Welcome back, little pumpkins! How are you all doing? Good? I hope so. I feel like I literally never update, which is sad, because I love writing. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life once this story is finished. Cry, probably. And then. Yeah. And then. I don't know. I don't have a manga or anime series that I really want to write a story for right now. Oh. I'm rambling again, I need to stop.

AND I'm a year older. Hah. So weird. It feels like there's a whole decade somewhere that I missed or something. Oh well, I'll probably stay childish forever, who cares.

ALSO, VERY IMPORTANT! I have to finish a really big project on March 11th and it's a lot of writing work, so if I don't update for a week or two or three, that's why. I know my updating schedule has been terrible, but it's a busy time! After March 11th, I'll have more time, because then most of the big projects I have will be finished, so then, everything will go back to normal. But for now, please have patience and faith in me!

**SURPRISE! (not really it's a disclaimer, but still) I do not own Death Note or anything related to it. I only own my original storylines and characters. Also, I make typos. And I am often too lazy to correct them, so if you hate reading stories with typos, you've been warned.


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55. No Solution

Silence. For a good minute at least.

Then words so forced and unfitting that I knew I had actually surprised L maybe a tat too much. 'Um. Near wanted to see you, as I said before, but you haven't actually met, since I locked him up instead of having you looking after him, so you can go back and um. Talk.' He seemed to be struggling to get each word out.

And then he turned around. Walking away. Fleeing.

'Ryuzaki,' I said, sounding slightly amused, but also irritated.

No response. With a sigh, I followed after him. 'Ryuza—' Right before I reached him, he turned around, grabbed my wrist and kissed me. It wasn't exactly like any of the other kisses we'd shared. This was more of a 'I want you to shut up, so I'll kiss you'-move. But there was something in the way he stiffly held me that told me it was about more than that.

And in my messy head and heart, I found that this might just have been what I needed, what we both needed. Whatever his response would be later, this was something I didn't want to miss. So I didn't think and just grabbed his sweatshirt, allowing myself to inch closer to this man who hated physical contact. But he did not push me away. I wasn't sure why he hadn't, he had done it before. In more ways than one. He'd left me after the Kira case. Whether he felt something for me back then – or felt something for me now – the fact that he just left without saying anything hurt, even though I had no memories of it.

There was this moment where his hand crept up over my arm, making me shiver, fingertips touching my shoulder. It was at this moment that his fingers touched my hair. And it almost seemed like Ryuzaki recoiled, as if the touch of my hair made him remember who he was. As if the touch of my hair swept away his interest in me.

'Go to Near,' he whispered when he let me go, an expression on his face that I could only interpret as sadness. What had made him sad?

'But—' I tried, because I wanted to force him to talk me to about this. About him. About what he was feeling. It was no use denying it now.

'Go,' he interrupted again. 'Please,' he added when I wasn't moving.

And then I saw it. Through the mask. He'd heard me and he had been surprised. And now he needed time to think. To deal with it. Because there wasn't anything in his brain that could help him with how to solve this situation. How to deal with it. He actually needed to think of a plan before proceeding.

He was handling this like it was a case.

Well. If that was what worked for him, who was I to force him?

I nodded, giving in. He nodded back, before awkwardly turning around and walking away. Not fast, but just fast enough that it felt like he was fleeing again.


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The small room that kept Near wasn't locked. Not strange, because… where would he go? The other ones were locked though and they kind of scared me. The people behind the tables just… staring. And Near frightened me, too, I had to admit. He looked like a creepy kid.

A creepy kid that recognised me. 'Olivia.'

'You know me,' I replied. It was not a question.

He blinked a few times, but he remained composed, as if he understood. How odd. I really did not think Ryuzaki had told him everything about me. Wait, had he? Now I wasn't so sure. 'Interesting,' was his reply.

I pulled an eyebrow up. 'Interesting?' I repeated. 'Interesting,' I said again, with a sour face. 'What a day to be alive.' Too much happened in one day to just… accept this. I would've behaved, I would've asked questions. I would've know what my connection to this boy was. But I was tired and annoyed and just… done.

'You're angry,' the little boy said and I found myself actually surprised by his words. Not because of the words he said, but the way he'd said them. He sounded… amused… no… fascinated. And curious, very, very curious.

Too curious.

I sat back a little. 'I'm not.'

'You just made your hands into fists, you're jaw was clenched and your eyes were sharpened. Even you're eyebrows looked angry. Don't try to argue with me, it doesn't work. You're angry. Or were, until I apparently surprised you.'

I stared at the boy, trying to see, to understand, how he could talk like that. He wasn't that old and the fact that he was this smart did not surprise me. But the way he spoke… it was weird. It wasn't like Ryuzaki, who only explained the basic thought process and never tried to convince anyway unless they ordered him to. This was a boy who not only knew he was right. This was a boy that desperately wanted people to acknowledge just how right he was.

The life of a prodigy.

'Listen, Near,' I said, trying to speak calm, like the adult in the room, 'I don't know how you know me, but I know you must've figured out by now that I have lost some of my memory. So, I'm going to as you a question. How do we know each other?'

His answer came quick, his expression amused. 'Mello.'

'Mello?' Wasn't he here as well? Yes, I definitely heard that name today, probably from Watari. 'Why Mello?'

'He was curious, so he kidnapped you.'

I was kidnapped twice? 'Pardon? He kidnapped me because he was curious?'

Near seemed to enjoy my reactions. 'He is an… extraordinary specimen, if I may say so. You needn't think about the reasons behind his actions. He mostly does things to get attention.'

Ah. Life of two different prodigies. How great.

'So he kidnapped me and took me to where you lived? With all the other L trainees?' I guessed, since I knew that much. Even though no one explained much around here, I was still one of the smartest people in the police force. Even though I wasn't really part of the police force anymore…

Near didn't seem surprised by my guess. Too bad.

'I am unsure as to what you are doing here right now,' he then said, but he said it in a way that made me not believe a single word he just said. This kid probably already knew way too much.

Which made me wonder why I even bothered.

'You know what. I think you're right. I have no reason to be here right now.' With those words I stood and left the room, locking the outdoor lock this time, just in case.


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She had no idea what time it was when the old man finally came to bring her to a proper room. It was on the same floor as the others, he told her, but she knew that the fact that he told her meant that their doors would probably be locked. But when she was in the room and he left and she didn't hear anything conforming her theory, she actually found herself going after him.

'Excuse me!' she said, not sure how to formally address him now. She couldn't act disrespectful forever. Especially when they were letting her stay here, in a room. And not in a prison cell, like she'd expected.

The old man turned around and looked at her. She could see it in his eyes every time he looked at her. She could clearly see how old he was, how old the guilt was. How calm he was, despite everything. Despite himself. Despite everything he'd ever done. 'You're just going to… let us stay? On the same floor? Without locked doors?' she asked. Her voice still made him flinch. She wasn't proud of it, but it kind of felt good to see just how guilty he felt.

'Ryuzaki's orders,' was his explanation and it was clear he really wanted to leave now.

Why would Ryuzaki ever…? I mean, she wasn't stupid. There was something definitely bothering him, especially about the whole her-and-Matt part of their story, but she wasn't sure why. Did he feel guilty, too? For what? It wasn't like he wanted the orphanage to turn into a little L-factory. He was way too young at the time to decide such a thing. At least, that was what she hoped.

'Which room is Matt's?' she asked Watari, more as an act of rebellion than because she was really curious. This wasn't a large floor, she could easily find his room herself. But that wouldn't be nearly as much fun.

Sadly enough, the old man seemed to realise this, too. 'Goodnight, A,' he said, after which he fled the floor.

'Do not call me that!' she shouted, too late. The old man had already disappeared in the elevator.


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It was late when Matsuda finally left. L hadn't come back, but he must've given Watari orders, because on the screens I could see how Watari moved the four newcomers to a floor. A floor I recognised. The floor Misa was kept in, although her specific part of that floor was not used now, and the security cameras inside the rooms weren't on. Or just not on these screens.

Matsuda had ordered some weird spicy food from a service he liked, but I couldn't care less for it, so I stole a piece of one of the cakes in the fridge, since Ryuzaki wasn't here to eat them, anyway. I was surprised by how calm I was now. Yes, I had said three very dangerous words to Ryuzaki, but what was the worst that could happen?

He could leave me. Again. It would hurt, yes. And I would try to make myself hate him. But I wouldn't stop living just because he left me. I had to hold myself above a higher standard than that, at least. Otherwise, this was going to be one soppy drama of a life.

The night lightening in the screen room went suddenly on. I wasn't sure why the light changed, but it went from more yellowy light to a slightly more blue shade of light. Maybe so that Ryuzaki could keep track of the time without looking at a clock. I wasn't sure why he would need to know the time, though, since he never slept and just ate when he felt like it.

Now that I thought about eating…

I frowned and turned my chair around, walked back to the fridge. It was full with cakes. And I just took a piece from a cake that was new. All of them were. He had not eaten a bite.

Which might not have been so strange, since he hadn't been here that often, but I remembered the fridge in Watari's office having only whole cakes, too. Maybe not anymore, but still. How much had Ryuzaki eaten?

I walked to the kitchen part of the main floor, with a bigger fridge and a fruit bowl. Full fruit bowl, full fridge, untouched cakes. Untouched everything. This… this was getting kind of worrying.

I opened up the cabinets. Candy, chocolate, more than you could imagine. Untouched. All of it. Had he drunk any tea or coffee? No, he would always ask Watari or Matsuda to get him drinks and he hadn't asked anything. Not from Matsuda, at least.

I tried not to stress, tried to convince myself that there were more places to get food, that he was probably just avoiding me and thereby this kitchen, the fridges. Not because he was genuinely not eating.

But then I remembered his body against mine. Thin, too thin. Thinner. Weaker. I thought L couldn't survive without a sugar high. And maybe that was true. Maybe he was somewhere on the private floors, laying on the ground, barely breathing, hungry, thirsty… alone.

I was running before I knew it and without a plan. Watari must've seen me coming on the cameras, though, because he was already outside his office when I ran past. 'Where's Ryuzaki?' I asked, only slowing down when I came close, not stopping.

'Private floor 7,' Watari replied quickly. He knew what it meant when I asked something, when I ran.

'I thought you were supposed to keep him healthy!' I shouted back to him when I was long past him. I did not get a response, but something about my own remark left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I had never been on private floor 7. At least, not that I remembered. So when I entered the unfamiliar corridor, I had no idea where to go. All the open doors, I ignored, since L would never go into a room without locking the door, especially not on a private floor of his.

I found another kitchen and couldn't help but check. It wasn't as full as the one downstairs, but full enough to conclude that he had indeed not taken anything from this kitchen either. The fruit bowl was completely full and there were at least four cakes just waiting in the fridge. I found them relatable somehow.

What I did not found was Ryuzaki. Where was he? How far could he have… Oh.

I found him in a completely empty room with only a bed. Almost completely empty rooms seemed to be a theme here. And he was laying there, on his side, his legs pulled up and his arms wrapped around them.

It was the most innocently pure thing I had ever seen. And for some reason, it broke my heart.

Instead of going inside, I left again, heading to the kitchen. I picked one of the cakes – randomly, I didn't want to waste time thinking about which kind of cake he would prefer – and cut a big slice. I found plate big enough for both a slice of cake and a banana and I also made work of searching for a small fork. Then, after that was done, I looked through the freezer and found vanilla and chocolate ice cream. I scooped both in a big bowl and added strawberries and whipped cream. And then I put that bowl back in the freezer, since I had no idea when he would be awake. Then I cut an apple and sprinkled the pieces with sugar and cinnamon and put that in a bowl as well. That wasn't for him, though, but for me. I knew for a fact that he did not like apples, anyway. Or at least, he preferred most of the other fruits in the bowl.

I decided against making coffee and just brought a big bottle of water with me instead. With the bowl of apple, the big slice of cake, the banana and the water I headed back to the room. I again did not go inside. I sat down in the doorframe, placing everything right in front of me. And then I leaned against the wooden doorframe, staring at the man – who looked just like a little boy – in the bed. I wondered whether I should wake him up and force him to eat, but I could do that as soon as he had some rest. He couldn't go anywhere while I was in the doorframe, I hoped. So I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, having the familiar rhythm of Ryuzaki's breathing as my lullaby.


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'Well, that didn't take long,' she said when someone knocked on her door. But when she opened the door it wasn't Matt. It was the little albino brat.

She sighed. 'I should've known,' she said, which made the boy frown. She liked that, that frown. Not because it showed her that she had displeased or confused him in some way, but because it actually looked like the child could emote. She had been doubting that for a while now.

'What do you want, kid?' she asked, regretting not having gum. She was always so much sassier when she was chewing gum and this kid wanted her to behave like a high school cheerleading bully. She wasn't sure why. Probably because he seemed like someone she would bully, if she'd ever been to high school. Oh yes, she would definitely have been a bully. Not because she was a necessarily mean person, but because she liked to kick people down the rabbit hole in which she had been living since she was three.

'To talk,' he said to her.

She frowned. That was a typical answer. Playing the pronoun game with her wasn't something she enjoyed. 'About what exactly?' she asked while considering pinching his white cheeks just to check if he wasn't a robot. Would they turn red if she pinched hard? It looked so white that it made her wonder…

'Well, you managed to… play dead, so to speak, for a good amount of years,' Near explained, which made her frown only worse. Where was he going with this? Then she got it and she looked utterly surprised when he finally said what she'd already guessed. 'I want to know how you did that. I want you to tell me how.'


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I thought I'd woken up before him at first. But then I said straighter and found him staring at me from his frozen position on the bed, me staring back. Neither of us seemed willing to move. But when I did, ever so slightly, he broke eye contact by closing his eyes.

The silence wasn't awkward or tense. It was… calm. Weird calm. I wasn't sure why. Maybe because I had no words in my mind to say, nothing that was urgent or important.

Ryuzaki sat up and only then did he see the food on the floor. He pulled a face that kind of looked like the face a child makes the first time it eats something nasty. 'You… I forgot that you could be sharp sometimes.'

I shrugged, but because of my weird position in the doorframe, it probably looked odd. 'Even though I do not agree with your diet, you have to at least eat something. How long has it been since you've eaten?'

'Not long enough to be in need of any medical or non-medical attention,' he replied, sliding down from the bed to sit in front of me, the food between us. I could see in his eyes that he did not find this silence, this whole situation calm. What was it for him that made this tense?

He looked at me, pleadingly. I shook my head. With a sigh, he grabbed the banana and began to peel it, but before he took a bite, he said: 'You should throw the apple away, it's not fresh anymore and it'll probably taste bad.'

As an act of defiance, I grabbed one piece from the bowl and took a bite. It wasn't that bad. I made a point of looking straight at Ryuzaki while chewing, but he was looking at the carpet, so it kind of lost its effect.

He ate the whole banana and then I handed him the bottle of water. He eyed it, annoyed by the fact that it was just water, but he drank anyway. One two sips, but enough to make me take the bottle back. 'If you're not going to eat, I'm going to force you like this each time. So you better eat.'

A small smile appeared on his mouth, but it did not reach his eyes. 'You say that like you taking care of me would be a bad thing.'

'Well… you consider that a bad thing, don't you?' It was strangely close to a different conversation, one that we actually should be having. But as always, Ryuzaki refused to talk about the unknown.

'I consider few things to be one hundred percent bad. Unlucky or unfortunate, yes, but I don't think I am qualitied to divide good and bad.'

I shook my head with a small smile. 'Such a politically correct answer.'

'Well, what did you want me to say? That I consider you the source of all evil?' It was a slightly un-L-like think to say and he seemed to know it too. But then some of his mask fell and I saw a softer expression, a softer man, shining through. 'I would never think of you as anything remotely close to evil, Allison.'

I got goose bumps when he said my name and I hated it, but I also felt like he just put a spell on me. He had that effect on me. He had to. His words were magic, the way he lived was magic. Even if he wasn't traditionally good-looking, he was magic in a reasonable and incredibly clever package. He was perfect in his own messed up way.

And I loved him for it. But I also, really, really, really, hated him for it. Because he was here, so close and did not make any attempt to talk about the important stuff at all. Though this did feel like progress.

When Ryuzaki suddenly sighed, I looked up at him, curious. He just shook his head, but eventually spoke. 'One of the newcomers has confirmed that she knows most of Beyond Birthday's likely hiding places. This will probably be over soon.'

I did not understand why he would look and sound so sad while saying that. 'You sound like you despise that idea.'

'I do not, in fact,' he answered quickly. 'But when someone solves a case he has to move onto another.' Finally, he looked at me, the deep pool of his eyes was full of questions. 'And I have no idea how to solve the next one.'

Me. He was talking about me. That was how he talked if he couldn't, he talked around it. Talked about it without addressing it. 'So what, you're just going to ignore or drop your next case?' I asked, scared of the answer.

His face slowly turned into a frown and then he shook his head. 'No, no, that's not what I was going to do at all… But I can't predict which solution I'll choose in the end. Sometimes the easiest solution is also the worst one. Do you know what I mean?'

'Yes,' I replied, so quickly. I had enough context to answer that without thinking too much.

His face hardened again, a warning that this conversation is over. 'I will try to stick to my original diet, but feel free to assist me when you think assistance is needed,' he said as he stood. I didn't stand, but I turned a bit so he could step over me, out of the room. He didn't seem to like that idea, but he did, only to stop when I called after him.

'Ryuzaki?'

He turned around and I looked back over my shoulder, still sleepy from the short nap. I waited a few seconds before explaining why I'd said his name. 'Keep me informed. About this case. And about your next one. And what you kind the best solution might be.'

There was a moment in which we silently agreed on something, I wasn't sure what. But whatever it was, it made this situation sure. His knew case, was me. And the solution was either accepting me, or throwing me aside. I did not see any other options at this point.

He nodded, simply couldn't find the words. I nodded back. He left me. I remained there, in the doorframe, staring at the carpet he'd looked at to avoid looking at me. Now I was staring at it, looking at it to avoid looking at the life I would lead if Ryuzaki did choose the easiest option.


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DONE! And not even a cliff hanger, not really, at least. That's new. And it's also a bit longer again, which is always a plus. Sometimes I think my chapters are too short, but then I realise that if they were longer, I would lose another few hours in the day and I simply cannot lose any time right now. Anyway. Thank you for reading and see you (hopefully) soon! And I also want to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday! Thank you for remembering and supporting me, you mean the world to me!


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To all the guest reviews: THANK YOU SO MUCH TO YOU ALL. You're support and love is what keeps me going and is what makes me love what I do.

InsaneUnicornCupcake: HAHAHAHAHA please let me in on the 'normal human lessons', I need it. More because I want to laugh at all of them messing up, but also because I generally could use some good human lessons, I'm not kidding, totally Sirius (I am part of almost every fandom, don't worry, I'll get the reference). And Near in my head is always stuck at being permanently 12 years old, but I don't know if I ever mentioned age in the story. I try not to, because timing in Death Note is always so difficult, but currently, I picture him around 12 years old. HAHAHA and god, you are amazing, I love it. I am already looking forward to reading your next review :) And again, please sign me up for the normal human lessons, I WANT IT.

Andrahz: Thank you! And please, it's just little old me, we're all special snowflakes on the internet, so yes, of course I responded. It's the least I can do for someone who reads and likes my story! And I hope you got some sleep. Sleep is important! (Oh my god, I'm so educational ;D)


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