Vote or die, motherf--ka, motherf--ka vote or die, rock the vote or I'm gonna stick a knife thru yo' eye!

THE VOTING OF THE DOOMED

Nicholas calmly pushed aside some papers as he helped clean up Michael White's desk. The albino had decided that the corporation-esque business wasn't for him and had quit, going back to being the guidance counselor after sending the CEO of "White Collar INC" to the hospital.

Reportedly there was much rejoicing. Our prudish protagonist then noticed that there was a "Trogs Gone Wild" alien porn magazine with a hot, naked experiment on the front that was smirking sexily. Nicholas frowned, then got an idea.

Soon he was taking pictures of himself making different wild/sexy faces with a camera that printed the pictures out on the spot. Then he cut out the women's faces and using some paste and the scissors he cut his head out of the photos he'd shot and put them on the women's bodies. Then he placed the magazine back inside of White's desk, leaving the front picture untouched to as a lure.

Leaving the room, Nicholas then walked down the hallway some distance and looked at his watch as he saw White go back inside the room that he had just been cleaning. Five…four…three…two…one…

"AAAA! WAAAAAHHH! AAAAAA!!!"

"He won't be buying THAT magazine anymore." Nicholas announced. "One subscription down, nine to go."

…It was time for a pep rally at the auditorium. There were, naturally, balloons, a huge crowd of kids who were watching mechanical cheerleaders dance around, occasionally sending out sparks of electricity as they chanted "Yay skool! Yay skool! Yay skool! Skool, skool, skool! Yay, yay, yay, skool!" over and OVER and OVER again, and…biggest and most important of all…STREAMERS! Who could have any kind of party without streamers? A sign that said "Skool Spirit!" hung over a large view screen that showed off the picture of the red-haired, overly chipper student body president. Beneath was the word "Mandatory".

"I hate these stupid pep rallies." Gaz mumbled.

"Well, look at it logically. As terrible as school is…eventually it's over." Nicholas remarked with some dry wit.

"You don't smile much anymore." Gaz realized. "It's kind of…depressing, almost." She admitted quietly.

"Well, since Nick is the personification of my more innocent side, I am thinking more logically." Nicholas admitted. "Oh…the student body president is here. Her name is Kathryn, correct?"

"Yes."

"How DO they get her to smile so much, I wonder?" Nicholas inquired as Kathryn, wearing a yellow shirt, was lowered down on a platform by some ropes.

"Isn't our skool just great?" She asked in an overly chipper tone.

"…uh…yay?" A few of the kids cheered. Some clapped half-heartedly.

"Our greatness is greater than all other greatnesses of all the other skools combined! And it's that greatness that makes us great!" She went on as the cheerleaders shook their pompoms and absolutely nobody smiled, except Nick, who frankly, couldn't NOT smile.

Then the president's eye twitched for a moment. "But I would like to say one thing, maybe, um, about the dirty bathrooms, they-WAGGA-WAGGA-WAAAAUUUUHHH!!!" She suddenly gripped her head, wigging out completely as she began to spasm and high-tech droids BURST in through the ceiling like they were something from "Minority Report", flying over the crowd as flashing red lights and an alarm blared.

One burly school guard popped up in the middle of the kids, sending those nearby flying away. Two more lowered down from the ceiling on ropes and an armored guard leapt up onto the stage and knocked a cheerleader out of his way as he advanced on poor Kathryn, who was screaming and pounding the floor. The four guards converged around her, held her up, and then one of them dropped a smoke bomb…

People coughed and spluttered, and once the smoke was gone-

Oh. Wait. They were still there. They nervously skittered off as an administration droid spoke up in a mechanical voice. "Do not be alarmed. The student president has experienced a failure in spirit. A new election will be held immediately. Volunteers? Volunteer?" It called out.

Zim immediately saw an opening and raised his hand in the air. "Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Pick Zim! Zim is me! Zim is me! Zim shall rule! Pick Zim!" He kept hopping up and down, desperately trying to get noticed. "Zim! Me! I am ZIIIIM!"

Well, the droid examined him. "Zim-Analysis…moron. Suitable." If it could have, it would have shrugged. "Candidate TWO needed. Volunteers?"

Dib groaned and waved his fist in the air. "He's CRIMINALLY INSANE! That's not GOOD!"

Well, the droid examined him. "Dib-Analysis…Annoying." It promptly clamped a large metal clamp over his mouth, muffling his voice.

"Volunteer?"

Nicholas noticed that Willy was nearby, chewing on one of his shoes. "Ha-ha! SHOE." He laughed.

The droid looked at him and made an analysis. "Willy-Analysis…Leadership material."

"This isn't very…logical." Nick remarked. "UNLESS…" He rubbed his chin and his eyes went wide. "Oh. Oh MY!"

Dib groaned. This couldn't get any worse!

…Zim and Willy stood behind podiums outside the school as Mr. White, who had been given his job back, put up a sign that said "Meet the Candidates".

"I can't believe ZIM thinks he could be elected leader. He's an utter failure as an invader. There's no way he'll win this." Nicholas told White.

White brushed his white hair back and grinned. "Yeah, that's for sure. If he wasn't the worst Invader that the Irken Empire ever had, it's only because all the records were lost when the next guy down the list blew up the planet he was on!" He laughed.

"You're a man after my own heart." Gaz told him.

"Just the Michael White lack of heart. Now if only we could prove Zim stinks in a court of law…"

"One day I might HAVE to." Nicholas realized.

Ms. Bitters, wearing a dark purple cloak and flanked by administrative droids was wheeled to the middle of the two, her desk now pimped out with tank treads.

"The candidates will now speak. And then be quiet! And then I go away from you all." She remarked happily.

Zim cleared his throat. "As president, I will ensure that all mankind has its legs sawed off!" he remarked in a chipper fashion.

SFX: Owl hoot

A student looked down at his legs. "Hmmm…I dunno about that."

Zim grinned nervously as he did what came best to him…lie. "Heh… and, um, replaced with legs of pure gold!" He announced. THIS got people to smile. Seeing that they were buying it, Zim began to lie some more. ": Yes! And I will grant you the power to fire lasers from your head! Like SHARKS!"

"YAAAAY!" Everyone cheered.

"I LIKE gold!" The Letter M remarked.

"I like my head!" Morla agreed.

Dib slapped his forehead in frustration, the second time he'd done it today. "NO! Zim's promising them ANYTHING to win!"

"YAAAY!"

"Candidate 2! Be quick! I can only survive so long in the sun." Ms. Bitters remarked, pointing at Willy before she withdrew her hissing ,smoking hand.

Willy groaned a few times before he squished his head between his arms. "I hope you like this!" He announced, promptly making armpit fart noises.

SFX: Eagle cry

"This is just SAD." White remarked.

"Willy's a drooling moron! As sole defender of Earth, I've got to do something!" Dib announced.

"I wish Willy was MY brother." Gaz muttered.

"Boo hoo, you hurt my feelings…" Dib snapped.

Zim and Willy were tossed into small rooms. Willy rocked in a chair with a bucket on his head, laughing happily. Dib, meanwhile, had decided to take matters into his own hands and had gone in through the vent shaft. He peeked out a grating in the ceiling and pressed his face against it to look closer…thus breaking the grating off and crashing into Willy.

BANG!

Dib groaned and rubbed his head, looking up at Willy. "Pardon me, but if you don't tackle the real issues…" He took a deep breath, then flailed his arms wildly. "Zim is going to win the election and eradicate all human life!" He shouted.

Willy tossed Dib and the grate away, screaming. "How did you get here!?! You a leprechaun!?!" He asked, flailing HIS arms around.

Dib stepped back and placed his fist on his chest, smiling benignly. "I, Dibbun P Membrane, offer my services as campaign manager. We'll be a team! Me as the incredible brains, and you as…"

SFX: Foghorn blast as a close-up of Willy's nasal hair is shown

"…Willy."

"Yer after me gold! Err…" Willy scratched his head.

"Is…that a yes?"

Willy grunted, nodding.

"Good!" Dib said, clapping his hands together. "Let's talk about your new platform!" He said, handing some note cards to Willy one by one. "First, promise to promote alien awareness." Dib remarked, looking down at the cards. He looked back up. "Second-um…Willy?"

Willy had stuck the note cards to his head and was grunting happily. Dib slapped his forehead again. "We gotta lotta work to do."

THE NEXT DAY…

The whole student body had gathered in the auditorium. Everyone in the crowd wore very odd devices on their heads and Zim and Willy had walked up to podiums on the stage. Ms. Bitters stood behind an impressive-looking booth which resembled the electro-shock booth from the infamous "Milligram experiment". She pressed a button on the booth and strange, sparkling devices lowered themselves onto Zim and Willy's heads.

"The candidate's popularity will be measured by audience brain scan." She announced. "A drop in popularity will result in a horrible electric shock!" She smirked. "MY contribution to the political discourse of this place."

An administrative droid popped in between the two candidates. "Debate now, or SUFFER!" It yelled.

Zim immediately stood up on the podium and pointed upward. "CITIZENS! You are all familiar with me and what I stand for. But only now can I reveal that if elected…" He grinned. "I will ensure that every student is given a zombie wiener dog to do their bidding. Can my opponent say that?" He inquired, pointing at Willy, who had been poking the device on his head and shocking himself as he laughed. Naturally his popularity level LOWERED and he was shocked once more.

The administrative droid flew over to Willy, who didn't respond. "Time's up…NOW!" It announced, as Willy was shocked again, and the droid flew away.

"Now comes the awkward silence portion of the debate." Ms. Bitters announced.

Well, none of them said anything. But Zim smirked and pulled out a "VOTE ZIM" sign, making the crowd cheer. His popularity level soared up and GIR, who was in his doggy suit, passed out signs to people in the crowd, smiling happily.

"THIS isn't goin' well." Dib realized. He had to do something and quick!

"I tell you, the teacher assigned so much homework…it was totally blah. And the weather today was blah too and the food even MORE blah, it's just one hour of blah after another. Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah…"

Dib raised an eyebrow as he looked at Jessica. "Okay, NOW I've seen everything." He announced, quickly grabbing her cell phone away from her and hiding at the side of the stage and Jessica went into cell phone withdraw and floundered around like a fish out of water on the auditorium's floor.

Dib removed the popularity-measuring headpiece on his head and smashed the cell phone on the ground. He then grabbed the two pieces of the cell phone and stuck half of it, the listening half, into Willy's ear.

"Willy! Just repeat everything I say!" Dib whispered.

"Dib, what have I told you about jamming things into students' ears?" Ms. Bitters snapped.

Dib quickly scampered off with a yelp and Ms. Bitters turned to Candidate 2, aka Willy-Willy-Willy! "Candidate 2- begin the babbling!"

Willy looked at the note cards. "Duuuh?"

Dib, on the other hand, talked into his half of the cell phone. "If elected, I-"

SCREEEEEEEN! Willy screamed, falling backwards. This got several people to laugh, and Dib nervously blushed, adjusting his volume. "Sorry!" He apologized as Willy got back up, waving his hand.

"The grotesque monster boy avoids the issues." Zim remarked. "Just what does he plan on doing about the size of Dib's giant head?" Zim asked as a hovering monitor screen appeared near to Zim as he jabbed at Dib's head with a pointer stick.

"If I am elected, Dib's head will be removed and filled with salted nuts!" Zim announced cheerfully.

"SALTED NUTS!" GIR sang out as he flew through the air, landed in front of the crowd, then spewed out a mighty stream of salted nuts as the kids caught them eagerly in their mouths, increasing Zim's popularity and making him grin. Dib, meanwhile, ran outside of the auditorium through the side exit to get better clearance…and made his move as Willy began to speak slowly and clearly.

"Your promise is RIDICULOUS!"

SFX: Record scratch

Zim's eyes went wide as his popularity lowered. "What does it have to do with real issues?" Willy asked.

Dib smirked as he kept talking into the cell phone, instructing Willy on what to say. "If elected, I promise to improve the terrible conditions at this skool, serve actual food for lunch! YEAH, FOOD!" He shouted, holding up two peace signs in the air a-la-Richard-Nixon. GIR clapped eagerly at this as the children cheered happily and Zim's hair stood on end, shocks running through his body.

"Also, Dib will finally be appreciated for the genius that he is!" Dib couldn't resist saying.

"Huh?" Zim mumbled.

"Oh THAT'S just stupid." Nicholas groaned, slapping his face.

Poor Willy had hot dogs, soda cups and a cat thrown at him. Then a toilet crashed into his podium, narrowly missing him. He blinked a few times in shock…

But then Dib recovered. "I mean…I will give everyone laser beam eyes and shoes that make them invisible!" He announced.

UP went the popularity meters! Iggins, Morla and Smet flew through the air as Willy, who had gotten the hang of it, took out the cell phone piece from his ear and held his fists up in the air. "Yeah! Willy! You like Willy! Yeeeah! And then we dance all day!" He added, jumping on the podium. "And NO MORE SKOOL! And…and…and…and…STUFF!"

"Ah!" Dib gasped. "Willy, stop!"

"And you all be my friend, and you can go home and not learn no more!" Willy announced.

The crowd was going WILD. Dib blinked, realizing that perhaps Willy had some leadership qualities after all. Zim leapt up in front of Willy. "MADNESS!" He insisted to the crowd. "That's…oh…eh…" He glowered at Willy. "YOU! I…" He turned back and raised his fists up again. "I AM ZIIIIM!"

…child after child made their way towards the cafeteria, talking amongst each other as they headed, one by one, into the voting booth. Zim and Willy were wearing large signs that read "Candidate 1" and "Candidate 2" respectfully as school guards flanked the blue voting booth and Ms. Bitters sat at her desk near the booth. Willy squeaked happily as he waved at the voters and Zim simply gave some friendly advice-

"Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you. Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you."

…never mind.

"Boy I sure wish I could see who I'm punching the ticket for!" DL announced cheerfully from inside the ballot box.

"Ms. Bitters! Zim is threatening the voters! He's disqualified, right?" Dib asked his teacher.

"The child shrieks like a fruit bat!" Ms. Bitters complained, once more not caring.

Well, Dib managed to dodge the droid the first time it came at him, but then it got BEHIND him and put ANOTHER clamp on his mouth.

Gaz, who was the last voter, exited the ballot box and calmly walked to the side, knowing what was about to happen as an Administrative droid announced "Voting complete. CLEAR THE BALLOT BOX!"

FWOOSH! Two large hoses rose up like snakes behind the voting booth and sprayed blasts of water. Dib was lucky enough to duck and Gaz had stood to the side but everyone other vote was knocked clear through the air of the hallway, screaming as Zim snickered and the hoses retracted.

The ballet box began to go through all of the votes, displaying the number of votes on a screen in front of it. "Calculating... The winner is…"

Zim leapt over the ballet box, dumping his sign-headpiece behind and smirking broadly. "ZIM! My empire of doom begins now!" He announced evilly. He could already picture it…a darkened sky, a large throne made from the ruins of the school as tall Irken guards stood watch over the large, massive throngs of beaten and humiliated HUUUUMANS who had to BOW TO ZIM!

"Hail, Zim, Hail, Zim! Hail, Zim! Hail, Zim!" They chanted over and over as Zim threw his head began and laughed and laughed and laughed and-

Then he noticed that he'd accidentally sat on Ms. Bitters lap, who hissed at him angrily and shoved him off.

"The winner is... WILLY!!!" The administrative droid announced, with a ratio of 550-263. "Report to the principal's special chamber immediately!"

Dib's eyes went wide, light flashing in them as he tore the clamp off his face and jumped in the air, punching it. "YES!" He shouted.

Two administrative droids carried Willy by his arms out of the cafeteria as Zim tore at his hair. "No! Treachery! Lies! Ziiim!" He screamed as the school guards assorted Zim and Dib on top of a hover platform as they followed after Willy, with Zim still complaining. "Zim? LOSE? IMPOSSIBLE!" He turned on Dib and snarled. "This is your fault, Dib! And you shall pay!"

"Face it, Zim! I beat you this time! And as Willy's campaign manager, victory will be sweeter than ever!" He added as Willy grunted.

They approached a large door and were all tossed inside. There they saw that…the staff was shadowed…they couldn't see much more than vague shapes…and Prickley was holding onto some kind of rodent and was stroking it Blofeld-style, just as the rodent stroked a small toy it held in it's hands. The staff's eyes glowed as they looked Willy over.

"Candidate 2, you won't disappoint us like your predecessor! You will obey! You won't complain about nasty toilets!" Principal Prickley announced.

"Well, they are kind of nasty..." One teacher spoke up.

"SILENCE." Principal Prickley snapped. "I got the silhouette outfits like "Father" out! We don't get to do that more than once a year so don't RUIN this for me!" He insisted as the rodent dropped it's toy. Prickley turned back to Willy and grinned. "Now, Willy, as student president, fulfill your destiny!"

The rodent' s eyes became watery as it began to cry happily. "Oh, I'm…so moved…"

"Duhhhh... okay!" Willy agreed. Instantly a laser lowered from the ceiling, aiming at Willy's head. "Awhuuuuoooh?"

Dib and Zim looked at each other as the laser began to glow. They then screamed and quickly bolted out of the door, which slammed shut behind them. Light poured out in floodlight-style from the windows of the door and then…

HE came out…glowing brightly and smiling in a chipper fashion as he spoke up in a decidedly BRITISH tone. "Chip, chip! Greetings, fellow students! Isn't skool just smashing? Tally on and chippy ho!" He announced to the kids as the children all cheered.

AND SO…AT THE NEXT PEP RALLY…

Everyone was throwing things like hats, soda cans and Nub Bubbins up into the air as Willy waved his arms at them all from behind his podium. "I say old chaps, our skool is great, and it's that greatness that makes us great! And we've got the finest toilets…or should I say loos…EVER MAAAADE!"

"Yep. They needed a total idiot to be a pawn." Nicholas decided. "…you know I'm getting a little tired of realizing personality traits about other people." He told White.

"Yeah, I think that-"

"Being fully in touch with my intelligence in a hollow victory without my happy good nature to go with it?" Nicholas finished. "I AM thinking quite logically." He sighed. "Alright…I'll need you to get ahold of Nick…"

Dib rubbed the top part of his nose as he squinched his eyes shut and bit the lower part of his lip. "I would KILL myself, but they'd show that picture in the paper!" He thought.

Zim walked up to Dib, arms held behind his back. "Earth-smell, by the look on your face I can see you didn't intend to spare me from this horrible fate! And that makes it funny! So I thank you, human, for helping Zim!" He waved his hand. "Reward the child, GIR!"

GIR popped up, still in his dog suit and he smiled broadly. "Salted nuts!" He yelled, opening up his head as nuts spewed out over Dib, who glared at Zim. "I hate you."

GIR, meanwhile, deposited nuts into Gaz hand and the she began to chew away as Willy raised his hands and made two peace signs in the air, causing the kids to cheer once more.

"Yeah, just keep stuffing him in!"

"He won't go in all the way!"

"Push HARDER, he'll fit inside!"