A/N: Ahhhh, third to last chapter! I'm so excited. I finished chapter four of the new story though I have been slacking on my writing since then...it's only really because my roommate has become more and more verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and other people are noticing and are saying that I should really move out of the dorm and I've just been feeling really off because of it and I can't write when I'm like that. But I will survive, I will continue writing, don't worry guys!
Anyway, onto the chapter!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Enjoy!
Chapter: 44
They went all out for their sleepover. One of the many guest bedrooms was a mess by the time they were curled up in the giant bed watching sappy sleepover movies on Stephanie's laptop in the early morning hours. There wasn't much opportunity for them to have an actual sleepover due to Stephanie's patrol schedule. Not only was she on 'overtime' over the weekend but on school nights there was no chance of a sleepover with school work to finish and patrol. They needed to make this night count. Food littered the floor, makeup and nail polish lay scattered around as well. A pizza, not from any delivery place but brought up by Alfred at ten was delicious as were their ice cream sundaes, popcorn was scattered in the sheets and as much as it bothered Livia she didn't have the heart to try and brush it off, not when she and Stephanie were having so much fun.
But even as they did each other's hair, makeup and nails, even as they changed into the comfiest pajamas Livia had ever worn and even as they marathoned two tv shows and watched a movie she couldn't help but feel that everything was forced. Everything was a distraction so that she wouldn't think of the attack, so that she wouldn't be worried or scared. And even with her friend's efforts she found herself looking off into the distance, remembering the moment that she'd been slammed into the wall. Or she'd faze out of a conversation entirely or she'll feel her magic stir under her skin as if ready to leap out and defend her from an invisible attack. It felt like she was jumping out of her skin every five minutes, but only she knew it. Only she felt it…only her nerves were frayed over one close call.
If that were the case, if her suspicion was true then Livia couldn't help but feel bad. They faced near-death experiences almost daily. They fought criminals every night, they dodged bullets, knives and other weapons. They've been hurt over and over again—sometimes critically injured—by what they do to defend the people of this city and just because Livia made one stupid mistake that nearly got her killed they felt the need to try and make her feel better. To try and distract her and keep her happy because they knew she was scared and they knew she was upset by what happened.
Livia twisted in the sheets, trying to shake away the flashes of the Talons in the alleyway from her mind. She only faced them on her own once, this just happened once…okay, twice if she counted the attack on the school. This shouldn't scare her so much, and she shouldn't be so weak…the others did this daily…the others were able to move past it. Livia turned again and let out a deep sigh, squeezing her eyes shut and tried to drift off to sleep. But as she closed her eyes again she thought of her father and her little brother, unaware of the danger she presented and unaware of any threats there may be in their lives. She thought of what they would have thought or felt if she had been killed that day, she thought of her father and how he had lost his twin and how terrible it would have been to lose his sister's daughter as well. She only had her father's eyes, with everything else she was the spitting image of her mother. She knew that wasn't just what Alaric cared about; she was his daughter in everything but blood…and it would destroy him to lose one of his children. Livia shivered and wondered how they would survive this…if she should tell them more…if that would keep them safe or make them run from everything wrong and dangerous with Gotham. Livia winced again at that; nothing felt right,
"You okay?" Stephanie asked finally into the quiet of the room. Livia let out a sigh and rolled over to face her friend,
"Why are you doing this?" she asked, choosing to voice her thoughts on this sleepover and not focus on her fears regarding her family,
"Because it's fun? It's what friends do…why are you even asking that? Are you not having fun?"
"No…I am—," she started, she did have fun, but the worry nagging her dimmed it all a bit, "But I…I get attacked once because of my stupid mistake, and I'm a mess. My hands are still shaking…I feel like Talons are leaping out at me every time I see a shadow, I just can't shake this fear. You're trying to make me feel better, feel safe and distracted from what happened even though this only happened once to me. You guys face things like this every day, you must think I'm a baby. You must think I'm so weak," Stephanie sat up, an almost angry look on her face,
"Don't you dare say that. We're doing this because we're friends and you had a terrible experience today. We're doing this because when someone has a tough day, night, near-death experience…whatever…they need people who care about them with them. You shouldn't be alone because you don't have to be. You are not a baby, you made no mistake, and you reacted the way anyone else in your situation would have. No…actually, you went above, and beyond that, you stood up to them, you stood your ground, and you fought. That is amazing. That is commendable, and that is brave…not cowardly, not weak, not baby-ish at all," Livia sat up as well, pulling her knees to her chest and shook her head,
"You're just saying that…I should have taken a cab. None of you would have let this happen. I'm such an idiot!"
"Don't say that. You are not alone. We make mistakes too. People idolize us…but they don't know us like you do. We're human. We mess up too. I started a gang war, Barbara opened the door, Jason went to Sarajevo, Damian's a fucking assassin, Bruce is an asshole and lies to us a shit ton, Tim…Tim has probably fucked up sometime in his life I'm sure and Dick…Dick pretended to be dead for months!"
"Wait what…when did that happen?" Livia asked, squinting over at her in confusion,
"Oh, how should I know? I wasn't there!" Stephanie exclaimed, "My point is we're not perfect, neither are you so quit thinking you have to get over this so soon. You're scared. That's okay,"
"But you guys are never like this…you always move on, you always get past this," Stephanie was silent for a moment before letting out a sigh,
"We don't. Not really. You know Darren has nightmares still, and he was raised to be an assassin since the age of five. So do I, so does Tim…so does everyone in this family…we don't just get past what we face so quickly. We may move through our daily lives as nothing bothers us…but it does. We do keep moving forward. We do keep going, but it's hard sometimes. Sometimes we do give in to the pain and the darkness and the fear…and that's okay too because we have people who are willing to distract us, willing to spend time with us, ready to pull us back to our feet…willing to help us through it.
"Pain is relative…physical, emotional, mental pain…all pain is relative. What may kill me might only wound you, and what may kill you might only wound me. Some things we get over easily, other things not so much. The same with you. You are not us, you are yourself and recovery is different for everyone," silence stretched as Stephanie seemed to consider something before she let out a small sigh and look Livia in the eyes a serious yet calm expression on her face,
"I said before that I started a gang war…I got caught in the middle of it and captured by Black Mask and his thugs…," her friend paused for a moment and in the silver light from the moon Livia could see her friend almost drift back to that moment…that time when she felt helpless and weak and afraid. Livia knew then and there that Stephanie understood…that the others understood and this wasn't to demean her, it was to help her…protect her…help her move forward from her small yet significant brush with death, "It felt like I died that day…perhaps I wanted to a little bit. But they saved me. They got me back and they made sure I was taken care of. They made sure I found a way to move forward, they made sure I kept going because that is what we do. That is how we find our inner strength. For the small things, the big things, and everything in between. For everything that hits us hard we get back up and push. We're not babying you, we're supporting you, we're pushing you back to normalcy because that's the only thing you can do when you're one of us,"
"I'm not though,"
"You fought back…you are one of us. Perhaps you're no vigilante, but you fought. And that means something,"
"I'd say you're just saying that but you gave me a self-empowering rant at two in the morning…so I can't really say that," Stephanie cracked a smile and chuckled, the shadows from the past in her eyes easing a bit. They settled back down and lay in silence for a bit,
"I don't want to be a vigilante," Livia said quietly into the dark room,
"That's perfectly fine. You don't have to be. That's what we're for. It's not our choice to make you a hero, that's yours and it doesn't have to be what you want,"
"Thank you." Livia said, ending the conversation. She felt better. It made sense to her now. Stephanie was her friend and wanted to be there for her. They understood what she was going through and what she was feeling even if they were experienced in almost everything dangerous in life. But it still wasn't enough to get her to sleep. After tossing and turning far too long for her liking she kicked back the covers—without pulling them off Stephanie—and padded to the door. Perhaps a quick two in the morning walk will ease her nerves. She pulled back the door and nearly leapt out of her skin when something hard and heavy rolled back onto her feet,
"Darren?" she hissed with surprise. He lurched forward to his feet, twisting to face her while rubbing his eyes tiredly,
"Livia…I…um…I was just—,"
"Spying on us?" She asked, raising an eyebrow amused. Livia actually doubted that was the case, but seeing his expression at that statement was worth it. He looked so offended,
"Why would I do that?" he demanded. Livia stepped out of the bedroom, lightly closing the door so they wouldn't disturb Stephanie,
"Well why else were you outside our door?" Darren shifted from foot to foot, looking slightly uncomfortable or slightly embarrassed was more like it,
"I was…well…keeping watch,"
"Keeping watch?" Livia asked incredulously, as a grin she couldn't help stretched across her face. Darren nodded seriously, "But you were asleep!"
"I was resting my eyes," he said indignantly,
"You fell back when the door opened, you were asleep," she stated, raising an eyebrow as she crossed her arms over her chest, still grinning,
"I…I may have fallen asleep," Darren amended,
"Well either way the thought was sweet. But I also don't think that it was necessary, this place is a fortress. You probably have a crick in your neck for no reason," Darren frowned,
"I'm fine. And it is necessary. Everyone is out tonight, searching for Talons while protecting your family and the city. They're almost stretched thin…if someone did get past the defenses you'd be in trouble. So I kept watch,"
"But you were asleep," Livia pointed out. Darren looked frustrated for a moment,
"I'm sure I would have heard them if they got in," he insisted, his frustration turning to guilt. Livia instantly felt bad,
"I wasn't saying you couldn't protect me. I was trying to be funny. I'm sorry," Darren let out a sigh,
"No, I am sorry. None of this should have happened…and I shouldn't have fallen asleep,"
"Did the nightmares get you?" Livia asked. Darren shook his head, a bitter smile replacing the guilt-ridden expression his face once held,
"No. I've been having the best sleep ever since the trial was decided, even if Shepard got out on bail. I have a restraining order and he has to go on trial…but the insomnia is still a problem. Once I'm asleep I'm fine—most of the time—it just takes a really long time for me to get to that point,"
"Well that's still a good thing. Baby steps," Livia replied brightly,
"What are you doing up?" Darren finally asked. It seemed he'd been wondering for a while why she was about to wander the dark mansion instead of blissfully asleep with her friend all slumber partied out. Livia frowned, feeling a small sense of dread fall over her shoulders at the prospect of explaining this to Darren—someone who of everyone she had met experienced much more than she could probably bear,
"I couldn't sleep," she said slowly, looking away, "I know it's stupid and while Stephanie gave me a fantastic lecture on why I shouldn't feel it is stupid…I still can't help feeling that I don't deserve to feel this…fear. This anticipation of something attacking me of Talons appearing in the shadows even though I know that isn't possible. I know I am safe but I just don't…feel it yet," Darren blinked at her,
"Of course I understand that. And of course it's understandable that you aren't over what has happened. It was scary, it was terrifying and even though we've seen a lot and have been through a lot, it was probably traumatizing for you. It's okay to feel that way. You know how long it took me just to be relatively okay here at the Manor,"
"I know…but it still feels small in comparison,"
"We understand. It's you who doesn't understand that it's okay for you to be worried and scared," Livia bit her lip. He was sounding like Stephanie right now and she of course knew both of them were right. She was sure Tim would give her the same sympathy if he were here as well. Even so she hugged herself as a phantom chill ran up her spine,
"If you want," Darren started, "You could bunk with me for the night," Livia dropped her arms, slightly surprised by the offer,
"Is…is that allowed?" Darren squinted at her as if confused,
"Why wouldn't it be?" he asked, "No one is here to stop us," he gestured to the empty and dark halls,
"Not to mention we've done it before at your house, and they do it with each other all the time," Livia knew what he meant, but she also knew that providing comfort from lack of sleep or nightmares probably wasn't just what they were doing with their girlfriends or boyfriends. With a slight grin and blush at that thought, Livia took Darren's outstretched hand and followed him back to his room. Settling in the bed together such as they had at her own home in her own bed. With her head on his chest and his arms around her…she couldn't help but feel calmer, safer…at ease in the familiar embrace and the familiar comfort. Slowly but surely she drifted back to sleep, a pleasant and mercifully dreamless sleep.
A/N: A little bit of a short chapter-I split a chapter up because it was a little long and I felt it flowed and ended better if I split the chapter into two chapters. It's short but I hope you still liked it! Again I will keep you updated on when the next story in this series will be uploaded. As of now I don't know when that will be, I don't really have a set date in mind but in the last chapter I will let you all know what I've decided in regards to uploading the story...as well as what the title will be(I hope...still haven't thought one up yet). I am still open to suggestions for titles and I will be answering any questions you may have.
So as usual PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! I woul love to hear your thoughts and opinions, your questions and your concerns!
Next chapter on Thursday!
