A/N: Wow, I'm actually posting two updates in one day: this one and a new chapter for my "Waiting" story (which is under my Windchimed M-Stories username). Anyway, thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, and to my wonderful beta reader, Rosalie!
Chapter 50: Peter – Acknowledgements
(December 1, Year 10: Peter is 27, Tris is 26, Tobias is 28, and Abigail is 3 ½ months old)
I know I need tonight's support session. The old agitated energy has been coursing through me lately, making me itch to hit someone. I don't even seem to care if I get hit back – something I realized halfway through trying to start that stupid bar fight last week. Good thing it's hard to start fights in the UCA, or Anna would have been even more pissed at me….
Today's meeting is in one of Erudite's large conference rooms – the kind that Max used when revving us up back in the Civil War. I don't particularly like the reminder. It makes me think of Dad dying in the Candor ranks, and of how I betrayed him and half the rest of the city. It also makes me remember walking the Stiff through the hallways to and from her torture sessions. Given everything she and Four did for me after that, it's hard not to feel a little guilty about the way I treated her, even if I did save her life afterwards.
The group accumulates slowly, as usual. The Erudite are always prompt, so we'll start right on time, which means those of us who travel here from other parts of the city have to get here early or risk being late. And you get dirty looks if you walk in partway through a meeting.
Four nods at me when he arrives, just a few minutes before starting time, and I nod back. The guy looks tired, but I suppose having a baby will do that to you. He seems to be handling it okay, though, since he hasn't confessed anything about wanting to hit the kid.
I make a point of greeting Kevin when he comes in, and of letting him know that I need to talk to him afterwards. With how aggressive I've been feeling lately, there's no doubt I'll want extra time with my sponsor tonight. He agrees affably enough before going over to talk to Four, and I watch the two of them for a bit.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would have been like if Four had agreed to be my sponsor. I still think I was right to ask him, since he was the only person here I knew, but overall, it's probably better that he turned me down. I know how to push his buttons a little too well, and that wouldn't have helped either of us. Kevin, on the other hand, doesn't let me get away with anything. He's an annoying turd that way, but it's why I'm here, after all.
Besides, Four would have decked me at least once by now, I'm sure. He's not exactly the world's most forgiving guy, despite all the rhetoric in group, and part of him will always hate me for what I did to his wife.
If I'm honest, I deserve it.
Kevin is the senior member tonight, so he opens the session, standing at the front and stomping his foot twice to get everyone's attention. The group is a lot better than the Dauntless about shutting up quickly.
"Before we start sharing," he announces, "we have a special milestone to honor." It's not uncommon to have those, mostly for one-month points, though I celebrated a year last month. He smiles as he looks at Four. "Tobias joined this program ten years ago, and he deserves our recognition tonight."
The reaction is strong, compared with the usual polite clapping that goes with these things. Four must have helped a lot of people over the years for them to react this way – or maybe it's just that we don't see ten-year points often. Regardless, I join in with the loud applause as he makes his way to the front of the room, glancing at the rest of us before facing Kevin.
Kevin, however, continues to address the audience. "For anyone who has been living under a rock for the last decade, let me tell you a little about Tobias' role in stopping abuse. Just over ten years ago, he broadcast a message to what was then the New United States of America. We here in this city are the only ones who didn't hear it, so it is difficult for us to imagine the impact it had."
He meets Four's gaze for a moment before turning back to us. "He broadcast what all of us in this room have lived. He showed the entire population the pain of being abused, and of watching someone we love be abused. And then he showed them the reality of crossing that line. He made them feel the guilt that all of us know – that horrible moment of seeing our reflection in the eyes of someone we hurt, and of realizing that we have become the person we swore we never would."
His voice is fierce, and he takes a deep breath before continuing. "That message changed the world outside this city to a degree you will never understand unless you travel there. But I saw it for myself some seven months later, and I talked with people who lived there before and after that change." He shakes his head as if he doesn't know how to convey that experience, and he searches the audience before his eyes lock with mine.
"Peter, you spend half your time there, so you tell us. How much of a problem has abuse been outside this city since the broadcast?"
I hate being put on the spot. I always have. So, I stare down at my lap while I decide what to say. My instinct is to be sarcastic, as I usually am, but the truth is…I can't deny the impact of Four's broadcast. What Kevin is saying is completely true. Maybe even an understatement.
"There's basically no abuse there anymore," I finally answer. "People don't let it happen."
An outbreak of muttering spreads through the room, and I hear someone ask why Tobias didn't do the same thing here.
It's an ignorant question, and I find myself snapping at whoever said it. "We're too resistant to the serum." Rolling my eyes, I continue, "That was the whole purpose of this city, if you recall – to develop people that the Suggestibility Serum doesn't affect. So no, he couldn't do the same thing here."
My annoyed glare meets Dave's, and I realize that he was the one who spoke. It figures. He's a typical Dauntless meathead. But I try to push my temper down the way Kevin teaches, and I add more calmly, "I heard the broadcast, but I still ended up here. You'd all be the same way if you heard it."
It's not quite true, since some of them are more resistant than others, but it's close enough. A broadcast wouldn't be enough to change any of them the way they need.
"Peter's right," Four calls over the remaining mutters. "I gave the broadcast, and I still ended up here." He gives a self-deprecating shrug. "Those of us in the city have to do things the long, hard way."
There's silence at that, and Kevin clears his throat before resuming his interrupted speech. "That leads me to what Tobias has done in this group. In the course of his ten years, he has sponsored eleven people, seven of whom are still in the program. That is an outstanding success ratio."
A smattering of applause greets the words, and Kevin gives a small smile. "In addition to that, he has helped many of you through your personal struggles." The applause is louder this time, and I know that everyone agrees with him. People hang on what Four says during sharing, and on his advice, particularly since he's one of the lucky few who got back together with his ex thanks to the program.
Kevin addresses Four directly for the next part. "Tobias, you have been an inspiration and a role model to this entire group, as well as a hell of a sponsee." Chuckles pop up around the room at that. "I am very proud to present you with this token of acknowledgement."
There's some type of silent exchange between the two before Four takes the metal coin from his sponsor. Kevin grins as he pulls his sponsee into a quick hug, thumping his back while the group cheers.
The chanting starts almost immediately. "Speech, speech, speech."
Four nods in response, looking less stone-faced than usual as he turns to us. "It's only fair to tell you that I hated this group at first." There's a collective laugh, which increases when he adds, "As I suspect most of you can understand." There's no denying that – we all wish we'd never ended up here.
"I hated that I'd hurt someone I loved. I hated that I could feel my father's blood flowing through my veins. I hated that whenever I even tried to think about the future, all I could picture was my past."
His gaze roams the group. "I wanted to deny that all of that was true, and to pretend that I could just be with my girlfriend and be okay. And never hit her again." A sad smile lifts one corner of his mouth. "The same way most of you want to think that."
His eyes find me and stay there. "But someone told me that I was kidding myself, and that what happened wasn't a fluke." The words surprise me, because I know he's talking about our conversation back in that Philadelphia hospital years ago. It's the first time he's ever mentioned it. "And deep down, I knew he was right."
There's a pause while he continues to stare at me, nodding slowly in acknowledgement. And gradually it sinks in that he's grateful for what I said that day. I had always assumed that it was one more thing he held against me, but apparently not.
"That was one of the harshest realities I've ever had to accept, but I will always be glad for where it led. Because if I hadn't joined this group, and if I hadn't stuck with it no matter how much I didn't want to, there is no way I would have the life I do now."
He shakes his head, his expression somewhat awed. "I have a wife, and a daughter, and I'm able to trust myself to be with them. That means everything to me. And it never would have been possible without this group." His gesture includes the entire room.
"So, to those of you who wonder if it's all worth it, the answer is yes. Absolutely, unambiguously, yes. Take this program seriously. Commit yourself to it. And someday you will be standing here saying the same thing."
The side of his mouth quirks into a smile. "Even if you drive your sponsor nuts during your first year."
Kevin laughs, but he applauds with the rest of us as Four returns to his seat. He's clearly still in a good mood as he says, "All right, who wants to share first?"
Everyone else has left by the time I make my way over to Kevin and Four, who are talking with the other two senior members. I'd rather not interrupt them, but I still need some time with Kevin tonight, and I ought to talk to Four about the UCA's upcoming celebration, too.
"At least he didn't go into his fear landscape afterwards," Kevin says through a round of deep laughter, giving Four a good-natured clap on the back. Judging by the red on Four's face, he must have done that at some point.
Brian shakes his head disbelievingly as he chuckles, too. "No, I suppose it was slightly better than that." He turns more serious when he catches sight of me standing there awkwardly. "Which one of us are you after?"
"Them." I point to both Four and Kevin. "But separately."
Four frowns a little. "I have to get home," he declares. "You can walk with me if you want to talk now, or we can set something up for later."
"Now's fine," I answer, shrugging nonchalantly. It could wait, too, but part of me wants to do it while he's in the mood to acknowledge that I helped him once.
Kevin's gaze moves between us somewhat warily, probably assessing if we'll end up in a fight. But I guess he decides to trust us, because he finally tells me, "Come by my apartment afterwards if you still need to talk to me."
So, Four and I end up walking through the cold night toward his Kaizen faction.
"There's another ten year anniversary coming up, you know," I start as I pull my collar up around my face in an attempt to block the bitter wind. "Our office is supposed to help with the UCA's big celebration."
Four nods, obviously knowing where I'm going with this, but he lets me finish anyway. "They still want to give us medals, so I'm supposed to try to get you all to go."
"My answer is the same as for the fifth anniversary," Four says firmly. "We all go, or none of us do. So, it depends on Amar."
I sigh. Anna warned me it would come down to this, but it's my job to try anyway.
"You could bring his medal back to him. Isn't that better than him not getting one at all?"
But Four shakes his head. "I'm not going to exclude him. He deserves the honor more than any of the rest of us do, and you know it. We'll wait for him to be well enough to go with us."
"And what if that never happens?" I snap, frustrated with his stubbornness.
His answer is to glare at me. "If you'd bothered to check on him before talking to me, you'd know that he's far better than he was. He works an outside job now, and we only do the therapy as a precaution. He almost never actually needs it these days."
That surprises me, and I purse my lips thoughtfully. "So, do you think he'll be ready for the celebration, then? It's still over nine months away."
He lets out a long sigh, running a hand up the back of his neck. "I don't know. Maybe…. I'll talk to the faction about it and let you know."
The words have a familiar ring of dismissal, and I can't resist calling him on it. "The last time you said something like that, you turned me down. If that's what you're doing this time, just say it."
He stops walking and faces me, his expression mixed. "Peter, I did seriously consider sponsoring you. I really did. But we both know why it would have been a bad idea." He holds my gaze for a second. "You need a sponsor who can view you consistently, and give you credit when you deserve it. Not someone who constantly struggles between the good you've done and…the Chasm."
He sighs again, looking away, before adding, "For what it's worth…I do appreciate some of the other things you've done. It might even have been enough to outweigh the bad if you'd done that to someone else." He gives a wry half-smile as he shakes his head a little. "But it was Tris…."
It's a harsh reality, knowing that he still views me based on what I did a decade ago, and I find myself wanting to squirm out of it somehow.
"If you hate everyone who ever hurt her," I end up asking, "then how did you forgive yourself, or Caleb?"
His laugh is bitter. "You don't really think I did, do you?" He raises a disbelieving eyebrow. "I'll probably always struggle with that. But even so, the intent was different. Caleb was drugged, and I let the heat of the moment get to me when I was fighting my father. That doesn't justify what I did by any means, but it's still very different from what you did."
He eyes me, his expression hardening. "Peter, you tried to kill her just because she outranked you. And you treated her like shit through the entire rest of the training, when she never did anything to you at all. That's…." He shakes his head again. "I don't know how to forgive that."
We're silent as his words sink all the way through me. I don't even know why they bother me so much. Maybe it's because if a former Stiff can't forgive me, then I must be unforgivable.
Eventually, he says quietly, "But thank you for saving her life later. And for what you did on the mission. And for getting me to leave her." He manages a small smile. "Whether or not I like it, I owe you a lot."
The comment takes me back years, to hiding under the stairs in an abandoned building as I explained why I rescued Tris from Erudite. Because I owed her.
The memory makes me shake my head. "I don't go by that philosophy anymore." It was how I lived for a long time – only helping others if I owed them or if I wanted something from them – but it didn't hold up once I got out into the bigger world. There, it just made me miserable, and I had plenty of that in my life already.
"Good," Four says simply. With that, we're silent again, until he eventually turns to leave. "I really will talk to the others," he adds over his shoulder, "and I'll let you know about the awards ceremony."
Something tugs at me as I watch him walk away. As if this is my only chance to make him see me differently. It shouldn't really matter if he does, but I guess maybe part of me still thinks of him as a role model. He's been through most of the same things I have, but he's certainly come through them better. I should learn from that.
"Four, wait!" I call after him. The street is empty enough for him to hear me, and I watch as he stiffens before turning back to face me. I catch up to him quickly, afraid that he'll leave if I don't.
"I do regret it," I admit, my heart hammering with the words. It's the first time I've acknowledged that. "Not…you know, the good stuff. But the way I treated her." I stare at my feet. "It was wrong."
It takes him a while to answer. "Yeah, it was," he finally states.
It's not an encouraging response, and it's followed by a silence that threatens to drag on forever. It shouldn't surprise me. I don't even know what I'm hoping to gain from this.
I'm about to walk away when he adds, "If it makes you feel any better, Tris forgave you." My head jerks up sharply, and I stare at him, surprised. I knew she'd moved on from all of it a long time ago, and that she found a way to work with me. But I didn't think she'd actually forgiven me. It feels startlingly good to hear that.
"She did?"
He nods, evaluating me – though I don't know for what. Whatever he sees makes the side of his mouth twitch, and he reaches forward, patting me on the shoulder almost kindly. "Tell you what, Peter. When you hit your ten-year point in the program, let's have this conversation again. Maybe I'll have figured out how to forgive all of us by then."
It's clearly the best he can offer, and I find myself smiling a little as I agree.
It's not until I'm almost back at Kevin's that I realize the aggressive energy I've been struggling with all month is gone. In its place, there's a strange sort of feeling I'm not sure I recognize. If I had to give it a name, I think I'd call it hope.
A/N: Hopefully, Peter's POV worked. I never expected to write in it, but it kind of called out to me. Anyway, please let me know what you thought of it!
