A/N: All throughout the writing of this chapter, I kept telling myself, this is too cute. What's wrong with you, Zay? This isn't how real life is. But there you have it. Writing the relationship-ish stuff these past few weeks makes me realize that I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Because I don't.
Seriously, full disclosure time here – I know nothing about this subject. I am a cynic. I'm famous for theorizing that love is a farce. I'm also famous for declaring I don't want to get married or have children. I've had a grand total of one crush my sixteen-year-old life – and that wasn't even a crush, merely a psychological manifestation of short-lived insecurity and curiosity. I have no close guy friends to speak of. Only one guy makes me feel kind of funny in the tummy and that's only me being stupid, since I don't even like him that way. I really don't know anything about being a girl in love.
And yet…here I am, writing about it all as if I have a right to. Life is a strange, strange piece of work.
This chapter, you should listen to: Sushi, by Kyle Andrews.
Erm…enjoy?
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March 25
11:30 AM
Status: Listless
At long, long last, I can truthfully say that Saturday morning has finally come for me; and it is amazing how grateful I am to make it here. It's been a ridiculously long week.
Unfortunately, starting on Monday, the teachers suddenly realized that we only have a couple of months before exams start, and they took the liberty of lecturing us liberally for at least fifteen minutes before leaping into some complicated lesson plan or another. All week, we've had to wake up to the unpleasant reality that our future is waiting for us, coming for us, and we have to be ready.
I, for one, am not ready for my future. I've fallen into a rut. I'm bored and I'm listless. Livvy still isn't speaking to me and Alice, fed up of her attitude, is dividing her free time between me and Frank, pointedly and somewhat childishly ignoring Livvy as well. Through all of this, I'm trying to work, I really am, but I can't keep my focus long enough to do a good job. During the week, I live for the weekend; and on the weekend, I feel so awful that I almost long for the structure and activity of the week.
You know things are bad when not even the weekend can make you feel like life is worth living.
Days come and go, I patrol and do my homework, and things are chugging along. The weather has been moody of late, the skies blustery and then abruptly clear; but now it's finally started moving towards the clearer side, filling our classrooms with early spring sunshine and emptying our heads of any indoor thoughts.
And now…now it's Saturday.
It feels safe, coming into this Saturday. I woke up late – eleven fifteen – and I've been lolling about my dormitory. I'm still in my pajamas and I'm sure I smell gross. I haven't even brushed my hair – it's sitting in a curly mass on top of my head and it desperately needs a wash. But you know, I don't even care, because it's Saturday and I don't have to be anywhere and OH BOLLOCKS I JUST REMEMBERED.
I do have to be somewhere. I have a date today. With James. At noon. And it's ten minutes to. And my hair is a grease factory.
Fuckfuckfuckfuck.
I'd best tell Alice to head James off and tell him that I'll be a little late. Don't want him to think I'm standing him up or anything. Then I have to wash this hair of mine. Merlin, why did I let it go so filthy? It should be bloody illegal. Do I still have shampoo, or did my bottle run out? I remembered to get more, right? Damn, why don't I think these things through?!
Shall write again properly very soon, promise!
3:30 PM
Status: Delighted
Okay…so where was I?
Right, right. I remember now – I almost forgot I had my date with James today. And I wasn't sure if I had any shampoo left with which to tame my hair.
Well, fortunately, the whole thing didn't go off as horribly as it could have. I caught Alice – in my miserable pajama state – and told her to please let James know that I'm going to be late. This took quite a while, mainly because she had to take a few minutes to laugh her guts out at my forgetfulness, but the message was mercifully delivered on time. I fled to my shower and found that I had just enough shampoo to get myself through. This time. Must remember to get some more.
Anyway, I threw on jeans and a sweatshirt and lathered my hair in hair potion to make it curly and presentable. I clipped it up with my favorite butterfly clip, deemed myself tolerable, and ran to catch James in the village.
Unluckily, I hit a snag at this point. It was Alice. She caught me trying to sprint out of the Entrance Hall and was appalled by my sweatshirt. She thought it was a felony punishable by law to wear something that "appallingly hideous" to a date. So much for my quick escape. Like a child caught stealing from the biscuit jar, Alice marched me back upstairs to my dormitory and insisted I change my shirt.
After half an hour of begging, pleading, arguing and a little blackmailing, Alice and I finally settled on my lime green t-shirt with the pink heart on it. It was cute, casual, and perfect for the first truly nice day we'd had in a while. Plus, Alice reckoned it showed my figure off to its best advantage, but I think that's merely a matter of opinion.
Once dressed, I sprinted out to Hogsmeade (now forty-five minutes late) and met up with James in front of Honeydukes. He grinned upon seeing me, breathless from all the running with my hair disheveled again from the wind, and gave me a hug when I came close enough. He felt solid and good and cool against my flushed skin.
"Hey," he said. "Took your sweet time, didn't you, Lils?"
"Sorry," I said, going pink. "Alice decided I wasn't dressed well enough to see you…so when I tried to come downstairs, she took me back upstairs and made me change."
"You look fine," he pointed out, looking me up and down.
"I wore a sweatshirt originally," I felt obliged to explain.
James laughed. "You know, contrary to popular belief, guys don't usually care how nice you look when you come for a date," he told me. "I wouldn't have cared if you wore a potato sack."
"Yes you would've," I said with a snort.
"Maybe a little," he allowed. "But not enough to say so, or gossip to all my friends, or anything like that."
"You're one of a rare breed, then," I said, smirking. "So…let's get going, I'm starved. I didn't have any breakfast. Let's have lunch. Or maybe brunch."
James laughed again. "Right. I forgot how much you like to eat."
"Despite all my mother's best attempts to turn me into a lady, I'm incapable of eating small bites in sizeable portions," I said.
"That's okay," he said. "We'll order doubles."
"Once, Alice dared me to eat triples by myself and I did," I told him.
James was mightily impressed. "You could give Sirius a run for his money," he said approvingly. "Maybe we'll do that some time."
"Maybe we should." I laughed and took his hand. "Now hurry up – my stomach's going to eat itself if you keep dawdling here and making small talk."
He laughed too and together, we ran down the street to The Three Broomsticks. Once there, I took forever to pick what I wanted to eat and James gave a lot of exaggerated sighs. He called me a name and I stepped on his foot, so he pulled on my hair and I slapped him sharply across the face. He was so astonished that for a few seconds, he just stood there while I giggled uncontrollably.
Once he got his bearings back, though, he practically leapt on top of me and gave me such a bone-crushing hug that I literally had to check if he had crushed any bones.
"James, stop it!" I squealed this and tried to hit him, make him release the pressure and get off of me, and he lifted me up off the ground, twirling me around like there weren't people watching, like this really was a romantic movie or something where he could do something this stupid and get away with it.
"James, I mean it, stop that! People are staring!" I yelled as he grinned somewhere near my ear, his deep chuckle reverberating through my very being, as though I was a bell or a set of chimes.
I was about to actually hit him properly, my cheeks red because there were condescending eyes on me (of course); but then the pressure subsided, he stopped trying to kill me, and his hug became cuddly, protective. His face was somewhere in my thick curtain of hair – I could feel the warmth of his breathing on the skin of my neck – and he was holding me so snugly, so sweetly, that he could have kept me there forever and I might not have cared.
My laugh diminished from its initial raucous screech to soft hiccups, as we awkwardly bumbled out of the way and he kept hugging me, and I stroked his hair, also feeling like we really had stolen out somewhere away from reality, in some fantasy world where we could do something this stupid and get away with it.
"James, stop this foolishness," I murmured quietly into his ear, feeling like the heroine in one of those ridiculous films Alice loves to watch.
"Just relax," he murmured back, resting his chin on my shoulder, which must've been somewhat uncomfortable since he was several inches taller than me. "Just relax…"
And despite how embarrassing I knew this was, standing in the middle of the pub with a boy draped upon me – behavior I would have openly criticized before today, by the way – I did. I did relax. I let him stand there with me, swaying a little to a beat in our own heads, and I stopped thinking. I let him hum the tension out of my body. I let him relax me.
Well…I mean, I did, until the moment was shattered by the sound of our names in a familiar female voice.
"Lily? James?"
By instinct, James pulled out of my neck and I looked into the direction of the noise, both our cheeks utterly pink as we realized that we were still, indeed, stuck in reality and the public around us still, indeed, existed.
And, to my horror, I saw Mary Macdonald and Sarah Emerson approaching us, watching us with unrestrained curiosity. I felt my cheeks go absolutely and completely scarlet – almost the color of my hair, I reckon.
"Hi," I mumbled, shaking James's arm off my waist.
"Didn't expect to run into you two," said James, remarkably jovially, rumpling his hair as he always did when he was the slightest bit nervous. "How are you?"
"Just fine," said Sarah Emerson coolly.
"That was pretty intense over there," said Mary with a giggle. "A hug in the middle of The Three Broomsticks – very nice."
"Thanks," I mumbled, averting my eyes and tucking my curls behind my ear.
"You know, I think it's the coolest thing that you're going out now," said Mary conversationally. "Sarah was actually just telling me all about how she saw you the last Hogsmeade visit – you know, and Lily was feeding you chocolate balls, James."
"Yeah, we did do that," said James with a smirk. "She interrupted us in the midst of our best time, too."
Mary laughed. She was being genuine about the whole thing – she was excited and wanted to chit-chat – but somehow, I didn't her or Sarah Emerson to intrude upon our joy. I wanted them to go away, take the world with them, and leave us here, leave us alone and let us play and cuddle and be free. I wanted to forget there were gossips and a school of people intent on getting into our business. I wanted to eat lunch and pretend everyone wanted me to be happy. That's all.
But that wasn't to be so, because Mary's next remark was directed straight at me.
"So, Lils, I guess there is something going on between you two now," she said with a mischievous grin and wink. "You are together. What did I tell you? You guys were meant to be. It was only a matter of time."
There really wasn't any intelligent thing I could say to that. With James watching, his arm protectively inching toward my waist, I cleared my throat and said, "Yeah. I guess you're right."
"Of course I'm right!" twittered Mary. "Plus, I mean, I have eyewitness testimony with Sarah. And lots of people have been talking about it lately. You guys are barely apart, from what I'm hearing."
"We do have our own lives, Mary," I pointed out.
"Boyfriends are fun – it's okay to admit you spend all your time together," she said.
"But we don't," James chimed in. "Patrolling is necessary, but in class and whatever else…I mean, Lily isn't my only friend."
"That's nice," said Sarah, sounding as though it wasn't really that nice. "But you know, I did want to get a few things done up in the castle this afternoon…so Mary, if you'd excuse me…"
"Bye, Sarah!" said Mary cheerfully, waving as she moved towards the door leading to the Main Road.
"You know, we've got to get going too, Mary," said James. "Lily and I were going to pop into the line and get something to eat, so…"
"Yeah, yeah, I totally get it!" she chirped. "Go have fun. I'll catch you around later. Bye!"
"Bye, Mary," I said.
Mary gave us the same little wave she gave Sarah and crossed the floor of the pub with that look on her face, likely because she wanted to speak to someone else she knew. Honestly, I was just glad she was gone. Seeing the two girls had somehow punctured my happy bubble and left me the slightest bit deflated. At that time, I wasn't really sure what it was. I just let James take my hand lead me back into the line, where I buckled down, ordered what I wanted, and split the bill with him. We took our stuff and found ourselves a table, where we settled in and began to eat.
I, however, did not eat with my usual gusto – and James noticed.
"Hey, you all right?" he asked after swallowing an enormous bite of food. "You're a little quiet after all that hugging. Did I slaughter your voice box?"
"I thought so, for a few seconds, but I think I'm unscathed," I said, taking a sip of my water. "I'm just…thinking, I guess."
"Penny for your thoughts?"
I mused briefly on the best way to answer this question. James watched thoughtfully over his butterbeer, clearly curious, and I decided to be honest.
"Does it ever bother you," I asked carefully, "that people are obsessed with us?"
"Obsessed?" James wrinkled his nose at my word choice. "Probably not the way I'd phrase it. Explain."
Of course he'd ask me to explain. I took another gulp of water and attempted (with little success) to try this again.
"Well…I dunno, they are obsessed," I said. "Like, we're bathroom gossip now. Sarah Emerson saw us together and now everyone knows. Mary harps on about how she always knew. Even before we…went out…people would ask if there was something going on, if we were together. Doesn't that ever bother you? That our lives aren't private and now that we're…really together…people think it's because it was inevitable?"
Understanding flickered in those hazel irises and this time, I knew my message had gotten through. I let him take his time considering this thought, eating a little more and thinking, his eyes focused in on something over my right shoulder.
Then, slowly, he said, "Well…a little. But gossip doesn't bother me too much. It doesn't matter. What people say and what is actually happening are different. They can think what they like, but we're together because we care about each other. Not because it was written in the stars."
"It's a noble line to take, that gossip doesn't bother you, but I'm sure you've heard it," I pressed. "I'm sure you've…thought about it. You can't tell me it hasn't bugged you, that we're like Hogwarts tabloid fixtures."
"I can presume, then, that this has bugged you," he said with a lazy grin.
"Of course it has," I said. "I never asked for this. I hate mass-limelight. I never asked to be involved with you, in the beginning. I wanted nothing to do with you. And if we were ever to have a relationship, I would have – and still do – want it to be because I eased into it on my own, not because people shoved it in my face and made it reality."
James considered this too, his expression heavy with thoughts I desperately wanted to hear. I finished off my water and waited for him to say something, anything, and I was duly rewarded.
"Let me tell you something," he said. "A few weeks ago, I was talking to Remus in the library. He was doing his homework, I wasn't. It was just after your birthday and you remember how that Jonathon prefect took the slow dance with you?"
"Yes," I said, unsure where this was going.
"Well, I was telling Remus about it," he continued, "and I was complaining about how nothing ever seemed to work out between you and me. Every time we got close, something went wrong. Remus, being the sensitive one, sympathized with my plight."
At this, I blushed deeply pink. Either he didn't notice or he didn't care, because he ate another bite of his lunch and went on.
"So while I was sitting there and moping with Remus about how the girl I liked wouldn't have me, Amos Diggory approached me," he said. "He sat down at our table and asked how we were. Remus told him I was love-sick and I probably would've killed him, if he wasn't Remus. Then Amos, looking surprised, asked if it had anything to do with you. I admitted as much. Amos was sympathetic, because he thought I was hopeless, and then he asked me somewhat the same question you just asked me."
"And what's that?"
"He asked me, 'Is it worth it?'" James's irises clouded over ambiguously, reminiscing. "He said, 'There are about a thousand and one rumors going around that you two are hot for each other, and now you're sitting here in the library thinking about one girl when you could have every other one, if you wanted. Is she worth all this?'"
I bit my lip. "So what did you say back?"
"I thought about it for about a minute," said James. "I sat there, in the library with Amos and Remus, and I thought about whether or not this was worth it. Having people assume any bad mood was due to wanting to be with you; listening to people gossip about me; hoping for something I thought, at the time, I'd never get; dragging on this childhood fancy when everybody kept telling me to let it go.
"And then I told him, yes," he said simply. "I told him I didn't care how many people gossiped about me. I didn't care if people made judgments about me. My feelings were mine and not theirs. So…I suppose my answer to your original question is yes, but very loosely."
He grinned and leaned closer to me from across the table. "This school has been talking about me since I was eleven years old; and I figure if I'm still the center of attention, it might as well be because I've found someone I adore. You know?"
Despite myself, I blushed even redder (if it was possible) and it took a lot out of me to hold his gaze.
"You know, you are astonishingly open about these types of things," I said.
He shrugged. "I've got nothing to hide," he said.
I tucked my hair behind my ear, finishing up the last of my lunch. "And you still feel that way?" I asked.
"What?"
"That this – you and me – is worth it?"
James smiled. "What do you think?"
I chewed on my lip, my half-smile coy, and he reached forward, maybe to stroke my hair or my cheek; but at this moment, we were interrupted by another familiar-ish voice calling our names.
"Lily? James?"
Again, we turned instinctively to our newest intruder, and I found, to my sheer horror, that it was none other than Jonathon.
Oh, Jonathon.
I had to work really hard to rearrange my features into a neutral expression. I noticed James seemed to have the same troubles as me and that, somehow, comforted me. We waved to acknowledge we'd heard him and watched as he waded through the crowd to get to our table.
Everything about him was normal – his dirty blonde hair, bright blue eyes, slightly haughty expression – but there was a particular curiosity about him today, as he took in the sight before him, empty plates and glasses on the table between us.
"There you are," he said. "I've been looking everywhere."
"What do you need, Jonathon?" I asked as politely as I could.
"McGonagall wants to see us all in her office right away," he said carelessly. "Something about the dance. I think the teachers have reached a decision."
"Oh, okay," I said, standing up and smoothing out my shirt. "Right."
"I was told to fetch you," Jonathon clarified. "So I might as well come with you."
"Of course," said James. His tone was pleasant enough, but I could sense disgust underneath it. I wonder if Jonathon could hear it too – he certainly didn't act like he did.
With these preliminaries out of the way, we were left with silence as we exited out of the pub, the three of us together. I lingered close to James's side, but Jonathon lingered close to mine, leading to a very awkward line of three in which I was stuck in the middle.
I tried to discreetly give Jonathon the hint that I wanted to walk with James, since I'd come with him to the village, but again, Jonathon didn't act like he got the message. He lingered near me even when I met his eyes pointedly, which told me two things – one, Jonathon was a dense arse and I couldn't believe he'd wanted to be my boyfriend back in January, and two, he wanted to talk to me alone.
So…unfortunately, I decided to oblige him.
Gently moving away from James with a meaningful look and a little head-jerk towards the blonde prefect, I fell into step with Jonathon. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't a self-satisfied smile on his face, followed by a delicate cough and the question, "So…Lily, how are you?"
Startled, I said, "Fine, thanks. How about you?"
"All right," he said. "So…you're dating Head Boy James now, are you?"
Rather an abrupt question, I thought grumpily to myself. Of course this was why he wanted to walk with me. He wanted to know about James. Him and the rest of the world.
"Yes," I said cautiously, not looking at him. "I am."
"That's cool," he said in a voice that was also very cool. "So…it's going well, I presume?"
"What?"
"The relationship," he clarified, going the slightest bit pink. "It's going well?"
"Yes," I said. "It is."
"And…you're happy?" he asked.
"I am," I confirmed.
"That's good," he said somewhat genuinely. "So you're really into him, huh?"
"Yes, very much so," I said.
"So I was right," Jonathon concluded. "You didn't want to be in a relationship with me because you were in love with James."
I colored bright pink. "It wasn't anything like that…"
"It was and it's okay – I mean, I'm over it now," he said. "I just…wanted to know. Get some closure, that sort of thing."
"Jonathon," I said gently. "I didn't say no to you because of any conflicting interests. I said no to you because at the time, I wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone."
"Just my luck, then, that when you're ready for a relationship, I miss my shot," remarked Jonathon.
I appraised him with a look. "Don't sound so bitter. I've seen you around with all your various female companions. I'd bet a significant amount of money that you're getting on just fine without me."
"I try, my dear, I try," said Jonathon dramatically, giving me a lazy smirk. I laughed and gave him a nudge with my shoulder.
"I'm happy and you're happy," I said. "Let's focus on that."
With this, we got up to the castle steps, me and Jonathon facing each other and James closely bringing up the rear. Jonathon sighed, but gave me a real smile and said, "Sure thing, Lily."
"Okay," I said, grinning. "Now run on in. We'll be right behind you."
This time, Jonathon was forced to accept the hint and walked off into the castle. I turned around to see the guy I'd chosen grinning up at me so genuinely, he seemed to eclipse the sun itself.
We didn't have to say anything. He just bounded up the steps to stand beside me, his fingers intertwined with mine and squeezing my hand tightly. Then, with James's overly-athletic legs leading the way, we ran into the front doors, up the various staircases, and through the corridors to get us to McGonagall's office.
Like the last time we were late, we burst in breathlessly, our lungs ready to tear, our muscles aching and our hands still interlocked, and the reactions were two-fold. The already-present prefects snickered – second time in a row! – and McGonagall sighed piteously at us.
"Mr. Potter and Miss Evans, we may need to reconsider your leadership positions, if this is what your punctuality is defined as," said McGonagall with the slightest hint of sarcasm. "Please take your seats."
The two of us blushed appropriately and sat down, exchanging grins with each other and the prefects. They, already being aware through the copious grapevine of our couple-hood, nodded understandingly and then turned their attentions to McGonagall, who was standing up, observing us all.
"So…I brought up the topic of your dance with the rest of the staff," she informed us. "And, after much talk and consideration, we have decided to grant your request. Hogwarts will have an inter-house dance the day before the student body is sent home."
At this, we all cheered and screamed and laughed and stomped, utterly delighted by our victory. Mavis hugged Annie Potent and Will wolf-whistled almost too loudly to be normal. It wasn't like we hadn't expected as such – because we did – but it was still exhilarating to be given the official okay from Professor McGonagall, seen by many as the antithesis of fun and excitement.
"However," she called out over the din of happy students, "I must remind you that you are all on your own. Everything that must be done will be done through you. Assistance, if necessary, shall be provided upon request. Otherwise, your Heads – responsible as they are (we got a significant look here, to which we blushed) – will be your main authorities. It goes without saying that you are being given the utmost trust and we would hate to see you lose it."
"Thank you so much, Professor!" hollered Trey Miller with a wide grin.
McGonagall half-smiled at Trey, similar in appearance but softer in the eyes, and said, "I sincerely hope this goes off well. Please don't give me reason to regret letting you have this privilege."
"Don't worry about a thing, Professor," Annie Potent promised firmly, her eyes like fire behind her black-rimmed glasses. "We will not let you down."
McGonagall nodded, bid us well, and dismissed us from her office. We all got up and retreated to our common rooms, since none of us were in the mood to take the necessary walk to the village.
On the way out, Kate, Abigail and Michael talked (however unwillingly) about putting up the collection tin up the following morning, at breakfast, and posting bright, cheerful, flashy signs to catch people's attentions. Annie, meanwhile, told Trey, Mavis, Will and Jonathon to start looking for decoration places and talk to her about it over the next week or so.
Somewhere in me, I felt vaguely guilty for not doing my part to help out; but as I watched the prefects promise each other to do their share of the work, I didn't feel so guilty anymore. They really wanted to do everything themselves. It meant a lot to them, being part of this dance. Annie Potent was throwing herself into the midst of it all, playing organizer for James and I without needing to be asked, and the prefects were responding well to her leadership, since they actually cared about the issue at hand. They didn't need us to do anything for them – so I walked out of there without another real responsibility on my head, which was a merciful thing.
"So…we're having a dance in June, Lily," James said with a grin once we were away from the other prefects. Only now did he allow his giddiness to make its full appearance. I guess he'd been too embarrassed to let the prefects see it. "Isn't this exciting?"
"Yeah," I said, grinning back. "It is. I can't wait."
"Just to make sure – you will be my date, right?" James asked, his innocently hazel eyes boring into my green ones.
"Of course I will, silly," I said, thumping the side of his head with my palm. "What, who else am I going to go with?"
"I dunno…in a group of girls who don't want me around?"
I snorted. "Yeah, like there's a group of girls in this school that don't want you around."
"You know what I mean," said James.
"No, I don't, but I know what you're going for." I smirked at him and gave him another thump on the head. "Yes, I'll go with you to the dance. We could make it a double date, if you want to include Alice and Frank."
"Sounds good," he said genuinely. "Okay."
"Are you appeased now?" I teased.
"Yes," he said, slipping his arm around my waist and giving me a squeeze. "Thanks."
I nudged him with my hip. "No problem."
And, in this stupid, childish fashion – literally attached at the hip – James and I came upstairs to our dormitories and went our separate ways. I picked up my books, with full and honorable intentions of going to study with Alice, but I decided to write in this diary first, just because I hadn't been able to finish my entry this morning. Now I will act upon my full and honorable intentions to study with Alice. We've got plenty to do, and on top of all that, Alice has to tutor Frank on what we've been doing in Transfiguration lately, because he's completely lost. I hope she's started on that in my absence.
I'd better go now. Until later, then, I guess…
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A/N: If you've been keeping up with dates and know your trivia, you should already be able to piece together what's happening next chapter. I'll just confirm for you now, though, that it will be very, very sweet and will involve another major milestone. Yay!
Someone asked me when Sirius was making another cameo. It'll actually be next chapter. General Marauder mayhem (missing from this story thus far because I've tried to let the boys be mature) will make a cameo in the chapter after. Fun, fun, fun.
I feel guilty about all the fluff – really, I do, because I know as well as the next person that too much relationship-sunshine is frustrating – but I promise, a couple more chapters and we'll get some more interesting development on the romance front. Siriusly.
Otherwise…erm…please review on your way out of the browser! See you next chapter!
