2000 words of laughter. The longest I have gone. Man, I'm starting to run out of jokes. But who cares.

Chapter 50 – The Turning for the Worse

Stephie: There are too many monsters.

Quistis: Quick, head inside.

Stephie: The door's locked!

Quistis: Not good.

Behemoth: Roar!

Quistis: This is not going to end well.

Over at some random location…

Squall: We're lost.

Irvine: No, we're not lost. I just don't know where we are.

Rinoa: We're in the shopping district. Oh look, it's Cloud.

Cloud: Oh great, its you guys. Listen, buy something, or get out.

Squall: Why do you have a shop here in Esther?

Cloud: Good customers, but now I just sell Weapons and Armor to soldiers. (boom)

Soldier: Gah! It's over…we're doomed!

Cloud: Don't get any blood on my shop or else I'll chop you in half. Then in quarters. Then in sixteenths. Then we'll just bury you since your body is too small to cut.

Squall: Well, could you tell us which way to the Presidential District?

Cloud: Sure, it's that way. (party leaves)

Soldier: Could you use some potions on me please?

Cloud: No free samples! Now go away.

Soldier: (faint)

Cloud: Sigh, not again. Tifa, we have another dead soldier, help me drag in his body!

At the garden…

Zell: I want a cool bike too…

Black-robed Stranger: (deep voice) Zell, I want your soul.

Zell: What will you give me?

Black-robed Stranger: (a happy voice) This shiny nickel!

Zell: Deal!

The black-robed stranger gives Zell the coin, than sucks Zell's soul out of the body and into a bottle.

Zell: Hey, where my nickel go?

Black-robed stranger: I have it. I have your soul, so I get your stuff! Muwhahahaha.

At the palace…

Quistis: Quick, up the stairs!

Behemoth: Roar!

Stephie: The road splits up, which way do we go?

Shoot screen to decide, 20, 19, 18…bang.

Stephie: When in doubt, go left.

At a street…

Squall: We're lost again!

Irvine: Shut up.

Rinoa: I agree with Squall. We're lost.

Irvine: Oh look, footprints!

Rinoa: We'll wait here.

Irvine: Suit yourself. (walks off)

Rinoa: Where does he think he's going?

Squall: We have to figure out a way to get to the city, before… (Irvine comes from behind them)

Irvine: Hey, how you guys get in front of me?

Rinoa: What? We've been standing right here.

Squall: So we walked in circles. Great job Irvine!

Back at the shop…

Cloud: Get your head on a pike here! Only 100 gil each! Fresh heads! Limited time only! Recently killed!

Back to Squall…

Squall: Ok, so we head on this path to get to the presidential palace.

Soldier: Right.

Squall: Ok, thanks.

Soldier: No problem.

Soldier: Hey, they're serving meat loaf at the mess hall today!

Soldiers: Yah! (random battle cries)

Squall: Alright, weird, let's hurry.

At the palace…

Quistis: There's no where else for us to go…

Stephie: We're trapped!

AHHHH! (fade to black)

At the garden…

Black-robed Stranger: I got a soul, oh yes I do, I got a nickel, yes I do, I got a soul and a nickel from a guy named Zell. Do, do, do do do…

God, too many scene switches. At a street…

Squall: Come on, let's hurry, they're waiting for us.

Irvine: But it's like 10 miles away, how will we get there?

Rinoa: Leave it to me.

Squall: Rinoa, you know you can't hotwire.

Rinoa: Oh I wouldn't be so sure about that. (random clicking sounds, car starts)

Squall: Ok, maybe you can. Let's go.

Rinoa: Wait, this car is almost out of gas. Let's steal that airship.

Squall: Fine. It's not a Ragnorak, but its close enough.

Xu: Welcome back sir.

Squall: What? We're stealing our own garden?

Rinoa: It looked different from the outside.

Irvine: Never mind that, off to the presidential palace!

To be continued, after this funny scene.

Xu: Sir, Zell has fainted and appeared to be dead, but not really dead, like he's…missing a soul…

Squall: And I care, why?

We're back.

Xu: Sir, someone wishes to see you. It's a black-robed person. And no, we can't send him off. No more fruit baskets.

Squall: Not good. Just send him in.

Black-robed Stranger: (sinister voice) Hello Squall. I've come to give you a warning. You will have to make a life defying choice, and someone will die somewhere along the next chapters.

Squall: Can it be Zell?

Black-robed Stranger: (less sinister voice) Well you won't see him anymore of this chapter so no.

Rinoa: Wait, why should we trust you?

Black-robed Stranger: You don't have to, but you'll come to your senses soon enough.

Squall: Man, what was with that?

Rinoa: We're here. Let's get off.

Irvine: I'll stay and watch Zell.

Squall: Why? He's a dummy now. Not like he wasn't one before.

Irvine: Well someone has to watch him.

Squall: Alright, let's go then Rinoa. (jumps off)

Rinoa: Right. (jumps off)

Squall: Open the parachutes now! (pulls string, note comes out)

"Dear Squall, remind me to put in parachutes. –Zell"

Rinoa: Great.

Squall: What now?

Rinoa: Float! (boom) Whoops, sorry, I only had one left.

Squall: (muffled) Oh joy.

Rinoa: Cura! Stop slacking off, let's go save the others.

Squall: (muffled) Get me out of this hole than.

Rinoa: Oh right. Ok, let's go. (zoom out)

Vinson: I don't like this part. Fast forward…

Stephanie: What are you doing?

Vinson: I already saw this on the commercial.

Stephanie: Well I want to watch it again! Rewind…

Vinson: No, we're not watching this again. Fast forward…

Stephanie: Rewind!

Vinson: Fast forward!

Stephanie: Rewind!

Vinson: Fast forward!

Clash of static between eyes.

Kira: I'm back.

Vinson: Pause! Where you been? You missed a lot! Like how we made it so it is computer controlled and we can rewind, pause, play, and fast forward.

Kira: I had some business to do. But look, I got a nickel!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC!)

Vinson: Yea, yea, sit down, turn off your MP3 player, and I'll hit the play button. (click, click, click) Damn, this thing is broken or something.

Stephanie: No, wait, it's out of batteries you numbskull! Here, I'll put it in.

Vinson: Fine. I never wanted to put in batteries…

Stephanie: PLAY!

Squall: You ready?

Rinoa: Let's do this. (kicks door open)

Squall: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is in the house! Ready Buffy?

Buffy: Ready anytime Squall.

Squall: Let's go.

A swarm of bite bugs swarm the party.

Buffy: Squall, what are you crazy? I hunt vampires, not bugs! I'm out of here.

Squall: Too, (slash) many of them. (slash)

Rinoa: Yea, we can't hold them off.

Squall: Quick, into that room.

Rinoa: Ah!

Squall: Rinoa!

Rinoa: Squall, help, I'm oddly being carried off by a swarm of bite bugs!

Squall: I'm coming!

Rinoa: Save me! (disappears into black darkness)

Squall: Man, why are all the girls kidnapped? Now I won't have a date to go to the prom. Ah, time for me to rush into the abyss. (walks in) Ok, where am I?

Laguna: Hey.

Squall: Oh god! You scared me.

Laguna: Yeah, I do that sometimes.

Squall: Where are the others?

Laguna: They're in the room over there. There's a save point we can use.

Squall: Great! (…) Hey, I'm out of slots in my memory card.

Laguna: Overwrite something.

Squall: Let's see…porn…porn…porn…nope, they're all too valuable.

Laguna: Wow, nice. Let's just go in there and kick some ass.

Squall: Right.

Laguna: Lock and load.

Squall: Rah!

Laguna: Yah!

Squall: Rah!

Laguna: Yah!

Both: Yahhhhhh! (bonk)

Laguna: Here, let me open the door for you.

Squall: Thanks. Rah!

Voice: Who dares enter my lair?

Squall: Squall "Coolio" Leonhart!

Laguna: I'm with stupid.

Voice: Well than, I must congratulate you for getting this far. But this is where your efforts go in vain.

Squall: Shut up and show yourself.

Voice: Fine. I am… (lights flicker on)

Squall: Gasp!

Laguna: Oh my god!

Voice: Damn it, this light switch won't work correctly. (flicks switch on and off)

Squall: Gasp!

Laguna: Oh my god it's still dark!

Voice: Could someone get the lights? (doink) Thank you!

Squall: Oh, it's just you. Vincent Valentine…

Vincent: Yes, that's right. I wanted to get revenge for what he (points at Laguna) did to Cait Sith!

Laguna: What did I do?

Squall: You cut off his hand.

Laguna: Really? (checks pocket and finds white hand) Oh. Well that's a keeper. (stashes it back in pocket)

Vincent: Now, it's time to die! (bat swarms engulf the party)

Some time later…

Squall: Uh, what? Where am I and why are my hands tied up.

Irvine: You're in heaven.

Squall: Than why is everything dank and dark?

Irvine: Oh, I mean, welcome to hell. And I'll be your guide through the fiery pits and caverns.

Squall: Is Rinoa here?

Irvine: No. She went to heaven.

Squall: Noooooooooooooo!

Quistis: Stop torturing him.

Rinoa: Relax, you're not in hell. You're just tied up like the rest of us.

Zell: (…)

Squall: Why is he here?

Stephie: I don't know…

Vincent: Enough!

Squall: Why Vincent, why?

Vincent: I want revenge, don't you remember?

Squall: No, I mean why did you bring Zell along?

Vincent: (pokes Zell's body several times) Hmm, I don't know. (poke, poke, poke)

Rinoa: Let us go, we have nothing to do for your revenge!

Vincent: True, but than I'll be bored. And you won't like what happens when I'm bored.

Stephie: Why not destroy your world?

Vincent: Well… Sephiroth did that already and pretty well might I add and I somehow got knocked into your world. Now, enough questions! Let us begin the ceremonies!

Squall: Laguna!

Laguna: Sorry. I must say, this is actually more comfortable than it looks.

Vincent: Firaga!

Laguna: OHMYGOSHI'MONFIRE! I mean, something…not…stolen…again…

Vincent: Everything is going according to plan. (something runs behind him) What was that? (turns around)

Squall: (whisper) Thanks Kiros.

Kiros: No problem. Now get in there and kick his ass. Several soldiers will help you out. I'll stay in the shadows and watch you guys die. I mean fight.

Squall: Let's go!

Vincent: What? Capture them!

Laguna: Ok sure, leave me up here on fire. I don't care.

(zoom out)

Vinson: Damn, that's one good battle fight.

Stephanie: Needs more blood.

Kira: Man, where's the action? Where's the gun shooting, back-stabbing and throat-slitting action?

Vinson: That's Metal Gear Solid. This is Final Fantasy.

Kira: Same thing.

Stephanie: Wait, something's happening…

(zoom in)

Squall: Cloud?

Cloud: Vincent! Stop this madness! Come back to Esther and we'll fight monsters and stuff, like the good old days! We even got pistols, extra shiny.

Vincent: Not until this guy is dead!

Laguna: Still burning. Oh god the horror.

Vincent: We should demand retribution for what they did to Cait Sith!

Reeve: I'm fine.

Vincent: You're not Cait Sith!

Cloud: No, he is, now come down here and we'll talk things out.

Vincent: Fine.

At that moment, all the bats (what, you expected zombies to be Vincent's minions?) withdrew and disappeared above Vincent.

Cloud: (begins walking out with arm over Vincent's shoulder) You want a head on a pike?

Vincent: Hmm, nah…

Squall: Well now that's taken care of.

Kiros: Yeah, and the monsters are still roaming the city.

Rinoa: Well we better go and clean things up.

Irvine: Yeah, and we'll have to figure out what happened to Zell.

Squall: We'll do that last. Now let's go hunt some Behemoths!

Everyone: Yeah!

To, be, freaking, continued!

Laguna: GOD, I'M STILL UP HERE ON FIRE! GET ME DOWN! OH MAN, WHEN I GET DOWN, I'LL PUMP YOUR HEAD FULL OF LEAD! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!