A/N: Thank you so much for such kind words for the previous chapter and that it was received so well. I hope you will feel the emotions that I have tried to bring out in each of them and it moves you like it did me when I wrote this chapter. My deepest thanks for all who are reading this story and like the universe that I have created. Reviews are welcome and appreciated. NC


Chapter 54

Movement and shifting of the mattress brought Sam awake and looking around for the reason. He saw Dean was sitting up on the edge of the bed with his back to him. Sam took the time to inspect his back seeing the welts were about gone and only a couple of thin scabbed lines were left in a couple of places. The bruising was slowly changing colors and he looked like a rainbow splashed canvas. The other scars didn't seem as prominent anymore, especially when he got a tan on his back.

"How ya feeling?" Sam asked him getting his attention.

"I've haven't stood up yet." Dean said as he shut his eyes so the room would stop spinning.

"I thought maybe when you were able we'd head over to the cabin for a while. Give you some time to recup and all."

"He still here?" Dean asked in a dull tone not wanting to say his name.

"Yes." Sam answered. "And I know who he is Dean and why you didn't tell me. I know you were trying to protect me and I'm grateful, but Dee...I could of handled it. You didn't have to hide it from me. He's our father and we do this together." he said softly.

Sam saw Dean's shoulders stiffen and tense with that knowledge but he didn't say anything. When Sam realized Dean wasn't going to acknowledge that, he changed the subject knowing now wasn't the time for this conservation.

"Let me check your shoulders and I'll help you get a shirt on." Sam sighed scooting up behind him and gently began to prop one of Dean's shoulders with his fingers. Dean let him move his shoulder slowly around in a circle wincing and grunting softly when he found the tender spots.

"Sorry, sorry." Sam apologized as he massaged the spots carefully loosening up the tight tendons and ligaments. "Maybe this'll help with your range of motion. At least it doesn't feel like there's any damage done." Sam told him moving to the other shoulder to work on it. "I think we can take the IV out now too." he decided moving to remove it from Dean's arm. After he was finished, Sam grabbed Dean's tee shirt and helped him get it on. "Wanna try walking to the bathroom?"

"Yeah, need to get things working right again and get the stiffness worked out of my body." Dean replied letting Sam help him stand and get his balance. Once he was sure the dizziness was gone, he stepped gingerly toward the door with Sam hovering beside him in case he stumbled. Taking small steps, he was able to make into the bathroom on his own. Sam stepped back out and let him have some privacy but kept the door partly open so he could hear him.

"Let me use it and we'll see about getting some breakfast." Sam told him swapping places with Dean and closing the bathroom door.

spn

Not waiting on Sam to come out, Dean used the wall to help support him as he headed down the hall, letting his nose lead him to the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway when he saw John at the stove cooking. John caught movement out of the corner of his eye and turned seeing Dean standing there.

"Thought I'd start some breakfast." John said nodding to the stove. "I made some oatmeal and toast, thought it would be easy on your stomach."

Dean stared at him as a mixture of emotions coursed through him. He wasn't sure what to do or say as he confronted him. He had been holding so much in for so long it seemed to explode out of him before he could stop it.

"Why don't you sit down?" John asked cautiously.

Dean stood there not moving as he worked on drawing air into his lungs and his body stiffened and tensed the more he let go. There were so many things he wanted to yell at him, he wanted to accuse him of, he wanted answers for, but he couldn't seem to make the words form into sentences.

"Do you know how many times I prayed for you to come and get us? How many days I sat in a window looking out waiting to see you drive up and you didn't come." Dean managed to get out in a hoarse growl. "And when Sam was adopted...how alone I felt?" he continued stepping unsteadily toward him as his anger began to rise and his heart pounded harder in his chest and he curled his hands into fists. "Do you know what its like for a kid to feel so hopeless and abandoned and lost?" he cried swinging a fist and connecting with John's face with a resounding thud, snapping it to the side. He didn't do much damage but for a split lip since he was still weak from his ordeal but that didn't stop him. "To be beaten and starved and abused..." he hissed throwing more punches that got weaker with each one. Dean was panting heavily as all his pent up emotions bombarded him wanting to get out and be set free.

John stood there listening to his son's rage knowing he deserved every word and so, so much more. He never raised a single finger as Dean struck him. He was knocked back into the counter and grabbed it for support. He could see the hurt and despair and hatred in Dean's eyes and saw him start to stumble, losing his balance.

John grabbed Dean and pulled him to his chest as Dean tried to yell but with his throat already raw and irritated, it only came out in hoarse, angry whimpers as his body trembled uncontrollably in his grasp as he struggled weakly in his arms. He could feel his father's strong arms around him and a small bubble pushed its way out into all his anger and rage. When it popped, it called up memories of those arms holding him when he was young. Memories that overshadowed the rest driving away the bad for now. They carried him when he was just learning to walk, tossed him in the air and caught him making him laugh so hard, picked him up when he fell, laid his baby brother in his arms for the first time, cocooned him in their loving embrace, and gently tucked him into his bed at night with a brush of lips across his forehead. Feelings of safety, love, security, and happiness began to break through his rage as he fisted his father's shirt tightly in his hands, clinging to him like a drowning victim.

"Dad..." Dean sobbed only loud enough for John to hear as he buried his face deeper into John's chest. Was he strong enough to be able to forgive? He would never forget, but the energy it took to hate drained and weakened him more than he knew. Was it enough for him that John did come back? Could he find a small place for him in his life? Could they mend the broken bridge across the canyon that has formed between them?

John felt the tension leaving Dean's body and tightened his hug on him trying to comfort him and hold him up as his he cleared his throat trying not to choke on his own emotions. He cupped a calloused hand to Dean's cheek, brushing away his tears as he looked lovingly at his son. John didn't know if he would ever hear that word from Dean again and it just about broke him. He silently thanked whoever was listening for this small miracle. He had wanted to hold his sons again since he remembered them, to hold them in his arms once again and let them know how much he loved them.

"Dean, saying I'm sorry will never, never make up for what you had to endure. If there was any way I could turn back time and take away all that happened to you I would in a heartbeat. Hell, I would take all the pain and misery myself if I could. You can't hate me any more than I hate myself right now and I'll never be able to forgive myself for the torture you endured." John whispered to Dean as he held onto him and let him sob quietly into his chest. He couldn't stop the flow of tears coming from his own eyes as he felt his son's anguished cries and his heart broke once again knowing he was the reason for Dean's breakdown. John knew this was what Dean needed, to release all that pent up anger and rage, even if it was at him. His sobs begin to quiet and he could feel the hitching of his breathing under his hands.

spn

Sam had come out of the bathroom to find Dean gone and when he didn't see him in the bedroom, he headed down the hall toward the kitchen. He ran when he heard loud voices coming from the kitchen and stopped in his tracks as he watched Dean attack their father throwing weak punches at him over and over. Sam started to take a step toward them when he saw John hold up a hand for him to stop. Sam listened to Dean trying to scream as his face reddened and saw all the pent up rage being released before he stumbled and started to fall if John hadn't caught him. He didn't bother trying to stop the tears that leaked from his eyes as he listened to John talking to Dean. He just hoped Dean was hearing him and it was sinking in.

spn

"You should never have gone through what you did, no child should. But I want you to know how proud I am of you for not ever giving up, for staying strong and for finding your brother. I'm proud of both of you." he said looking over Dean's head at Sam as he steered Dean to a chair gently lowering him onto it. "I never wanted to cause you this much pain or suffering, so I'll pack and catch a bus back to Sioux Falls to get my truck. I'll leave..."

"No, stay." Sam interjected stepping toward them. "We have to settle this, none of us'll be able to move on if we don't." He stopped beside Dean and looked at John not sure what to do. John only waited for a moment before he pulled him into his embrace and held him tightly, relishing the moment before letting him go. It had been so long since he had held Sam in his arms it was almost foreign.

Sam sucked in a shaky breath and wiped his wet face on his sleeve and sniffed loudly. He half heartily returned the hug since it was like hugging a stranger, it just didn't seem right yet. He wanted to know the man first before accepting him. Yes, he had help rescue Dean, and he seemed truly remorseful, but Sam wanted to know why, why had he not come back for them. He needed to have that information before making a rational decision about him. It was just how his mind worked, he had to have all the facts in order to make a decision that he would be satisfied with. He had to weight all the information he could gather. Sam was never one to blindly accept anything as fact without thoroughly researching it. The same when for people. Neither Bobby or Dean knew about the research he had done on the people close to them to be sure they were who they said they were. His motto was you can never be too careful no matter how well you knew a person.

spn

"Sam's right you know." Bobby commented coming into the kitchen his hair still damp from a shower. "You three need to sit down and hash this out so there won't be any regrets in the future. Whatever you decide is going to effect each of you one way or another, so might as well throw everything on the table, get it out in the open. No regrets."

Dean hadn't said a thing during all this as he hugged his body and tried get his emotions back under control. He was not one to lose it like that and with all that had happened he was being bombarded to the point of overloading and losing himself in that ebony darkness of nothingness. His breathing was hitched and sporadic but he felt the familiar hand of his brother rest comfortingly on his shoulder and squeezing it gently. Everything seemed to be closing in on him and all the voices seemed so far away all of a sudden. He felt his anger dissipating as he tried to stop the panic attack that was trying to take hold.

"Dean are you ok?" John asked sensing his son's distress.

"Dee, I'm here, slow your breathing you can control it." Sam told him kneeling down beside his chair when he heard the wheezing coming from his brother "Look at me Dean, slow and steady."

John frowned and looked from his sons to Bobby not sure what was going on.

"Panic attack." Bobby told him when he saw his confusion. "He's had them occasionally. Stress can bring one on."

"C'mon Dee, you can stop it, just breath." Sam encouraged his brother as he looked between the two older men. He was not standing on the sidelines this time, he didn't care what Dean threatened to do to him. He had a hand on Dean's chest feeling his breathing and sighed when it slowed and the wheezing stopped.

Dean looked up through blurry eyes at his brother and nodded he was ok, he had it under control. He leaned back in the chair trying to pull everything together. It was rare that he showed anyone his true feelings, he didn't want to seem weak. He looked up into his father's face seeing the smears of blood around his mouth and down his chin. Dean opened his fists feeling the bruising from his punches. He tried to wipe his eyes and focus on what Sam was saying to him as the room spun around him.

"Now that's settled, I need some coffee." Bobby announced to everyone heading for the full pot. "I'll just head back to the bedroom, let you three..."

"No!" Dean rasped out as loud as he could.

"Dean's right, you're part of this too Bobby, you're our family and it will effect you too." Sam told him knowing what Dean wanted. "Stay, we both want that."

"They're right, you've been more a father to them than I was able to be. You should have your say too." John agreed turning to pour a cup of coffee for himself. "Coffee?" he asked his sons picking up two more cups.

"Dean needs to eat something before we do anything else." Sam announced watching the trembling of his brother's hands. "We've waited this long, won't hurt to wait until we're all calmer and have eaten."

"I'll get the oatmeal." Bobby said going to the stove to dish oatmeal out into bowls for them.

Sam pulled his chair close to Dean and looked him over being sure he was still doing ok. Dean hug his head and focused on his breathing to slow down his racing heart and calm his mind.

"Try and eat something Dee." Sam told him pulling two bowls toward him and pushing one in front of Dean. "You want fruit on yours?" he asked waiting patiently for him to answer.