Usually, I'm fine without beta (and you guys are the kindest and have been pretty forgiving of my typos!), but for this chapter, I could definitely have used someone to read over my stuff. At some point, I felt it was maybe a bit too much and OOC, but I did my best.
Hope you'll like it.
Chapter 54: Kakashi: Falling star (part 2)
As soon as I saw clearly again, reality came smashing back. I pulled him closer, my arms tightening around his torso. It was as if the ground was about to be swept from under my feet. The full reality of what was happening hit me like a thousand poisoned kunai. I took a deep breath but couldn't keep the emotions in.
"Iruka, I never loved anyone like I've loved you," I whispered my arms desperately hanging onto him. I promised I would let him go, but it was so hard to do.
"Trust me Kashi, I know," he said, his chocolate eyes warming even more. "I felt it each time we've been together, every minute. It warmed my whole heart and soothed the pain of seeing all my abilities vanish little by little, even knowing it would lead to this day."
His left hand lingered in the curve of my back while his right still played in my hair.
"I know I already told you," he said, "but sorry for not being able to stay with you longer. You deserve better. You deserve to have a loving someone who would be able to stay at your side until the end of your life. I fear I got in the way of that..."
I saw it in his eyes. The pain was there.
He knew what I was going through and what I would go through once he would be gone.
"Iruka... Don't regret it. It hurts right now... It hurts beyond words, but thank you for letting me into your life anyway. I got so much from you."
"So did I."
He took a breath and relaxed as he leaned on the cave wall. For a moment his soft brown eyes got lost in thoughts.
"My mother once told me that when we love someone we give them part of our heart and they give us part of theirs in return. That's why lovers long to be together to be complete. That's also why it hurts so much when we lose someone dear."
Even lost like this, he was beautiful, both in mind and body. His words were as sweet and loving as his soft caramel skin. Despite the obvious, I wished I would always have his words to soothe and guide me. As if he had been following my thoughts, he looked at me with a sad smile.
"When I'll go, I'll leave to you the memories of all the joy, of all the love we shared, but I'll also tear a part of your heart away... so that I can remember you on the other side."
He pulled my head to his chest, burying his nose in my hair, trying to soothe a pain that was just too big for me to hold. He kissed the top of my head before he continued:
"But when it'll hurts too much, when you'll feel like your heart is going to rip itself to pieces, don't forget that it is because you hold a part of me inside of you. Don't forget that I gave you a part of mine in exchange, so that it could heal," he stopped, swallowing loudly. "Remember, I want you to heal, Kakashi... I want you to love again, to laugh again, to fuck again…"
His arms tightened around me. I felt the emotions rise, almost choking me. To do it with someone else... To give to someone else what I've given him...
"I don't want… I don't need… not if it's not with you…"
But of course he didn't let go; he never did.
"I am serious Kakashi, you have my blessing to do it… No, I am ordering you to do it! Go fuck the pain away. What we shared is unique and magical, but tomorrow, it won't have to be exclusive anymore. Tomorrow, it will be over."
It was the very thing I was trying to forget.
It hurt.
"I am not that desperate you know…" I said trying to dodge the hit.
He straightened his back pushing me up at the same time. He put his hands on my shoulders, controlling the space between us.
"Sorry, I'll be brutally honest. Those are probably not things you'll want to hear, but I want to leave behind no ambiguity. This is the last time I can talk to you like that, so let me say it…"
He rubbed his eyes and scratched the back of his head. He rarely hesitated like that. It wasn't a good sign. I waited for the brick to fall.
"I think you do need an outlet… and that bodily stuff works for you. You could kill, invest yourself in work or something like that, but I'd rather have you seeking someone else's warmth…"
He was right, he knew me too well. His honesty was unsettling, but he didn't have the time to sugarcoat the reality for me anymore.
"Iruka, don't worry about me," trying to sound more secure than I felt. "It will be hard, but, with time, I'll manage," I wasn't just trying to comfort him. It was true. I believed that the pain would one day subside...
He looked down.
"You don't understand. I don't want you to manage. I know how you manage. You manage like crap Kakashi!" he replied, not daring to look into my eyes. "I want you to have your own life; a life without me."
There was frustration but I could also see the pain. His hands were trembling, his shoulders tensed. How hard must it be to say something like that to the one you love? How much strength must it take?
But Iruka was strong, possibly the strongest man I had ever met. Only him could be so determined to make sure his loved one would be alright after his death. He breathed in and calmed down.
"Kashi..." he continued looking at me as he would look at he would one of his students. "Those things, I know they hurt you. I'm telling them to you because I love you, because you are more important to me than anyone or anything else. Consider it as my testament, will you?"
"Yes..." I replied. Phrasing it that way, he knew I couldn't deny him that. I was forced to accept that I could not run away from this. "I am listening."
His fingers trailed in my hair in a soothing gesture.
"First, when I am gone — I am repeating myself again, but I want to be sure this sinks in — I don't want you to wait for death or be faithful to me in any way. I won't be your ghost. I won't haunt you, follow you or protect you from the afterlife. I won't be sad or jealous of what you are doing. I'll just be gone. That's it... I don't know what's after this life. I may get to see my parents again, but there may as well be nothing. In both cases, I won't be waiting for you on the other side. Do you understand?"
I nodded.
"You may want to talk to me at the memorial stone, bounce your ideas off me when you are stuck like you do with your old teammates. That is fine. If it helps you, I am willing to play that role, but I don't want you to wait for us to be united in death or anything like that."
He brushed the hair away from my forehead and kissed me, softly, almost like a child.
"I am serious about this. Not finding love again or not doing things because you still think as if I were alive by your side is a waste. I love you, Kakashi. I know it will be hard on you, but I want you to recover and find happiness again.
The tears fell down from my eyes, but my gaze did not falter.
"The other thing..." he said, his voice faltering a little. "I don't know how to tell you that… Hiroki…" he stayed silent for a while, but when he dropped the name, I understood. I lowered my eyes. I knew where he wanted to go with this. He held my hands in his, caressing the top of my palms with his thumbs.
"Despite how much you loved me — and I have never doubted you did — you two share… something..."
It was just like that evening at the cemetery when he had tried to push me toward her. He had told it to me then and was telling me again tonight: my future was with someone else. I remembered what I had told him back then...
Iruka, it's you that I want!
"But Iruka…"
He stopped me immediately. He remembered it too.
"Don't. I don't want to fight with you about it tonight, but let me just tell you this..." those beautiful eyes were filled not just by emotions, but with an uncanny maturity.
"I have seen things… from you and from her… and you are not stupid, I know you've seen them too. What you do with this is yours to decide, but my opinion hasn't changed. You two bend the same way, you understand each other at a level I am not even sure I can grasp."
He wasn't mad or sad about the fact that he had sensed part of my soul belonged with someone else, but I still felt the guilt... although I didn't grasp the nature of the link that drove me to Hiroki, I knew Iruka understood it better than I ever could. He always was a step ahead of me, especially when it concerned my feelings. The sadness crept back on his face as he thought some more.
"I know you'll resist this. When I'll be gone, I know you'll feel a strong need to run away from her… but try not to. At the very least, make sure she's alright, that she has people around her.
You don't owe me anything, so I am not expecting you to do that for me, but you brought her here, she's your responsibility in a way."
I remembered the promise I had made to Hiroki after I had realized that she had spent hours watching over me in that hospital chair. I had promised to her, although it had only been a silent vow, that I would help her grow strong, strong enough that she would be safe, that she would be able not only to protect herself but also the ones she cared for. How many times had I failed her on that promise already?
"You are right, she's my responsibility."
"I know she is more than that to you," he said, a peaceful smile on his lips.
"Kakashi, remember what you told me on that bench a long time ago? You said: if you don't open up your own heart, others won't open up to you."
I remembered. At that time he still associated the kyūbi container with the loss of all he had.
"I desperately wanted to keep Naruto out, but you had convinced me to let him in and it was the best move I ever made. I was scared, but the richness of what he brought me was beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Keep your heart open… open it to her, will you?"
I couldn't do anything else than listen to him as he gave me his last bits of wisdom, laying down all he knew like a map for me to follow when he'd be gone.
"See, I don't worry about Naruto. I gave him all I could and I know he has become strong enough to move on after my death. He has you, team 7, and most of his cohort now acknowledge him. He is not alone anymore.
"You on the other side… You have been alone or abandoned most of your life Kakashi, too strong for people to realize that you too sometimes need a shoulder to lean on. The adults who were supposed to care for you after your father's death… instead of giving you what you needed, they used you as a tool. I can't be completely mad at them, it was war, but after that, it was too late. When Yondaime died, you were already becoming a legend, a figure that people leaned on for support. Since then, you've become a captain, a teacher, and now a possible future Hokage… Tell me Kakashi, who will be there for you?"
I remained silent. I had friends, people I could entrust my life to, but my soul… it was an entirely different matter.
"See, that's why I worry. That's why I couldn't turn you away although I desperately wanted to do it to avoid the pain I have right now."
Tears gathered in his eyes, making them shine with life.
"All that I have loved about you, I want it to survive my death, I need to know it'll live on. That's all I have. Promise me you'll try."
I took him in my arms, holding him probably too tight as if the strength of my love could be conveyed by the strength of our embrace.
"I'll do more than try," I said, further pressing my head against his.
It was already late in the evening. We had but a few hours ahead of us. We made love again and passed out in each other's arms, unable to escape the unavoidable.
::
I had a friend who passed away, someone very unique, for years she knew her days were counted, but she never lost hope and her bright laughter. The part about our loved ones leaving with a chunk of our heart is something she told me a few days before her death. She was right. Although it still hurts, she is now part of me.
This chapter was for her.
