A/N: Shit gets real when you bring a new baby home...
3 Days Old…
He's on the bed when Olivia comes to stand in the bathroom doorway, topless, holding warm washcloths against both of her breasts.
"I need help," she says pitifully, looking embarrassed and closing her eyes.
Fitz closes his laptop, sliding off the bed. "Are you okay?"
She leads him into their bathroom, stopping in front of the sink. "I need to hand-express some of this milk, but I can't do it. They're too tender, I need you to do it."
"You don't want to pump?"
She grimaces and shudders. "That would be agonizing."
"Okay," he agrees softly, rubbing his hands over her shoulders, "Same thing happened with Micah, didn't it?"
"Mmm-hmm," she nods, leaning back against him, still holding the compresses to her breasts, "I just need a little relief for like, the next hour, and then I'll feed her again. I'm happy that I can make so much, but we have to equilibrate. Are you sure this doesn't gross you out? I know you did it last time, but…"
"Of course it doesn't," he scoffs, still massaging her bare shoulders, "I mean, I don't like hurting you. And seeing your boobs the first time you were breastfeeding was a little eye-opening, but—"
Liv giggles softly, remembering him staring at her in shock at random moments.
"—I'll help you any way you need me to."
"This kind of gory experience just makes me nervous. We don't have that many boundaries left in our relationship, I just need to know if I'm missing where we need to draw the line—"
He laughs at how serious she's being, leaning down to kiss her shoulder.
"—I'm serious!" she says, eyes widening, "We should have a line, somewhere, shouldn't we?! So that you still want to have sex with me after all of this?"
"I am always going to want to have sex with you," he insists, leveling his gaze with hers in the mirror.
She sighs, trying to ignore the unbearable fullness in her breasts. "Every time I think we've found the line, I'm wrong. It wasn't period sex, it wasn't holding my hair back while I threw up for three months, it wasn't sending you out to buy Preparation H—"
"—period sex is great. I mean, it's pretty much shower sex, by default, and I think a lot of guys don't realize how sensitive women can be while they're—"
"Where's the line, Fitz? Where is it?" she argues, starting to sound a little bit annoyed.
He realizes the best thing to do might be to indulge her, so he thinks for a moment, making a show of tipping his head back and humming in thought.
"Okay. I have no problem buying the tampons, but if you asked me to actually—"
"Ahh!" she laughs, shaking her head back and forth, "Don't even say that! Seriously? The line is that far back?"
Laughing with her, he shrugs and kisses her shoulder again. "Liv, you're not some untouchable fantasy woman for me, and I don't want you to be. I'm under no delusions that you're not a real person, with a real body, and I love every single part of this body. You carried both of our babies in this body, which is incredible, and it was hard work, and I'd be less of a man if I couldn't handle everything that comes along with that. Any 'line' that we have is only going to be there because you draw it, because you want to keep something private, or it makes you more comfortable. And I'm fine with that, because I respect you, you know that. But don't ever feel like you can't be real around me, okay? I can handle it."
She nods, smiling tearfully at him in the mirror. Sighing, she removes the washcloths, grimacing as she leans over the sink.
"Are you going to collect it in that?"
"May as well," she says, reaching for the plastic container she'd grabbed from the kitchen, "We won't express very much, and she won't get a bottle for at least a month, hopefully. But, we can still freeze it for later."
He rubs his hands together to warm them, not wanting to undo the work she's just done with the warm compress. Without hesitation, he reaches around her and gently puts one hand on her left breast. It's very firm, and he can't imagine what her chest must feel like right now.
"'Kay," he mumbles, looking over her shoulder to get his fingers in the right spot, "Ready?"
She nods, hissing as he starts to express milk, her hand squeezing the edge of the sink.
"Sorry," he says, nuzzling her shoulder.
"Don't be sorry," she grits out, "You're helping so much. I can't bring myself to do this when they're this sore, it's faster if you do it. But it's probably not the kind of pain you're thinking of. It's like massaging a muscle spasm."
They're quiet, working to make her more comfortable for a few minutes. When she's satisfied with the relief, she straightens up, stretching her neck.
"Oh my god, thank you," she breathes gratefully, resting her forehead against his chest for a moment.
He chuckles, rubbing her back. "Any time, Livvie."
5 Days Old…
Fitz opens the front door with a smile, and Sandra immediately envelops him in a hug.
"Oh, congratulations," she says excitedly, squeezing him tight.
He chuckles, hugging her back. "Thank you, great to see you guys."
"Can I come in please?" Eli teases, trying to squeeze in past her and out of the cold.
"Well, yes, dear, of course," she clucks, letting Fitz go and stepping out of the way, brushing snow off of her coat.
"Come on in," Fitz grins, shaking Eli's hand, letting the two of them take off their coats and boots, "It's not too bad out there, is it?"
Eli shakes his head, hanging up Sandra's coat for her. "Not really, it's slowing down a lot now."
The three of them move out of the foyer and into the living room, where Micah's sitting on the floor watching a movie.
Olivia smiles from her spot on the couch when they come in, sitting up a little bit. "Hey, guys."
"Honey, don't you dare get up," Sandra reprimands immediately, "You just had a baby, lie back down."
"Mimi!"
"Hello, my dear," Sandra laughs, kneeling down to hug him when he runs over, "Look at your little red nose, were you outside?"
"Yeah!" he tells her excitedly, "Me and Daddy went in the snow!"
"You did?! Oh, that sounds like fun, did you make a snowman?"
"We tried," Fitz laughs, settling onto the far end of their large sectional.
Eli makes his way over to the couch while they talk, eyes drawn to the newborn snuggled on his daughter's chest.
"Here she is, Poppy," Liv says softly, folding down the soft, warm blanket covering Ruby so that he can see her better.
She's dressed in a fuzzy lavender sleeper, snoozing peacefully.
"She's beautiful," he murmurs, kneeling next to the couch, turning his head to study her face for a moment, "How about you? Are you feeling alright?"
"I feel great," she smiles, picking up one of Ruby's tiny hands, "Tired, but, wonderful."
"Poppy, did you see my sister?" Micah asks, trotting over to them.
"I see her," Eli confirms, holding his arm out so that Micah can come in close too.
"Yeah, thass my sister," he says proudly, reaching out to gently pat her head, "She's a baby."
"And are you helping Mommy, and being a good big brother?"
"Umm, yes, I can get the wipes."
"Yup, he brought me some wipes yesterday," Liv nods, gently patting Ruby's back when she shifts and sighs in her sleep, "And—"
"—and I got a blanket."
"That's right, he always makes sure we have plenty of blankets."
"Well, that's very good," Eli smiles, glancing over at Sandra as she sits down on the other side of the couch.
"Hey, Micah," Liv says quietly, "Do you think Ruby wants Poppy to hold her?"
"Yeah!"
Eli immediately looks apprehensive. "Oh, I don't know about that, the last time I held a baby was probably…you."
"Poppy, you gotta hold her. Ruby wants it," Micah argues, suddenly advocating for his little sister.
"Yeah, c'mon, Poppy," Liv smiles, carefully holding Ruby against her chest as she sits up, wrapping the blanket loosely around her, "She likes you already, I can tell. Micah, show Poppy how you hold a baby."
"Okay, Poppy, watch," Micah says, crawling up onto the couch, eager to demonstrate, "You gotta sit on your bottom, and then, umm, you hold your arms like this."
Eli copies his grandson, letting him lead the way.
"Good job," Liv murmurs, placing Ruby in Micah's arms for a moment, "And you have to support her head, right?"
"Yup. You can do it, Poppy."
"Your turn, Dad," Liv says, not really giving him much of a choice.
"Alright, well, I suppose if Micah can do it…"
But she's already standing up, lowering the baby into his arms.
"Just keep her covered up," she says softly, pulling her hands away after Ruby's settled, tucking the blanket around her, "We thought these pj's would be warm enough, but we've discovered this little ladybug hates being anything less than toasty."
Sandra scoots in close, peering down at the baby. "Oh, look at this precious girl. She's adorable."
Ruby sighs in her sleep, smacking her lips, and Olivia watches her father visibly melt, eyes glued to his granddaughter's little face.
"Hello, little one," he coos quietly, "I'm your Poppy."
10 Days Old…
Soft whimpers start to rouse her from sleep.
By the time she's awake enough to sit up, Ruby is crying pitifully, squawking and taking big, deep breaths.
"Oh…oh, shh," Olivia soothes, lifting the tiny baby from the co-sleeper attached to their bed, "Come here, my love, I'm right here. I know, shh…"
She cradles her little one to her breast, watching as she quiets and latches easily, suckling instinctively. The familiar feelings of warmth and protectiveness wash over her, and she closes her eyes for a few moments, concentrating on the way her last baby feels in her arms, soaking it in.
Fitz's bladder wakes him up around two-thirty am.
When he rolls over, he's greeted by the sight of his wife trying to soothe their newborn, shushing her softly, gently rubbing her back.
Ruby's not really crying, just fussing quietly, little whimpers of 'ehn…ehn…ehn…'.
"Hey," he murmurs, sitting up in the dark, "How's my sweet pea?"
"Ooh, you have perfect timing. I think she wants you, Daddy," Liv smiles, blinking sleepily.
He chuckles, moving to get out of bed. "I'll take her. Let me pee first, hold on."
When he comes back, she's unsnapping the front of Ruby's sleeper, just enough so that she'll be able to feel his warmth on her skin.
"Okay," he sighs, climbing back into bed, reclining against the pillows, "Come here, sweetheart."
"I think she has a burp in there, so maybe keep rubbing her back," Liv murmurs, carefully passing the baby over to him.
He settles her on his bare chest, waiting while she fusses and squirms, getting comfortable.
"Ehn…ehn…ehn…"
After just a few moments, her little body stills, her breathing evening out, her fussing sounds becoming fewer and fewer.
"There we go," he murmurs, gently rubbing her back, "Daddy's got you. Did you just want to be extra warm and cozy?"
Liv cuddles into his side, yawning, watching their daughter fall asleep. "She loves sleeping on you. I can't say I blame her, you're very comfortable."
"There's nothing better than having a sleeping baby on your chest," he muses, pressing a soft kiss to Ruby's head.
"I know, it's my favorite too," she whispers.
3 Weeks Old…
"No, Mommy, I want you," Micah whines, hanging on her legs.
She's nursing Ruby on the couch, eating popcorn left over from movie night, and they've been negotiating with their toddler for ten minutes straight.
"I can't, baby. Ruby's eating right now, okay? Daddy's going to read to you, and I'll come say goodnight before you fall asleep, I promise. I love you, okay?"
"No," he whimpers, eyes filling with tears, "I want you to read."
He's clearly a little overtired, even though it's not too far past his bedtime, because he doesn't normally put up this much of a fight. She's only been able to put him to bed a few times since bringing Ruby home, so she wonders if maybe they should have seen this coming.
"C'mon, bud," Fitz coaxes, reaching his hand out, "How about if we read two books tonight?"
"No," Micah says again, breaking down into tears when it becomes clear they're not giving in, "I want Mommy."
He tries to climb into her lap, jostling Ruby, and she lifts her knees to keep him off the couch. "No, Micah, don't climb on me, please. The baby's eating, I can't read to you tonight, I'm sorry. I'll come say goodnight, I promise."
His crying almost instantly escalates into full-on hysterics, complete with heaving sobs and rivers of tears down his cheeks.
"No, Mommy! I want you, Mommy…I wa—Mommy…"
She looks at Fitz in shock, and he looks like he's at a loss as well. Micah had thrown some tantrums as a two-year-old, but he hasn't been this upset in a long time.
"Oh, crying isn't how we talk to Mommy and Daddy, is it?" Liv says softly, trying to keep her cool.
Fitz sits down next to him, trying unsuccessfully to get his eye contact. "Micah, Mommy has to feed Ruby right now. You're not acting like a big boy, I want you to use your words."
"I wa—I wa—Mommy—you read—Mommy…"
Liv shakes her head, glancing down to see Ruby still suckling enthusiastically. "I can't tonight, but tomorrow I will. I promise, bud. Go with Daddy."
"No…"
This time, Fitz physically stops him from trying to climb into her lap, and Micah digs his nails into her leg, grabbing at the fabric of her leggings, scratching, pulling angrily.
"Ouch! Hey," she scolds, eyes flashing, "No, Micah, you do not grab Mommy. Not okay."
Fitz jumps in and picks him up, having had enough negotiation. "Okay, let's go, that's enough."
Micah protests with all his might, squirming in Fitz's arms, becoming hysterical as Fitz easily carries him up the stairs and into his bedroom. The door shuts and his tantrum is muffled, but every yell of 'Mommy' stabs straight into her heart.
She closes her eyes for a moment, rolling her neck to try and ease some of the tension. Looking down at Ruby, she sighs deeply, gently stroking her back.
"Now, what am I going to do about that, bug?" she muses, listening to the baby's soft breathing and swallowing, "Hmm? What do you think? Think he'll calm down before we finish? Do you think Daddy might lose his mind? I hope not."
Ruby doesn't seem to have much of an opinion, but her eyes are already starting to droop, her sucking motions becoming intermittent. Normally, Liv would try to keep her awake, but this time she lets her drift off, standing and slowly walking up the stairs. She passes Micah's room, wincing as his crying gets louder, and heads into their bedroom.
Luckily, the baby doesn't protest when Liv gently breaks the suction around her nipple, laying her down and swaddling her tightly. The swaddle is still kryptonite at this point, and Ruby is powerless against the soothing pressure, completely content to be placed in her bassinette.
"I'll feed you more as soon as you're hungry, even if it's in ten minutes, okay?" she murmurs, placing her hand on the baby, pulling her nursing tank back up, "Promise. But I think your brother needs me, you don't mind do you? No, I didn't think so."
Ruby doesn't even stir, the picture of peaceful.
"Great," Liv whispers, giving her a thumbs up.
Turning her attention back to the dramatic sounds coming from her toddler's room, she heads back down the hallway to rescue her husband. She's not sure going in to talk to Micah is the right thing to do, but something's telling her that he's not being manipulative, that he really is missing her and needing her attention right now. She takes a deep breath, gathering herself, and then opens the door.
He's standing in the middle of the room, crying and refusing to sit on his bed with Fitz. As soon as he sees her, he cries even harder. Olivia kneels down to meet him, getting on his level, slightly shocked that he's still so upset. Micah reaches for her but she catches his arms and keeps him in front of her, not wanting to reward the tantrum with a hug right away. It breaks her heart not to scoop him up, but this is way out of character for him, and she doesn't want to reinforce it.
"Wow, hey," she says softly, eyes wide and serious as he stands in front of her, hysterical, "We can't talk if you're crying. Can you stop crying?"
Micah hiccups and cries, still reaching for her as his breath catches with sobs. "No…Momm—Mommy—Mommy I wa—want you…want you—Mommy…"
"I'm right here," she reasons, keeping her voice calm and soft, "I want to talk to you, but I can't if you're crying, okay? I want you to tell me what's wrong, but I can't understand you if you cry."
"Mommy—I—I—Momm—y…Mommy…"
After a moment or so he stops trying to come toward her and focuses on crying, letting her keep him half an arm's length away. She strokes his little arms with her thumbs, watching him slowly lose steam, trying to catch his breath.
Fitz gets up at one point, and they have a short conversation with their eyes before he leaves the room.
You got this?
I'll take it from here, we're fine
He closes the door behind him, leaving them alone together.
Slowly, slowly, he starts to calm, his hysterical crying fading into pitiful sobs and sniffles. She waits him out, watching his chest heave, his face soaked with tears. Moments like this remind her more than ever that he's a little person now, with lots of thoughts and feelings, learning how to express himself.
"Do you want to talk to me now?" she asks, rubbing Micah's arms as he sobs quietly.
"Yeah," he sniffles, hiccupping, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.
"Okay, first, I want you to tell me you're sorry for scratching me. That hurt Mommy, and it wasn't nice at all. You know better than that, Micah."
He sobs pitifully, blinking teary brown eyes. "Sorry, Mommy."
"Thank you," she murmurs, finally guiding him into a hug, "Try to do better next time, please."
"Sorry, Mommy," he says again, crying into her shoulder.
She picks him up, rubbing his back. "I know, pumpkin. I forgive you. Shh."
She sways gently, closing her eyes, feeling the squeeze of his arms, his hot tears against her neck. It's easy to forget, now that she's taking care of a tiny baby again, that he's still a little boy. He feels big in her arms, but he's still so young, he still needs her so much.
Finally, he stops crying, and she walks over to sit down in the seldom-used rocking chair in the corner of his room. They hardly ever rock before bedtime anymore, and they've actually been talking about donating his chair since Ruby has her own. But she rocks him now, rubbing his back, humming quietly. He's not just resting in her arms, he's hugging her, clinging to her, and it makes her want to cry. Instead, she holds him tighter, turning to rest her lips against his temple, still rocking gently.
He slides down to sit in her lap after a few minutes, laying his head against her chest, and she hugs her arms around him.
"You're really sad, huh?" she murmurs, smoothing his curls back, trying to help him connect his emotion to the right word.
"Yeah," he agrees, still sniffling, tears in his voice.
"How come you're so sad?"
He doesn't say anything, playing with her wedding band.
"Hmm? Tell Mommy why you're sad, so I can help you feel better."
He still doesn't say anything, and for a moment she's not sure he'll talk to her about it.
"'Cause," he whispers, finally.
"Because, why?"
"Umm, 'cause you hold Ruby and not me and you didn't read to me."
"Oh," she breathes, pretending she's had no idea why he was so upset, "Okay. And that made you so sad?"
"Yeah."
She takes a breath, willing him to keep using his words. "Well, sometimes I can't read to you at bedtime, because I have to take care of Ruby. Remember, we keeping talking about how she's so, so little, and she needs Mommy and Daddy to do everything for her?"
Micah nods, still not looking at her.
"You're a big boy, and you don't need us to do as many things. Like, if you're hungry, you can just eat all by yourself!"
"I can use a fork," he mumbles, sounding comically depressed about it.
"I know you can, because you're such a big boy. But Ruby can't do that, she needs Mommy to feed her. If I didn't feed her, she couldn't eat, and then she would be sad."
"I want you to read though, Mommy," he whimpers, pressing into her chest.
He's tired, and emotionally exhausted, and they may not get much further with this tonight. But, she figures it can't hurt to reiterate the fact that sometimes, Ruby will have to come first. He's still learning, after all, and she wants to give him grace when it comes to learning about sharing attention.
"Shh…I know you do. I want to read to you too, but sometimes I can't. When that happens, it's okay to be sad but I need you to use your words, okay? I need you to tell me you're sad, and then I can help you feel better. You can't scream and cry, that's not the right thing to do. Okay?"
"'Kay," he says quietly, content to be in her arms.
They're quiet for a bit, rocking, cuddling, breathing.
"How about if Ruby reads with us, sometimes? I bet she would like to listen, too. Do you think that would be fun?"
He nods against her chest, playing with her fingers. "Yeah. We can tell her about trees. And the bee-trix potter froggies."
"I think she would really like that," Liv smiles, pressing kisses into his curls, hugging him securely, "You might have to hold the book, and turn the pages. How about that? You can do that, right?"
"Yeah."
"I bet you can. Okay, how about if we go lay down, and I'll sing to you. It's bedtime."
She feels him yawn, nodding simultaneously, climbing off of her lap.
"Hey, c'mere," she murmurs, sitting down on the floor in front of him, meeting his eyes.
He looks a little apprehensive to be back in front of her, forced to make eye contact, but she smiles and turns her head, tapping her cheek with one finger. Micah grins and kisses her cheek, leaning on her shoulders. She turns forward again and purses her lips in an exaggerated pucker, giving him a smacking kiss on the lips when he leans in.
"Another hug, please," she requests softly, squeezing him tight when he falls into her arms, "I love you."
"Love you, Mommy."
He's asleep before she finishes singing the first verse of Stay Awake, and she tiptoes from his room, carefully closing the door.
When she gets back to their bedroom, Fitz is doing laps around the room with a fussing Ruby over his shoulder.
"Hungry again?" she asks, stopping in the doorway.
"That's my guess," he answers, turning to show her that the baby is sucking on the collar of his tee shirt.
Olivia takes a deep breath, unclipping one side of her nursing tank and letting it fall down unceremoniously, making him chuckle. "You know, little ladybug, we wouldn't have this problem if you'd stop falling asleep so fast."
"I can't help it, Mommy," Fitz says in a high-pitched voice, speaking as Ruby, "You're so warm and comfy, I can't fight it."
She sinks down into their new glider, taking Ruby from him, cradling the baby to her breast. "There you go, baby. Easy, easy, slow down, do it right. Oh, don't fuss at me, this is for your own good. That's better."
Fitz kneels down next to the glider as Ruby sighs, suckling happily. He reaches out and smoothes a stray curl away from Liv's face, waiting until she looks up at him.
"He okay?" he asks, knowing she probably has some feelings about what just happened.
"He's alright," she murmurs, letting Ruby's tiny fingers curl around hers, "We had a good talk, I think."
"Are you okay?"
It takes her longer to answer this time as she thinks for a second, tipping her head back to rest against the chair looking down at him.
"I don't…I really hate feeling like I can't be there for both of them at the same time. They both really did need me."
Fitz smiles sympathetically, standing up to kiss her softly. "There's nothing I can say that will make you feel any better about that, because you're a mom. But you're doing a great job, okay?"
"Thanks," she smiles, her tired eyes meeting his, "So are you. Dad of the year, right here."
A/N: So, not completely smooth sailing, but they're handling it. I'm so happy everyone is loving these guys, I love writing them. Reviews are so appreciated!
