's in love... not that I didn't know that months ago, but I'm privately hit by the significance of his words - He can manage to thank me for taking care of his boyfriend, but not for playing a role in the forum. And knowing how important his job is to him... Hyne, it must be love. I hold back a chuckle. The situation would be funny if it weren't so damn painful watching him and Zell drift away from each other.

"Squall? You still haven't worked things out with him, have you?"

He shakes his head reluctantly. "He doesn't want to talk about it yet-"

"For fuck's sake, Squall, do you even realise what you're doing?" Hyne, I just can't stand this any more. Standing back and watching the two of them fuck up this one chance they have together is more than my patience can deal with. "You two keep dancing around each other like you're at a fucking high school prom. He's one of the most important people in your life, and you can't even see that you're about to lose him for good. Since you hooked up with him, you've been the happiest I have ever seen you, and a good few of your friends think the same thing. And I think you care about him too much to just let that slip."

He's angry now, and I brace myself for an onslaught of lion-flavoured wrath. But instead, his voice is tightly controlled, and held dangerously steady. "Zell has his own opinions, and I respect him enough to give him the time and space to decide what he wants."

"Zell is as stubborn as you are and he doesn't need any damn space, Squall. He needs a good hard kick up the ass and a firm shove in the right direction."

"I'm not going to just barge into his room and demand that he listen to me."

"Why not? You're afraid he just might realise how much you care about him?" Squall looks genuinely taken aback by that, and I think I've struck the right chord. "I have had an earful of this from every one of your friends, who are being a damn lot more insightful than you are. Zell doesn't need space. He needs to know that you actually give a shit about him. Believe me, Squall, you don't have forever to fix this. But you might regret it for that long if you don't."

"Zell knows I care about him," Squall says quietly, and I honestly have to wonder whether he truly believe that, or whether he knows he's kidding himself.

"When was the last time you told him that?"

I'm pretty sure I've thoroughly pissed him off by now, so I'm not surprised when he moves smoothly to the door. "I have work to do," he excuses himself quietly. "I'll see you at the forum." He hits the switch on the door, and disappears silently down the hallway.

Pissed off? Yeah, he is. In denial? Probably. But is he going to go think about my advice anyway? I'd bet my life on it.

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Musical socks! *snerk* Feedback will be bounced. Flames will be squashed.

I realise Squall might seem to be a bit OOC here... but he's come a long way since the start of the fic, and learned some hard lessons. Granted, he's never going to like Laguna's quirks or be a sociable and huggable chap, but he's growing up. And I think my writing is fitting in with that. And I've been itching to write a good Laguna rant, too, so here it is. Feel free to disagree, if you want to comment on that. Glad you all understood what was going on with Ultimecia... amazed that some of you even understood Odine's version! Yay!

Ack! Many many reviews!! Happy Christmas to me!

Hopemia: Bad thoughts about Squall/ Zell fics?? ACK!! *swoons in absolute pure horror* I didn't even know that was possible! Well, I'm glad I at least managed to redeem them for you. :) And Tenshi no Korin is a fantastic author! Yay! (So is Julie, but of course, we all know that already.)

Zierra: There are more twists to come, where Squall, Zell and Seifer are concerned. Hold onto your hat! On the topic of no-real-need-to-know things... I'm honoured that this fic is so special to you. :)

Jenihenpen: 'Back to the Future' was very cool... Glad you understood Odine, cos even I find him a bit confusing now and then... and I'm writing him! And I finally managed to get Laguna's musical socks in!! Go me!

myeerah: 'Squall snow globe'. The muses love it. Also, see Zierra's comment re: Squall, Zell and Seifer.

Angelus Errare: 'Now the 6 of them can rest'. With Seifer still causing trouble, people trying to kill each other in FH and the political state of the world not at its most stable ever...? Hehe, I'd like to see that. 'assuming you have a happy reunion planned'... That's a big assumption to be making... *evil cackle* Keep watching to find out more!

Guenhwyvar: No two ways about it... Zell has some big decisions to be making. Poor Zell...

faery-of-fiction: By way of an explanation for how Seifer knew... I recommend reading chapter 28 again. Seifer explains it pretty well himself.

Collette: 'I could never ever ever write something as magnificent as this.' Sure you could. Wanna know a secret? I started writing when I was about 13, and my first few stories were pretty crap... but I kept practicing, and writing and reading other authors fics, and hey look, now I'm 22 and writing Dark as Rain. 'Could you try to make Seifer less of an annoying ass?' In a word... no. I like my Seifers evil. The only non-evil Seifer I've read and really enjoyed was Julie's Seifer in 'Blood Kiss'. I just have too much trouble writing him non-evil without getting horribly out of character. Thanks for the enthusiasm.

And thanks to Haly for the review.