Author note: In order to keep the plot moving I have chosen to skip ahead in time a bit in this chapter.
In Sydney…
As they sat on the beach, soaking up the breeze and night air, Deeks felt a fleeting moment of peace. It was a welcome change from all of the turmoil he'd been experiencing lately.
Nate was enjoying himself, despite the subject of their earlier conversation, but he knew it was getting late so he asked, "What do you want to do now?"
"I'd like to go to the hospital to check on my stitches and see if it's time to get rid of them." Deeks replied after a moment of thought.
"Fair enough. I'll meet you at the car."
A short while later, they arrived at the reception desk and Nate explained the situation. A nurse led them to an exam room, before leaving, saying a doctor would soon be there.
They sat for a few minutes before a young doctor arrived. "Hello there, I'm Dr. Zac Morrison, please call me Zac." The doctor introduced himself, raising his hand for Deeks and Nate to shake.
"Hello Zac, I'm' Marty Deeks—please call me Deeks—and this is my friend, you can call him Nate." He replied, shaking the offered hand.
"So I heard I'm here to remove some stitches?"
"Yeah, it's a gunshot wound I got a little while back that I'm hoping is ready for the stitches to be gone." Deeks took his shirt off, revealing his torso to the doctor, who immediately gasped at the sight of the scars and wound. He felt a shiver run through his body at the thought of what this man had been through.
"Uhm, we… you need—I mean, just, lie down and let me have a look." The doctor managed to say.
Deeks replied without comment, quietly submitting to the doctor's ministrations.
"All right, I just need to have a nurse get my kit and I'll remove then." He hustled out of the room, returning moments later with a nurse who was holding a bag. The nurse's reaction to Deeks was only slightly more composed than the doctor's had been, but if the doctor had not removed the bag from her hands, she may have dropped it from shock.
"Let's start." The doctor said briskly, all professionalism now, and he took the scissors and started to cut the stitches. Once they were removed, he cleaned the traces of dried blood from the wound before wrapping up and telling the Detective he was all set.
Deeks stood up and grabbed his shirt, pulling it over his head. As he and Nate walked out, he heard the nurse ask the doctor, "What the Hell?" He glanced over his shoulder at them, and saw the doctor shrug his shoulders.
The two men walked out of the hospital and to their car in silence, but as soon as they'd settled, Nate turned to Deeks. "Don't give a damn about what happened back there." Nate told him, watching Deeks closely to see any sort of reaction, but he got none.
"It's okay. It's not a big deal. I've gotten used to the pity in my life; it's just the things that the scars bring to my mind that concerns me." Deeks answered calmly, surprising Nate. He'd been waiting for the Detective to get angry, or feel offended, but for him to accept the pity was terrible. Nate knew it would be some time before he could help him get over the thoughts that were brought to light by the scars, but he needed to let him know that he did not need to accept the pity of other people.
"No, Deeks. That's not okay. You are not weak, and you don't have to accept it. You should have been angry at them, or at least shown that you were offended. You can't just give up like this. We won't be getting anywhere if you keep it all inside. You need to show people that you are strong and that you don't need their pity. You need to face all the fears and conquer them, instead of keeping them inside and gradually getting used to them. That won't help. The pity, the torture, the gunfights, the knives, everything that got you to this place, you need to face it so that you don't freeze when someone pulls a knife on you, or a gun."
Deeks nodded in agreement, but said nothing more.
"Right." Nate started the car. "We will start on that tomorrow, right now we're going home to get some rest and sleep away the rest of the night."
Once home, Nate fell asleep quickly, but Deeks lay awake for a while, pondering what the psychologist had said, before he, too, succumbed to his tiredness.
It was 9a.m. on Friday morning in Sydney, and Nate was sitting on the beach—alone—with a cup of coffee in his hand. He was just looking at the ocean and breathing in the fresh air, thinking about how he could get to Deeks and help him heal, when he remembered that he needed to call Hetty.
Hetty was sitting in her chair going through some files on her desk when the phone rang. When she saw the caller ID, she answered quickly. "Mr. Getz, I've been waiting for your call."
"Hi Hetty."
"Is anything wrong?" She asked a little worriedly.
"Well I don't know what to say to that, honestly. It's complicated."
"Do you want to explain?" She asked in a tone that was not a request.
"Well, I was actually wondering why Deeks came here alone. Didn't you say that Kensi was coming with him?" Nate queried.
Hetty sighed before answering him. "Mr. Deeks said that he needed time alone, and that he especially wanted to speak with you alone, in the hope that that would help him get things straight more quickly." She took a breath before admitting, "So as not to put Deeks in an awkward position, we told everyone that you had asked for him to come alone."
"Okay. I figured it was something like that. After I talked to him last night and he told me everything that's happened to him since the Sidorov case, I wasn't surprised, but I had to ask you just to be sure."
"So you talked with him last night? How did it go?" Hetty asked, concern fueling her curiosity.
"To be honest I was surprised that he actually talked. He talked without hesitation. I thought for sure he would resist at first, that I'd have to earn his trust and coax him into opening up, but I didn't. He told me that he really needed help and that he was willing to do whatever it took to get everything straight in his head.
"But I want to ask you, first, before we continue talking about Deeks, did Kensi meet with Jack?"
"Yes. She met him in a facility for people suffering from PTSD and took him to her apartment with the idea of helping him to get on his feet and be able to depend on himself once more." Hetty replied.
"And how did it work between them?"
"She was helping him out of guilt, but her emotions were already twisted and confusing because of Mr. Deeks being in the hospital, so she ended up sleeping with him." Hetty answered. She had no qualms telling Nate this, she still couldn't believe Kensi had actually done it.
"And now how are things working between them?"
"It was a onetime thing, as Ms. Blye keeps telling us, but she still kept him with her in her apartment to let him adjust to the world. Then, when Deeks resigned from N.C.I.S, she figured out what she had lost and deduced that it had been Jack's coming back into her life that made Deeks leave. So, she kicked Jack out of her life, and I don't think she's seen him again."
"Wow." Nate blew out a breath. "I was really shocked when Deeks told me that Kensi had left him to be with Jack, and I was taken aback when he told me that she'd slept with Jack, but we can't take it back I guess; it's already happened."
"Indeed. Now, getting back to our main topic of interest here, what do you think of Mr. Deeks?"
"Well, you remember when you called me and told me I needed to talk to Deeks, you also told me about his childhood. If I'd heard about it from anyone other than you, I wouldn't have believed it—not in a million years—because when I first met him he seemed completely normal and a happy guy, and it wasn't before long that I knew he was a great man—he could keep up with Kensi after all—and I never thought that he'd have been through a lot in the past."
"And?" Hetty prompted when Nate paused.
"Well, people who go through an abusive family, a lot of them become addicted to drugs while trying to forget the pain, or are mentally ill, or turn to criminal behavior. Some recover and have a normal life, but I never would have thought that anyone would turn into a cop—and a very good one at that."
"And how is he now?"
He took a deep breath. "Well, right now Deeks is kind of lost. He's not sure of anything and he's confused and doesn't know how things are going to end up for him. He thinks everyone is going to fail him again if he trusts them, and he is in a lot of mental pain. Mostly he feels betrayal, but despite all of that he's still concentrating on getting back to normal, and I'm going to help him with it every step of the way."
"And do you think he will be able to do that? Return to normality?" Hetty asked, worried by what Nate's answer might be because it would determine whether Deeks would be able to recover or if he will live as a shell of his former self for the rest of his life. As she waited for the answer, she saw someone approaching her desk.
"He will be able to if he keeps fighting and doing what I tell him to do. If he does that, then I think in time he will be able to come to a certain peace with everything. Whether he takes anyone back into his life or not will be his decision."
"I don't care if he takes any of us back into his life, I just want to make sure he will be able to stand on his own feet again and be able to live his life on his own terms. Do you believe he will get to that point?" Hetty explained.
"I believe so. With his stubborn nature and my help, I think he'll get there."
Hetty sighed in relief. "Thank you, Nate. I don't need to remind you of how important this is to me, so if you need anything, just ask for it."
"I'll keep that in mind." Nate replied before hanging up.
"Ms. Blye," Hetty turned to face the fire that had approached her desk, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Was that Nate?" Kensi asked, intrigued and worried about her partner—though technically he was no longer her partner."
"Yes." Hetty replied simply.
"What's going on with Deeks?"
"There is nothing wrong with Mr. Deeks." Hetty answered again.
"Then what did Nate say about Deeks not wanting to take any of us back?" Kensi demanded, anger rising in her.
"He said nothing, I just asked after Mr. Deeks and whether or not he will be able to stand by himself or not. Mr. Getz said that in time, he believed Mr. Deeks would, but it would ultimately be his own decision as to whether or not he would want us back in his life. I told him that didn't matter to me, I thought it was more important for him to be himself. That's all." Hetty explained to her agent.
"So Nate thinks that Deeks doesn't want us in his life." Kensi said in a sad voice.
"If he didn't, can anyone blame him?" Hetty demanded.
"No, no one could blame him." Kensi responded before walking out of Hetty's office and out of the Mission.
Six weeks later…
Nate was sitting on the beach watching Deeks surf. It was part of his therapy, to do something that made him relaxed and that he enjoyed, and for Deeks it was surfing. It did a lot to change his mood for the better after all of the long sessions he'd had with Nate. Despite sometimes feeling like they'd never end, he recognized that they were beginning to get something good out of Deeks. His nightmares were gone and he was sleeping more and more peacefully and for longer. He'd accepted things, but he still had reservations as to how to deal with them. He just needed more time and with the help Nate was giving him, he knew he'd be able to eventually.
He hadn't been sure that this would help him at first, but now he was thankful that he had come and spoken freely and truthfully to the psychologist, because he was starting to believe in himself again; Nate was really good at his job. He still wasn't over Kensi, and he still had issues trusting people again, but for a start, it was a good one.
In Los Angeles…
The team was getting back to normal—slowly. They met their new agent, Ryan Thomas, who was partnered with Kensi. She put him through Hell because he wasn't Deeks. No one was happy that he was replacing the Detective, but everyone else kept it out of the work place… everyone except for Kensi.
Kensi's life had changed after Deeks' departure. She always stayed late at work and beat the Hell out of the punching bag, then she'd go home and cry herself out watching her shows and eating ice cream and junk food until she fell asleep. In the morning, she'd go for a run, get coffee and donuts, then head to work. She'd hang out with the others, keeping her caffeine consumption as low as possible, and finally head home again at the end of the day.
Eric and Nell continued their relationship; moving in together was a big step in their life—though it wasn't that much different since they'd been staying at each other's houses for a while and couldn't remember the last time they'd slept in their own bed, alone. They shared their news with the others, and everyone was thrilled for them.
Hetty and Eric were the only ones Nate and Deeks talked to, they'd call every two or three days just to check in and see if there was an update from Nate about Deeks.
Callen and Sam were looking after everyone, especially Kensi. After all that she'd gone through they did their best to get her out of her shell, though they didn't have much success. They knew the only one who would be able to, was Deeks… but he wasn't there and it was partially their fault that he wasn't. They both still felt guilty about that.
No matter all of their personal problems, whenever they caught a case they would turn professional and ignore everything else. It was the only way they could function.
A month later in Sydney…
"Well," Nate said smiling, "I guess we're done here. I think you're ready to return to your old life—or, I should say your new life. After all, (though you haven't told anyone) you've resigned from the L.A.P.D, and you're ready to do anything you want. You are one hundred percent physically healed and mentally, there is nothing to worry about." Nate told the Detective. They'd just finished their last session.
"Thank you man. I would've never gotten to this point without your help. It wasn't easy, but I really appreciate it."
"Don't worry about it, it was a pleasure talking to you. And it wasn't all bad; we had a great time together. I'd say it was two friends chatting and helping each other."
"But I didn't do anything to help you." Deeks argued.
"Well, you did teach me how to surf… even if I fall almost every time."
Deeks laughed. "Touché."
"And I wasn't able to help you with what you really wanted… I mean, the thing with you getting over Kensi. I know you wanted to get past her and live your life in peace, and I tried to find you someone to move on with, but you couldn't do it. You weren't interested in any of them, not even Carla… and I don't know why that is."
"Are you kidding me? The women here—they were—." Deeks exclaimed, frustrated, trying to find the right words to describe them when Nate cut him off.
"Those women were awesome, but you were—." It was Nate's turn to be cut off.
"You know I have Nell's number right?" Deeks said, eyeing Nate.
"So?" Nate feigned nonchalance.
"Then you wouldn't mind if I called her to mention this whole exchange to Rose?" Deeks asked, teasing.
"Rose? What do you mean by Rose?" Nate asked too quickly, trying to convince Deeks that there was nothing between them. His face and voice said something else.
"You know, for a psychologist, you are a very terrible liar." Deeks told him, smiling. His smiles had become more frequent lately.
"Yeah… I guess I need to work on that." Nate answered, laughing. Sobering, he asked, "So what are you going to do now?"
"I don't know. For now, I mean, I know what I want but I'll stay away from L.A. for some time, and, if when I go back there I still want the same things, then I'll go for it."
"Kensi." Nate stated.
"Yeah." Deeks admitted.
"So are you staying here? Or is there some other place you want to go?" Nate asked again.
"I think I'll go to Mexico and try surfing there, and that way, whenever I settle, I'll just be one step away from L.A."
"What would you like me to tell Hetty and the others?"
"I don't know… You can tell them that I need some time alone, but you can't tell them that I quit L.A.P.D. or where I'm going—though I know Hetty will tell Eric to track me and she'll find out, but just keep it between us for now." Deeks requested.
"Okay, that's good. You could use some time completely alone, but you know, if I lied to Hetty, she would kill me with that letter opener." Nate warned. Though he was being sarcastic, as he said it he realized it was probably true and he paled. When he looked at Deeks, he knew the detective was thinking the same thing by the look on his face.
"Yeah, I don't want to think about what she could do with that letter opener. Though, she'd kill you, not me." Deeks said, pulling a smile onto his face.
"And why is that?" Nate asked, feeling uncomfortable.
"Because I'm her favorite. You? Mmmm, not so much." Deeks said chuckling.
"Ha, thank you for the clarification, Deeks. It's good to know you have my back." Nate said, joining in on the laughter.
"This is Hetty we're talking about here, she'd kick your ass—and mine too—whether or not I had your back, no questions asked."
"You have a point there. Well, I'll try my best in explaining things to her. So when do you leave?"
"I was thinking maybe tomorrow."
"Do you need money or anything?" Nate asked, wanting to make sure the Detective had everything he would need.
"Don't worry, I've got everything covered, but thank you."
"Well since this is our last night together, do you think we should go celebrating?"
Deeks perked up. "Why not celebrate the end of a bad past?"
"You got that right." Nate said as they both stood up to go.
