I'm nervous. I don't like being nervous. A few minutes ago I was happily settled in, reading a copy of Don Quixote I borrowed off the bookshelf in Walt's office. Then Cady told me Walt is bringing me lunch today. So now I'm nervous. I check the time. I've got about three hours. It's three hours until Walt comes to my house with lunch. I'm not nervous because I'm going to eat with Walt. He and I have eaten lunch together plenty of times. It's not even that we will be eating alone. We've done that too, a lot. I'm nervous because I'm embarrassed. Seriously embarrassed. Not only did I proposition my boss last night, but after I made that stellar mistake, after I essentially asked him to sleep with me, he turned me down. I can't remember ever being turned down. From the first time I let Tony Pagano feel me up in the eighth grade, I've realized the effect my sexuality has on the male species. Men like me. I don't use sex to manipulate people or to get what I want. I'm not that kind of a person. It's simply that when I've made the decision that I want a man, he's always agreed to come along for the ride. Walt didn't. For the first time, a man told me that I'm not what he wants. Okay, he didn't actually say that but it's what he must have meant. Then, to make matters worse, he kissed me. Seriously? He turned me down and then he kissed me? Who does that? I know it was only because he felt sorry for me. He did it because he didn't know what else to do. It was a pity kiss. It had to have been. So, I'm nervous.
It's not that the kiss wasn't good. It was actually pretty amazing. I know Walt's a little out of practice but the man's got some skills. I can't remember the last time a kiss actually made my heart flutter and my knees weaken like they did last night. Of course, that could have just been the head injury. Hell, it all could be the head injury. Walt said he cares about me, that I have his attention but I must have misunderstood. He was just trying to make me feel better about the divorce.
Up until I passed out at the Red Pony I've always been confident about my decisions. I pride myself on my ability to accurately assess a situation then act on that assessment without hesitation. Since I woke up in the hospital, all I can seem to do is question myself. Shit! My brain has to be more damaged than I thought. Maybe this is what Dr. Weston was talking about when he said I may experience changes in personality. No! I don't want my personality to change! I like who I am...who I was...damn!
Two hours and fifty minutes. In two hours and fifty minutes, I'm going to have to apologize. I pushed Walt into doing something he wasn't prepared for. Something he was incapable of avoiding. He had no choice. He had to kiss me or risk dealing with a weepy, blubbering mess. No man wants to have to deal with that. I had already pulled a Lizzie. He tried to help me save face by saying I was nothing like her, but come on. I started to fall and he had to catch me. I practically threw myself at him and because he's a gentleman, he couldn't let me hit the floor. I forced his hand and now I need to let him off the hook. I had just told him my husband doesn't want me anymore. I had just woken up from a brief stay in a coma he blames on himself. I know how he thinks. He owns everything, whether he should or not. He blames himself for my being terrorized by Chance Gilbert and he blames himself for punching me. He was backed into a corner and he kissed me to shut me up long enough to be able to escape intact.
Okay, it's going to be okay. Walt's a reasonable man. He's not going to fire me because I came onto him. Take a couple of breaths, Vic. It's going to be okay. He may not even bring it up. He's not exactly a big talker. If neither of us mention it then we can pretend it never happened. Brain injuries affect short term memory. It's realistic to think I might have forgotten the whole thing. He's not coming over to confront me about it. He's just bringing me lunch.
*Sigh* Two hours and forty minutes...
I hear a vehicle pull up. Walt's early. My heart starts to race but I decide to play it cool and stay on the couch. I'll wait until he knocks. A minute later I hear the door unlock and open. Cady must have given Walt the key. I made it pretty clear I didn't want to have to be bothered. If I wanted to let something in and out all day I'd have a cat.
"I'm in here, Walt."
I open my book. He doesn't need to know I've been sitting around waiting for him all morning.
"That didn't take long."
It's not Walt.
"Or has he had a key all this time?"
"Shaun, what are you doing here?"
"Well, I do technically still live here. I'm back in town for a few days and thought I could stay and pack of the rest of my things before I head back to Alaska. But, it sounds like you have other plans, so I'll just go to a motel."
He turns to walk out of the room.
"Shaun, wait."
He stops.
"I don't have other plans, Shaun. I gave Cady a key because she's helping me out for a few days. She said her dad was going to drop off lunch, so when I heard you come in, I just assumed it was him using the key I gave her. I, uh, just got out of the hospital yesterday."
"I heard."
"You knew I was in the hospital?"
"Yeah, Henry called me."
"You knew I was in a coma and didn't come home?"
I hadn't realized just how screwed up our relationship had gotten until just this moment.
"Come on, Vic. What could I have done? Fetched coffee for your boyfriend while he sat vigil at your bedside? No. I told Henry about the divorce and that I wasn't going to cut my trip short."
"I see."
"I would have thought he would pass that information along to both you and his buddy but he didn't. I guess it's true what they say, you can't trust an Indian. So Walt called and I had to get an ass chewing from him as well. Granted it was on my voice mail, but still. I called Walt back, told him about the divorce, since apparently Henry neglected to, and then made sure he understood you were no longer my concern."
I don't know what to say to that so I don't say anything.
"I think it was a mistake to come here. You know what things I want. How about you gather them all together. I've got a couple of boxes in the back of the truck. I'll leave them out front for you to put it all in. You can call over to Newitt when you're done and we'll send someone over to pick them up."
He's out the door before I'm able to respond. I walk into the front room and watch through the window as he unloads the boxes. When he starts his truck and pulls away I feel tears start to pool in my eyes. After everything that's happened, how can he still have that effect on me? Shaun's only gone a few minutes when another vehicle stops in front of the house. Walt gets out and leans in to pull a large paper sack off the front seat. I open the front door before he has time to walk around the truck. He looks up to see me standing there and smiles, "Hey, Vic! You're up."
I've always liked the way his smile lights up his eyes, "Up?"
"Cady was worried about you being asleep when I came over. Warned me not to wake you."
"Oh."
As he gets closer to the house his smile fades, "What's wrong?"
I stand awkwardly in the doorway as tears really start to fall. The girl side of me that I've been fighting with all morning has broken free. Walt closes the door, sets down the bag and wraps me in his arms, "It's okay. Whatever it is, we'll get through it." I can feel him rubbing my back and stroking my hair as I let myself cry into his chest. I'm sure his shirt is soaked by the time I am finally able to step back. Walt wipes my cheeks and leads me to the bathroom. He pulls a roll of toilet paper off the shelf and hands it to me before walking me over to the couch. After gently placing a blanket across my lap he heads back to the kitchen. I hear him pick up the bag of food he left in the hallway and set it on the counter. The refrigerator opens and closes and Walt returns with a bottle of water which he sets on the table next to me. He pulls an ottoman over in front of me, removes his hat and takes my free hand in both of his.
"Now, does this have anything to do with those boxes out front?"
I shake my head no and then nod yes. I'm afraid if I speak I'll start to cry again.
"Okay. What do you need?"
I need you to reassure me that I'm not crazy. I need to understand that I am going to eventually feel better and stop having mood swings. I need to hear that you really do care about me and weren't just saying what you thought I wanted you to last night. I need to figure out why you wouldn't stay with me when I asked. I need you to love me.
"Hold me."
He looks into my eyes and nods. He stands and takes off his coat, laying it across the ottoman. He picks up the edge of the blanket and raises his arm, sitting just close enough for me to comfortably snuggle my head in against his neck. After he tucks the blanket back in around me I feel his arm stretch along my back and his hand grasp my arm. I can tell he's tilted his head against mine. I may not be sure what Walt is thinking right now but I can't help but acknowledge that for me, being with him like this feels like home.
