Usual disclaimer...

Thank you again for all your honest comments and follows and favorites, despite the not so happy chapters I'm currently posting. You have all good and valid points!

A big thank you also goes out to my beta Nicole aka Diannasbacon. She is with me now for over 50 chapters and is doing a gread job!


Chapter 51

The next morning after the ride home with Puck from Lima, Rachel woke up with a headache. Glancing into the bathroom mirror, she found her eyes looking red and puffy. Then she remembered the nightmare she had. Something about Quinn and someone dying, but she could not remember who. She did recall waking up crying, however.

Her mind couldn't be more fucked up. Instead of forgetting, her head conjured up more dramatic and wild scenarios involving Quinn. Just what she needed.

She splashed some cold water onto her face before she went into the shower.

On her way back into the bedroom to get dressed, she stumbled across the box with Quinn's letters. Her hand twitched to lift the lid, but she managed to control the impulse. With her foot, she nudged the box lightly until it slid under her bed and out of her sight.

After a moment of hesitation, she knelt down and pulled it out again. She lifted the cover and closed her eyes while her right hand dug into the papers.

She did not intent to read one. Not now. Not soon.

She just … had to… she did not know why she did that, actually. Shaking her head, she pulled her hand back and closed the box. Her hands rested a moment on the smooth surface before she pushed it back under the bed, though not as far back as before.

Then she stood up and slowly walked to the closet to choose her outfit for the day.

Twenty minutes later, she was bundled up in warm clothes and ready to leave her apartment to meet Lauren.

Lauren had invited Rachel to her home for breakfast instead of meeting at the café. Somehow she had the feeling that they might be discussing some private things. Not that many people would have understood their conversation in sign language, but this seemed to be the better solution. She honestly told Rachel that she felt as if the brunette needed to vent some frustration and that it might be better to do that in a private place rather than in public.

Rachel had hesitated at first, but then agreed. Re-reading the text she had sent Lauren, she noticed that it indeed held an air of desperation and she had made it clear she wanted to talk about certain things.

Debating whether to catch a cab or take public transportation, she chose the subway – still somewhat reluctantly - and got off after three stops. Lauren did not live too far away, but the weather wasn't really inviting for a stroll through the city, otherwise Rachel might have walked. The cold air probably would have helped to clear some of her thoughts, she mused while she looked for her friend's building. Rachel remembered what Lauren had told her about herself when they were texting over the phone the past days.

Lauren shared a three bedroom apartment with her boyfriend, Max. They had moved in together a year ago after dating for almost two years, as Lauren later told her. They had met at the school where she took sign language classes. He coached a group of teenagers twice a week playing basketball. Their paths had crossed in the school's secretary office.

Lauren had been frustrated beyond measure that day by her whole situation. Max had just pulled her outside, pressed a basketball into her hands and told her to start playing. At first she had half-heartedly thrown the ball at the basket, but after a few passes she got more determined and before she knew it, she and Max were engaged in a competitive game that left them sweaty and exhausted. and in Lauren's case, calmer and less frustrated than before. They agreed to meet again the next day and the rest is history, as they say Lauren had written in one of her messages.

Lauren greeted her warmly at the door and pulled Rachel in for a hug.

Hey, good to see you again! She then signed, mouthing the words in parallel.

Rachel nodded and answered in the same way. Yes, I'm glad to see you as well. How are you?

Good, enjoying some time for myself with Max gone for a couple of days. Come in, make yourself comfortable. Breakfast is almost ready.

Rachel held out a bag. Here, I brought the bagels and croissants. And… she, opened her bag and pulled out a glass with a lid which she also placed into her friend's hands … some home-made raspberry jam. My dads made it. Hope you like it. Thanks for inviting me here.

Lauren indicated with her head to move into the other room. Rachel followed Lauren into the living room where the table was already set with a variety of delicious looking breakfast choices.

The black haired woman placed the bag and the jam on the table before she could answer, with her hands free.

Glad you came. Thanks for the bagels and the jam. I love raspberries!

Then she poked her thumb over her shoulder. I'll just get the coffee.

Rachel nodded and while she waited for the other woman to come back, she took in her surroundings. She would have liked to meet Max, but he was still visiting with his family. He was coming back the next day.

The apartment was nicely decorated. It had the same dark hardwood floors as hers. The walls were painted in a light vanilla color that gave off the warm tone of the honey colored wooden furniture. Rachel looked around and found a stereo with quite an impressive selection of CDs in one corner. She felt intrigued and almost got up to take a look at it when she remembered her own vow.

Quickly, she turned away and clenched her teeth at the familiar pang in her heart.

Damn. Hold it together, she told herself.

She knew from Lauren that Max was not completely deaf, but hard of hearing. That probably explained the stereo and the music collection.

Seeing her friend enter out of the corner of her eye, Rachel lifted her head and tried a brave smile.

Need any help? She asked Lauren.

The black haired woman shook her head.

All done. Here is the coffee and some tea – I wasn't sure what you preferred. Help yourself and let me know if you need anything else.

Rachel nodded gratefully.

The two women settled comfortably around the table and started piling some food on their plates. Rachel noticed more than once that she was close to saying something while her hands were busy spreading jam on her bagel. It had become such an easy habit being around hearing people that she had to remind herself in the beginning that Lauren could not hear her.

It was an interesting experience; in a way.

She noticed the other woman waving to get her attention.

So, what's up? You look like you had no sleep last night, if I may be honest. Did something happen?

Rachel tilted her head shortly to one side before answering.

Yes, you can say that. But I honestly feel really bad to push my drama into focus when this is our first meeting since we got to know each other at the club. How were your holidays?

Lauren chuckled.

Ok. I get what you're trying to do. Fine. I'll distract you for a moment, but then we'll come back to you. My life has been pretty uneventful so far, she smiled. My holidays were good. We had a nice family gathering for Christmas with some pleasant surprises and some familiar awkward moments. First we celebrated with my family, then we went to Max's family. He's staying there until tomorrow. So all in all it was ok.

Rachel was curious by something Lauren had mentioned.

What kind of surprises and awkward moments? She knew she could definitely relate, having experienced some of her own.

Oh, you know, the usual moments where people pretend that nothing is wrong with you as long as they ignore you. I have a cousin who is well versed in that behavior. I was really hurt over the past years by her behavior, but this year I just didn't let it get to me anymore and stopped pretending I was okay with the way she acted around me. I confronted her over dinner one evening. Then she had no other choice but to finally acknowledge me. Luckily, my sister sat next to her and helped to interpret. We had a good fight with the whole family looking back and forth between us. Lauren laughed in retrospect. It must have seemed like a verbal tennis match.

She sobered again. It wasn't the kind of conversation and situation I would have preferred, but at least we were finally talking to each other.

Rachel had to ask once in between for Lauren to slow down. She could follow most of the signs, but sometimes she still got lost at the speed of her friend's signing. Also she noticed that her own signing was a little slower than Lauren's. Since she spoke most of the time, she had not practiced that much. That she would change, she vowed. Even though others could hear did not mean she had to stop signing along her words. After all, this was how she "heard" words, even it were only her own while speaking, and even if she still heard her voice in her mind.

Did you and your cousin manage to make up somehow?

The dark haired woman nodded.

Yes. That was one of the pleasant surprises. Once I understood what had bothered her so much about my condition, we were able to talk about it. After dinner, I mean. She just felt insecure and never had the courage to approach me. All the insecurity had accumulated and led so far that she tried to avoid me completely, just to not get into the situation of having to communicate with me somehow.

Lauren tilted her head and shrugged slightly, thinking about that evening before she continued.

It would be too soon to say that we have become friends again, but at least we were able to tell each other how we both felt in this situation since I became deaf. I didn't want to push her, I was just glad that I had the courage to speak about what was bothering me and that she had the same courage to tell me about her feelings. We'll see how well can we get along in the future.

The last remark made Rachel curious how Lauren's family had adapted to her condition.

Do you get along well with the rest of your family and friends?

Lauren shrugged again.

Well, most were shocked in the beginning, of course. No one thought that having a simple cold could have such devastating consequences. It all started with a simple ear ache which I ignored for too long. Anyway, luckily for me, my parents adapted quite well at learning sign language, same with my sister. Other family members are rather slow at it. Since we don't see each other that often, they somehow don't see the need…

Rachel nodded. "Hmhm." I get that. It was kind of the same with my dads. And your friends?

That's where you find you who your real friends are, I guess.

Lauren looked pensively at her half eaten Bagel.

Out of six or seven who I had thought were real good friends, only one put in the time to be there for me, to try to understand me. With the others, our contact slowly but surely broke off. But one person who I thought was just an acquaintance; she and I became really good friends. That was a surprise.

Lauren glanced at Rachel. You are lucky with your friends! So… Enough about me, now it's your turn. What's eating at you?

To her own surprise, Rachel got up and walked over to the CDs. She skimmed the titles and smiled at the different music styles. Feeling Lauren's eyes on her she turned around, a 'Two Steps from Hell' CD in her hand. She loved their music. They were famous for composing music for movie trailers and their tracks often varied from Irish lyrics to swelling choruses to a quiet violin. Looking back from the cover to the other woman, she asked:

Does it ever get better? At all?

What? Missing the music?

Rachel nodded.

Lauren looked at her for a moment before giving her an honest answer.

No. I mean, the whole communication stuff – yes. Especially if you have friends and family who support you. But music and all the other beautiful sounds… no, I never stopped missing them.

She threw an apologetic smile at Rachel. Lauren wished she could tell her something else, knowing where the question came from. Having a musical background, this must have been harder on Rachel than it was on herself.

Rachel pressed her lips together and nodded once. It did not come as a surprise. Still, she had hoped… that Lauren would say something different, something that would give her hope to find her peace with the whole situation.

She walked back to the table and sat down.

"I thought so." She felt the tears threaten to spill and blinked. Looking at her hands that stayed motionless on the surface of the table, she whispered: "I'm not sure I can do it."

Lauren tilted her head, trying to get Rachel's attention with her eyes.

When the brunette did not react, she tapped her on the arm lightly. Rachel looked up, startled.

Care to repeat that? I didn't get what you just said.

The petite woman shook her head. Not important.

Judging from the look on your face, it was. So… care to repeat it? Lauren coaxed gently.

Rachel sighed and got up again, pacing back and forth behind her chair. Lauren patiently followed her friend with her eyes. When the brunette seemed to have collected her thoughts, she stopped and faced the other woman.

Lauren, I'm not sure I can do this. This whole… deaf thing. I tried; I really tried. But I'm so…. So worn out, so empty, so …lost. I have no idea where I belong in this world anymore. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that Broadway was my home. Music was my home; my life. But now… I don't have a life anymore; I don't have a home anymore.

Lauren got up and walked around the table to stand closer to Rachel. What she was about to say was important. It was not going to make it any easier for Rachel, but she had to understand and she needed absolute honesty. Slowly, Lauren lifted her hands and started signing.

Rachel, no one said it was going to be easy. It's been a little over three years for me and I'm still struggling. Some days are better, some are worse. Slowly but surely, I notice that the good days outnumber the bad ones. I completely understand where you are coming from at the moment. I've been there. But you have such wonderful friends; you even found love to help you through all this. It took me a long time to find friends, besides the two I have mentioned before. Even now, my former best friend only knows how to sign rudimentarily and most of my family doesn't even bother at all.

She looked at Rachel with imploring eyes.

I can only guess how hard it must be for you, coming from the show business, being a star on Broadway even. If I still miss just listening to music, I cannot begin to understand how you must feel in that regard. But I know one thing. You need to find another purpose in your life. And I know that from there, it will get better. But until you do, I will not let you off the hook. Neither I nor your other friends, I'm sure. Do you understand that?

She grabbed Rachel by the arms and held her firmly, forcing her to look her in the eyes.

Lauren meant every word she had said.

She totally understood Rachel. But she also knew that Rachel needed people to keep her going. Because Rachel Berry was not finished with the world yet and Lauren would do anything to make that clear to her new friend.

Lauren repeated her question when she did not receive an answer.

Do you understand that?

Rachel shook her head and lifted her shoulders. Why? Why do you care so much? You hardly know me.

Why does it matter how long you know someone to care? I see how hard you are struggling with your situation. I have been there. I can help you get through this. You just have to let me help you. Me and your other friends. And Quinn.

Rachel flinched at the name.

Well, my other friends…Again, Rachel shook her head and then laid her cards on the table. I broke up with Quinn.

"You what?" Lauren was too stunned to sign. After a moment, she lifted her hands.

Why? What happened? Jesus, no wonder you look so distraught.

Lauren guided her friend back to the table.

After sipping some tea, Rachel told Lauren her experiences during the days she had spent at home and what had finally led to her running away from the school grounds.

The dark haired woman studied her for a long time after she had finished. She knew personally how hard it was to get used to not being able to hear in a hearing world, but she could not fathom how difficult it must have been for Rachel.

It was brave of her to stay at the reunion in the beginning, and it was wonderful that her friends had thought of the Imagine song.

But she admitted that she could understand why Rachel ran away later. It was only natural to take yourself out of situations that would just drain all your energy, leaving you frustrated, exhausted and hurt.

Leaving Quinn though, despite her profession, was something else entirely. You just couldn't ignore your heart. No matter how hard or difficult the circumstances, the longing and the love would not give you any peace.

Lauren had been surprised when she got to know Rachel's friends and girlfriend. She did not often see people so committed to someone and adapted to someone's need to such a degree. They had been very considerate and gentle with Rachel. They had nudged her to the right degree, but still thought about how she could enjoy the evening as well.

After all this, did Rachel really want to shut herself off from the hearing world as much as possible now? Lauren had a few friends who did that, who did not have any contact with hearing people, who worked in the deaf community, who had deaf friends and family members. It was a closed system and worked well on its own, but made it so much more difficult for them if they had to break out of their close knit circle.

She asked Rachel how she and Quinn had met and after hesitating shortly, Rachel told her the whole story, starting with high school and finishing with the Glee Club meeting. Somehow it was not as painful as it was a relief to tell the whole story to someone who didn't know her and Quinn from before.

Wow, Rachel that sounds like a story from the soap opera digest, Lauren commented at one point.

Rachel smiled sadly. Tell the writers to find a better ending, ok? She countered.

Rachel, honestly, I mean, it's all your decision, but I have never – never – met anyone who was so committed, in love and willing to adapt to someone who is deaf as Quinn. I get the whole thing about her being a singer on Broadway. That must be really hard for you. But putting that aside, will you throw everything that your heart desires away? Will you rather suffer in more pain and loneliness than necessary? You should reconsider that decision.

Rachel slowly moved her head from left to right. "No." No. I have been thinking about this for the past month.

Ok, then tell me that you did not have one good moment at Quinn's concert. Or at the club. Or at the museum or when you two spend time together. I don't buy that, Rachel. And don't tell me it would have been better if you could hear. Yeah, I get that. But you don't have that choice. You have to face what is real. And the reality is that you are deaf.

Lauren pronounced each sign slowly and deliberately. She almost expected Rachel to flinch.

You have come to the point where you notice that there will not be any further improvement. That you will have to make do with what you've got now. Sign language, feeling sounds through vibrations, reading lips, reading body languages, getting lost in large groups and missing out on a lot of things. I know it is hard. But you have so many people around you who care, who pull you along at your own speed; that is a rare gift, Rachel. I've said it before, it was much harder for me to find friends again, and it took me a lot longer to let myself be loved again by another person. Max was pretty frustrated in the beginning. Ask him, if you have a chance.

Rachel wanted to say something, but Lauren held up her hand.

Rachel, I'm not saying it is easy. But it will get better. And hiding yourself in the deaf world, trying to ignore anything else that is out there, will only let you live half a life. Don't get me wrong. For some people it might just be the best and I don't judge that, but you… She paused for a moment. … you belong out there. Your homes are in both worlds, just as mine are. We might have to perceive it differently now, but we still belong in both worlds. Don't deny yourself that right. And don't ever deny yourself love.

Rachel closed her eyes. She felt her heart beating as if it was telling her to truly listen to those words.

She knew she would never love someone as much as she loved Quinn. But the source of that love was also the source of her greatest pain. It was not something that Quinn had done. It was just the circumstances that they were caught in.

But wasn't it just that? If she loved Quinn and she was sure Quinn loved her back just as much, how could they not battle all the odds together? She had only come this far because she had Quinn's support and love that gave her the strength.

Right. But what did her love give Quinn? Quinn was strong and independent. She had such a fierce determination that she could master anything. She did not need her love as much as Rachel had needed it over the past months.

Slowly, she opened her eyes.

I get that, Lauren. I really do. But, I don't know, I just don't see…. I just don't know how I can be of any use for Quinn. I can't support her and I can't … She sighed.

Lauren threw her hands in the air.

Really, Rachel? I know it is uncomfortable and hard and exhausting to fight against all the disappointments that come with being deaf. Yours are particularly hard since your whole career depended on it. Yes, it might be easier to adapt in an office environment. But every one of us has to fight their demons. If you start hiding, you will just put some to rest while others will continue knocking at your door. You will not rid yourself of all the problems by ignoring them. And I am sure you have enough reasons in your heart why your love is important for Quinn.

The brunette was quiet for a long time. Then she whispered: "I don't know what to do," adding with her hands: I'm so confused.

Lauren got up and pulled Rachel from her chair into a hug. Then she told her:

Don't try to analyze it anymore for today. Sleep on it for a night. Sometimes, things sort themselves out or you will be given a new perspective. Let it go for a short while!

Rachel nodded. It seemed like the best advice, because all the thinking did not bring her anywhere.

The two young women spent almost the whole day together, watching movies, talking about books they have read and discussing their favorite actors. Rachel was well aware that Lauren was trying to keep her mind off things and she was very grateful for that. Her mind kept wandering back to the topic at hand, but Rachel forced herself every time to focus back on the actual moment.

In between two movies, they ordered pizza for a late lunch and munched on unhealthy snacks the entire afternoon. Lauren explained to Rachel that it was her after Christmas and before New Year's ritual. On those days, she allowed herself to eat whatever and how much she wanted. Rachel had to laugh at that and felt that it was indeed comforting.

When Rachel finally left in the early evening, she felt a little better. At home, she grabbed the book she had been reading and let herself be pulled into the story until she could not keep her eyes open anymore. She needed to let Lauren's words sink in. It had felt so good to talk to someone who could really relate; who had gone through the same ordeal as she. It had taken some of the pressure she had felt during the past weeks. It was a pressure she had put herself under, no one else. She had wanted to learn fast and get back into the stream of life. She had not wanted to let her desperations get a hold of her again. Now in retrospect, she noticed that the more she had tried to push it away, the more energy it had cost until she could not rein it in any longer.

Had she talked about it, had she acknowledged that it was still normal to feel set-backs and disappointments, her reaction towards Quinn probably would not have been as harsh.

She had used Quinn as her vent and that had been very unjustified.

… … …

Quinn paced the floor of her apartment. Santana was worried that she would walk a hole into the wooden boards. Watching her friend like that made her tense and edgy. One minute, Quinn would sit down, only to jump up again the next. It made the Latina dizzy just watching her.

She had tried to get Quinn out of the house, just to distract her, but so far she had not been successful. She wondered what was going on in the blonde's head.

Quinn did not notice the worried looks from her roommate. All of her attention revolved around the previous days. She tried to find out what went wrong and when, as if she could change it once she would find the exact moment everything had started to fall apart. Again and again, the previous days played in her mind. And she could not find an answer. Yes, sure, the Glee Club meeting had triggered it all, but there must have been something before that. And why had Rachel not talk to her? And why had she not noticed?

Besides all the confusion, Quinn could not even be angry at Rachel. She was hurt, yes. She was lost beyond means. But she could not be angry, because every time she felt the anger rise, a scene from her past appeared before her inner eye.

Had she not done the same all those years ago? She had also pushed Rachel out of her life and for a more irrelevant reason, it seemed. It made her own actions feel even more ridiculous in retrospect.

She wanted to reach out to Rachel so much, but she was sure the other woman did not want any contact with her. That had been clear.

Quinn just hoped that in time she would be able to at least get to talk to her again. And that it would be soon.

"What would you do if Rachel asked you to take her back? Would you go back to her?"

Quinn looked up with a jerk of her head. Santana's question pulled her out of her musings. She had totally forgotten that the Latina was still sitting at the table, watching her pace back and forth.

"What kind of question is that?"

"Well, would you?" Santana asked.

Quinn thought about it for a moment. "I… I…" The words would not come out of her mouth, which surprised her. Why was she hesitating so much? It was all she ever wanted, all she had ever thought about for the past forty-eight hours.

Finally, she whispered: "I love Rachel more than anything, but I'm not sure if I could survive another break up, if she decided to come back to me and then, I don't know… she would realize that maybe nothing has changed and she would be gone for good. I mean, I can understand her so much, at least in the limited way that is possible as a hearing person. I can feel for her in a certain way. But I'm just so afraid that we won't be able to work out our problems and that we won't be able to make us work. I can't change my profession, as much as I love Rachel; I love my job as well. Not that she would want me to give it up, but…."

"Quinn, Quinn! Calm down. It's ok. I understand. I had the same thoughts regarding me and Brittany. Would I want to be back with her? Maybe. The happy times, yes, those I want. But I'm also afraid that we would end up at the same point as before, not being able to find another way around or through all our problems."

Quinn stared at her hands and whispered: "I know."

Both women were quiet for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Then Quinn asked a question that had occupied her for a while now.

"Is that why you did not have much contact with Jenna lately? Because of Brit?"

"Yeah, well, that and because I really like her." Santana answered, shooting a look at her friend that clearly told her that she did not want to discuss this any further. But Quinn did not care.

"So what now? Do you think you'll ever get over it? You sounded so happy when you got to know Jenna. What happened to make you doubt all this now?"

"Just a little talk I had with Rachel. I'm not sure if it would be fair to use Jenna as a distraction. I meant what I said, I really like her a lot, but I'm not sure if I could commit myself a hundred percent. And that would not be fair. Hell, I don't know!" She threw her arms up. "God, we are such a fucked up group of love birds. We have it and then we don't. It's right in front of our noses and still we all don't get to have it. Or if we have it, we don't get to hold it for long. Fuck."

"Right. Fuck."

Again, both women stayed silent for a moment.

After a while, when Santana felt like she could not stand being cooped up in the apartment any longer, she tried to coax her friend out of the house again but the blonde only shook her head.

Santana sighed.

"Quinn," she got up from her seat and stood in Quinn's way, forcing her to look at her. "You're gonna put on some shoes and you're gonna go for a run with me now."

"No, I don't..."

"Quinn, shut up and move your skinny ass into your bedroom, I mean it! If I have to watch you walking around this apartment like a tiger in a cage a minute longer, I'm gonna go crazy. Now, move it!"

Quinn knew that any counter-arguments would be shamelessly overruled when Santana used that tone. Grumbling, she trudged into her bedroom and put on a pair of sweat pants and her running shoes. If she exhausted herself, maybe her fucking head would stop worrying for a while.

Santana had to stop Quinn twice from grabbing her bag to drive to Rachel's apartment that day. This whole Rachel "I need time" thing gave Quinn a sick feeling. The longer she waited, the more they distanced themselves from each other.

As if reading her thoughts, the Latina grabbed Quinn's arm and pulled her out of the door.

The two women jogged for half an hour before it started snowing again. They turned around and took the direct route back to their building. On their way there, Quinn knew she could not survive another day like that at home. She had thought that she would not be able to work, but anything was better than waiting for a text message or an e-mail that would probably not come.

She did not know how she was supposed to live like that. It felt like her whole life had been ripped apart. She never had felt so miserable in her whole life, not even when her parents chased her out of the house during her pregnancy.

Going back to work was her only option, but acting out the love scenes would not be easy. The only consolation was that her character died in the end. Something Quinn felt like she could relate to. She did not feel much alive either right now.

The singer called her director, John Gertz and managed to convince him that the "family crisis" was handled sooner than expected and that she could go back to her original schedule the next day.

She just hoped that her face would not betray her words. She looked like shit and felt like it. And her colleagues would probably notice it too, but she didn't care.

He agreed and Quinn was back on the show the next evening.

She spent more time at the theater than it was necessary, dreading to get back to her apartment and all the memories of Rachel. The brunette still had some of her things there, like clothes and cosmetics. Quinn knew that eventually Rachel would want them back, same with her stuff at Rachel's place, but she just could not face it yet. It would be like another door closing.

… … …

The next three days went by in a blur. Quinn just functioned. She went to work, did her shows and tried to not imagine Rachel standing there watching her like she did all those weeks ago.

The actress knew she was not in her best condition, but she tried hard to work through every show and give the audience what they came here for. The more she drained herself on stage, the easier it was to fall asleep from exhaustion later and stop her mind from reeling.

New Year's Eve came and Santana failed to convince Quinn to go out and party, not even for a little while. So she bought a few bottles of wine and decided to get drunk with her friend at home. Not her best plan for a New Year's celebration, but she did not want to leave Quinn to start the New Year by herself under the circumstances. Maybe she or they could go out later.

At twelve, they stood by the window and watched the fireworks illuminate the sky outside. It had not taken much for Quinn to feel the effect of the alcohol. She had hardly eaten over the past days. After two glasses of wine, she felt really light headed. Half a glass later, she could hardly watch her tongue. Santana had downed one more glass and also had problems getting the words out right.

"Happy fucking new year," Quinn slurred, raising her glass in a toast.

Santana knocked her glass clumsily against her friend's and toasted back: "Right. Fucking happy... Happy fucking..."

Then she started giggling.

"Whasso funny?" Quinn inquired.

Santana shook her head. "Nothing, just what I sssaid. Wish I had sssomeone I could do that with." She turned and leaned her back against the window sill, facing her friend.

Quinn shook her head. "Don't even think aboudid."

The Latina looked indignantly at the blonde. "What? Oh, you think I wanned...oh, god no Quinn, nononono. You weeeeere good, I grant you that, but not that good!" Santana waved her hand that was holding the wine glass and some wine sloshed over the rim, wetting her fingers.

"Shit." She turned her arm and licked her fingers dry, making slurping sounds.

Quinn crunched up her nose. "Ugh, you're gross! Stop doing that."

The mischievous look came back on Santana's face. "Why? You wanna do it?"

Quinn sighed. "Shut up, Santana."

"Man, this new year sssucks big time. Q, we had better celebrations. Either I'll go out to have some more fun – or …" she pointed with her wine glass towards her room, "… I'll go to bed now."

Quinn placed her glass on the windowsill. "Whatever you do, I don't care. I'm wasted and I'll go to sleep. You should better catch some sleep too, dontcha have work tomorrow?"

"Ugh, damn. Bitch of a boss put a working appointment in my diary on the friggin' first of Jan. That's a holiday, why Imma supposed to work then?" Then Santana remembered. "Hehe. But only at three in the afternoon. That gives me fooour more hours to paaaaaaaaardy!" She raised her arms and made a swaying movement with her hips, bumping into Quinn who stumbled against the windowsill, knocking down her glass in the process.

"Santana, just go, 'kay? Before you ran… ransack my place, go destroy someone else's."

"Wait." The blonde got a big glass of water and placed it into her friend's hand. Then she gulped one down herself. Santana made a face at the non-alcoholic drink, but swallowed half of the glass anyway. It made her feel a little more in control of her speech, she had to admit. Washing down two handfuls of potato chips with the rest, she felt like she was ready to go.

"Ya really don't wanna come with me?"

Quinn shook her head. "No. Have fun!" And she made a dismissive motion with her hand.

Santana stood there for a moment, looking at her friend as if contemplating if leaving her alone tonight would be the best demonstration of her friendship.

"Santana, go, I'll be okay, really." Quinn tried to convince her, interpreting the look on her face correctly.

"'kay." With one last look, the Latina turned, placed her now empty glass on the table and went to her room. She refreshed her make-up, changed her clothes and grabbed her bag.

"I'll be at the club, if ya wanna come later…"

"Don't think so, but have fun."

Santana waved with one last look at Quinn and left.

All alone, Quinn decided she needed to sober up. Being drunk and lonely did not improve her mood. She cleaned up the mess of her spilled wine and made herself a coffee. Then she forced herself to drink more water and eat a slice of toast.

That seemed to help. She felt less foggy in her brain.

Drinking another glass of water, she decided she needed some fresh air. She did not feel as tired anymore, probably the effects of the coffee. Her stomach grumbled again, but thinking about food only made her throat close up. Quinn knew that she would have to start eating regularly again; otherwise she would not be able to manage her stressful schedule. She just couldn't fathom downing any more solid food now.

Grabbing some warm clothes, she braced herself against the cold.

… … …

Rachel was not sure what she wanted to do on New Year's Eve. Part of her wanted to be alone, crawl into bed and sleep right through the fireworks. She wouldn't wake up from the noise, anyway.

She had envisioned celebrating the New Year completely different. She wanted to celebrate it with friends, with Quinn. Go to Time Square; watch the ball drop… from afar at least. She was not too fond of the big crowd there, but she always loved watching the spectacle from a little further away.

Well, not this year.

Puck and Kurt had both invited her to their respective celebrations, but she had politely declined.

God, why was life so complicated?

Instead of an answer, a different thought popped up.

She realized that there would probably also be difficulties she – or they would have to face even if she would still be able to hear. Certainly there would be. Maybe her schedule would have clashed with Quinn, maybe either one of their career moves would have caused a fight, maybe they would not have been able to appreciate each other as much, because both of them would be so incredibly busy… But no matter what, Rachel was sure they would have gotten through all this, they would have found a solution to make it work.

So why was it so difficult for her now?

Lauren was right.

Even if she hid herself away from the hearing world, it would not change a thing about her hearing – or lack thereof. And it would neither change her dreams nor her heart.

Lauren had asked her to come to a party with her and Max. There was a mixed group of hearing and deaf people and Rachel was tempted to go. She gave herself a push and told herself that if she did not like it felt uncomfortable, she could just leave again.

Rachel arrived at the party a little after nine. Lauren and her boyfriend Max were already there, which relieved her immensely. Max was funny and smart, never taking himself too seriously. Rachel liked him instantly.

Over the course of the evening, they introduced her to a couple of other people who seemed nice and were interested in getting to know her.

One of Max's hearing friends even recognized her from a Broadway show and complimented her on her performance. Lauren held her breath at their friend's comment, but Rachel recovered smoothly after a second and just thanked the guy for the compliment.

Max smiled at her and started signing.

I heard the soundtrack of Funny girl. You really have a great voice.

Rachel was surprised. How do you know?

Max chuckled. I might have trouble understanding normal conversations, but with headphones and the music cranked up really high, I get a good idea of what I'm hearing. I really liked your voice.

"Oh".

Sorry, I didn't want to be insensitive.

Rachel took a deep breath. It's ok, and thank you for the compliment, she smiled.

Apparently, the topic did not leave her. Not even around deaf friends, which was … weird in a way. Not weird, but … unexpected, somehow. She almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. Staying away from her hearing friends – only to be addressed about her voice twice when in the company of her deaf friend was really ironic.

She belatedly noticed Max signing to her.

Do you want another drink?

Rachel nodded and Max went off to the kitchen.

Lauren just looked at her and raised an eyebrow as if to say: see, you can't really hide.

Then she added signing: Appreciate your past and don't hide from it. Even though it is really hard to have a girlfriend who is a singer, don't push her away. Embrace it as a chance to keep music close to your heart. Take everything as it comes, Rachel. Every minute, every day, one at a time. And accept things for what they are. Compliments are compliments and not something to hurt you.

Rachel gazed into her friend's eyes.

Can't help it anyway, can I? She then answered Lauren's comment.

Only if you lock yourself in a closet for the rest of your life, Lauren signed back and chuckled.

"Right." Rachel managed to smile back, feeling Lauren's words from three days ago slowly finding their way into her heart.

Max returned with their drinks and two other friends in his wake. They rapidly engaged in a conversation. It was new for Rachel to be involved in a discussion with more than one person signing. Soon, she realized that it was not much different from a hearing conversation, though. Just like having to raise your voice, you had to raise your hands if you wanted to contribute something. Even if two people were signing at the same time, she was able to follow most of it, as long as they stood close to each other. It was easier if only one person signed though, they mostly waited until one was finished before the next commented.

The party was nice despite her expectations and it was refreshing to get to know other deaf or hearing impaired people.

But as much as she appreciated the distraction, she could not completely forget. Her mind kept wandering back to Quinn.

What was she doing right now? How was she celebrating? Was she celebrating at all?

The carousel in Rachel's mind started turning more and more until she bade her friends good-bye shortly after midnight.

… … …

Rachel decided to walk home. Luckily, the party did not take place far away from her place. Rachel did not feel like taking the subway and cabs which were hard to get at this time. Some people she met on the street wished her a happy new year, some very loudly and very drunk, judging from their body language and facial expressions, while some apparently had managed to hold their liquor, nodding at her politely.

The three words "happy new year" were not hard to read from people's lips. She automatically answered with the same greeting and was glad when she finally reached her home.

Quickly, she discarded her clothes and got ready for bed, hoping for sleep to erase some of her thoughts from her brain. But sleep would not come as easily as she had hoped.

Rachel lay on her bed, staring out of the dark window at the lights of the city. Her brain felt like a ship being tossed around by huge waves, because of all the thoughts that came crushing through her head.

Kurt's, Lauren's and Quinn's words replayed over and over again in her head.

She wanted her mind to be silent for a while. She couldn't hear herself think.

After the events over past days, she felt the consequences slowly sinking in.

Had she been too rash in her actions?

At the Glee Club meeting, she was so overwhelmed with her feelings. The pain had been so strong that she couldn't do anything against it. It had hit her with such a force that she felt absolutely powerless to fight against it. Now, after the shock of her own actions had ebbed away, the feeling of shame slowly washed over her.

There were so many people helping her, supporting her and showing her that she was not alone and that they loved her. And all she had done was push them away.

Again.

How could she ever ask them for forgiveness? How could she ever ask Quinn to forgive her?

Rachel grabbed a pillow and slowly rolled herself into a ball, hugging the soft fabric in the futile hopes it would comfort her somehow.

She knew that only one person could. And she knew that this one person probably would not accept her apology. Not after the way she had behaved and not after the words she had thrown at Quinn.

The pain about her hearing loss was still there and it was still real, but nothing hurt as much as losing Quinn. How could she have deliberately pushed away the only person and the one reason that had made her happy? Quinn had helped her out of her dark mood and had shown to her that life was still worthwhile.

She sat up, taking the phone into her hand, her fingers poised over Quinn's contact to send her a message.

However, Rachel could not find the courage to write anything. She did not know how to start, how to apologize and how to explain.

After an endless moment, she placed the device back on the night stand and continued to stare out of the window until she could not keep her eyes open anymore.

… … …

Something woke Rachel up in the middle of the night. She opened her eyes and wondered what time it was when she felt the buzzing of her phone on the night stand and saw the display light up.

It was interesting how her body had attuned to the smallest vibrations and visual cues by now, even in her sleep. In the past, she probably would not even have heard her phone ringing. She had always been a sound sleeper. But ever since her body had to adjust to the smallest hints and other senses to make up for her hearing loss, even such small things like her phone buzzing in the middle of the night would alert her now.

Groggily, she extended a hand and pulled the phone closer. She didn't recognize the number. Since she couldn't pick it up anyway, she let it ring through so the mailbox could pick it up.

In very short intervals, the phone started going off again. That was weird. Rachel sat up and felt her heart starting to beat faster. Hopefully there was nothing wrong with her dads.

Again, she looked at the number. It was a local New York number, but she didn't recognize the extension behind it. Finally the caller seemed to have left a message in her mailbox which she was able to run through her software.

Probably just someone wanting to wish her a happy new year.


Promise: This is the last cliffhanger for now. And I promise to update the next chapter soon so you don't have to wait too long. There will be some light at the end of the tunnel in the next chapter!