Helpless

Disclaimer: I do not own Animorphs.

And that wasn't the worst of it. Worse was knowing that my brother Tom, my true brother, had been trapped inside his own mind, trapped watching as the killers prepared to murder his family. Helpless, watching, unable to open his own mouth to shout a warning.

-Animorphs #31.

I don't think that I ever have been in a worse position in my entire life.

Only…that's not right. It's not really me that this has anything to do with, even though none of it would have happened had I made better life choices.

It's selfish and stupid to be thinking of that right now, to be looking back on all the decisions that I made that led me to this and imaging all of the ways that things could have been different, should have been different.

It's also useless but I can't think of anything that wouldn't be right now.

My father is going to die and it's going to be because of me.

It's the Yeerk's fault, of course, but I was the one who brought him into our lives in the first place. It wasn't intentional – would never have been intentional – but that won't make it any better when I'm standing over his dead body and the Yeerk secretly gloats even as he pretends to mourn. Jake and my mom will have no idea and that will make it safer for them but this whole incident is proving that it will never really be safe for them. Even their lives aren't secure anymore, never mind their minds.

I wish that Jake hadn't asked how long our father expected us to be gone. Somehow, neither the Yeerk nor I had thought to wonder and my father hadn't told us so while the Yeerk was deeply against the trip back then, it wasn't nearly as bad and no one was in any real danger.

I'm not naïve and I know that even if Jake hadn't said anything then sooner or later the Yeerk would have found out. Dad wouldn't have seen any reason not to casually slip the Yeerk's death sentence into a conversation about packing or school or whatever. Still, a little more time without having to watch in paralyzed terror would have been appreciated.

The Yeerk's first plan was simple. Appearances might have dictated that we go to the funeral (the Yeerk was willing to compromise and go at this point as long as he would survive the encounter) but they didn't demand that we stay there all four days. Just two days, possibly flying would still be fine. And if Dad got 'caught up at work' then even that might not have to happen.

Since my real dad would clearly never go for that they tried to infest him. Some sort of miracle in the form of juvenile delinquents – will wonders never cease? They seem like Sharing bait so I hope they stay away – trashed my dad's car as well as every car in the parking lot and so my dad left literally seconds before it would have been too late to let him go.

I don't know why the Yeerk decided that one failed attempt means a drive-by shooting in broad daylight was the next logical solution. I want to be relieved that infestation is not in my father's future but the fact that he clearly won't be having a future is kind of stopping me.

The Yeerk's on the phone with Chapman right now. This is like every scary movie I've ever watched where I wanted to shout out "Look behind you!" or "Don't go in there!" except a million times worse, maybe more, and the people around me are just as unable to hear me as the characters in those films.

"We're about two minutes away from your house," Chapman informed us. "Do you think you can get him outside? I don't want to be parked outside for longer than I need to be. This is risky enough as it is."

"Perfect timing. He's out front alone. Go for it," the Yeerk said approvingly. "I'm going to watch."

He hung up the phone and left the kitchen.

{Going outside might be too obvious and I don't want to give him a reason to come over to me,} the Yeerk mused. {I might have to give a statement, too. No, the living room should be fine.}

Accordingly, he stood there gazing out at my father with the perfect view of his impending death.

{Don't do this,} I begged him. It was futile, I know, but what good is pride in the face of such unimaginable horror? Somehow, despite everything I've seen and everything the Yeerk has done, I had never quite thought that this day would come. {Please. You don't need to…you can find another way…run away or something. Fake my death and go into outer space.}

{It's a little late to call them off,} the Yeerk said distractedly, watching the car come around the corner and slow as it made its way towards our house.

My father was outside merrily watering the grass, completely incognizant of the very real, very growing danger that he was in right now. It was hard to tell because he was standing quite a few feet away from me and his back was turned but I thought he looked peaceful. He would probably never even know until it was too late, never have any idea of the role that I had played in his demise. Never have to face the guilt or never having noticed. I usually tell myself that it's not their fault that they don't know and that it's for the best besides but sometimes, in my less than charitable moods…I'm not feeling any of that right now.

I wondered what it will look like when he's dead. I've never seen anyone shot to death. I've seen people get disintegrated by Dracon Beam but that's really not the same thing at all. I've seen a lot of stabbings and decapitations but no plain old human gunshot deaths. I've seen some on TV, of course, and I'm really not looking to compare them. The TV ones seem quick, though. Quick and painful if it doesn't hit the right spot and kill immediately.

There's no doubt that whoever the gunman is will make sure to fire several rounds to be absolutely sure to kill him.

At least Mom's gone so she's not in any danger during any of this. I can only imagine what the news will do to her, delivered right in the middle of her grief about her grandfather. I can only hope that Jake doesn't see anything and doesn't blame himself for this. That maybe the Yeerk will condescend to pretending to be there for him. He's about to lose his father, after all. So am I but I'm older and I understand in a way that he never could.

There's a movement out of the corner of my eye. The Yeerk automatically darts my eyes in its direction and I see Jake limping towards my father.

This is the part where my heart should stop, where I should be unable to breathe. Well, I can't breathe any more than I normally can but the Yeerk isn't particularly horrified by this new development and so my biological functions remain normal.

{Bad timing,} the Yeerk mused indifferently. My brother is going to die and he can barely bother to remark on it.

I want to hit something. I want to smash through the glass and run out there and take the bullet for them. I want to shout out that it's going to happen, even if there's no way that they can outrun the gun. I want to do something, anything rather than just watching powerlessly.

The Yeerk, the sick bastard, is actually smiling.

Jake says something to our father and then takes the hose. He shoos my father back inside. It's almost like he knows. He can't, of course, but he's doing everything that I wish that I could do. It won't be enough, though.

Maybe if Dad was hurrying but he still is completely unaware that anything is amiss. The car inches closer by the second and Jake is as oblivious as Dad is because he's just watching our father slowly walk back to the house.

The car window is going down and even if Jake's not paying attention he can't be allowed to live because he might see something and he's almost inevitably going to turn towards the sound of gunfire and seal his fate.

This isn't…I can't even…

One was bad enough. One was more than I could handle. But while my father's death would at least serve a purpose, terrible though that purpose was, Jake's death would just be collateral damage. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and he was so very young. Only fourteen and already his life was over. He just didn't know it yet. He might have time to realize it before he dies. I hope he doesn't. It just seems crueler to have that time to contemplate. And, like our father, he won't even know why.

I think they'll probably shoot Dad first since he's their target. Jake will have to watch him die before it's his turn. It wouldn't be any better if Dad had had to watch Jake die.

{NO!}

I'll have to watch them both die.

{DAD!}

It will be a victory for the Yeerk.

How can I possibly face Mom after this?

{JAKE!}

Jake, still watching dad, wasn't paying attention and the hose…

{WATCH OUT!}

The hose jerked.

It hit the side of the car.

The gunman's arm jerked.

The door shut safely behind Dad.

Sure, the gunman could always take another shot but what was the point? While killing Jake could conceivably keep us in town, it wasn't a guarantee and he wasn't the target. They could try again later. They would try again later. There was no way that this lucky streak could continue but I could try to enjoy it while it lasted.

I feel an immense wave of gratitude towards Jake. Jake who had no idea what he was doing or what he had prevented but who had saved our family nonetheless. I'm proud of him.

Since our goals are truly incompatible (always but especially now), I can feel wave after wave of immense fury rolling off of the Yeerk. He didn't care when it looked like Jake would have to die and right now I think that he would sincerely like to see Jake shot to pieces right in front of him.

Jake glanced our way and I really wonder what he's seeing. The Yeerk has my features twisted in hatred. How can Jake possibly understand that? Does he think I'm mad at him? Will he ask the Yeerk about it? What will he say to explain it? Will he even bother?

I'm going to have to face the fact that Jake, though not the target, is in danger, too. And maybe Mom and my grandparents if the Yeerk can't stop the trip in time.

I don't want the Yeerk to succeed in killing or infesting my father. They're both bad situations and I can't say that I would prefer one over the other. But I don't want the Yeerk to fail for so long that he puts everyone else in danger, too.

This is a bad situation. The immediate danger has passed but that's only going to increase the Yeerk's desperation and his ruthlessness.

{That interfering…} the Yeerk muttered darkly. {Again, I'm thwarted. How very…unfortunate. But it doesn't matter. I'm not about to give this up.}

The worst part was that I knew better than to doubt him.

I should have been shuddering.

I wasn't.

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