Oh...Hi, it's been a while :)

Italics is what Edward has written in his journal.

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December 24th, 2014

I shouldn't have brought her a present. Why did I even think to buy her a present in the first place? She wouldn't accept it. She would probably incinerate it. But it reminded me so much of her. A dream catcher with brown beads like her eyes. Those eyes, such a light, and warm hazel color, that I often have to force myself to stop staring at them. At her. I should stop writing now before I end up sounding even more like the lovesick fool I am. I'll just put it with all the other presents I've been foolish enough to buy Bella over the years.

Me? He was writing about me, I thought for sure it was about Leah. He brought me presents over the years, but never gave them to me. Of course, he was worried about my reaction, before if Edward had brought me a present, I would have thrown it away in fear of it being a bomb. Knowing how he used to be, I wouldn't be surprised if he did give me a bomb for a present. This was a year ago, so I most likely would have incinerated them like Edward presumed.

Lovesick? I find it hard to believe that Edward was lovesick over me a year ago. Especially with the way he behaved towards me and vice versa. Yet here it is, in his own handwriting, as clear as day.

I leaned back, running a hand through my messy curls as I tried to piece all of this together. Reading on my eyes grew wider.

So... Edward cared for me. Each day he writes about his hidden feelings for me. Even if he acted like a complete unbearable dick to me, it wasn't real. He chose to act like he hated me because he didn't want to admit his true feelings.

I can see now why Leah was so pissed off with him after reading the first few entries. Everything seems to be about me. When he mentions Leah he simply mentions her or something they did together, but there's no feeling behind it.

I shut the journal, flabbergasted and I'm barely even halfway through at this point. But I couldn't read on, it was getting dark, and my eyes were beginning to blur as I strained to read through my sleepiness. So I keep the journal close by and let my questioning thoughts follow me into my dreams.

When I awoke I had more questions and an even bigger desire to solve the mystery. So as soon as I was awake enough to sit up, I reached numbly for the journal, to continue reading.

June 28th, 2015

Two years Bella and Jasper have been together now, taunting me and rubbing their relationship in my face. I thought it would be easier to be with Leah, maybe soften the blow a bit, but it still hurts. I did, however, get to see her at work, seeing her all hot and flustered as we teased each other was worth it. She even straddled me on the floor at one point, it was hard to restrain my self from showing my enjoyment. I think after all this time Leah is starting to suspect something. She asked me tonight why I only kiss her and act all lovey-dovey in front of people. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the real reason why.

Was he jealous of mine and Jaspers relationship? It seems a lot like he was from what he's written. It surprised me that he found our past arguments enjoyable. All I can recall is pure hatred whenever we fought. Confused and wanting to know more I read on, noting how he is beginning to write about his hatred towards Jasper. Oddly enough he hasn't expressed any hate towards me. In fact, he seemed to find some sick pleasure in me getting mad at him.

I continue. My eyes burning through the endless pages of him expressing his happiness in angering me. He really got some sick pleasure out of seeing me get pissed off at him so easily.

June 29th, 2015

Fuck, fuck, fuck... Leah was acting off all morning, and I had no idea why until Bella gave me that cryptic box at work. I didn't care about all the little things she gave back, it was only the note that mattered. Leah read my journal. She must of read it when I was asleep last night. Fuck- she knows, she knows about my feelings for Bella, she's going to tell her. Fuck!

June 30th, 2015

The last worry on my mind tonight is Leah, all I can think about is the fact that I nearly died tonight, and Bella along with me. Never would I have thought that a crappy supermarket in Forks would get robbed. Being held at gunpoint really puts things in life into perspective. And when we held hands, I was ready to die with her, because I knew I would be dying with the woman I love beside me. I can't deny it anymore, I love Bella Swan.

The journal fell out of my hands and I sat there with my jaw slack, and eyes wide. The words kept repeating themselves in my head, and I couldn't believe what I had just read. Edward is in love with me. Anger was the first thing to hit me, I couldn't believe that he has kept this from me for so long. But quickly that anger was diminished by an overwhelming surge of happiness.

Edward loved me... I sucked in a breath- grasping my face in between my hands while a smile stretched it's way across my face. I read the words again, and again, getting lost in my thoughts.

He's been in love with me for this long, and I never noticed. Of course, as I think back now I can remember the change in his attitude, but love? Maybe I'm just really oblivious.

July 1st, 2015

It's fair to say that Leah and I are officially over, especially after her flipping out on me at lunch. She offered to play along and pretend to date me even if I was in love with her sister, but I couldn't do that. It wasn't too bad when she didn't know my true intentions, but now I can't bare to pretend. It's not her that I want. Bella...she looked so frightened when I saw her at work, it took all the strength in me not to comfort her. Instead, I stopped being a dick to her and got on with my work. No doubt the nightmares will hit me again tonight.

Knowing that Edward went through the same pain as I did was comforting in a way. Maybe if we would have talked about it we could have comforted each other. It was a traumatic event that still haunts me in the back of my mind. I wonder if he still has nightmares even now?

July 6th, 2015

Jasper told me today all about his secret meetings with Alice. He's grown feelings for her. Of course, I got pissed off at him, not only has he got the girl of my dreams, but he's sneaking around with her best friend behind her back. Bella deserves someone so much better than him. So I told him to go for it with Alice. Maybe then I'll get Bella all to myself...

I slammed the journal shut, and dropped it onto the bed beneath me out of sudden anger.

He knew about Alice and Jasper, yet he never told me. A sick churning feeling rippled through the pit of my stomach. How can he say he loves me, then keep something like that from me? Not only that, he encouraged them on without even considering how I would feel about it.

I guess this is one of those selfish things that he warned me about.

July 13th, 2015

I kissed her. I kissed Bella, and it was the best moment of my life. But she didn't kiss me back, instead, I got a swift kick to my prized jewels. In my defense, I was out of my mind drunk from all the weight on my mind caused by Leah and Jasper drama. Drunk Edward thought with his dick, and by God did he want Bella. I can't seem to wipe the smile off my face, just remembering how my body lit up with such a powerful, overwhelming feeling. I'm willing to fight to feel that feeling again, but the next time, Bella will kiss me back.

I knew exactly what feeling he was talking about. Was that what love felt like? That powerful consuming feeling that begins in the pit of your stomach then erupts to every nerve cell in your body. I certainly don't recall any of Jasper kisses feeling that way, maybe the first kiss we had, but nothing compared to Edwards. Did that mean that I loved him?

July 15th, 2015

I remembered a childhood memory today. It was one of those family trips to the beach with the Swans, back when our families were really close. Even back then I had a stupid childish crush on Bella. But of course, she had to ruin it by only wanting to play with Jasper, she never wanted to play with me. To think I was jealous of my brother even as a kid is kind of pathetic when you think about it. But even now were older, she still only wants to play with Jasper. Maybe one day I'll be able to change her mind. If she ever stops hating me. The first step, apologize for kissing her, then for acting like a complete dick to her all these years.

I only wanted to play with Jasper after Edward joined in on humiliating me in preschool. I wet myself and he abandoned me, his supposedly best friend. He wasn't there for me, but Jasper was. Maybe if I hadn't of drank that extra juice cartoon our whole lives up until this point could have ended up differently.

To think a cartoon of juice had such a huge impact on my life, really makes me cautious of all the decisions that I'll make in the future.

The little things in life really do make a difference.

July 18th, 2015

I tried to convince Bella that she doesn't love Jasper like she thinks she does. Maybe that way she will break up with him, before he can hurt her. I'm still reeling over the fact that she didn't tell Jasper that we kissed- or that I kissed her to be more precise. I would have thought she would have told him, especially with how close they are. Jasper was in a really bad mood after Bella came over to tell him about what happened between Alice and Mike. I can see why. Just seeing Bella so upset about what happened to her best friend... I have to do something, maybe give him a shiner of his own and see how he likes it.

July 22nd, 2015

I gulped back the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach at the all too familiar date. The day everything changed. I was dreading having to read this part, I almost wanted to skip ahead, but a bigger part of me wanted to know what was going on through Edwards mind at the time since he was there right beside me through it all. With a deep breath, I begin to read.

Today was the big game between the wolves and vampires, and of course, the vampires won. At the after-party, I stopped that mutt Jacob Black from drooling over Bella. Everything was going amazing, we were talking, laughing, she was even smiling. Then I had to go and fuck things up. Being able to talk to her, seeing her smile it triggered something in me, and all I wanted in that moment was for her to be mine, and mine only, but my asshole of a brother was still lying to her. So I lured her over to where they were, I didn't even think about it hurting her, all I wanted was her to not be with my brother. I realized I fucked up when I saw her face. I'd never seen her so heartbroken and fragile before seeing them together. I hate myself for doing this to her. But I hate myself even more for being happy about it. How the fuck am I ever going to tell her now?

He took me to them- we didn't merely stumble across them like I thought this whole time. No, he purposefully made me walk down that beach knowing full well what was going on. With my mouth agape, my body goes through conflicting emotions. For one I would have never found out about Jasper and Alice until one of them told me. I could have been strung along for God knows how many more months if that didn't happen. But in the same way, wouldn't it have been less painful for one of them to tell me then to have seen them the way I did.

Because when it comes down to it, it was the part I witnessed that hurt the most. Seeing them with my own eyes, finding out in that way. That hurt the most, having the image of them replaying over and over again in my mind. Unable to escape it.

July 23rd, 2015

I was apprehensive going to work today, especially after the way I Ieft things with Bella. Jasper and I got into a fight once he came home, which ended in Alice crying and Jasper getting a door slammed in his face. He blames me, but in the end, it was him who decided to cheat. I got the amazing idea when I got to the shop to help Bella out of her sad state. Vodka- Bella is certainly a fun drunk, up until the point of her throwing up. She fell asleep in my car, and I just sat in her driveway for a while watching her sleep. She looked so beautiful. I carried her up to her room, and it looked just like I thought it would, and it smelled heavily of freesia, just like Bella.

July 24th, 2015

Today was undoubtedly hard for Bella, returning back to school and having to deal with seeing Jasper and Alice again. But on the other hand, it was the most time I've ever spent with Bella. We actually talked and realized our problems. Somehow we agreed to be friends. It felt so right having her by my side at the lunch table. She didn't even realize how much my heart was racing all because her thigh was pressed up against mine. Everything was okay till Tyler had to bring up the fucking dance. Bella freaked out and I looked for her everywhere after school, only to find that she was already at the shop before me for once. When she brought up going out together instead I tried to hold back from giving an overreaction by joking about it, and blowing it off like it wasn't a big deal. Let's just say I may have had a permanent smile on my face that night.

I can't believe Edward was hiding his feelings from me this whole time. Not once did I think he could have those feelings towards me.

Yet he did.

He loved me for god sake. He's been in love with me for months and he never said a word to me.

I drop the journal not able to continue reading at this point, and as soon as I let go of it I slump onto my back, burying my face in my hands. I release a deep breath that has been dying to be let out since starting to read this.

My emotions were so mixed at this point. I hated Edward for what he did, he led me to Jasper and Alice, and he did it all for himself. But if he didn't I don't think Jasper or Alice would have ever told me. I still could have been dating him now, while he went behind my back with my best friend.

Then there's the part where he lied to me for years, pretending to hate me. Didn't he realize that some of the things he said and did really hurt me and caused me pain? All of this could have been avoided if he would have just told me. Yes, I hated him, but he should have talked to me about it.

I groaned rolling over onto my stomach and feeling it moan in protest. I haven't done anything but sit here reading this journal, I'm surprised nobody has come up to check on me. I could've been dead for all they care.

Trying to push back everything I just learned, I focus on my hunger. Slipping on some sweats I don't bother to brush my hair or teeth. Stumbling my way ungracefully down the stairs, I drag my feet into the kitchen noticing my mother at her usual spot at the kitchen table. Her head slowly raises when I enter and her eyes grow noticeably wider.

"Whats wrong dear?" She immediately asks standing up.

"Nothings wrong, Mom, I'm just really hungry." On que, my stomach rumbles loudly...embarrassingly loudly.

"I thought you were at the Cullens house this whole time. Thank god there's some dinner left over, I'll heat it up for you," Mom offers, immediately standing up and getting to work.

I smile. "Thanks, Mom."

Dragging my feet towards the living room I stop dead in my tracks when I see Leah sprawled out on the couch. A bored expression on her face as she flicks through tv shows, her arm hanging off the couch. I bit my lip, stalling in the doorway deciding whether or not I should talk to her about the journal. I don't want Leah to hate me, but I feel like after what she read she already blames me for her and Edwards break up. And I don't want her to think like that.

Sucking in a deep breath I make my way towards her.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey." Leah sighs, still flicking through the channels.

Lifting up her legs I take a seat on the couch, allowing her legs to rest on top of my lap. Leah glances at me for a second before looking back at the tv. How do I begin? Where do I begin? This is going to be a touchy subject and I'm not very good with serious conversations, especially with Leah. But I feel like recently our relationship has grown stronger. I see her more as a sister now than before when she just used to be my annoying step sister who lives with us.

"Can we talk about something?" I ask, playing with the hemline of her jeans.

I can't look at her when I bring this up. I'm pretty sure there's going to be hurt on her face when I make her talk about her and Edwards past.

"Sure, there's nothing on tv anyway." She huffs, I hear the controller being put down.

"Right, okay..." I take a deep breath. "Well, Edward and I got into a bit of an argument... which ended with him giving me his journal."

There's an awkward silence that follows, forcing me to look up at Leah who is watching me with a blank expression.

"So you've read it then?" She finally questions, her face not giving anything away.

"Yes."

Leah sighs at this, sitting up straighter so were facing each other. I sit there worried for a second waiting for something bad to happen.

"Now you understand why I broke up with him. He never wanted me, I was the second choice because he couldn't have you," She pointed out, there was a hint of anger behind her words but mostly her face was blank.

She almost looked bored of the topic.

"I hope you know I didn't have any part in this, I didn't mean to come between your relationship-"

"Bella stop right there, I don't blame you. I'm actually glad I found out how I did, there was always something off about Edward and I being together. It just felt... wrong at times. Almost like we were never supposed to be together. And now I see why. You two were meant for each other, and I'm not the only one who's noticed it." Leah grinned at this, sending me a wink.

I managed a very weak smile in response.

Leah picked up on this. "Wait, whats that face for?"

My fingers picked and pulled at the fabric of her pants unable to contain my nerves. I always seem to fidget in stressful situations. Maybe I got this trait from Charlie? I know he plays with his mustache a lot when he's in deep thought. Or maybe I got it from Renee-

"Bella?" Leah asks, her voice thick with worry.

Oh, right, I zoned out again.

I lower my head. "That wasn't the only thing I read. He knew about Alice and Jasper. He even told Jasper to keep seeing Alice behind my back. And then when it came to the party, he led me over to where they were so I would see them. Just because he wanted me all to himself." I explained, sadness evident in my voice.

"Ugh, goddammit," She hissed, sliding her legs off me, so she can sit up.

Leah buries her hands deep in her raven hair, gripping it tightly between her fingers as she leans forward.

"Bella? Dinners ready for you." Mom calls out from the kitchen, and my hunger spurs me to immediately stand up.

Leah's hand wraps around my wrist stopping me from moving any further.

"I never thought Edward would go that far, especially when it ended up hurting you like that. But it certainly proves one thing, and that is that he is madly in love with you Bella. I hope you realize how lucky you are to be loved in that way." She tells me, releasing her grip on me.

I don't say a word. Exiting the room with her words echo in the back of my mind.

I've certainly got a lot to think about before I decide where this leaves mine and Edwards relationship.

A/N

Well, it's been a couple months hope you didn't miss me too much... Uni is a lot harder than expected, and on top of that, I've had no inspiration to write until recently. This chapter was pretty hard to write and I'm not 100% happy with how it turned out- but I won't make you wait any longer otherwise I'll end up never posting.

So I hope you enjoyed, leave a review if your feeling friendly ;)

What did you think was going to be inside the journal?