Disclaimer: It'll be okay, I swear.
It's a few hours before anyone from 2 actually shows up. Haymitch is needed in defense, Katniss's spleen burst so she's in surgery, and I can't seem to find anyone besides panicking doctors. I push my way into every room, hoping to see someone, hoping to help. I'm tired of being useless. Of course, one of the last doors I open belongs to Gale. He's clenching his teeth as someone wraps some sort of cloth over his arms. I watch quietly, neither of the two looking up to see me.
"Well the bullet didn't pierce your skin," the doctor says. For some unexplainable reason I feel my heart drop in my stomach. He was shot at? "Just slipped by, caught a weak part of your shirt."
"Hurts like hell," Gale mutters back.
"It's not that bad," the doctor smiles. "All done, you should be able to take it off in a few days."
"Great, thanks doc," Gale grumbles, obviously still in pain. I bet he asked for morphling or some pain medicine but they won't give it to him. All the people in District 13 conserve literally everything. Finally his eyes flicker to me and I freeze. He says nothing. The doctor slips out of the room. "How long've you been standing there?" he asks, his voice sharp.
"Few minutes," I admit quietly. Gale jaw clenches again and he shifts. "Are you okay?" I ask, my eyes flickering down to the white wrapping on his upper arm.
"Fine." I nod awkwardly as the ticking of the clock on the wall echoes in the room. "Did you need something?"
"I was just," I rub the nape of my neck and take a step forward. "No, not really." His face remains expressionless and I frown. "How was District 2?"
"Fine," he says again. His eyes flicker down to the book I have positioned between my arms. "What're you reading?"
"Hm?" I look down at the book in my hands, forgetting the name for a moment. "Oh, it's called Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. It's about a wizard." His eyes narrow. "It was banned when the Capitol took charge for rebellious thoughts, but um… It's, it's really good."
"Right," he sighs, his face morphing into something pained. "You should go." I jerk my head into a nod and then flee from his room without looking back. My pace quickens and I sprint until I'm outside the hospital wing, leaning against the wall as I steady my breathing. Slowly, I collapse onto the floor, my knees up by my face and my legs buried somewhere in between. And then I'm fighting back tears, a knot tangles in my throat. Why does his utter rejection of me affect me like this? It shouldn't matter, I don't remember him anyway. But everyone says… everyone says we were together. Everyone says he loved, no, loves me. If that's true then why is he acting like this?
It carries on like that a bit more, the cold shoulder he gives while I receive the empty stomach. I sit with Bristel and Thom in the cafeteria, considering they're friends with Gale he sits with us too. To avoid talking I bring my books and read. I think people think I'm turning into Annie, who's been spending ample amount of time with Finnick, might I add. Even Johanna sits with us at lunch sometimes, always next to Gale, always grabbing his arm. I turn my pages angrily and I'm sure someone notices by the way the awkwardly cough.
"Something the matter, princess?" Johanna coos in my direction. I don't look up. "You've got a jealous girlfriend, Handsome," she says to Gale.
"Johanna," he bites out at her, forcing her hand off. She smirks in my direction and I lift my eyes momentarily, but then drop them again. I feel his Gale's eyes bore into me and I slowly push myself away from the table.
He also stops showing up for group therapy sessions. "He'll be back," Rory tells me, although I know he doesn't believe it. "It's really hard for Gale."
"Yeah," Prim backs him up. "He's just busy with defense, that's all." I shrug, acting like it means nothing, but it hurts. He's supposed to love me. As much as I tell myself it wasn't love I really want to believe that's what we had, but he's not helping by completely ignoring me. So I try to focus on the two little kids in front of me, telling me about the time I stood with them in the square handing out golden bracelets to everyone. "You even had a necklace," Prim frowns. "I wonder what happened to it."
The next time I see Gale he's talking to Bristel and Thom and the latter two start to laugh. Gale keeps his stony expression although his eyes flicker for a moment and I swear I see some sort of emotion. It's gone when they find me, however. "You just have to be patient," Bristel says later that day. "He'll come around eventually."
"Sure," I reply weakly with a frown. Bristel plops on the couch next to me and throws her arm around me. I've been trusting her more and more lately as my memory slowly is unveiled. Mostly when I see her in my head she's wearing a maid's outfit with her feet kicked up on a pull out chair in the corner of my old living room. She tells me it was her chair, and that makes me laugh.
"I remember when he first told me he liked you," she says. I raise an eyebrow and she snickers. "I told him he wasn't allowed to because you were the mayor's daughter. You know, Gale never talks about things like that with me, girls. He'd usually just talk to Thom but he came to me so I knew it was serious." I fiddle with the hem of my shirt. "He came up to me and was like, 'I think I like her,' and he gestured to your lunch table where you sat all by yourself and I just laughed. Gale had a reputation, I guess. He messed around with a lot of girls."
"Really, now?" I ask dryly.
She laughs, "Oh yeah. Before he met you, anyways. So when he first said that I was like, 'You can't mess around with the mayor's daughter,' and he just frowned at me. He said something about how he was serious and stormed off and next time I looked up he was sitting next to you at that stupid lunch table. Then Thom was there too and I was the one alone at a lunch table. I don't know why but you stormed off angrily and he followed and that's when I knew it was really serious for him. So while you were in the hall talking about something I moved to your lunch table."
"Were we friends?"
"Not at first," she admits. "I disliked you. I could tell you disliked me. I thought you were snotty, I hated your hair."
I chuckle, "Well thanks." There's a pause as I glance around the room, tracing the curves of the wall with my eyes. "What about now?" I ask faintly. "Are we friends?"
She smiles, "Of course we're friends." I smile too, she doesn't mention my lack of memory. "You know, I don't think you're crazy."
"I'm not," I say quietly. "I don't think you're crazy either." My eyes dart down to the scars that wrap around her wrists and claw across her forearms. She shows them off proudly in her short sleeved shirt, acts as if they're battle scars. "They hurt you."
"They hurt you too," her voice is pained. "They hurt you worse." I shake my head, that's not true. No one's told me what they did to Bristel but I've overheard doctors talking about it. The way she was violated, abused, touched. How they went through weapon after weapon inflicting more and more pain. They stole her innocence, they used her.
"That's not true."
"How about we say it was a tie and never talk of it again," she finally spouts out. I nod once. "Good, thank you." There's a pause and I hear her breathe shakily. "When we first got back, when I first saw you I thought I was dreaming." She lets out a quivering laugh, "And then we got on board the hovercraft and you were so quiet and calm in your sleep. I kept thinking, she saved my life, she got me out of that cell, away from that never ending torture and she's okay. I blamed myself for us ending up there, I still do."
"Bristel," I frown.
"Don't try and change my mind, Madge, it won't happen." I lean onto her side and she sighs. "Thom was scared to touch me, you know, even just hold my hand. He was scared it'd remind me of…" she trails off. The prisons. "I kept thinking about when he said he loved me and how much I just wanted him to love me again. Finally he just, he just went for it. Thank heavens, too," she smiles weakly. "But that's how Gale kind of is now."
"He doesn't remind me of the prisons," I say angrily. "He reminds me of a brick."
She snorts, "That's not what I meant. I mean he's just scared to touch you. He's hurting too, you just have to remember that."
"I'm trying," I tell her. "But he just stares at me! If he doesn't put effort into me then why should I put it into him?"
"Because deep down, somewhere inside of you, you love him." I frown. "You know it too, I see the way you watch him. You know you love him, the way you get jealous or angry or upset. You'll blame it on something else but I'm not blind. I can read you like a book, Madge."
"But I–I don't know. I don't remember. I just get angry or upset but that doesn't mean I love him it means I'm angry and upset." She chuckles a bit and I find myself clenching my fists. "If he's not going to help me then maybe I'll just move on, focus on other things."
"Don't give up on him," she nearly pleads. "Please. Don't."
I stuff the bag Hazelle gave me back up with books, I finished all eleven that she gave me and hopefully she has some more. I want to read some more about that wizard boy or maybe another story about a princess. I'm tired of being forced to think.
"You can't just read books all day, sweetheart," Haymitch says as I lug the bag into the kitchen. We've fallen into a nice routine. "You've got to start going to school or training or both."
"I'll just keep reading," I wave him off, continuing on my path toward the door. He steps in front of my path with a scowl. "Haymitch," I grumble.
"I'm worried about you."
"Everyone is," I say back.
"No, I really am worried about you Madge." I frown as he steps out of my way. "You've held yourself together very well." I can't tell if he's being sarcastic. I have to cry myself to sleep most nights to even manage some. He must see the puffy pink eyes in the morning, he's not oblivious. "I just want you to start participating. You can't stay closed off forever. In fact, Coin's a little ticked that you haven't even tried."
"I don't want to," I say back irritably. "Tell her that I don't want to."
"She doesn't necessarily take requests from people like you," he says lightly, a smile tugging at his lips. "Promise me you'll try?"
I hesitate but eventually nod, "Promise." Then he sends me on my way to Hazelle's. I know Rory won't be there, so Vick might not be either. I hope Posy is, I haven't seen her in a few days. When I knock on the door and she's the one to answer, I smile. "Hi Posy," I reach down and tussle her hair. "Can I come in?"
"Yes," she giggles, "but be quiet!" I nod and hold a finger up to my mouth to show her I'm being quiet. She grabs my hand and pulls me in, shutting the door for me. As I walk down the hallway I wonder why she told me to be quiet, considering an immense amount of noise is coming from the living room.
"Now you're an airplane," I hear a voice say, and then Vick is giggling. I smile and quicken my pace. "Vvvrrrrr, pshew pshew!"
"Gale!" Vick laughs. "Put me down!"
"Oh no, you're running out of fuel!" I lean on the wall and watch as Gale drops his brother, hanging him upside down by his ankles. "Beep, beep, beep… Oh no!"
"Gale!" Vick's laughing up a storm. Posy bounces on her toes and giggles, rushing forward.
"Me next!" she shouts, "Gale, me next!" Gale looks up with a grin, laying his brother gently on the couch and looking toward his little sister. His expression fades when he sees me.
"What're you doing here?" he spouts out quickly, obviously nervous, and shoves his hands into his back pockets. "How'd you get in?"
"Gale," Posy grumbles, pulling on his leg. "I said me next."
"Later, Pose," he says quietly, tapping her on the head and striding across the room to me. "Posy let you in?" I nod weakly, unable to retain his gaze.
"I, uh, I was just returning your books. Or well, your mom's books." I slide the bag off my shoulder and awkwardly hand it over to him. "Is she home?" he accepts the bag and hikes it up his shoulder while shaking his head no. "Oh. Do you have any more, maybe?" I ask, grabbing my hands together to stop them from shaking. This is the first conversation we've had since the one in the hospital wing, I can't help but make note of his closeness to me, the way his eyes are constantly searching mine whenever I get the nerve to look up. "If not that's okay," I add quickly.
"I can check," he forces out, taking a step back and then marching toward the back rooms. I wait in my spot, half in the hall and half in the living room.
"Hi Madge," Vick sits up and smiles at me.
"Hi Vick," I say back. "How're you?"
"I'm good," he runs his hands through his hair, trying to comb it back into place. "It's good to see you."
"Yeah, Madge," Posy stumbles back over to me and pulls on my hand. "You never come over anymore." I frown and fiddle with the sleeves on my shirt. "You could come over more!"
"Maybe," I say quietly, taking the free seat next to Vick. "Everyone's just been really busy lately, I think."
"Is it because you don't love Gale anymore?" Vick asks sadly. "Is that why you don't come over?"
"No," I shake my head quickly. "No, that's not it…"
"I really want you to love Gale again," he says, crossing and uncrossing his hands in his lap. "Why don't you love him anymore?"
"Vick," Gale sighs from the hallway. I turn around to look at him but his eyes are trained on his younger sibling. "We talked about this."
"I know," Vick frowns, "but you didn't tell me everything."
"I still love Gale," I tell him quietly through a nervous voice. "I just, I just can't remember that I do. I just have to remember."
"Will you soon?" Posy asks. "I want you to come over more!"
"Of course I will," I tell her, tapping her nose. "Just be patient, okay?" Posy nods and throws her tiny arms around me. I hear Gale shift in the hallway and look back to him.
"Can you guys go in your rooms for a bit?" Gale asks them gently. "So I can talk to Madge?" Vick and Posy exchange knowing glances and then they nod, sprinting off the couch at full speed. He wait until their doors are shut before he speaks again. "I told them not to say anything," he tells me.
"It's okay," I shrug. "I'm used to it by now."
"You're still really good with them," he says weakly, his eyes staring emptily past me. "Want something to drink?" I nod and he lumbers into the kitchen, I stand to follow him. He places the bag of books on the floor near the entrance way. "I found a few more books I thought you might like," he says, reaching into the fridge to get some juice of sorts. "More of that wizard you told me about." I feel my cheeks flush as I lean against a counter.
"Thank you." Gale turns to me and hands me the cup, his hand warm when I accidently touch it. I fumble with the cup but take it into both of my hands. He watches me as I sip and I have to keep my eyes downcast. "Do you hate me?" I finally ask after I've taken a drink.
"What?" he asks, almost angrily. "No," he shakes his head. "Of course not. Why?"
"You act like it," I say lightly, shrugging and placing the cup on the counter next to me. He frowns. "You know, everyone I talk to says that you love me. Everyone. Haymitch, Prim, Bristel, just everyone." He leans back on the counter across the tiny kitchen and crosses his arms. "I wouldn't be able to tell from how you act around me, though. You don't even talk to me, you don't acknowledge that I'm there. So for awhile I thought that you didn't actually love me."
"Madge," his eyebrows furrow. "I just…"
"And you were always so mean and cold I thought it was impossible for me to love someone like you. But when I saw you in there with Vick…" I trail off feeling my cheeks heat up. "I saw what I loved, I think." I half expect him to smile, or frown again, but his face remains blank.
"I'm sorry for how I acted before I went to 2," he says quietly. I shrug and he groans, "I know it upset you, don't just write it off. I was angry and I didn't mean it, okay?"
"Sure." I pull at the tips of my hair waiting for him to say something else, but he won't. "Are you giving up on me?"
"No," again he shakes his head forcefully.
"Are you sure? Because it feels like you are."
"Madge," his voice cracks and he strides across the room, his hand reaching out to cup my face. He awkwardly drops it at the last second, still not used to the memory loss, I guess. "I'm not, I just… I don't know how to do this. I want you to remember," his voice is pained. "I want you to remember everything, you have no idea. Every time I see you I just want…" he trails off, shaking his head. "And I can't because you don't know me and…" again he trails off, unable to finish.
"Well I'm not going to remember if you just glare at me every time you see me."
"I know," he croaks, moving away from me in one swift motion. "I know! And I can't do anything about it!" His fingers rake through his hair desperately. "I'd do anything, anything for you to remember me."
"Then talk to me!" I plead. Gale turns back to face me. "Please. I want to remember you. I want to. Please."
"You don't understand," he shakes his head. "You just don't, you don't understand how this is for me. Everything, I remember everything! Every little detail, every second I spent with you, every moment we shared, and you don't. You don't," his voice gives out again and my stomach aches.
"Then help me to," I whimper. "I can't do this without you. I can't. I need you."
Gale slowly closes the distance between us, his hand reaching up to cup my face. This time it doesn't drop, his rough hand gently curves and he lowers his forehead to mine, my voice getting caught in my throat. "And I need you," he says weakly. "Madge," he forces out. I feel his breath on me, warm bursts of air in an unsteady, ragged pattern. He smells like smoke, even here in District 13 where I doubt he has much access to a fire. My heart is racing in my chest, doing uncontrollable erratic things. Almost instinctively, my hand reaches up and rests on his chest. His tongue darts out to wet his lips.
"You can kiss me if you want," I whisper, swallowing nervously.
"Oh, I want," he says desperately. "But I can't." He leans closer, his nose nudging mine. "I want to so bad," he says even quieter. His lips hover over mine, I can nearly taste them. "You have no idea." And in this moment, I want him to. Centimeters away, so desperately close. I'm half tempted to press myself on my tiptoes, forcing his lips against mine, but I can't. My feet won't do it. I'm still shaking. "But I won't."
"Why not?"
"Because if it doesn't change anything then I'll be more broken than before," he says simply.
"But what if it helps?" Kiss me. Please kiss me.
"What if it doesn't? It'd just be an empty kiss to you while it would mean so much more to me," he shakes his head, his hand dropping from my face as he steps back slowly. "Sorry," he says weakly. "They said you don't like being touched."
"No," I shake my head, "it's okay." I close my eyes a moment and lean my head back, taking a deep breath. I should've kissed him. He should've kissed me. "I should go," I say quickly. "Before Haymitch starts to worry," I add, "I said I'd be right back." I'm lying, oh I'm lying. I need to breathe, need to figure out the racing of my heart.
"Yeah," Gale nods hesitantly and then crosses the room, picking up the bag of books and handing it to me. I'm reluctant to take it from him, our eyes meeting each other's gently. Magnificent gray, mixed with brown and stormy specks of silver. "Madge," he says quietly. I raise my eyebrows and that's when he does it, he smiles. Only slightly, only for a moment, but the corners of his lips tug just a bit. "I swear I'm not giving up," he says gently.
"Will you come back to my therapy?" I ask nervously.
His eyebrows knit and unknit. "Maybe. I'll try. I don't like everyone else there when I talk about us," he admits faintly.
"Then it can be just me and you," I tell him. "If you want."
"We'll talk about it later," he tells me, reaching across and pushing a strand of hair out of my face and behind my ear. I squint my eyebrows, the gesture feels so familiar, so homey. My eyes drift shut, a faint image of me and Gale in the woods drifts across my vision. My head on his chest, his fingers teasing through my hair. "Madge?" I blink open and drop my gaze to the ground, trying to suppress the smile that's growing on my lips. "You okay?"
"Yeah," my cheeks are pink I can feel it. "I'll see you later." He nods, walking me to the hallway and opening the door for me, watching me as I stride down the corridor of District 13 back to my house. He's not giving up, I won't either. I crave the racing in my chest that he gave me, I need to know more. I need to remember him.
A/N: My shipper heart. Annie and Finnick's wedding coming up, as well as some angry Katniss. Bear with me.
