(Dizzy)
I don't really like Travis. He's fun and all, but, he's not what I want. I just like the company, because I know Cain's been off since waking up. He's distant, and sometimes cold. I haven't been pressing anything, because usually it'll end in tears or something of equal sadness. It hurts, to know we can't talk about anything, and to know that he's changing, but I know it has to. I just wish it didn't hurt so fucking much.
I'll always love him, I think. But there is a point. I mean, I get to leave now. Anytime I want. I can go off and find myself. I can go and follow in mom and dad's footsteps. But, the thing is, I'm not sure who I am. Knowing who mom and dad really are, has kind of bothered me. In the back of my mind, it picks and eats at me. I'm scared, that I can't measure up.
Now I know, why people look at me funny, too. They always use to, as if I was some special messiah. They would say I was a special child. I never understood it, until mom and dad told me what they did. For everyone. For the Capital Wasteland. And for one another. They have such big shoes to fill. When I was younger, my father's shoes could never fit my feet. His boots were so large, and my feet, even now, are too small. There's a lot of room for growth. A lot of room for change. But thing is, there isn't anything else to change. The world is fine, and there's no real threats. So, what can I do? Where do I belong? Maybe those are questions everyone asks, but for me, they mean a bit more. Look at my mom. Look at my dad. Those standards, are pretty high.
After the argument with Cain, we kind of just went different ways. We're leaving for the Wasteland soon, but, I'm not excited. He went back home, and I stayed out here. Just on the outskirts of town. Because really, it's calming, and helps me think. Although my thoughts are racing. And my heart hurts. And sometimes I can't really breathe that well. Mom and dad fell in love effortlessly. They found their place, and they're happy. And I want that, too. It just seems, everything is more difficult for me. Because there's no way to prove I'm as good as them. And people seem to expect me to be some…something like my mom, I guess. They expect me to be a part of a plan, that I don't even know the blueprints for. That I can't even see. Cain doesn't even see eye-to-eye with me anymore. It seems, our adventures made us closer, and then forced us further apart than we ever were before.
Sitting on a boulder, I watch the sky. It's blue, and a twinge of yellow. Mom says it's had the yellow tint since forever, because of all the radiation. She says, even though radiation is scarce around here, there's places that still have an abundance of it, and the sky is forever. I want to see the world. I want to touch the sky. I want to do what mom and dad did, and be close to someone, and never feel scared or alone. But I don't know how.
The Wasteland goes on and on, with mountains and cliffs on the horizon. The Washington Monument stands tall, and beyond that…beyond that is a world full of adventure and things I can't even begin to imagine. But, will I ever get to it? Will I ever be, half of what mom and dad were? And will I ever get to feel even a fraction of the emotions, that my parents still hold for one another? I don't know. I guess I'm still just a dumb kid. Mom and dad are so old and wise. But, I guess, that's because they've got life experience. And that isn't something you can get staying in Megaton your whole life. Megaton, is my Vault 101.
I hear footsteps coming from behind me, and wrap my fingers around my small gun. I'm too close to Megaton for there to be any real threats, but, I still have to be sure. The only time I ever hurt anyone was when Cain was in trouble with those Raiders. Since then, I've gotten a bit more careful with who I let get near me. Seeing that, made me realize sometimes, adventures aren't fun.
"What are you doing?"
It's my dad. I hear his familiar voice, and let my gun go as I turn around to face him. He has the same expressionless look on his face. One that never really seems to change. I shrug, and sigh at him. I know better, than to try and hide things from him or mom anymore.
"Thinking, I guess."
"About what?"
Something's up. Dad isn't one to be open and talk. He's usually one of those 'well if you say you're okay, I'm not going to pry' guys. He leans against the boulder that I'm sitting on, staring off at nothing on the horizon. Folding his arms in front of his leather armor, he waits patiently for my response.
"I don't know. Everything I guess. You and mom. Cain. Where my own life will go."
"I see."
"Yeah, that boring stuff."
"…I don't know, if I want to…I don't know, dad."
"Want to what?"
He looks at me, and his blue eyes, the same ones I have, soften. I rub the back of my neck, too ashamed, and not good enough, to look him in the eye.
"If I can be me, and still fill your shoes."
Dad blinks, and looks away at the world. He says nothing, so I decide to elaborate.
"It just feels like, because of what you and mom did, I have this predetermined fate. Like, I have no choice in the matter. I don't…I can't even get Cain to talk to me anymore. I'm not even sure, of who I am."
"It takes more, than seventeen years, to find yourself and who you are, Dizzy. Some people, go their entire lives, without finding their purpose, or whom it is they're meant to be."
"That's depressing, dad. And you and mom know. You guys know, and did all these things and I can't even…I can't…"
I hang my head low, defeated and tired. It isn't even evening yet, just maybe late afternoon, and already I feel like I spent the day running around.
"It took many years, Dizzy, for your mother and I to figure out who we were, and what we wanted. Everything that happened in between, was simply a learning experience."
"But you changed the Capital Wasteland!"
"It was not our choice, until later. In the beginning, much of our adventures were forced upon us, or stumbled upon."
It doesn't matter. Back then, there were enemies. Something to fight for. Something is better, than the nothing I have. At least, if I had someone like the Brotherhood or Enclave or even Talons, I would have someone to fight. A victory, I could bring home. Something for them to approve.
"Perhaps, if you had a better understanding of everything, it would be easier to understand."
Dad says to me, and I look at him. He has a calm look on his face, and he glances down at me.
"You told me all there is to be told, dad."
"No. Not everything. Your mother and I told you a summary, due to the pressures of time. We failed, to go into detail."
I sigh, and light a cigarette. Pulling my knees to my chin, I let the warm wind flutter my short dark hair around.
"What more things, amazing things, did you and mom do? Because…you know, there's no way I can ever measure up."
Looking up at him, he smiles down at me. Reaching over, dad puts an arm around me, and kisses the top of my head.
"The amazing things you speak of, came with a price. As you grow, and learn, Dizzy, you'll begin to see there is so much you have yet to understand. You're young, very young, and have decades to learn."
"Learn what, though?"
"Learn about everything, and the first thing you should know, is things sometimes do not go according to plan. There are setbacks, and disappointments in life, that will seem impossible. Make you feel, as if you wish to give up and never move on. But, if you can learn from them, you can become stronger, and discover things about yourself you never knew before."
"Is that what your parents told you?"
This time dad sighs. He lights his own cigarette and sits down beside me. We're silent, for a while, watching animals off in the distance do their animal things. There's something in dad's eyes, that wasn't there before.
"You're old enough now, to know the truth. To know, where your bloodline comes from. It will be a good starting point, in finding yourself."
"I want to leave this week. In three days. I want to go now, dad."
He sighs again, and we take drags of our cigarettes. The silence between us is thick. As if dad is holding back something.
"I was never able, to meet my parents. Dezbe and I…were maybe not the best parents, due to our lives and where they brought us. But know, that we tried. Know, that despite what you and Cain do, we will stand beside you two, with love, and pride."
"What do you mean? Cain and mom said you were in a facility. The same place Cain came from. They said you were trained. Didn't your parents know?"
Dad shakes his head, and I take the conversation a bit more seriously.
"I was orphaned, Dizzy. I spent, my entire life, in a facility learning only to obey, and to fight. To be the best mercenary one could ask for. Before I met your mother, I was in all rights and purposes, blinded and bound to a contract. I was the best in the arena. The best my makers could have wanted. It was by the orders of those who trained me to kill, that murdered my parents. With me, at the base of the gun. You are already aware, that I am pre-war. I have been around now over three-hundred years. Saw the after-effects of the war, and spent the rest of my time in Underworld. It no longer exists, but it was where I resided, until Dezbe came."
"…So…you're really, the most deadly thing in the world, aren't you?"
"Yes. I still am. For as long as I exist, I suppose. And yet, I still have not discovered who I truly am. But that is where you come in. And Cain."
"Me and Cain?"
"Yes. By seeing, how you two act, reinforces personality traits I never knew I had. Because I see myself in you, Dizzy. You are a part of me. One, that, until your birth, I never knew existed. So you see, Dizzy, it can take a long time, to fully find yourself. And being so young, you should not worry. I have no doubt you will live as long as I, or longer. There is time now, to take advantage of what you have."
"What do I have?"
"You have parents who are feared and respected throughout the land. Resources and allies, because of that, you have not met. Ones who will help you along the way, in your adventures and endeavors. You have our love, and our hope. And, in the background, you have Cain. And when you leave, he is to take on the roll of protecting you. The roll I had, when I met your mother."
"But you said…it was a contract?"
"Which your mother obtained. And I was to protect her, at all costs. In due time, it became an emotional thing. When I began to learn, to feel, as normal people do. But your mother and I, did not meet and fall in love. It was a time-sensitive thing. Very, time sensitive."
"So…you had to protect mom because a contract told you?"
"Yes."
"…But I thought, that, you and mom met, and it was some romantic love that made you protect her."
Dad exhales plumes of smoke, and I feel like I have tons more respect for him, than I did before.
"It was, eventually. When it became that, your mother was untouchable. There were instances in which we were compromised, but, for the most part, she was protected. And Cain, will take that roll, too."
I look at my dad as I toss my cigarette down. Mom and dad's life seems so much more complicated now. And more in depth than there's time to hear. But I feel really sad for dad. He never, let anything hint, that there was once a time where he was not himself. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I hold back tears. He throws his own cigarette into the dirt, and wraps an arm around me.
"He…we can't even talk now, without it being a fight, dad. How can you be so sure? If I die, Cain dies, so…so how do I know he won't protect me, just to keep himself alive?"
"Because there is more of myself in Cain, than he wants to admit. It will take something, to rouse him and make him see. But I know him more than he thinks I do. He cares. He loves. And he is one of the most dangerous individuals around. He may not have the training I received, but our protective instincts are just the same. Together, you two could be more unstoppable than your mother and I. Because you two, are stronger, than us."
"How, dad?"
"Because you're the product, Dizzy, of both your mother and I. There's more potential and power in you, than you know. And Cain, is simply, brute force."
"So, I'm the beauty and brains, and he's the brute force?"
"Mildly. Although I wondered if your mother was truly wise in her time, or simply insane."
We laugh, and dad hugs me. I know there's a lot more about them now, than I didn't know before. That their story runs a lot deeper. But just the same, it made me feel better. It makes me feel okay, with being simply seventeen and not knowing my ass from my elbow. I know it's hard to imagine my mom an idiot out here, but, she was. And I know this because dad wouldn't have had to protect her if she wasn't.
And maybe, dad's right about Cain, too. As dad and I start to head home for some food, I think it over. It took something dire, like Cain getting injured, for me to realize how deeply I felt for him. Although Cain has already see me hurt, maybe it isn't enough. He's better with controlling his emotions. Dad says, while we walk, that he denied any feelings for mom in the beginning, too. That it took a lot for him to come to terms with it all, and in the same sense, so isn't Cain. Dad says, he doesn't know how to deal with them, because he thinks they're wrong. Dad, at one point, he tells me, believed all emotions to be wrong and unjust. And that was his struggle. Cain's struggle, is that we're raised as siblings. But…dad says, if we met by chance in the Capital Wasteland, there'd be no moral holding him back.
I think dad, although he doesn't want to admit it, has this outlook. Like there is one person for one person. A soul-mate. And when they meet, it's only a matter of time, before they fall in love forever. Because the way he talks, knowing how deeply Cain is bound to me, makes it seem that way. And I think dad's right. He says I'm able to look past moral and standards, and see Cain not as my brother anymore, but as a man. Because, we're not related. He has dad's DNA, but, is that a relation? And, does it matter? Because Cain was raised to see me as his sister, he's battling his sibling emotions with his 'man emotions' towards me. He still sees me as his sister, and dad says, when he can see me as a woman, it'll all change. And according to dad, there's no better man, than one he's raised and watched his entire life. One, that dad knows, and trusts. One built, to model after dad's very being and existence. And when dad's done talking, I can't tell you, how much better I feel about everything that's happened lately. As if this giant weight has been lifted and sent flying away. Or instead, as if, dad took the weight away, and carries it on his own back.
"You know, dad, I want to tell you something."
I say, as we near our home. The sun is just now beginning to set, and really, Megaton never looked so beautiful before.
"What is that?"
"I love you. And, you're the best dad in the world. Because I don't know, any other parent, who would stand by my side, by Cain's side, after everything that happened. Anyone else…any other parent out here, would have left."
From nowhere, I feel my dad's overly strong and powerful arms wrap around me in a childlike hug. The kinds, a proud parent, gives to kids, when they shoot guns in the house, and know they did something wrong.
"Because, you are my daughter, and we are closer than words can say, Dizzy."
I press my face into his leather armor. It smells just like it did years and years ago, when he'd carry me in his arms, or on his shoulders. No one in the world could hurt me then, and no one in the world can hurt me now.
"You'll always be there, right dad? Even if I can't, be anything like you and mom?"
He hugs me tighter, and I feel my feet lift off the ground. He holds me in front of him, effortlessly, by the waist, so that I can see him at eye level.
"I am with you, forever. When you are hurting, when you are happy, when I am gone. And I will be there, when your journey into the Wasteland begins, giving you the courage you need, and the wisdom, that you have yet to obtain."
He sets me on the ground, and smiles at me, messing up my hair.
"You will understand it all, one day, Dizzy."
"When you are gone, dad, you'll still be with me. I don't think, when people die, they leave their loved ones behind. I think, even now, your parents are with you, and mom's parents are with her. Because it's an endless job. You know, to be a parent."
"And sometimes I think that you have more wisdom than I."
My dad is one in a whole billion. There may be so much I don't know, and a lot I have to learn, but I'm sure that there's only one dad like him. And I'm even more sure, that my dad, is the best. When we get home, mom's sitting at the kitchen table. She's drinking a beer, and offers one to dad. Cain is in the living room, and there's Iguana Bits ready for the taking. I know I'm leaving soon, but when I come home to this, it makes me not want to. But looking at Cain, as he tinkers with his gun, I know I have to leave. Because it'll be the only way, to make him see, we're meant to be. And when that happens, there better be happy ending music.
