A Marauder's Guide to Falling Apart
PART THREE
Written by alliegrl
Chapter Thirteen
It was the first order meeting that she had attended since before Christmas. Lily had practically begged her to go and to 'stop avoiding' everyone. Marlene hadn't consciously chosen to distance herself from the rest of the group but when Lily showed up at her flat two months later she realized exactly how long she had been away.
"You're not answering my owls," Lily looked irritated. "I've been trying to get in touch with you for weeks. And you know that I can't get in to see you at the hospital with all the security restrictions going on. If I weren't pregnant I probably would have had James blast me with a couple of stun spells so that I could get admitted and talk to you."
"I've been pretty busy," Marlene felt guilty. It wasn't a complete lie. She had been busy with the program, but she also knew that she could have put more effort into replying to Lily's messages. In truth, she really just didn't feel like socializing or being reminded of how badly her relationship with Sirius was failing.
"That's a poor excuse and you know it," Lily called her out. "There's an Order meeting tonight and I want you to come with me."
"I don't know if that's a good idea," Marlene said slowly. She had forgotten about her conversation with Dumbledore at the previous meeting in which she had promised to try harder with persuading her Uncle Tom. Sirius's disappearance had pushed that to the far corners of her mind, and she hadn't even bothered to give it further thought.
It wasn't as if she didn't want to help the Order, because she did. But she couldn't help the inner voice that told her she wasn't good enough. Every time she had tried to help she had only been a hindrance. It wasn't easy to forget the way that her friends had treated her during the fights she had been a part of; first in Hogsmeade, and then again in Northern Watford. She just wasn't cut out to be a part of it all.
"You don't have to fight you know," Lily said as if reading her mind. "You know that it's just as important to do the behind the scenes work that Albus has asked of you."
"I don't know how," Marlene admitted. "He's been pretty firm and I don't know how to get him to change his mind without tearing apart the only family I have left."
However, that didn't seem to sit well with Lily.
"We're your family too," she said pointedly.
"I didn't mean it like that," Marlene sighed. "Look Lily, I don't want to fight with you. That's all I ever seem to be doing anymore. I can't handle one more person looking down on me with disappointment."
"I don't want to fight with you," Lily looked at her sadly. "I know Sirius doesn't want to fight with you either."
"Has he said something?" Marlene scowled. Of course Lily probably saw him more than she did these days. A feeling of bitterness filled within her.
"No," she replied. "I can just see it. Or at least, I did. I haven't seen you in almost two months so I have no idea what's going on. But by the way you never seem to be around I figure that you probably haven't seen him in a while either."
"I haven't," Marlene felt the surge of tears begin to collect in the corners of her eyes. She refused to let them fall though; she had shed far too many tears lately, and she wasn't prepared to do it with Lily watching.
"He'll be there tonight," Lily smiled hesitantly. "I know he'd be happy to see you come."
"So you've moved from trying to guilt me to bribery?" Marlene cracked a small smile. She would be lying if she didn't perk up to the idea of finally getting to see him. She had last seen him three weeks ago and they had only spoken twice through the enchanted mirror since then.
"Whatever I have to do, Mar," Lily returned her smile. "Will you come then?"
Marlene noted that Lily was watching her expectantly and likely wouldn't take no for an answer. She exhaled deeply. She wasn't entirely certain what she would say to Dumbledore when she saw him that evening but she pushed that thought away to contemplate later.
"Okay, but I'm bringing Emmeline."
"So you know how you've been wondering what my friends have been up to all this time that puts them in so much danger?" Marlene was leaning against the counter watching Emmeline attempt to bake. She wrinkled her nose in disgust as Emmeline pulled a tray from the oven and observed the black, scorched remnants of what had intended to be cookies. She had insisted she wanted to do it the muggle way.
"Oooh are you finally going to tell me?" her eyes lit up and she dropped the pan onto the stove top. The cookies were so far gone that they stuck to the pan and didn't even budge with the movement of being tossed downwards.
"I trust you," Marlene said truthfully. "And the rest of them do too. I had to get permission to let you join our club."
Marlene cracked a smile at Emmeline who only leaned in further, eyes bulging with curiosity.
"A secret club of sorts?" she speculated. "I've never been invited into a secret club before. I always wanted to, you know? But the Slug club just wasn't ready for someone like me."
Marlene let out a small laugh. She had never been invited into Professor Slughorn's club either. Lily had been a member though, and from what she had spoken of it, Marlene surmised that she hadn't really missed out.
She filled Emmeline in on the small details at first; telling her about the war against Voldemort, and how a group of them had banded together to oppose him. And then slowly the rest of the story began to unravel even though she hadn't intended it to.
Marlene told her all about Hogsmeade and the Order meeting that was supposed to have taken place that day. She told her all about Sirius and the other meaningful tasks that her friends had been busy with over the last many months. She even revealed what had transpired that night in Northern Watford when Emmeline had helped clean up some of her wounds with no questions asked.
Emmeline listened patiently and uncharacteristically void of expression or humor, and Marlene could tell she was taking everything in with sincere contemplation. It was strange to see Emmeline looking so serious. It was almost unnerving.
"So you want me to join you?" Emmeline finally asked after Marlene had run out of things to say.
"Honestly, I don't really know what I'm asking you," Marlene shrugged. She had even admitted her own reservations about joining the battle. "I'm just offering you information. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with it. There's a meeting tonight. You're welcome to come with me if you'd like to check it out."
"It's about time you finally told me everything," she mused. "You know, I figured out long ago what you lot were doing. I mean, save for the fine-tuned details. But nobody waltzes home looking like you do, or has a boyfriend who likes to hunt Death Eaters without having some serious involvement in all the shady stuff going on."
"I figured you'd probably catch on to something sooner or later," Marlene sighed. She was thankful that Mad-Eye Moody had been receptive to Emmeline's involvement, because it was apparent now that she had not been oblivious to their illicit activities.
Lily was the secret keeper for the current Order meeting. She had told Marlene earlier in the day that they were holding it at Remus's, and so Marlene dragged Emmeline along at seven o'clock to where Lily told her the location would be.
It was an old, worn down building on the edge of a dark and sketchy looking street in a rougher area of London. The street lights were burnt out on the block and Marlene wondered briefly if they had been darkened on purpose, or if they were always like that.
"Hey Marlene!" Remus opened the door to his apartment and moved to the side to allow them in. She hadn't been to Remus's place before but it was his turn to host the Order meeting.
"Hi Remus," she could hear the nervousness in her voice. He appeared to notice it too because he gave her a curious look before speaking again.
"Everything okay?"
"I don't know," she bit nervously on her lip. "I mean, yes. Yeah everything is okay."
He nodded but the look on his face told Marlene that the conversation was not over. And that was what she liked about Remus; he was a very good friend that cared deeply about the well-being of those he loved. She couldn't help but notice how tired he looked, almost though he had aged considerably in the many weeks since she had last seen him.
And then she felt the wave of guilt again. She hadn't only been distancing herself from Lily, she had been distancing herself from everyone. Her friends cared about her and she had been too absorbed in her own misery to really think about anyone else.
Emmeline wasted no time making herself at home and grabbing Mad Eye Moody by the arm and engaging him in another lively conversation about his eye. He cast Marlene an unreadable expression and she wasn't certain whether he was regretful for suggesting to bring Emmeline around or not. But by the way he continued entertaining Emmeline's absurd questioning about whether or not he could see ghosts with it, Marlene assumed that he was amused with her company. Not many people could stomach Emmeline in large doses.
"Hi stranger," Sirius leaned over the chair that she had settled herself in and whispered into her ear. A shiver ran down her spine like a crack of lightning. Even despite the issues they had been having, hearing his voice and seeing his smile never seemed to stop giving her permanent butterflies.
She tilted her head back to look up at him and he was grinning. He looked less tired than he had previously, and the smile that stretched across his face reminded her of the Hogwarts version of Sirius Black: the Black that was carefree and up to mischief in the halls at Hogwarts, the war merely in the back of him mind.
"Do I know you?" she grinned back at him. "You look strangely like my boyfriend."
"Ouch," he moved around the back of the chair so that he was in front of her. He reached out his hand which she grasped hold of and he pulled her uprights into his arms. His arms enclosed around her, pulling her into an affectionate squeeze and she breathed him in, allowing the moment to wash away any other worry that had preoccupied her mind previously.
"I missed you," she whispered into his chest and she could feel his body laughing silently.
"I've missed you too," he said back softly, squeezing his arms tighter around her. "I didn't believe Lily when she told me that you were coming tonight."
"I wasn't going to, but this guy I sort of like was supposed to be here." Marlene pulled back from him to look up into his eyes. He was still smiling as he brought his hands up to either side of her face. Then he leaned down to plant a soft kiss on her forehead, his light stubble like sandpaper rubbing against her skin. She shivered again.
She knew that it was too good to last. It wasn't long before he got whisked away by Dedalus Diggle. He was a newer member and didn't stop to talk to Marlene for long, but she surmised that his eccentric personality was very similar to Emmeline's. In fact, they got a long quite well during the evening and his violet top hat did not go unadmired by Emmeline who requested to wear it on more than one occasion.
Marlene met another new member; Edgar Bones. He was a nice man, but didn't seem too interested in holding conversation.
Albus didn't arrive until minutes before Moody called the meeting to order. He offered Marlene a merry smile as he took the seat next to her, and something about the twinkle in his eye told Marlene that he had something to discuss with her.
"As we all know, the Ministry has been infiltrated," Moody said gruffly, and her attention was taken abruptly off the headmaster. Marlene felt her eyes widen; this was news to her. Of course, that likely had to do with the fact that she hadn't been present in a while. She leaned forward in her chair, drawing in a sharp breath.
"How is the Auror department looking?" Benjy Fenwick asked him.
"So far we seem to be clean," Moody's glass eye roamed the room. "But I'm afraid I suspect that the Wizengamot has been compromised."
The Wizengamot served as the wizarding high court of law. They were a very powerful council responsible for the interrogations and persecutions of witches and wizards conducting unlawful activities. Marlene instantly understood why a compromise in their department could be considered threatening; they had the power to send people to Azkaban, or even worse, let someone dangerous go free.
"Surely not Barty Crouch?" Edgar Bones sounded horrified.
"No I don't think Crouch has turned himself over to the influence. But that man has given us authority to kill rather than apprehend. I fear he's gone a bit mad with the need to keep up the appearance that Voldemort isn't a threat to us." Moody continued.
The conversation went on for another hour; members within the room spoke of their interactions with others, and a heavier emphasis was placed on Ministry officials that were suspected of dark allegiances.
"I don't know much about Antonovich yet," Moody finally rounded on Marlene who had perked up at the mention of Tom's surname. "Do you have any insight for us McKinnon?"
Marlene swallowed but her throat was dry. The occupants of the room were looking at her expectantly and suddenly she felt very small under the scrutiny of their gazes.
"No," she said slowly. Though she knew that it was unfair to feel annoyed with Lily, she couldn't help but feel her friend could have better prepared her for the meeting. She didn't know that the Ministry had been infiltrated and that she would be asked about the activity going on in the Department of Mysteries. If she hadn't already felt incompetent and inferior, she definitely did now.
"Alright then," he sounded annoyed but redirected his attention elsewhere and the conversation continued on without her.
The meeting soon dispersed but some members hung around to talk amongst one another. Dumbledore hadn't moved from his chair but merely swiveled in his seat to address her.
"Marlene, might I have a word?"
"Yes of course Professor – I mean, Albus." She would never quite get used to addressing him by his first name.
"I'm afraid it's a rather private matter," he lowered his voice and this surprised Marlene. They were at an Order meeting where she believed all members to be highly trustworthy, and she questioned why Dumbledore would feel disinclined for others to overhear. He motioned for her to follow him towards an empty bedroom, and when the door closed he sealed the room with a silencing charm.
She had never been privy to such secrecy before. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't nervous; the palms of her hands were beginning to feel warm and clammy.
"I do not mean to put pressure on you Marlene," he said simply after observing her very obvious tension. "I am afraid that there is a bit more urgency on Tom's cooperation with the Order. I am going to tell you something that it is of highest importance and confidentiality. Are you willing to hear me out and keep this discussion to yourself?"
She didn't feel like she had much choice. Dumbledore was not one to ask favors or offer such information, especially not to her. She nodded her head with agreement.
"Recently I was privileged enough to bear witness to a very important prophecy. Do you know much about prophecies, Marlene?"
"Er, no," Marlene admitted truthfully. Divination hadn't been a subject taught at Hogwarts in many years and she had never taken interest to learn more about the art.
"True seers are very rare, you see. Once prophecies are made nobody really knows what happens to the information," he continued.
"What do you mean 'what happens to the information'? Didn't you hear it yourself?" she was confused.
"Ah yes," he smiled. "I did. However, I have heard rumors that copies of each prophecy are stored somewhere. However, the Ministry has long denied that such thing exists. Do you have any thoughts on where one might store such information?"
She didn't. She felt utterly baffled with why Dumbledore thought she had any merit to the conversation. Surely, he would be better off asking –
"The Department of Mysteries," she exclaimed suddenly.
"Yes, yes," his smiled widened. "I thought so too. It's a very curious topic that I have never been quite able to get a solid answer on myself. I dare say that I've never cared all that much to question it until now. Unfortunately, with the Ministry denying such thing exists, and without any inside insight, I'm afraid I can only operate on my suspicions and nothing more."
"I know that you want me to get Tom to help us," she cut him off. "But I just don't know how. He's very resistant to joining."
"I can understand his reservations and I appreciate that you've entertained this task as long as you have. I am going to share why this prophecy is important, Marlene. And I hate to ask such a big favor of you, but it is imperative that you do not speak to anyone of this. Do you agree?"
"Yes," she exhaled loudly.
"It concerns Voldemort and his downfall. I do not know precisely all the components to the prophecy as of yet, but I fear that should the information fall into the wrong hands, that dire consequences will result. Voldemort must never know about this prophecy."
"Are you going to tell me what it is?" she wondered aloud, though she doubted she would get the answer she was hoping for.
"I'm afraid I've said more than I would like as it is," he smiled sadly. "I do trust you Marlene, but I would like to keep as much of this quiet as possible. The less specifics you know, the better for the time being. But I do need to gather more information about prophecies in general to gain better perspective of how to keep this safe from Voldemort. And this is why it is of substantial importance I seek your help."
"I will try again Prof – Albus," Marlene took a deep breath in and closed her eyes. This was a lot of information to process and if she hadn't already been feeling the stress before, she most certainly was now.
"I know that I am asking a lot of you Marlene," he continued speaking. "But you must not speak of this to anyone. Not even Sirius, I am afraid."
So much for no more secrets.
"I understand," Marlene nodded her head. She didn't want to keep anything from him, but she imagined that there were still things he was hiding from her. This was a large burden that Dumbledore was placing on her shoulders, and her head hurt thinking about how she was ever going to pull it off.
Their conversation was done and they exited the bedroom. There were still many Order members mingling around and it appeared that no one had noticed them go missing. Dumbledore excused himself to speak with Professor McGonagall who had arrived since they had stepped away.
Her other friends were busy elsewhere and Marlene slumped into one of the uncomfortable kitchen chairs to wait on Emmeline. She was observing her friend, who was once again enraptured with Dedalus Diggle's violet hat, when Remus approached her with a cup of tea.
"So what's wrong," he sounded concerned. "And don't tell me that it's nothing Marlene McKinnon, because I know very well when you are lying to me."
She smiled feebly at him. Remembering her promise to Dumbledore, she wasn't able to tell him what was currently plaguing her mind.
"You're a good friend Remus," she took a sip of the drink. The heat scalded the tip of her tongue and she pulled it away from her lips quickly. She sat it back on the table slowly to wait for it to cool, but her fingers grasped the spoon and swirled it aimlessly around in the liquid, lost in her thoughts.
"Sirius again?" Remus lowered his voice. There wasn't anyone close enough to hear their conversation anyways, but she was appreciative of his consideration to keep things private.
"Yes and no," she sighed, deciding that it was alright for her to talk about two of the three things on her mind. "It feels weird talking to you about this."
"And it didn't any other time we've talked about him in the past?" Remus laughed. Marlene recalled her conversations at Hogwarts over her conflictions regarding Sirius. And then she remembered Sirius's words to her about how he had tried prying Remus for information about their conversations and he hadn't budged. Remus was trustworthy. She knew that deep down.
"It's not just Sirius," she continued stirring her tea, eyes cast downwards to watch the honey colored water swirl around in the cup. "I'm afraid that I'm lost."
"How so?"
"I'm just not sure what I'm doing with my life. I'm failing in the program and I have no idea what my place is in the Order anymore. You are all making important contributions and I am hiding away at St. Mungo's and I'm not succeeding at that either."
"It can't be that bad."
"But it is," she groaned. Her entire first term had been a disaster, and the second term had slightly improved but the tension of being surrounded by Patrick all of time and Sirius's jealousy didn't make going into work very enjoyable. Her heart just wasn't in it. She admitted all of this to Remus who listened patiently to every word and never interrupting until she had run out of things to say.
"But do you like him?"
"Who? Patrick?" Marlene finally glanced upwards from the tea cup.
"Yes."
"No, of course not," Marlene felt horrified at the thought. Patrick was nice and had been a good friend to her during her time at St. Mungos, but she loved Sirius.
"I imagine it can't be easy. Sirius doesn't understand that you aren't willingly choosing to surround yourself with him day after day. He's been acting off lately, and I feel like his head is just in a place where he's not thinking rationally."
"What do you mean?" Marlene felt her brows furrow together. "It's not just me then?"
"No," Remus shook his head. He reached forward to grab his own cup and took a sip of tea. "He's been acting strangely the last little while. At first I thought that maybe it had to do with the tension between the two of you, but he's been on edge with all of us and I don't think it has anything to do with Patrick."
"So he's just taking out his frustration on me and blaming it on Patrick?" Marlene felt annoyed.
"I can't speak to what is going on in his head," Remus sighed. He looked sad. "He loves you though. He wants to make a difference in the world and I think that he's been a bit blinded by that and has forgotten the other important things around him in the process."
"Do you know why James and Sirius hate him so much?" Marlene asked unexpectedly. For so long she had been concentrated on the fact that the boys despised one another, and how to keep the peace that she had failed to ever get a straight answer out of Sirius. Nowadays she passed off his frustration from jealously, but deep down she knew that there was more to it than that.
"I think that's probably a question for them to answer," Remus took another sip of his tea.
"Because that will be a fun conversation," Marlene muttered. The word Patrick alone threatened to cause a fight. Maybe she would have better luck with James though, and she scanned the room to find him. Her eyes caught him engaged in a conversation with Sirius at the far side of the living room and she scowled. She wouldn't be able to ask James without confronting Sirius too.
She was seriously contemplating whether or not the answer to her question was worth the risk when Emmeline bounded over to her wearing the ridiculous purple hat. She twirled around to show it off.
"What do you think?" she was enthralled and energetic, and it made Marlene feel nauseous.
"It looks great Emmeline," Remus smiled and Emmeline looked at him, beaming.
Marlene's focus on the boys had been disrupted only momentarily but when she removed her gaze from Emmeline the boys had disappeared.
So much for getting that answer now.
A/N: Thanks for all the new favs/follows!
Roby Mats, saky29, elyjayne, MeltedWinter
